At the Promenade, June 16th

May 31st, 2017

I met with Kenzie a few more times over the next month. I lent her my favorite books, and she read them. She ate my brownies, and I ate her brownies. Also, she’d usually ask for a hug whenever a hangout ended. One night, we were discussing an AskReddit thread about compliments.

[Kenzie]: Did you see the thread?

I think a recurring thing was girls got more compliments on looks but not as much for personality, and vice versa for guys
What's your experience with that?

[Kenzie]: It would be nice if they'd also appreciate the effort I put into the way I present myself but I care more about personality compliments
[Kenzie]: I'd say the most recent experience that I remember is when someone wrote in my memory book that I'm the nicest person she's met and that she actually means it
[Kenzie]: I was caught off guard because I never really considered myself to be the nicest person around

I'm not surprised
You're good at being genuine

[Kenzie]: Aw thanks
[Kenzie]: What about you?

I don't think I'm the best looking person around and I don't really mind though compliments on looks still feel nice
But people benefit more from me being a good human being rather than being a good looking human being

[Kenzie]: I honestly do think you're cute though HAHAHA
[Kenzie]: It’s a bit weird to say but yeah

Aw thanks

[Kenzie]: But it's definitely your personality that's the most attractive

...I, an intellectual, decided to reply to that with -

And your sister is cute
Joking

Because obviously the best way to indirectly compliment a girl is to call her sisters cute –

Didn’t she just compliment my personality?

June 1st, 2017

The next day, we hung out again, despite my potty mouth.

Kenzie decided to continue the conversation we'd had. “What's the favorite compliment you've received?"

After thinking for a while, I answered. “Well I felt really good when Sachi called me sweet on Valentine's after I gave her the roses. And Ray said I was a 'good bro' out of the blue when we went to the beach last year.”

"Cute."

"And a certain blue rabbit that I found in my bag certainly felt like a huge compliment. Even though I felt like I hadn't done anything in particular to earn it."

“It’s the little things,” Kenzie exclaimed smugly. The little things in life. Then, as if she remembered something, she suddenly went on. “Speaking of the little things I have a good example! When we were leaving for the trains after visiting the promenade, you thought I'd feel presumptuous about asking for a hug, so you initiated, right?”

“Oh.” Did that really stick with her? “I didn't think you'd think about that so much.”

“People notice more than you think.”

She certainly didn’t let me feel underappreciated.

“So the little things count. Except for you.” I pat her head again.

“Shuddup. I'm not little.” She swatted at my hand again.

“Remember the paper rabbit? You couldn’t even count how many years younger than you I am!”

“Ugh. Respect your elders.”

The little things count, so we should count the little things. One day we may look back and think they were the big things.

And that’s going to help you appreciate your life going forward, I suppose.

Anyway, that night, I didn’t sleep too well because of the little thing that was on my mind. Rather than focusing on sleeping, my mind was focusing on when’s the next time I can see Kenzie again?

Before I knew it, I started counting the days before the next time I could see her. Those days did not feel like little things. I started waiting for her messages to magically appear on my phone screen at night, then texting her myself if I didn’t feel like waiting.

I think that’s where “bordering” becomes “not bordering”.

June 13th, 2017

A few days later, I was staying back at school after class while parent-teacher conferences were underway. I texted Ray about random things throughout the day.

[Ray]: I was walking from physics today with Yunyun and he randomly said "I wanna smack Rob"

???

[Ray]: He said sth along the lines of ‘he stole Kenzie’ when I asked why

But i can't steal something that isn't his

[Ray]: idk it was legit just out of the blue

[Ray]: Maybe it’s one of those built up anger thingys

I bumped into Ray's mom in the cafeteria, so I sat down with her. We talked about how Ray was doing in school, so I updated her about what we'd been doing in class. Then I texted Ray to tell him I was with his mom.

Yo
I'm gonna tell your mom that you're straight

[Ray]: Oi
[Ray]: Wait I am straight what do you mean

I'm with your mom

[Ray]: My father will hear about this

Cafeteria

Ray later showed up at the cafeteria, noticed me sitting across his mom, and sat next me. I asked Ray if there was anything out of the ordinary about Yunyun.

Ray said, “Yunyun recently asked me to hug him because I’m Kenzie’s height, but other than that and wanting to end you, I dunno.”

Yunyun wanted to feel the little things in his life too, I suppose.

While Ray's mom told Ray what I'd been telling her, Sachi's mom walked in.

"Rob!!" She touched my shoulder dotingly. "So strong now. And so tall!"

My friends’ moms are almost legally obligated to say I’ve gotten taller when they see me. I guess it’s because 1. they’re the ones who actually notice when teens physically grow, unlike peers who see us regularly, 2. they feel like doting on me because their kids are my age, and 3. it’s hard for them to notice when their own kids grow.

I talked with Sachi's mom for a few minutes. I don’t remember what exactly we talked about, but it was probably the normal stuff I’d talk about with a friend’s mom: how I’m doing, subjects I’m studying, et cetera. Her mom was as sweet to me as she always was, and I didn’t see her mom that often, so it felt like I was back in 2014 again.

Sachi joined us, too. We exchanged greetings and made small talk. Ray and Sachi didn’t talk much and weren’t as close as they were before, unlike their moms. Time passes differently for teen and adult relationships. That’s the theory of relativity for you.

Sachi's mom pat my face before saying goodbye and leaving. The mother of my first crush was truly a force of nature.

June 14th, 2017

Wanna hang out again on June 16th?

[Kenzie]: Sure

Kenzie and I had arranged to meet again on June 16th. A few days before that, I asked Ray what he was thinking just before he asked out his girlfriend.

Just curious
What was your thought process before asking out your girlfriend

[Ray]: “I like her. Kinda confident she likes me back based on how we interact. This is worth the risk of rejection. Girls teased her when im around. Probably should ask her out.”
[Ray]: “Just curious”? I don’t buy it

Yeah I was just curious

[Ray]: Ok I buy it

I might ask Kenzie out on June 16th

[Ray]: Ok I don't buy it
[Ray]: Nee naa "Just curious" what a liar dog

Since the day her exams ended
I’ve gone out with her 3 times if you don’t count the times at school

[Ray]: What when?

[Ray]: Oi u sly sinister snake
[Ray]: why are u only saying this now

I updated Ray about every place and time I’d met up with Kenzie outside school. Afterwards, I also asked Ray to help me confirm whether Yunyun still liked Kenzie or not.

[Ray]: I'll ask him for you later on then

Thanks

[Ray]: Damn right thanks

June 15th, 2017

On Thursday night, before I’d see Kenzie on June 16th, I was considering what to wear the next day, so I sent Ray pictures of my available shirts.

Which one to wear tomorrow

[Ray]: I like the dark red shirt

You red my mind

[Ray]: Also I after physics I asked him u don’t even like her anymore right? And he was like na
So he doesn’t like her anymore I guess

I took that with a grain of salt, but it was good to hear. Even if he told me otherwise, it probably wouldn't have changed anything, though.

Mmkay

[Ray]: Good luck tomorrow you twat

Yessir

June 16th, 2017

During the afternoon of June 16th, Kenzie and I went ice skating. Although it was my idea to meet up, the skating part was her idea. Thus, I ended up ice skating for the first time since January 2012, when I almost sprained my wrist in an ice rink.

“Do we just pay to go in and is it for a set amount of time?”

“Yeah, you just pay and go in.”

“And is it okay that I’m not wearing long pants?”

“Well, I’m wearing long pants. You sound like you haven’t skated for ages. Did you bring gloves?”

“Yeah.”

“You’re gonna need them since I’m gonna trip you!” She teased.

“I’m just building up the impression that I haven’t skated for ages so that when I’m the one who trips you, you’ll feel worse.”

“You have a natural advantage over me.” She said, gesturing to my longer legs.

“And you’ll fall short of my expectations!”

“Ugh.”

“dOUbLe pUnNNnN!”

Despite all that talk, I actually wasn’t so great. And Kenzie actually didn’t try to trip me. In fact, while I stumbled around, she offered to let me hold her hand so I could stabilize myself –

“Do you need my hand?”

And I liked her, but –

“I’m fine.”

I wanted to be able to support myself before taking anyone’s hand.

Fortunately, I gradually re-familiarized myself with the ice. But not well enough for a nearby kid to ignore me.

“Why is that guy so slow?”

I received a grim reminder that kids are blunt as heck.

A man next to the kid, who may have been his dad or coach, said, “He’s not very experienced.”

Kenzie and I interacted with the kid for a while. The kid, being a kid, showed off a bit but did try to help me a little.

At some point, Kenzie asked the kid: “How old do you think he is?”

Her big-sis side was showing again.

“Uhh…”

I, the then-16-year-old narrator, gave the kid a suggestion. “40!”

The kid stared at me, deep in thought.

Kenzie asked, “Do you believe him?”

“No!”

“How old do you think he is, then?”

“…30!”

Kenzie looked at me like she’d heard the funniest joke on Earth. I looked at Kenzie like I was the butt of the funniest joke on Earth but still considered it the funniest joke on Earth.

After skating, we decided on where to eat:

“What do you want for dinner?”

“IKEA?”

“Are you trolling me or do you eat furniture?

“Have you never had IKEA food before??”

The two of us did go to IKEA, but only to lounge on couches after having dinner elsewhere. Afterwards, we each bought a bottle of cold apple cider and walked to the promenade.

We arrived at the promenade and hung around for some time, Kenzie reminded me of an AskReddit thread she’d come across that had lots of interesting questions for two people to get to know each other better. She’d noted them down on my phone, so we sat down on a bench under a few trees and went through them.

The whole time, I felt the pressure of having to follow up on what I’d told Ray.

Tell her, tell her.

I read the first one. “1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, who would you want as a dinner guest?”

“My first thought was Hugh Jackman.” Kenzie was a huge fan of the movie Logan. She’d made full use of her recent 18th birthday to watch that R-rated movie twice.

I took a sip of apple cider and answered the question for myself. “I’d probably pick genius who died tragically early. Or Leonardo da Vinci. We could learn some things that history and fate failed to pass to our generation.”

Tell her!

We continued. She picked another one. “Let’s try this one: 22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner.”

Maybe after this question.

“Fishing for compliments?” I paused to think of something I hadn’t already told her. “You’re supportive. And you were nice enough to offer your hand during ice skating.”

She considered the question for a moment. “Your sense of humor, even though it’s really dry.”

“Dry?” I collected the remaining condensation on my bottle of apple cider and flicked the water at her. “What do you mean, dry?”

“Exactly.”

She made a slightly amused variation of her “Ugh” face. I didn’t know that was possible.

Wait, do you really like her? Or is it just infatuation?

The last time I’d felt such heavy thumping in my chest was when I’d finished the charity run on March 19th.

Are you sure you want to say it?

We eyed the last question: 36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it.

Both of us went silent for a while.

She started. “I never told you about my dad.”

Indeed. She’d always talked about her mother and sisters without bringing up her dad.

She didn’t say anything for another while. It felt like something was at the tip of her tongue.

I wanted to let her go about it at her own pace without interrupting her, so I looked at her gently and waited. She wasn’t drunk, unless it was possible to get drunk off half a bottle of 4.5% alcohol apple cider. However, she was slightly red.

She finally continued.

“What would you do if you knew your dad cheated on your mom?”

I was always grateful for my completely normal family. I couldn’t imagine that happening at all. I never had to.

So she had to go through something unimaginable.

Even if it were my turn to speak, I wouldn’t have said anything at that moment.

“Would you forgive him?”

Almost like she was asking me what to do.

I looked at her. A tear rolled out of her left eye and onto her warm cheek.

My mind spoke first.

…I don’t know.

Other people have opened up to me about their problems before, albeit usually not about issues as heavy as this one. No matter what I say, it’s not like I’ve experienced that or anything close to it.

It’s almost like at the back of my mind, there’s a mini-me telling me: You'll say the right thing, right? You've done this before, and since it's you, you can do it. Right?

When I'm watching anime and one character is discussing a personal problem with another, sometimes I think I wouldn't know what to say if I was in the comforting person's shoes, but think (or at least hope) that that person will manage to say the right thing.

Of course I'm honored to be the one to listen. I do want to help, and fulfill my self-imposed responsibility for my friend's mental health. But, well, when someone lets it all out in front of me, sometimes I'm honestly at more of a loss of words than I’d hope.

"It'll be okay!”

What if it realistically won't be? Would that sound hollow?

"Don't give up on it!"

But sometimes it's better to give up.

I finally let my mouth speak.

“…I don’t know.”

I thought hard about it.

I continued –

“I’m not sure what I would do.”

We sat still for a few breaths.

…Then Kenzie stood up.

She declared, “Let’s walk around a bit more.”

I stood up and followed her as we started walking around together one more time.

I wanted to act at least a little confident in myself, because she’d trusted me, but not presumptuous, because I didn’t necessarily know exactly what she needed.

That’s how I ended up asking her, “Do you want a hug?”

We stopped. It was late at night, but where we stood, there were warm lights around us that made it feel clearer than day.

“…Sure.”

I gave her a hug, while she gave me a hug.

We held on to each other for a few seconds.

At the end of the day, it's not only results that matter when it comes to personal relationships. In those situations, even if there's no advice for me to give, I hope to say or do enough to convey that I'm listening, I'm there, and that I care.

That’s worked well enough for some people to say I'm a good listener, I guess.

After a few seconds passed, it felt like she’d had some weight lifted off her shoulders. In its place was the weight of my arms.

Kenzie and I strolled around for another dozen or so minutes before coming to a stop under another bench under the shade.

She said, “You know, back then,” – like she was confessing something she’d been ready to say for a long time – “even since March, I always thought that I would get to know you. And here we are.”

“Mmhmm.” It was a nice thing to hear, but I was disappointed because I involuntarily compared it to what I had to confess.

Oh, speaking of. That was still plaguing my mind.

…Would now be a good moment?

I added, “Well, you made that happen to a large extent.”

Ah. It feels like a marathon again.

She replied, “Yeah, but I liked listening to you. And I’ve also told you things that I don’t normally open up to people about.”

I folded up my legs, putting my knees up to my chest.

Every damn time I tried to download my thoughts from my head to my mouth, I had second thoughts.

You’ll have to take responsibility if this feeling is short-lived. Is it right for you to say what you want to say? Are you sure you like her? 

But whenever these thoughts piled in, I felt my heartbeat intensify as if it was telling me –

What do you think, stupid?

…

Fine.

I replied. “I guess I always wanted to get to know you as a friend.” Keep going, keep going – “And now I guess I also think of you as more than a friend now.”

There. Done.

A few seconds passed. It was dark, and it was quiet. I had my arms around my legs.

“…Do you get what I’m saying?”

“…Yeah.”

Another few seconds.

She asked, “Are you okay?”

“Yeah.”

…And another few seconds.

Then she replied.

“In a way, same.”

Those were words I wasn’t sure if I understood, but certainly words that I’d remember.

“I’m glad you decided to tell me here, rather than on text.”

“Well, I do know better than to do that.”

In the time my heart had spent battling my head, it had gotten really late. My mom called asking where I was.

The two of us walked back to the station. Just before I got on my train, Kenzie gave me a close hug, like she was feeling satisfied about something, and we parted on that ambiguous note.