Reincarnated? Really? As what? Some kind of Genie? (RAG?)
DISCLAIMER: All facts appearing in this novel are fictitious, any resemblance to real facts, online or offline is purely coincidental.
I sat in seiza, cast open the case and donned a pair of black spectacles.
"Care to do a recap?" I enquired.
"No problem. Let's go for it!"
"So do you have any other questions?"
"Oh, no, none at all. I already know I'm dead, and that this is probably the afterlife."
"What makes you so sure? Care to share the thought process that led you to this conclusion?"
Time to shine. For real this time
"I've known all along. From the moment I saw that door swing open. I knew the door's behavior was inconsistent with universally established laws of physics and by that I'm primarily referring to how it's velocity fluctuated as it swung open. The law of inertia was violated not once but severally. The door made slight jerks, imperceptible to the average eye. I even considered the slight chance that I was on another planet, so I did a bit of quick math to affirm my suspicions. After 2 seconds, slightly slower than usual for me, my math brought me to the truth: Of all the known planets in the solar system, not one of them is theoretically capable of having a door that jerks between swings."
"That was excellent. Let's test your abilities further. Suppose the door hadn't jerked between swings, how would you have gone about proving that this is indeed the afterlife?"
"The doorknob gave it away."
"True. Care to elaborate for our audience?"
"Sure. Basically, doors have their knobs positioned at a specified height above ground level. Positioning it any lower would require anyone opening the door to assume a fairly awkward position. The human back is quite sensitive you see. That fact is made evident by the sheer number of people who suffer from some kind of back pain. That door right there wasn't made with the welfare of humans in mind, it could only exist in a place like this— the afterlife."
"However, you made one fatal error."
"This isn't the afterlife."
"Yes, a minor error."
"You said 'fatal' before."
"Well, yes. Your error possesses a duality. The fatality of your error lies in it's semantic implication. If this is indeed the afterlife then the remainder of this novel would basically be dialogue . That in itself is not a bad thing, but can we maintain conversation between just the two of us. What would we do? Parody anime and manga till we reach 45,000 words? The minority of your error lies in how close you were to knowing what this place is. Did you notice there was an office table? If only you'd only been a little more observant, you could have put afterlife and office together but alas, you were far too naïve."
"Ku-ku-ku. You've been misguided my friend, for It is not I who failed to see, but you who failed to listen. Did you ever hear me say that I knew for certain that this is the afterlife. My choice of words was no mere coincidence. "Probably" was chosen on purpose! I knew from the start that your possessed ulterior motives. Your compliments sounded shallow and they reeked of sarcasm."
"You could smell it?"
"You should take this seriously, you just tried to humiliate me in front of everyone I know, and you have the nerve to ask such redundant questions."
"Don't apologise just yet. There's one more thing you've kept hidden from us all. Tell us, oh lord of PUSH-UP HOLDS , who was it that opened the door?
"I-I-It was I."
"Now, ask me how I knew."
"How you knew?"
"Yes, ask me 'how did you know?' "
"....how did you know?"
I adjusted my glasses, and they went sparkle, sparkle.
"Your handwriting gave it away."
"No way, but how?"
"Trust me, the answer to that is so convoluted, even the author couldn't pen it down."
"Would you be willing to help me find a new author?"
"Oh, sure but what about the contest rules?"
"The scope of the rules is limited to what authors are allowed to do. Characters are free"
"Yeah, I guess. But they'll find out eventually won't they?"
"No, not if we keep it between just the two of us."
"We could call our manga Attack on Contest."
"Remember it's 'may be
illegible eligible' "
"I haven't forgotten. Sob-sob."
"I think the chapter's long enough now. It shouldn't be too long so let's wrap up."
"Wait! I just realized I don't know what your name is. Honestly, that's just bad writing."
"Yes, my voice wasn't silent when I said that."
"I'm John Smith, and who, dear friend, might you be?"
"I'm... Wait, you're not the main char—"
"Just kidding, just kidding—I'm Eugene. Eugene Pun."
"That's a pretty cool name. I'm Gob."
"Gob? Gob Ta?"
"No, it's Gob Lin, actually."