Mika's Path Forward

Once the dust had settled, and Mika was set to advance her career, we eventually had a chance to meet. She chose the large park where we had dated before. Mika never stopped loving parks. Despite her anxious personality, she always found calm in the outdoors and the beauty of nature. We never had the opportunity to meet in broad daylight, but in the end there is a first time for everything.

“Surprise!” Mika tried to startle me by popping out from behind the bench I was sitting on.

“Hello, Mika.” I tried to smile, but the edges of my lips were far too heavy for me to move them.

“It’s crazy, don’t you think?” Mika sat down confidently close to me. “I never thought I’d be internet famous!” I still struggled to smile, despite her radiant, beautiful face that was full of happiness.

“I don’t think it’s crazy, Mika,” I said. “To me you were always a star. Now others have found you as well.” Words were easy to say, but I struggled to summon the warmth she deserved.

“No no,” said Mika as she laughed awkwardly. “A star is a bit too much, don’t you think?”

“No,” I answered with certainty. But my tone of voice was not adequate for the situation. I wanted to encourage her, yet all I could feel was pain. The more excited she was about it, the more she looked forward to it, the more dread I would feel about Mika’s future. I thought meeting her would help, but it only made it worse.

“Apparently my music is going to be everywhere and many people are going to listen to it, and we’re going to make music videos too! Isn’t that crazy?”

“That’s amazing, Mika.” Once again, my voice came out flat. She sounded just like...

“We found all these sponsors too, and they want me to advertise all sorts of products, and I’m going to be in ads all over the place. It's going to be so awkward hearing myself in random places!”

“It sounds like… you’re going to be busy,” I said, somewhat disappointed.

“Don’t worry! I’ll make time,” she said with a smile. She thought that was my only concern, but it wasn’t. It felt like torture hearing Mika going on and on, excited about her future. I tried to summon words of encouragement and positivity, but my attempts felt empty and useless.

“I’m glad Mr. Hiroaki found some success with us too. He’s spent so much time and energy on us, I’m extremely grateful." Mika seemed to respect Hiroaki a lot. It’s true that I was happy for him as well. He worked hard, and definitely cares about them, especially Summer. “I’m just glad we could repay his efforts.” Mika sounded relieved and excited.

She kept talking about her future, and everything she had to do. They were considering helping her move nearby, so she could have her own studio of sorts, for an easier schedule and commute as well. All standard practice, which was all the more terrifying to me.

At some point Mika stood up, and offered me her hand to help me up. I took it loosely, and we slowly walked around the park while holding hands. It was clear that even if she was on the path to a new life, she still wanted me to be in it. The problem was, I didn’t know if I would be able to.

“I’ll never forget when you got me that giant crepe here, Aoi.” She stopped and laughed for a bit. Her cuteness was still incredibly powerful, no matter what I was feeling.

“Was it that memorable?” I realized how stupid my question was after I asked it, but by then I was already losing control of my emotions.

“Yeah, but, more importantly-” Mika stopped and then held both of my hands and looked directly at me. “I don’t think I could’ve done any of this without you.” She looked straight through my eyes and into my soul. “This was all possible because you believed in me.”

“No, this is the result of your hard work.” I tried to avoid her closeness.

“It’s not,” she said, somewhat frustrated. “I wish it was just me, but it wasn’t. So let me thank you, at least.” Mika retained her cuteness throughout, which somehow felt like torture.

“I didn’t play your guitar, or write your songs, or sing for you, or say any of those things that made you popular.” I tried to dismiss her affection. That day, in that circumstance, I just couldn’t take it.

“I know that,” she said, slightly annoyed. “But, I couldn’t have done all of that alone. In fact I was just about to give up when we met.” There was a slight hint of nostalgia in her voice. I felt some myself, but it wasn’t enough to stop my negative thoughts.

“Like I said, I didn’t do any-” Mika interrupted me by pulling herself to my chest. She then hugged me closely but gently, resting her head on my shoulder.

“Just, don’t talk,” she said softly. “I wish you didn’t have to be like this sometimes.” She seemed somewhat disappointed that I didn’t accept her gratitude. However, I truly believed I had nothing to do with her success and happiness. “If someone is thanking you, you should just accept that,” she scolded me. I could feel her body’s warmth on mine. Mika then slowly moved her head upwards, closer to mine, until her lips very gently touched mine.

I froze for a little bit, but then I fully embraced the situation. For a while, I lost track of everything: where we were, what we had done, and what would come next. It all disappeared for me, and I hugged Mika as we kissed. I had wanted this moment for a long time, and yet…

I couldn’t do this. Not in this way, not until she knew everything. Slowly the memories of my past flooded inside my head, and paralyzed me in fear, including my lips. Mika, sensing my stillness, slowly returned to normal. She looked at me, with my eyes as dead as my feelings, and was somewhat saddened and hurt by my reaction.

“Is this not… something you want?” Her sadness was unbearable. I could tell the moment Mika’s heart broke.

“I’m not sure.” 

“But… Why?” she asked, disappointed.

“There’s just too much I haven’t told you.”

“Then tell me!” Mika raised her voice. “We’ve known each other for so long. I’ve shared so much, and you’ve shared too. You’ve had the chance to tell me anything and yet…”

“I’m sorry, Mika.”

That was all I could say. Mika stayed there, saddened, for a few seconds, before slowly starting to burst into tears. The process unfolded in slow motion in front of me, yet there was nothing I could do. I couldn’t encourage her into a path that I was sure would bring her pain. Every bit of excitement that she had about the future filled me with dread and negativity. Was I supposed to kill all her excitement and tell her that? With that kind of behavior, I didn’t deserve a kiss or her love, so why would I be a part of it?

Mika kept crying, and there was nothing I could do but watch. Seeing her clearly standing there under the sunlight, slowly falling apart, only made the scene more cruel. She cried for a few minutes, then gradually turned away from me.

“Well, if you want to talk. I’ll always be ready.” Her tears took over and she was no longer able to talk. She didn’t want me to see her, and I didn’t stop her. She slowly started walking away, and eventually she started running. At some point she was out of sight, and I couldn’t see her anymore.