Some Sort of Progress

Gritting my teeth and clutching the railing tightly with both hands, I growled, “I didn’t ask to lose my memories, you know.” With my head continuing to throb, I found there was no holding back the avalanche of my frustration, and continued, “And it isn’t like I asked for any help recovering them, either. I wish there was some magical way to bring them back, but there isn’t, Ruri! And I’m getting tired of everyone dragging me around all over the place and pushing me to get better right now, like I’m some sort of science experiment! I have no idea how or why my memories come back, or even if they will at all!”

Ruri’s eyes went wide as she spluttered, “TK, no, that’s not what I meant! I just don’t know how to help you, and…well, how do we move forward from here? I mean, that night, we –”

“Ruri, I don’t even know who I am, anymore!” I cut her off, pushing away from the railing as I began to pace. “And I don’t know how or even if anyone can help me with this. All I wanted today was a break. Just a chance to relax and not have to worry about anything. But all we managed to do was to remind each other of what we’ve lost, and now, this damned headache’s back…” I left my sentence hanging as I stepped away from her, planting myself down upon the hard stone of a nearby bench and holding my head with a hand in an attempt to staunch the flare of pain in my temples.

I slowly started to calm down, only to reflect upon how I had just acted towards her. Darn it, I mentally berated myself, I totally lost my cool there. She’s just trying to help…she didn’t deserve any of that. Man, I really suck.

Trying to hide my face with my hand, I sat there for a while, and was startled when I eventually felt Ruri’s slender form sit down beside me. She rested a hand upon the small of my back and whispered, “Sorry, TK. I was so excited to spend the day with you after so long that I didn’t really give a thought to how you were feeling about all this. It’s just like back then…” She trailed off, and I glanced over to see a vacant look in her eyes before she shook her head and continued, “Never mind, it’s not important. My point is, I’m sorry for pushing you so hard to remember, or making it seem like I was disappointed that you can’t. I know it isn’t your fault, but still, I…I just want things to go back to normal! That’s all.”

Turning to face her properly, I replied, “No, Ruri, it isn’t your fault. I let my nerves get the better of me. I’m sorry; I shouldn’t have yelled at you like that. I really do appreciate you trying to help, and of course, I want things to go back to normal, too. But what even is normal, anyway? I have no idea what my daily life is like. My friends, my own family, and even you; the people that are supposed to be closest to me are now complete strangers. And I’m just supposed to act like nothing happened? I’m so confused!”

“I didn’t consider that,” Ruri murmured sadly, “but you’ve got a point. I guess I just assumed that things would naturally settle back into a routine, without giving much thought about how you were handling everything. You’ve always been so calm and dependable, like nothing ever truly got under your skin. At some point, I started taking that for granted. Of course it wouldn’t be that easy.”

I tossed her words around in my head for a few moments as I considered how to respond. Even if she was not much more than a stranger to me now, there was certainly something about her that made me want to confide in her, a certain comfort that her mere presence brought. Ultimately, I decided to share my doubts.

“I’ve also had this question, ever since I woke up…am I still the same person I was before the accident? I have no idea. But, is it fair to you to try to entertain a relationship with someone who might not even exist anymore? It’s possible that I’ll never get my memories back, Ruri. It isn’t that I don’t like you or anything, I just…I don’t know that I want to continue this if it’s just going to cause you pain. And on top of that, with everything else…I’m not sure that I’m ready for a romantic relationship. Right now, I just need some time to figure things out, you know?”

Ruri stared at me for a long time, her expression completely unreadable. Then, a distant smile crept onto her lips, and she whispered, “You know, that kind of thoughtfulness is so much like the TK I know.”

Before I could react, she leaned close and planted a soft kiss on my cheek. Flustered, I floundered for a reply as she rose and danced away a few steps before adding over her shoulder, “I’m glad you decided to share all that, though. Now I understand a little bit more about what you’re going through. So for now, why don’t we just take it slow? If you do manage to recover everything, then that’s great! But in the meantime…if you really are a different person now, I’d like to get to know who that is, too.”

Just then the sun, which had been trying to hide behind clouds for half the day, suddenly peaked out of the wispy canopy, wrapping Ruri’s smiling face in a golden halo. Something deep within me stirred in response, not quite a memory, but also more than just a feeling, as if I was on the verge of recalling something very, very important. I rose and half-opened my mouth to respond, when a single raindrop fell upon my outstretched hand, followed by dozens more.

“Aww,” Ruri sighed as she held out her hands, staring at the sky in disbelief. Rummaging around in her purse, she grumbled, “I could’ve sworn I put one in here…ugh, we’re gonna get soaked at this rate!”

Whatever epiphany I might have been about to have, the feeling quickly faded, the moment lost to time. With a heavy sigh, I reached into my own pack and retrieved the umbrella that I had brought along. Opening it with a quick flick of my wrist, I held it so that it would be able to shield at least half of each of us as we walked side by side, and told her, “Come on, let’s head home.”

Instead of walking beside me like I had intended, Ruri wrapped her arms around the one I was using to hold the umbrella, nestling up against me as closely as she could get. When I confusedly tried to shake her off, she mumbled, “Please, just let me have this.”

“Alright,” I relented, doubtful that she would let go even if I objected. It wasn’t as though I was upset by it, but an embarrassed heat rose to my cheeks as we made our way towards the gates. Once again, the sensation of familiarity returned, not quite as strong as before. It wasn’t a memory, but some other strange sensation that I spent a while struggling to name, before I finally realized what it was.

“Déjà vu,” I gasped, and Ruri glanced up at me with a questioning look. “It, ah, it feels like I’ve done this before. And I don’t think it’s my imagination, either.”

Ruri’s face turned red, and she quickly looked back down at the ground beneath our feet, but I was sure that I could feel her giggling against my side as she remarked, “I suppose that’s some sort of progress.”

I looked out into the distance, where the falling raindrops caught the light of the scattered sun, and breathed, “Yeah. I guess you’re right.”