Brothers

A month had passed since Eiko’s visit, and my brother had finally decided to come hang out with me, too.

“This place is looking better,” he said as he looked around.

“I know you sent her here.” I shook my head.

“I… I mean we both thought you could use some company.” My brother smiled at me smugly. “Looks like we were right.” I refused to give my brother the satisfaction of being right, so I changed the topic instead.

“She made me explain everything to her, you know,” I said.

“Everything?” asked my brother, curious.

“About what happened with Mika. And about what happened… to her.”

“So it was her memories that caused this in the end.” My brother's usual cheerfulness quickly disappeared. “If Hikari-” My brother stopped short as soon as he mentioned her name. “If her memories were going to make it impossible for you to be with Mika, why did you let it go on for so long?” My brother made a good point.

“I’m not sure.” I recalled my memories with Mika, from the bizarre encounter in that small park, to the heartbreaking scene of her running away crying. “At first, I didn’t even remember the past. Almost like my memory was completely blurred.” I stopped for a few moments as I remembered the first few times we met, and I still hadn’t associated the both of them together. “I think enough time had passed that her story was just buried underneath it all. But as Mika went down that same path, and shone brighter and brighter, I couldn’t help but compare, and my memories slowly regained focus.” 

I felt a mixture of sadness and anger, reliving the last experience with Mika. Our sad separation was due entirely to my inability to deal with my past, and my lack of communication with Mika. “At some point, it was just impossible to unsee the parallels. I didn't even realize it until it was too late. I only made sense of it after it was over.” I couldn't hide how disappointed I was by my actions. "I was so focused on her future, that I neglected dealing with my past."

“So it crept up on you like that, huh.” My brother handed me a beer, and then we both drank in silence for a while.

“Suicide is quite unfair, isn't it?” I eventually broke the silence, with plenty of pain in my voice. I knew my brother also had strong memories of Hikari, maybe even stronger than mine. “It’s the living that get to deal with the aftermath.” I wasn’t sure if I was trying to comfort my brother, or myself.

“It doesn’t matter,” said Hiroaki. “What matters is that we honor her memory. And I don’t think she’d want you to act like you are.” My brother looked at his beer with heavy sadness. We kept talking for a few hours, trying to regain some sense of normalcy, even if her memories never left our minds. We both drank unnecessary amounts, and by morning, my brother had left, while I remained hungover.

After Eiko and my brother’s visits, I tried to have a healthier lifestyle. But the reality of a shut in is not one that is easily solved. Especially for one that can earn just enough to live inside. I took up several hobbies, but nothing really distracted me from reality. I couldn’t escape the cycle of feeling regret for my mistakes in the past, and while Mika was still thriving, our memories together were hard to forget.

I still followed Mika’s career closely, or perhaps I should call her Spring by now, since that’s all the contact I’ve had with her. The months went by and I accumulated music albums and other merchandise. It felt somewhat pointless, since all the money was going back to my family anyway. Still, Mika kept working hard, doing what they required of her, and more.

It was at some point during the winter that I started noticing Mika’s spark slowly extinguish. I had been following her career diligently, waiting to spot any signs of trouble that would put her on the same path as Hikari. While everyone enjoyed seeing her in the spotlight, fulfilling her dreams, I was wishing my fears wouldn’t turn into reality. I diligently studied every expression that I could notice from her face tracking and voice. The moment I spotted something was off, I panicked and told my brother. He told me to calm down, and said he would look into it.

As time went by, things got slowly worse, but Mika’s schedule seemed unchanged. Around the start of the new year, Mika was scheduled to have a concert with Summer. My brother would always come watch their concerts with me at the apartment, and that time he was there, too.

“So, have you found anything out? Is anything off?” I asked my brother anxiously.

“She denies it,” he answered. “And she’s diligent with all the medical things we offer. There’s not much more we can do.”

“Something’s wrong. I’m sure of it,” I insisted. My brother sat there, thinking about what to say.

“Actually,” he said, ”she’s been pushing herself a lot lately.” My brother looked somewhat concerned. “She hasn’t been getting as many viewers, the comments on her newer music are mixed, and there’s a lot of rumors of her going around. About who she is, or if she has a boyfriend. Some even think she’s in a relationship with Summer. I had to stop her from thinking too much about the rumors.” Hiroaki couldn’t hide his disappointment in himself, feeling he was somewhat to blame. “And finally, as you’ve noticed, she’s sometimes just not the same.” I could sense my brother hesitated to tell me everything.

“I knew it, you need to talk to her Hiroaki, seriously.” I was starting to become even more alarmed.

“I’ve tried,” he said. “I can’t force her off, can I? Instead she’s just… overworking herself. It might just be that her time of fame is over, but she’s trying to fight it with all her might.”

“Why didn’t you tell me before?!” I was upset at my brother.

“It’s nothing like before Aoi, just calm down, and enjoy the show.” He pointed at the screen where their concert was starting soon.

We were both watching the show, and they got through the first few songs sounding pretty normal. As usual, I was somewhat happy for Mika, but the fear never left my mind. It was around the fifth song that Spring malfunctioned on our screen, making everyone wonder what happened. The girls cut the stream temporarily, and Summer was the only one left by the time it restarted.

I could feel my heart sink into the depths of despair imagining Mika had come to harm. Hiroaki immediately sprung to action, making calls to figure out what happened. It turned out Mika had fainted during the concert, and she had been taken to a hospital. It took some time to figure out where due to bureaucracy, and every minute felt like an eternity as I tried to rush my way to find her. I simply ran out of the apartment without any sort of preparation, straight into the winter weather. Hiroaki found out where she was, and I headed there as fast as I could.

It’s unfortunate that her now idol lifestyle made it harder for me to find her. I was restricted from entering several parts of the hospital looking for her, and a lot of the staff was quite discreet and private. After some calls from Hiroaki, they eventually let me see her, and I went running to the room where she was supposed to be. But she wasn’t there, and the nurses didn’t know where she was either. I started panicking, but there was no time for nerves.