A Tale of the Dumb Leading the Dumb…

The five figures atop the deck stared blankly at each other. As the three short pirates cast each other a glance, the two tall deckhands watched them with quiet anticipation. Beyond the group, bystanders and dockworkers alike went about their business as though nothing was going on. To them, it was simply another day.

“So,” Thadd finally spoke. “Are we—”

“Quiet!” Finley demanded, raising a fist for another strike.

In response, Thadd instinctively grabbed at his groin as he shied away. Vathos, wrapping a protective arm around him, pulled him closer.

“Hey, everyone,” The groundling spoke up. “Shall we—gr-group huddle.”

The three pirates quickly huddled together, bringing their faces down as they began to whisper as though talking to the deck.

“What are we going to do with them?” The groundling asked.

“They’re too tall,” Finley replied quickly. “I sayz we killziz them.”

“Agreed,” Nimble added with a nod. “Finley, you go for the left dick, I’ll—”

“Or! Or…” The groundling quickly cut in. “Just saying. We do need a crew to help out with managing the ship, and they are already familiar with it.”

“Like what? I can manage the arcane engine stuff. What can you two do? Wait. What’s even your name, flame beard?”

The groundling and the felis locked eyes for a moment. The fiery figure looked between his companions, whom he already knew plenty, thanks to their brief, loud-mouthed interactions.

“You can just call me Kiertan.” He answered quickly. “And, well, I’m good with defensive and offensive magics. So I can deal with weaponry. What about you, Finley?”

“What?” The goblin replied, confused as to what was being asked of her.

“What do you mean, what? What are you good at?”

“Stealinziz things, like ships, of course!”

The three gave each other another wave of blank stares as something dawned on all of them. With the limited individual thoughts they had put into their heist, they had never planned for the one crucial step to stealing an airship.

“Do either of you know how to fly a ship?” Nimble finally asked.

“No,” Kiertan replied plainly. “I just assumed it, you know, had crystals that did the thing.”

“Yeah, higher-end ships with psionic crystal implants. Not these smaller vessels.”

“Do you know how to fly a ship?”

“No, I was planning on stealing control once we were already underway. You know, watch and learn sort of thing.”

Kiertan and Nimble stared at each other before shifting their gazes towards Finley. The goblin, who had only been partially listening, was busy picking at something in her ear. They watched as she withdrew the wax, examining it closely for a moment, before shoving the finger into her mouth.

“C-can you fly a ship?” Nimble directed his attention towards her.

“Wha? Whyziz o’course I canz!” She replied proudly, placing her hands on her hips and puffing up her chest. “I can do anythinz!”

The felis and groundling glanced once more at each other before looking back at the goblin suspiciously.

“I…” Kiertan spoke slowly. “I don’t believe you.”

“I-I can fly the ship,” Thadd spoke cautiously from behind the group. "It was one of my jobs."

The three small pirates turned towards the two crewmen who now stood ten feet away. They hadn’t left the discussion and had, in fact, given the group space to talk.

“Heyz!” Finley yelled out. “Were youziz droppin’ eaves?! Do y'all needz a dick punchinz?”

“No!”

“Yeah, honestly, we weren’t trying.” The devilkin added with one hand up and another over his groin. “You three are just terribly loud, you know? But Thadd can fly the ship. And I’m usually up in the crow’s nest, but I can cook and clean too.”

“Y-yeah!” Thadd quickly joined in. “What Vathos said. We’re happy to be your crew or whatever. It’s better than being killed and having our dicks ripped off. But, just to be clear, that last bit is, like, a metaphor, right?”

“No.” The three replied simultaneously,  looking at each other before huddling once more.

“I think we keep them,” Kiertan spoke quietly. “Could be useful.”

“Agreed,” Nimble added. “Good to have servants who can cook and clean for us.”

The pair then turned to Finley, who eyed the two tall crewmen through the gaps in the huddle.

“I don’t knowziz.” She grumbled. “They seemz shifty.”

“They seem shifty?” The groundling remarked. “We’re the ones stealing a ship.”

“Fine, theyziz seem shipty. Happy? But, alright, I’ll go along with it. Though, if theyziz cause problemz, I’m throwinz'em overboard.”

Kiertan, taking note of the consensus, stepped away from the group and pointed towards the two crewmen. Fire burned in his eyes as he moved closer to them and began to bark orders.

“Very well, crew. Prepare the ship for immediate takeoff. We set sail west, towards the Forsaken Archipelago.”

At that point, the two newest members of the crew exchanged nervous glances before moving off towards their tasks. Vathos began to work with the mooring, drawing back the heavy ropes they had used to tie the ship into place. Pulling up the gangplank, he battened it down before approaching the solid timber mast at the center of the deck. The three small pirates watched with amazement as he quickly scaled the pole as though it were nothing. He found his place in the crow's nest high above in the blink of an eye and began shouting down words to the helmsman.

On the other end of the ship, Thadd had begun to fiddle with the numerous crystals embedded around the helm as he took hold of the wheel. With a firm grip, he spun the ship away from the dock, his feet tapping the glowing stones beneath them, adjusting the vessel's pitch and yaw as he guided it gracefully out of the aeroport.

“Well,” Kiertan spoke, glancing at his new companions. “I guess we’re off.”

“Yeah, we did it!” Nimble replied excitedly as he approached the edge and watched the ground slowly moving farther away from the ship. “We actually di—”

“Fug yeah!” Finley screamed, her small feet quickly pattering away.

The two watched as the goblin rushed to the bow of the ship, where she threw her arms out wide. She inhaled deeply, the wind whipping at her greased black hair, before extending her middle fingers out wide.

“Fug all y’allz! My nameziz Finley Bucketts! And I stoleziz thiz fuggin’ ship!”

“Finley, we stole this ship.” Kiertan corrected her again.

“Poh-tay-to or whateverz.” She replied, jumping back and rushing over to the group with a twinkle in her eyes. “We’re pirateziz. We’re official pirateziz. Hey y’all, let’s do a crime next!”

“We just committed a crime! Two actually!”

“I mean, I’d be down to attack a passing ship.” Nimble nodded in agreement with Finley. “Steal some cargo that we can sell back to people for profit. I mean, money’s good, right?”

Kiertan sighed, rubbing a hand to his face as he puffed on his pipe. With a slight nod of agreement, he waved them away.

"Fine," He groaned. "Fine. I have enough magic left to attack a small ship."

“Wahoo!” Finley cried out, directing her attention towards the helm. “Yo, Thadd! Pick up the speedziz! We’re gonna stealz from someonez.”

The lanky human cocked his head to the side as he looked down at the three curiously.

“Pick up the speed?” He replied, speaking over the gentle breeze that whipped at the vessel. “What do you mean? This is as fast as we can go.”

“What?” Kiertan coughed. “I thought you were still at an idling speed for leaving the port.”

The man laughed, shaking his head and appearing to find great humour in the groundling's comment.

“No,” Thadd finally replied. “Ol’ Snakecock didn’t believe that faster meant better. We charged by the hour for deliveries after all.”

Glancing at each other again, the trio of new pirates shot each other unimpressed looks.

“I'll see if I can enhance the engine or something.” Nimble spoke up, turning towards the stairs. “Let me know if a dick needs punching.”

“Willz do,” Finley replied, glancing up at the crow’s nest. “I’ll go’n hang out in the crowziz nest. Find us-iz a target.”

This left Kiertan, who sighed once more, believing it was a bad idea to push their luck. But, with his companions already set on the idea, he moved to make himself more useful.

“I guess I’ll learn to pilot the ship.”

Except that was when Kiertan heard Vathos cry out from above.

"We've got an E-Nine ship, fast approaching from the docks!"