Septum Ring Theory

“What the hell was that?” Bridget mumbled to herself, as she opened the car door. “What a waste of time. I’m so done with dating,” she muttered, as she fumbled to insert the key in the ignition with her mitten-clad hand. It was winter, and the engine whined several times before turning over. She switched the heated seat on and sat there, waiting for the car to warm up before driving away from one of the worst dates she had been on recently. Possibly the worst date she had ever had.

Bridget arrived back at her one bedroom apartment. She glanced up at the large building covered in windows, the sun was behind her now, causing a reflection off the windows that kept her from seeing the building at all. It’s red brick facade shielded by the glowing rays of reflected sunlight.

As she opened the apartment door, a bushy golden blob scampered in front on her. She felt two large paws land on her shoulders.

“Hi Hank, have you been a good boy?” She asked, as the golden retriever dismounted and began circling her, crying faintly. “Yes, yes, you have to pee. I know. Just let me put my stuff down, okay?" Hank sat in front of her, wagging his tail patiently. She clipped his leash on and they set off down the short flight of stairs to the front yard. Bridget liked to take Hank for a long walk when she was feeling down. It helped her process all her thoughts, and it also helped that she could bounce her thoughts off Hank, who had no idea what she was talking about, but always enjoyed listening with an intent head tilt. He was very supportive, as a best friend should be.

As she walked, Bridget began to reflect on the date from which she had just returned. Steve. She had met Steve on Buzz, one of those new dating apps that everyone kept recommending to her. She was thinking now of swearing off the apps entirely, after this encounter.

Steve’s pictures were exactly what you’d expect from a 30-something male dating profile. One of him holding up a small fish. One of him drinking beer with a bunch of friends. One of him with his arm around a fuzzy blurred out person, who appeared to be dressed to the nines. Maybe his prom date from high school? Maybe a current wife that he’s cheating on? So hard to say with dating apps these days.

Steve was conventionally handsome, in the way that he looks like a generic Prince Charming. Dark hair, piercing blue eyes, chiselled yet average features. Bridget wasn’t even sure why she matched with him, she already told herself that she was taking a break from men.

Steve had suggested they meet up at a local coffee house, which she was rather excited about, as an avid coffee drinker herself. She was also glad for the chance to meet this guy in a public setting. You can’t be too careful these days. She spotted him right away sitting near the back of the bustling coffee shop. She ran up to the counter and grabbed a coffee before heading towards him to sit down.

“Hi, you must be Steve, I’m Bridget,” she said softly, she was trembling with nervousness. This was her sixth date in the last 6 months, and they still always made her shake with anticipation.

“Uh, yeah, I’m Steve. You don’t look like your pictures," Steve barked snidely.

“Oh, sorry...?” she squeaked out, completely caught off guard.

“I was expecting you to have brown hair, but it’s.... blue...” he stared at the royal blue hair that framed the sides of her face, poking out from under her winter hat. She was quiet for a moment, thinking back to the dating profile pictures she had added to the Buzz app a few weeks before. They were all fairly recent, and there were at least 3 different hair colours in those pictures.

“Sorry if it’s not what you were expecting. I had blue hair in one of the photos, and pink hair, and purple too, I think,” she stammered, trying to explain herself. Why was she justifying her hair colour to this man she just met? The thought was fleeting before he spoke again.

“Oh, I didn’t look past the first picture, to be honest. I just swipe right on every girl who’s mildly attractive. Lesson learned, I guess...“ he rolled his eyes and sighed loudly. She swiftly changed the topic, not wanting to linger in the awkwardness any longer. 

“Did you get a coffee?” she asked, seeing that he didn’t have anything in front of him on the little round table.

“No, I don’t drink coffee, I think it’s kinda gross, actually,” he loudly announced, seemingly proud of his denouncement of coffee drinkers while sitting in a bustling coffee shop.

“Oh, okay, well we didn’t have to come here, you were the one who suggested it,” she stated, braver now, as she swiftly decided right then, there would not be a second date with this particular troglodyte.

“Yeah, I just know white bitches love ice coffee,” he proclaimed with a wink and a sneer. The look gave her a shudder. She was already getting the ick from this imbecile.

“Did he just call me a bitch?” she thought to herself, completely flabbergasted at the audacity Steve was presenting on their very first date at this coffee shop.

“Right...” she murmured, breaking eye contact with him and sinking a bit lower into her seat. She had to find a way out of this date fast. “Do you like dogs?” she asked, trying once more to change the subject to something else.

“No way, they’re the worst” Steve boasted, as if this was the answer she was hoping for. “Dogs are smelly and messy and all of them hate me, why would anyone want a dog?” he asked, rhetorically to the room.

“Oh, well, I have a do—” she began, but before she could get the words out, Steve was already speaking over her.

“Your eyes are pretty, did you know that? I think they’ll be nice for me to stare into later in your bed.” He winked at her again, and she felt her stomach drop. 

“This man-child thinks I’m taking him back to my bed? After this horrendous date? Yeah, right.” she scoffed in her mind, smirking slightly at herself.

Steve, seeing her smirk, took that as an acceptance of his invitation, and started getting up.

“Shall we?” He gestured toward the door.

“Shall we what?” she stammered, knowing full well there will be no second location with this beast.

“I just thought we could get outta here, maybe head back to your place.” Steve muttered, caught a bit off guard himself. His plan was foolproof, after all. Flash the eyes, hurl vague insults, and they melt in the palm of his hand. Why doesn’t this chick follow his unspoken rules?

“No, that won’t be happening. Thanks for...” she gestured vaguely around “...nothing.” And with that, she turned on a heel and headed to her car.

“Yeah well, the septum ring theory strikes again!” he called after her, attempting to wound her with his words.

She smiled to herself as she exited the coffee shop. She had only heard of the septum ring theory recently, stating that any woman with a septum piercing has been brainwashed by anti-male feminism and is mentally compromised. She thought to herself that maybe the septum ring theory was in fact real, and it kept the creeps away from her. Thank goodness for that.