Memories I'd Rather Shut Off (PART 1)

Of course…
Why would she wait for me. We just met.
She walked with me yesterday only because her crush wasn’t there.
I was just a… substitute.

With heavy and dramatic thoughts sitting in my chest, I walked down the corridor and out of the building.

Alice has his girlfriend, and Nate has Carl to walk home with. I’m  the only one left by myself.
I stepped onto the school ground, slowing my pace.

I don’t want things to be the same as last time…but it looks like it's just not possible.

I kept walking with my head lowered, and almost reached the school gates.

“You sure took your time, huh?”

I knew that voice. I didn’t even need to turn around.

“Kayla!” I called out, “You are…here…”

My mood lifted instantly.

“Yeah,” she said, walking up beside me, “the corridor gets too crowded during departure, so I was waiting for you here.”

“Oh, I see.” I nodded.

We fell into step together.

“So,” she glanced at me, “how was today? Anything interesting happened?”

“Uhm,” I scratched my chin, “not really. I did meet some guys though, and they were nice.”

“Oh, that’s good.” She said, her tone shifting slightly, “so... are you gonna stop walking home with me now?”

“What?” I blinked, “No. Why would I?”

“I mean…” she slowed her steps a little, “you’d prefer to walk with them over me.”

Is that what she thinks? That I don’t like walking with her?

“No, Kayla,” I said quickly, “I wouldn’t. I, uh... don’t even know if they think of me as a friend or not. We just met today.”

“Right,” she said, “For all we know, they could be laughing behind your backs.”

…

Wait, what? But they were so nice to me and even shared their lunch with me.
…they did ask me weird questions though, but...
She could be right about them. I don't know much about people anyway.

“But…they were so nice to me.”

“I know,” she nodded, “People are just like that. Nice to your face, different behind your back. That’s why I don’t even talk to anyone in the school.”

She doesn’t?
Then why––

“But, you are talking to me now.” I pointed.

She looked at me for a second, and then,

“You are different, Finn.”

…

WHAT?

“Different…how?” I asked.

She smiled faintly.

“I mean, you are fun to be around. And your reaction when I tease you are cute. And you don't say mean stuff about me.”

…Is that how she feels about me?? And here I was, thinking I was just––

“What about your crush?” curiosity kept getting better of me as I asked every question that came to mind, “Do you not talk to him either?”

She paused.
Mid walk.

“He…” she began, her voice quieter now, “He just…he doesn’t even look at me anymore.”

“That…sucks…I think.”

At that moment, without my knowledge or consent, a thought crept in.
And settled deep inside me.

She continued walking without saying anything more.

We were at the station the next moment, waiting for the train.

“Um…Kayla?” I leaned slightly toward her, “Are you alright?”

“Yeah, no. I’m fine.” She said, though her voice didn’t sound like it. “It’s just…”

She seemed as if she was on the verge of tears.
And I couldn’t bear watching anymore.

“If he doesn’t notice you, then…” I started adding my two cents, “just…forget about him, maybe. I mean…he can’t be that worth you getting this emotional over him, can he?”

…

I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have any ulterior motives behind my ‘suggestion’, but soon enough I realized what I had done.

Fuck.
What happened to me?
This is not me.
I should be supporting and encouraging her, not telling her to give up just like that.
And besides...we are just good friends...that's all.
…

“Yeah,” she said softly, “you might be right.”

The train arrived on the platform.
We stepped in with the crowd.

It was packed as usual, with people pressing shoulder to shoulder.

“Uhm,” I started, “about what I said earlier––”

“There’s this new burger place in town,” she cut in, looking up at me, “wanna check it out together?”

“Yep. Definitely. Count me in.”

She smiled.

“Sorry I interrupted you, were you saying something?”

“Nope. You must be hearing things.”

…Fixing my mistake can wait, visiting that burger place together can’t.

I reached home, kicked off my shoes at the door, dropped my bag and threw myself onto the bed.

“Dude. Dude. DUDE!”

I stared at the ceiling, grinning like an idiot.

I can’t believe we’re going to that burger place together––
But… when?

…

I sat up.

“I forgot to ask, shit!”

I don’t even have her contact.

…

Well, whatever, I can just ask it tomorrow.

BUT I secured a burger shop dat––

…

Would that be a date?

No, right?
She thinks of me as just a friend...

I flopped back into the bed, staring at the ceiling.

A few minutes later, I dragged myself into the kitchen.

I opened the fridge.

…

Sighed.

And closed it.

Another PBJ night, huh? I should really learn how to cook.

But it sounds like too much effort.

I bought all these cook-books but they’re now just collecting dust.

…

PBJ it is!

Next day came early.

I rubbed my eyes and checked my phone.

6:31

An hour, huh?
I should hurry today.

I stepped into the bathroom, out the next minute, and walked into the kitchen half naked.

I can’t forget my lunch today.

I quickly mixed tuna and mayo, put it on bread, shoved them in the lunchbox, and came back into my room.

Socks. Jeans. Belt. Shirt. Jacket.

In that order.

Done.

I stood infront of the mirror.

“Hmmmmm…”

I ran my fingers through my hair once.

“Hmmm….?”

Twice.

“Yep…good enough.”

I picked up my bag from where I’d left it yesterday, slipped on my school shoes, and stepped outside.

7:25

…

…

I’M EVEN LATER THAN YESTERDAY???!!!!

I broke into a run.

Today I was genuinely quick with everything…why do I keep getting later and later?

I ran as fast as I could down the street with my bag in my hand, hoping I didn’t forget anything.

I’m gonna miss the train today…Fuck!

By the time I made it to my platform, the train was already there, doors about to close.

I dashed forward and stepped into the last carriage just in time.

Inside, I bent over, hand on my knees, trying to catch my breath.

…

As I stopped panting, I had already arrived at my stop.

I stepped out of the train and, once again, started looking around.

Left.

Right.

…

There!

I spotted her in no time.

Same black backpack.
Same pink gacha keychain.

Hard to miss.
She was looking down at her phone, completely absorbed.

“Hey, Kayla,” I called out, jogging up to her.

She turned around to look at me.

“Sorry, I got late today and ended up in the last carriage.”

“Huh? Oh––”

She quickly shoved the phone in her pocket.

“H-Hey, Finn. How’s it going?”

…Did she not hear me?
Well, whatever.

“Great so far,” I replied, “what about you? Had breakfast today?”

We started walking side by side towards the school.

Talking.

Nothing important just…talking.

By the time we reached the building, the usual noise had already taken over.

I reached my classroom and slid open the door, stepping in.

I was greeted with the same exact scene; everyone busy in their own life–talking, scrolling…just existing.

I had already gotten used to it.

“Yo, Finn!” Carl waved at me from near the door, “How it goes?”

All three of them were gathered near Nat’s desk.

“Hey, guys,” I waved back as I walked toward them, “I’m doing great, what about you g––“

Suddenly, Kayla’s words flashed in my mind, and my steps stopped.

…

“Uhm…” I forced a smile, as I took a step back, “The class is almost starting, see you guys later!”

I rushed to my seat and sat down.

I shouldn’t get too attached to them.
Kayla can’t be wrong.
I must be just a laughingstock to them.

Just a few moments later, Ms. Beatrice entered, and the class started.

One class.

Then another.

And we were done.

It was lunch break in no time.

…

Great! It’s there. I didn’t forget it today.

I took it out, popped open the lid, and was about to dig into it when…

“Hey, Finn,”

I looked up.

Nat stood there, with Alice and Carl behind him.

“We are going to eat our lunch at the rooftop today. You coming?”

“Eh… I think I’ll pa––“

“Kayla eats there too.”

Alice’s voice cut in.

…

I froze.

…

Wait…Really?

“Sure, guys,” I said quickly, getting up, “let’s go to the rooftop.”

I got up, grabbed my lunchbox, and joined them.

We left the classroom together for the rooftop. Nat and Carl were leading the way, with me and Alice just steps behind them.

“You sure are close with Kayla, aren’t you?” Alice asked me as we were walking up the stairs.

“Huh?” I blinked. “Yeah…k-kind of.”

The school building was only three floors, so we reached it pretty quickly.

It wasn’t very crowded, just some small groups of students sitting on the ground here and there.

We found a spot and sat down.

“Alright,” Nat said, as he opened his lunchbox, “Who’s helping me finish my lunch today?”

“Why do you even bring so much food?” Carl groaned, “Just bring what you can eat, dude.”

“Don’t start,” Nat shot back, “It’s my mom. I can’t say no to her cooking, you know. I don't wanna be disowned.”

Seeing them go about their daily life, it felt… peaceful.
Normal.
I got so distracted that I forgot why I came to the rooftop in the first place. 

I quickly took my eyes off them and started looking around, scanning the whole rooftop.

Now…where can she be…I don’t see her.

“Kayla usually sits over there,” Alice said, pointing towards a group of three girls, “I don’t know why she isn’t there today though.”

“I-I wasn’t looking for her,” I said quickly, looking away.

“Hey, Finn,”

Alice tone shifted.

I looked up, and…

He wasn’t smiling anymore.

“There’s something you should know.”