How to say "I love you"

When Masao woke, the house was oddly quiet. Sitting up slowly, he looked around in a daze. There was an uncomfortable stillness. Rubbing his eyes, he found they were heavier than usual. It was the usual calm evening in his shabby apartment.

"Yoli?" he called for her, but she didn't answer. "Yoli~ Isn't it about time for you to start dinner?" he asked, a bit louder this time. Now he'd identified it. That's what had bothered him when he woke up: the time. Looking at the clock on the wall, it was almost 6 pm. Around that time, is when she usually started cooking dinner for them. He'd wake from his afternoon nap to a tasty home-cooked meal, making the house smell delicious, but now it only smelled like stale smoke.

On top of that, there wasn't a single light on. Yoli would never leave the house completely dark. He looked around the room, his heartbeat pounding in his ears. The curtain over the back sliding door was still open, even though it was dark outside. Masao slowly got up, stumbling slightly from fatigue as he walked towards the bedroom. She wasn't in there either. Next, he checked the bathroom, which was pitch black inside.

"Uh..." he took a deep breath. He tried not to jump to conclusions. Yoli had left him before, and it wasn't by will. There was no sign of a struggle in his apartment, and if she'd been taken by COT, they would have taken him too. He was a heavy sleeper, but not so much that he wouldn't hear her yelling if she was in danger. No, Yoli hadn't been taken. "Where did she go?"

Shopping? Why would she go out by herself? I told her it's dangerous!

He felt like a lost puppy, completely hopeless now that she was gone.

Masao put on a coat and went to look for her. There were no clues as to how long ago she'd left. Was it minutes, hours? The sun was already setting over Central City, a bloody apocalyptic shade of red coloring the sky. "And I was looking forward to her steak..." he cursed. He looked in all the shops on their street, and the specialty stores they visited a bit further from home, but he had no luck.

He looked, but he knew deep inside that he wouldn't find her there. The sky was too polluted to see the stars, but the moon was visible. A full moon was welcomed after the departure of the red sky.

He'd been looking for hours. 9 pm. His entire body was aching, and his heart felt like it was about to give up. His eyes, which could barely keep themselves open, fell closed.

"Heeey gotta smoke on ya?" The rugged voice of a drunkard brought him back. The man sitting nearby looked up at him desperately, his cheeks caved in and his eyes bloodshot. For the first time in his life, he took a cigarette out of his pocket, lit it, and gave it to the man. A spark of generosity had been lit in him.

Under a street lamp, Masao inhaled smoke from a cigarette with a cough. Her face came to mind. An ache panged in his heart, whether from his disability or the fear of losing Yoli, he couldn't tell. "I love you..." he whispered.

It was something he'd wanted to say for a long time. When he first met her, he was overcome with lust. She was his type, after all. The self-control he'd shown was worthy of applause. As a virgin with a severe porn addiction, he had surprised himself with his ability to keep his hands off of her. But it was just because of who she was. Her purity acted as a natural deterrent. He couldn't imagine causing her pain or fear. Just like taking a life, it would be hard to live with himself if he took her purity. Underneath it all, he knew it was because he was in love with her. The merciful girl who took care of him as long as he protected her from the people who wanted to harm her.

If he hurt her, he would be even eviller than Wataru. A monster who took advantage of her trust. How could he say he loved her if he did all that? Even confessing to her- that would be coercion. She didn't understand what a romantic relationship entailed, or at least he assumed she didn't. Telling her how he felt would be manipulative, a tactic to get her to reciprocate his feelings without her fully understanding what it meant. That's why, after all this time, he hadn't said a word.

Not when they met, not in all the time they'd spent together, or the night she'd kissed his neck in the dark...not when they were reunited, and she fell asleep in his arms, or a day earlier when they stayed in a love hotel together. He had so many chances, and he passed on all of them.

Did he regret not telling her his feelings now that she was gone? Not at all.

A tear spilled from his eye, but he didn't bother to wipe it. He knew that if Yoli were with him, she would've done it for him.

"Mghh, might as well enjoy myself, then."

- - -

Yoli sat down on Kaho's bed. Her hands shook in her lap. Kaho, sitting in a chair across from her, sighed as she took a drink of tea from her cup.

"So why did you make me bring you all the way here? I don't mind giving you advice woman to woman, but what is it that you couldn't talk about in front of Masao?" Kaho's long acrylic nails clicked against her cup. The older woman observed her with a keen eye.

"I...I just noticed it myself. It's hard for me to live with him," she admitted.

"Why?" she asked. The way Yoli spoke, hesitant to give too many details, made it sound like she had experienced something terrible, but Kaho knew it couldn't be. She understood Masao and had spent her formative years with him, so she knew it was safe for Yoli to live with him.

"Yesterday, he took me to a hotel, and we hid there for the night. I was- I just- I noticed he forgot his towel when he was taking a shower, but when I got one for him I saw him and I..."

Kaho smiled, her view of the situation completely shifting. She wasn't scared of him; she was confused. "You saw him naked?"

Yoli blushed, nodding swiftly. "Is that a problem? It was bound to happen eventually since you're living together." Kaho encouraged her to explain how she felt. It was obvious that Yoli wasn't just embarrassed about what had happened.

"I feel sick! I haven't been able to stop thinking about it- about him, and when I do, I feel like I'm going to explode!" Her sudden display of emotion surprised Kaho. Yoli had always been so quiet, almost too mature for how young she was.

"Yoli, do you have a crush on him? It sounds to me like you got turned on, and you didn't know what to do with those emotions, so you ran."

"A crush?"

Kaho didn't have any experience with counseling a younger girl, but she was enjoying every second of it. She saw Yoli as the little sister she never had. "Sure. Masao always watches those old dramas, doesn't he? You know, men and women get married, they fall in love, they kiss, have children, all that stuff. Is that the way you feel about him?"

Yoli's eyes widened. She'd never even considered it. Squeezing her legs together, she clasped her fingers as if to shrink into herself and disappear. He was gentle, and he was kind- weren't those the qualities of love? Kaho has recontextualized her memories of him with just a few words. She yearned for him, longed for his touch and attention. A life without him in it wouldn't be much of a life, she thought. As Kaho had mentioned, Masao's favorite movies started playing in her head.

Sappy love confessions and kisses in the rain. She had watched them all while lying in his lap or resting her head on his shoulder.

You are my other half. You complete me.

Words she thought belonged to others were pulled from her lips. A confession that was buried deep inside her since the day they met.

"I don't have a crush on him," she said, covering her face with her hands as tears dripped onto her pale skin. "I love him."

"...you love him, huh?" Kaho's enthusiasm faded watching her sob. The girl was plagued by a fear of her own emotions, ones she couldn't name. "What are you going to do about it? Do you think he likes you, too?"

Yoli looked aside, her lip quivering. She'd left him sleeping on the couch, but he was sure to have woken up by now. He'd wake to a cold, dark house, and that image coaxed another wave of tears from her eyes.

"Probably not. I'm just a friend to him."

"You seriously think that? I thought he was obsessed with you when he first introduced us! You're exactly his type, you know?" Kaho moved to sit beside her, wrapping her arm around Yoli.

"I am?" she sniffled.

"Yep! For as long as I've known him, he's been into girls like you. Short, dainty girls who're more cute than they are hot. I think most of the things that have happened in his life have felt out of his control, so he wants a relationship where he'd have power over his partner."

"I know...he told me everything," Yoli said.

"Yoli, I admire you a bit." Kaho got up and started looking through her closet. "I would hate to be with a guy like him. Don't get me wrong, he's a great guy. He rescued me when I was living in prostitution, but as a lover...he's got too many problems. You're really brave for asking me for help."

Yoli watched her rummage through her clothes, looking for something particular. "Now, if you want him to fall right into your trap, you've gotta understand his weaknesses~!" she said with enthusiasm. Yoli cocked her head.

Kaho held up a frilly white dress. It was beautiful, decorated with intricate beaded patterns and feathers around the bottom. It was short, so short that you'd end up flashing someone if you didn't constantly pull it down.

"He had me order this from a catalog a few years ago. He was absolutely drooling over the model who wore it, and he hoped he could find a girl to wear it for him. Poor guy never got the chance, but now we're gonna give him a real show!" Kaho grinned. "An angel. An angel in white. A girl so pure she'd be tainted by him, that's what you're going to become."

- - -

Masao let himself into the gang's hideout, his head lying low as he was bombarded by questions.

"It's 12 in the morning, what the hell are you doing here?!" Hideo grumbled. He'd been woken up by Kaho when Masao arrived, and was completely unaware of what had been going on. Masao opened his wallet and stared inside of it, as he could imagine flies buzzing out of it.

"I got upset, so I came here to gamble. Do you have some money I can borrow?" he looked half-dead, with droopy eyes and a head that bobbed when he started to fall asleep.

"No, you can't have our money, shithead! I thought you stopped gambling! Who the hell shows up at an old friend's place to demand money after wasting it all on slots?! Are you out of your mind? Who is it that starved us all and caused us to lose multiple high-profile fights because of his gambling addiction?!?!" Hideo yelled. Masao wasn't awake enough to fully take the criticism thrown at him. Kaho stood behind Hideo, watching them argue.

Masao sulked, throwing his wallet on the ground. "Yoli left! I don't know where she went! I looked for hours, but I couldn't find her! You'd rather have me drown in debt than in the river, wouldn't you?!" he argued.

"Guys, calm down. There's no need to fight," Kaho cut in, stopping Hideo from getting any closer to Masao. "Masao, someone has been waiting to see you."

"Huh?" both men said at the same time. Kaho took him to his old bedroom. The door was shut, but Masao felt a strange aura coming from the room. He placed his hand on the doorknob, swallowing hard. Kaho's expression told him that the person in there was the one he'd been looking for.

He didn't look inside fully before shutting the door behind him, and he was glad he did. This was a sight for his eyes alone. Standing next to the window was Yoli, dressed in a familiar outfit.

"Yoli..."

Her hands wrapped together nervously, her body hot with embarrassment. Her panties were barely visible under the dress, white lingerie that made his eye twitch. She was an angel wrapped in the darkness of his old bedroom. A room that had seen many sleepless nights was now holding her in its walls that felt too close, too personal in the moment.

"I'm sorry for worrying you. I needed to talk to Kaho," she said softly. She approached him, guiding him to the bed, where he sat down on the edge. He couldn't move, nor speak. Looking at her was all he could manage. She was beautiful, but sexy, and he was beginning to sweat.

"Why are you..." he said with a dry throat.

"She helped me understand what I'd been feeling for a long time. The way I feel about you."

His mind was racing. Why was she here? Why was she wearing the outfit he'd bought years ago? Was she coming onto him? Why? Why? Why?

"You shouldn't be wearing that, it gives the wrong idea," he managed to say, forcing himself to look anywhere but at her body. "Kaho put weird ideas into your head?"

"No. They were all my own. Please..." she held his shoulders and pushed him into the bed. His eyes darted around the room, and his cheeks turned red. "I want to be with you forever."

"Y-yeah! We'll go home, and everything will be okay. J-just get off'a me," he chuckled nervously. She placed a hand on his chest, studying his heart, which was beating twice its usual pace.

"I love you."

A tear fell from her eye, rolling across his cheek and onto the bedsheets. Badump. Badump.

"Y-you don't mean that. You can't say that, Yoli. You d-don't know what it means, so you shouldn't..." he said, a bead of sweat dripping down his face.

"I do. I am in love with you. I love you very much, Masao."

She watched him struggle to understand, and she wondered if perhaps he knew even less about love than she did. Had he spent so long hoping someone would want him that he'd given up entirely? She held his face in her hands, watching as shock and confusion twisted in his expression.

"If you don't love me, that's okay, but I can't live without you. I realized that you were always more than a friend to me, and it made it hard to be around you. I want you to love me, too. If I can't have that, then I will go back to Wataru."

Masao's eyes were wide open now. "Are you sure?! I feel the same way about you, but- you can't be with me. I'll only hurt you. You know I'm a bad person! I would just ruin you and make you miserable!"

"When did you start thinking like Wataru? I thought you were going to teach me about the world, not coddle me. I'm an adult! I never wanted you to protect me from this world."

He knew she was right, but he didn't want to admit it. At first, he did want to show her the truth about their world so she could better protect herself. Somewhere along that path, he'd become just like the people he was protecting her from. The ones who wanted to control her, who thought she couldn't do anything on her own. To them, even her own feelings were not hers to feel or understand.

His trembling hand raised to hold her. His body pulsed with desire, and with every passing second, he gradually let go of the restraint he'd placed on himself. His hand trailed down her back, caressing her milky skin sinfully. "I love you too, and I'm sorry for making you feel like I was shielding you from everything," he apologized, his voice shaking as the rest of his body did.

"To be honest, I've wanted to be with you since we met. I wanted you so badly," he admitted. She could hear lust leaking from his tone of voice, almost a whisper as he rested his hand on her butt and squeezed. Their bodies pressed together heatedly. The ache in her heart swelled at his words, finally reaching a bursting point.

"Please kiss me like the movies," she said. That was all he needed to pull her down and press his lips to hers.

Masao had kissed women before. He wasn't the best at making out, but he could do it if he wanted to- and damn, he wanted to.

Their lips pressed together gently, and he smoothly slipped his tongue into her mouth. Yoli wasn't experienced enough to know what to do, but when he took her hand into his larger one, she knew she should trust him to take care of her. They rolled over on the bed, Masao getting on top of her with ease and pinning her beneath him. The short whiskers on his unshaven face scratched her cheeks. She moaned into his mouth involuntarily, burning with embarrassment as she realized what a noise she'd made. It seemed to make him happy, though, as he groaned and brought his knee between her thighs.

The sudden touch there made her squeal fearfully, wrapping her arms around his back to stabilize herself. It was always like that, she thought. When she was scared, she clung to him. Even when she was scared of him, she held on even tighter. She felt herself slipping away as they kissed, her mind completely blank. He tasted like smoke, and she didn't particularly enjoy it, but the fact that it was his mouth against hers made it great.

She was slowly understanding how she was supposed to kiss him, but just as she got comfortable and her head stopped spinning, his hand inched its way towards her breast and gave it a light squeeze. Her eyes shot open, and she pulled away from him. Legs trembling, a heat boiled inside her.

"Sorry," he sighed, hugging her. "We should stop...I don't think I'll be able to control myself."

Yoli nodded, closing her eyes and relishing in the moment. He was heavy on top of her, and so very hot. He was putting on a lot of weight, and it made her happy. He'd looked more like a twig than a fully grown man when they met.

"You're waiting for marriage, aren't you?"

"...yeah," she said. He sounded sad, but she knew he wasn't upset with her choice. He knew she came from traditional values, and she wouldn't be comfortable giving herself to him without being married.

They lay together silently for a long time. Yoli knew he was doubting himself, his ability to please her. She could see it on his face every day- the self-hatred and insecurity. He was far from the popular, handsome gang leader he had been at 19. No woman would even consider him anymore. But she found him irresistible. In every way, she desired him.

She'd spent so long caring for her father and his house that she'd grown a liking for people who needed to be cared for. A man who could do everything himself had no use for her, a woman who could only offer her labor and time. Masao couldn't do anything for himself, and maybe that was why she loved him. She adored how pathetic he was, how useless and disgusting he'd become in his loneliness. She wanted to be used, and to be used and appreciated by a man as useless as him fulfilled her. It was cruel, but equal.

"I love you so much," he whimpered, lifting himself to look in her eyes. Both of them could hardly contain their happiness. "Will you be my girlfriend?"

"Yes, yes," Yoli half moaned, running her fingers through his hair and pecking him on the lips after she'd built her courage.

- - -

Masao woke early in the morning and brewed a cup of coffee. He didn't usually like caffeinated drinks, particularly because of the effects they caused when they wore off, stealing the small amounts of energy he had left. The early bird, Kaho, was already up watching TV. He chose a seat in the living room, a little nervous to see if she would mention what happened the night before.

"It went well, I'm guessing?" she asked.

"Y-yeah. We're together...it's weird to say," he smiled awkwardly. She held a look of yearning and glossy lips that were prepared to kiss someone.

"I wish I was brave enough to do what she did, but I know it wouldn't make a difference. It would never go the way I want it to."

"You still haven't told him?" Masao chuckled, leaning back lazily in his chair. "I can't help you with that. I don't know how he would react either."

She already knew that. Nobody but him could understand what was going on in his mind. He was a beautiful disaster, a hazard to himself, and Kaho had been obsessed with him since their meeting.

That man was hard to understand. Even the man who knew him best, the one who was practically his other half, couldn't guess how he would feel. His whole life had been just that, a battle for others to understand him. Understand why you are alive, understand why you want to die, why you follow a criminal, why you stay when you could leave...

"I want him so badly," she sighed. When she'd given Yoli advice, she'd been jealous deep down. A young girl like her could easily get the man she wanted, but Kaho didn't have the same youthful eyes anymore. That spark had been stolen from her a long time ago. She clung to fashion, friends, and beauty to keep herself happy- but most of all, she clung to him. The person who saved her from hell.

"Why're you still here, loser?" Hideo joked with Masao, leaving his room with an exaggerated yawn.

"Bad time to wake up, my friend."