Your feckin' what, mate?

You could tell I wasn’t in old Blighty anymore, cos by the time me and Court rolled up to the next village, the feckin’ sun was burning a hole in me back. Not a cloud in the sky. Reminded me of when me and the lads went balcony diving in Mallorca. Proper banger of a weekend, that was.

Still, thinking back on the good days wasn’t doing me any bloody good. Had more important shite to worry about. Like the fact that every bloody person in the village was standing around in a circle for god knows what reason. Right round some big clock tower or summat. Surely you can’t all need to know the time that bad?

“Right, what’s all this, then?” I said, crossing me arms as I made me way over. Always wanted an excuse to do that.

“Ah- travellers? I’m afraid to say you’ve come at a bad time.” An old biddy towards the back of the group was the one who answered me. Her clothes were a bit less tattered than everyone else’s. Rich enough to stand out, poor enough to be relatable. Perfect character to introduce a new location. Textbook, that is.

“What… is going on here…” asked Court from next to me. We both looked around at the crowd, and they all seemed to be staring up at the top of the tower. Following their gaze, we saw…

“Bloody hell, is that a little nipper all the way at the top?” I did that thing you do where you put your hands at your eyes like binoculars and it makes stuff look clearer for some reason. No doubt about it, that was a kid up there. How’d the lad even make it up? He was on the outside by the clock hands so it wasn’t like he just walked up the bloody stairs inside.

“That child… he stole a very important magical implement from the lord of this area, and was chased down,” said the old biddy. “He escaped by climbing the tower, but now it seems he can’t get himself down, and nor can anyone else.”

“He climbed that bloody thing? Must have a right proper sturdy step, that lad.” Reminds me of meself before I put on 20 years and 20 kilos. Not a tree in the whole city that I hadn’t climbed up to hide in and chuck oranges at passersby. Good times.

While I was back to reminiscing for the second time this chapter, I heard a stuttery voice that made me ears prick up. Could have sworn I’d heard it before.

“E-everyone… calm down… we’ll sort this out…”

Some lass was talking with all the confidence of an engineering student in a room full of women. Not all that convincing, love. Still, once I got a good look at her face, I realised why I thought I knew her.

“Is that…”

“One of the other lot summoned from Old Blighty? Yeah, that’s her.” Me and Court wandered on over to the lass in the clothes that stood out too much, and the skinny bloke next to her covered in rags. “Oi, lass. What’s you two up to?”

She turned to see me and let out a short sigh of relief. Poor girl looked completely frazzled.

“You were… Arch, right?”

“That’s me, yeah. You pair alright?”

“Um… not really, to be honest…” Yeah, I can see that, love, you’re in a right proper tizzy, I was just being polite. “I told these people I’d help them, but my element is water… there’s not really a lot I can do here…”

“So you’ve dropped yourself up shit creek wi’ no paddle, yeah?”

“Y-yeah… I suppose…”

Poor lass looked proper embarrassed with herself. Least this one didn’t burn down the bloody forest, though.

“Lady Evie, I did warn you not to make promises you can’t keep,” said the scrawny chap next to her. No armband. Good lass.

“I know, Frankie, I just… wanted to help…”

Can’t lie to you, I felt bad for the lass. She got herself stuck in this mess, but it at least seemed like her heart was in the right place. Didn’t seem half as loopy as the last lad, either. Figured it wouldn’t hurt to bail the poor girl out, just this once.

“Court, how high d’you reckon I get wi’ no practice?”

“Getting to the top of the tower would be as easy as walking.”

“Even wi’ you?”

“For a distance that short I doubt I’ll weigh you down too much.”

“Top. Sounds like a plan.”

I wrapped me arm round Court’s side, and she held on tight to me too. I was half a second from lifting on off when the timid lass called out.

“Wait!” she said, gripping me arm. “If you’re going up there to confront him, you have to know what you’re getting into. The thing he’s holding is a magic sceptre, one so powerful it’s used to protect the whole village. Even with your powers, I doubt you’ll be able to fight him if he knows how to use.”

“Good thing I ain’t gonna fight the lad then, innit?” I replied. “Just goin’ up for a nice chat, is all.”

Before the lass or her scrawny mate could say anything else, I pulled out me wand and aimed it at me feet. Almost took me a second to get steadied, but after a wobbly start, I got us moving straight upwards, and before long we was right up next to the lad.

“‘ullo ullo, mate. What’s you doin’ all the way up here?” I asked, gently letting meself and Court down on the ledge that the lad was standing on.

The lad was no older than fourteen or fifteen, and he looked bloody shell shocked. His face was white as a sheet, his arm was clinging proper desperately to the clock hand, and his legs were jittering so much I was surprised the fool hadn’t fallen to his death already.

There was no doubt about it, that was definitely a sceptre in his other hand, but could a little nipper like this really have nicked something like that and climbed up a bloody tower? Was finding it a tad hard to believe, to be frank.

“Who… are you…?” he said, tryna hide how much he was shaking.

“Just a chap passing by. Wanna tell me what’s got you in such a tizzy, mate? You don’t look the stealin’ type.”

“I look innocent?”

“You look like a life of crime would ‘ave ye six feet in the dirt, lad. One little theft and you’re wobblin’ like a bowl o’ jelly? I ain’t buy it. What’s you up here for?”

The lad hesitated for a sec, then let out a mighty big sigh.

“I didn’t want to steal from the count, bu… I didn’t have a choice. He took something I needed, and I thought he might barter for it back…”

“But lemme guess, he instead sic’d his lapdogs on ya ‘til you cornered yourself.”

“Y-yeah…”

Chap looked mighty ashamed of himself. Made sense really, this was a massive-cock up, but it didn’t sound like he was the one in the wrong here. Had to get a little more out of him before I did anything hasty. Slow and steady wins the race, that’s what me old mum always said. ‘Course, she was in a wheelchair, so that was probably cope.

“What’d the rich cunt take from you, lad? Musta been mighty important for you to put yourself through this shite.”

“It’s… my chameleon cloak…”

“Your feckin’ what mate?”

I was expecting the lad to say someone had nicked summat like a crown bloody jewel for all the trouble he’s put himself through. The feck is a chameleon cloak?

“It’s a type of magic implement,” said Court from me other side. “It changes colour based on your surroundings. Not invisibility, per-se, but very effective at staying hidden. They’re very hard to make, and the price tag shows it. Not something I’d expect a scraggly kid like this to have. No offence, kiddo.”

“No, you’re right, normally a poor kid like me would never have one. Before he passed, my old dad was a dungeon scout. He’d go inside while hidden and map places out for other adventurers. But… he came down sick just last month, and passed on a few days later. The cloak was all I had left from him…”

Ah, inheritance tax. Should have expected the government would be vulturing bastards in this world too. But, summat didn’t add up here.

“You said this count bastard nicked it from ye, yeah? Feck does a rich bastard like that need adventuring gear for? Especially enough to rob some little orphaned lad.”

“Our count… he just does what he wants… if he thinks he can make money somehow, he’ll just do it…” the boy muttered. “And no one can do anything about it, because of this…”

He held out the sceptre to me. It was right shiny piece of junk, that’s for sure. Gold coat, big gem at the top, looked like it weighed way too bloody much to hold while climbing a tower. Strong lad, fair play to him.

“So what, bastard just threatens people with his oversized blood stick and everyone bows down?”

“No, it’s not that. It’s what he uses to keep up the monster barrier around the village. Without it out, things like vulfs and gobbos might overrun the place. It was… selfish of me to steal it…”

Lad showed more remorse in that one moment than Onana ever has for what he did to Man United. Little man had a good head on his shoulders, that’s for sure, even if he did something a bit daft.

“Actually, I wouldn’t be so sure…” said Court, looking at the sceptre. “This… is a fake.”