Chapter 5

I must have fallen asleep in the end, even though I remember tossing in bed for an eternity, because I woke up to a loud thud, and I startled awake and fumbled to turn on the lamp standing next to my bed.

I glanced at Xiaolian as the light came on and then gasped in shock, and a wave of nausea shook my body. She was sitting, the top of her pyjamas unbuttoned, slowly piercing the skin on her belly with a safety pin.

“What are you doing?!”

I scrambled out of bed and over to her.

“Yuna…”

She smiled, beaming, and tried to catch my gaze, but I couldn't take my eyes from the safety pin in her hands.

“I really wanted to meet you.”

I shivered at the tone of her voice, and my body was covered with cold sweat, and another wave of nausea rose from my belly.

“Stop it!”

She froze and looked down.

“I didn’t want to scare you… I am sorry.”

“Xiaolian”

I forced myself to reach for her and for a brief moment rested my hand on her shoulder, but she shook her head.

“Xi is not here… Could you call me Naomi?”

“N-Naomi?”

I blinked, startled by her answer. She smiled at me and, to my relief, closed the safety pin and placed her hands in her lap.

“Why do you do that?”, I blurted, gasping for air.

"It makes me feel alive. It makes me feel real. Don’t worry, I promised Xi not to hurt myself too badly. She lets us be ourselves, but I know she doesn’t like it.”

She flipped the safety pin in her hand and started to fiddle with it as another spell of dizziness overtook my body, and I stumbled back.

“Are you okay, Yuna?”

She looked at me, concerned. I tried to nod as I always did, but it only made it worse.

“Sit down, it will be okay. I am sorry I scared you. I didn’t mean to…”

I sat down on the edge of her bed, and she moved closer, almost sitting by my side.

“How do you feel?”

“F-fine...”

I stared at my feet, trying to find a still point in the chaotic, spinning world around me. It helped, and slowly, the dizziness and nausea began to pass, and I was free to breathe at will once again.

“How do you know you are real?”, she asked suddenly, and I looked at her, confused by her question.

Should I talk to her? Would that stop her from doing it again? Should I call for help? But who? Madame Faber? I shivered at the thought.

She kept looking at me with her soft eyes, waiting for an answer, but my mind went blank, and breathing became difficult once more. What if I gave her the wrong answer and she... I shivered and hesitantly asked,

“Why...why do you ask?”

She sighed with disappointment and looked down.

“Yuna…”, she whispered before continuing, “Could you put your hand on my shoulder, as you did before?”

I didn’t dare to disobey her request and hesitantly did what she asked. Her body felt cold, even through the fabric of her pyjamas, and it felt unsettling at first. I always kept people at a distance, never letting anyone into my personal space, and never had I imagined I would be the one to willingly cross that border, even if asked.

“Thank you…”

She looked at me with a smile.

“This makes me feel that I am real. I must be real if I can feel your touch, right?”

I shivered. I didn’t know what to reply, suddenly becoming aware of how weird everything had been since I arrived, but my mind shut down those thoughts almost as soon as they appeared, leaving my body tense in the process, but at least I could breathe.

“Maybe we should go to sleep? It is late…”, I tried.

I had tried to soften my voice and make it sound pleasant, but despite my efforts, she looked hurt by my words when she slowly nodded. I got up and walked over to my bed, suddenly aware of how loud my footsteps were. Only then did I notice my book lying on the floor, open, its spine bent after the fall. Was that what had woken me up? But how?

I picked it up and smoothed the pages with my hand, suddenly feeling sad about the damage it had suffered. I glanced at the desk. How had it fallen? I frowned and put it back, this time far away from the edge, and then lay down in bed.

I didn’t dare to look at her before turning off the lamp, but when the darkness enveloped me in a safe cocoon, I forced myself to whisper,

“Good night, Naomi.”

At least I could do that much for her and disperse some of my guilt.

“Good night, Yuna…”

Her voice echoed in the darkness as I wrapped myself in my duvet, pulling it close.

“Yuna…?”, she whispered just as I closed my eyes. “Can we be friends?”

Somehow, I felt she really meant it, and it scared me.

“Of course, Naomi. We… we can be friends...”, I whispered back, not daring to hurt her again with my rejection.

She probably didn’t really mean it anyway. Friendship… Another empty word that didn’t carry any meaning, yet everyone pretended otherwise and got surprised when their fantasies fell apart. Life wasn't like an anime, yet part of me really hoped she meant what she said.

                                                                        —-------

I knew it was a dream, but I couldn’t wake up even if I tried.

I was alone; I was always alone in these dreams, and the light that surrounded me watched my every step, searching for something I didn’t have.

Why…

If only I knew what it was… But I had lost it a long time ago. How… I watched my hands pass over my body in search of an answer, unable to stop the movement.

I never was, no matter how hard I tried.

My mind was screaming, knowing what would come next, and I was helpless in stopping it.

Even with closed eyes, I saw the veil of light splitting in front of me, and I braced myself for impact and for what would come after. A quiet sob escaped my mouth, but instead of the grey wall rushing towards me with incredible speed, I saw something surrounded by a cold blue light standing on the road, waiting for me.

                                                                          —------

I woke up in a cold sweat, gasping for air as the faint morning light simmered through the drawn curtains. I never remembered how the dream ended, but I was grateful for it, the terror it brought still lingering in my body.

I tried to stretch to shake off remaining tension, only to realise how tired and drained I felt. Those dreams, no matter how scary they were, had never left me feeling like this. Why now? I sighed and looked at my watch. It was still early, barely dawn, but I knew I wouldn’t fall asleep again. I sat up quietly, not wanting to wake her, but then glanced at her bed.

To my surprise, she was sitting cross-legged on her bed, wearing that ridiculous onesie and watching me with a smile. How long had she been up? Had she been observing me all this time when I was asleep?

“Good morning, Yuna!”

“G-good morning,” I mumbled, not sure how I should call her.

I rushed to the en-suite toilet and scrubbed my face with cold water, hoping it would wash away my confusion and give me time to think about what had happened last night.

“Yuna? Are you okay?”

I froze, hearing her voice following me in here, and the small space suddenly felt suffocating, and I gasped for air.

“I... I am f-fine,” I mumbled, leaning against the door.

She just cared, I tried to tell myself. I shouldn’t act like that… Weren’t we friends, and aren’t friends supposed to look after each other?

Hesitantly, I put my hand on the lock and cracked the door open, peeking through the gap before opening and walking back into our room. She looked at me as if she had waited for me to come out.

“Did you have a bad dream?”

I froze, not daring to look at her.

“It’s okay," she whispered. “They cannot really hurt you," she continued, almost as if she were trying to convince herself rather than me, making me feel guilty about my thoughts.

“They can't…”

I nodded quietly, hoping that our combined statement would make it real, yet I still felt weak and dizzy, as a strange emptiness had taken hold in my chest since I woke up.

She glanced at me and tried to smile.

“We could go for a walk. It will help,” she suggested.

I hesitated as the memories of last night swirled before my eyes. Should I bring it up? No, what if she hurt herself again? I could feel her watching me, waiting for an answer. I nodded hesitantly.

“We could…”

I walked to my wardrobe. Getting some fresh air was probably a good idea. The forest around the estate was beautiful. I remember seeing all those stunning photos on their website that made me want to wander among those old trees, so different from what I knew.

I picked a pair of soft grey trousers, a white top, and a blue hoodie with the FIE logo on the back. Going outside and having a look around as the sun slowly rose: it felt like a great way to clear my mind. I dropped my nightgown to the floor and threaded my leg through the trousers.

She looked away but didn’t move from her place on the bed. Did she really plan to go out in her onesie? She had it yesterday… Suddenly, the idea of going somewhere together felt really awkward. What if someone saw us? It would be so embarrassing… My stomach twisted, and breathing became more difficult.

What if… I shook my head. I shouldn’t think like that. Weren’t we friends? She meant it, I could feel it. Hadn’t I always wanted to have a genuine friend? Not someone who used that word to get something from me. I had learned a long time ago that it often was.

I should cherish what I have. Even if it didn’t look like I’d imagined it to be.