Can I Please Not Be Responsible?

It haunted her back. Each step she took. Everything thought spun together. All words formed came from a foundation it built. A creation of stone, forever and unyielding. Impossible to ignore and towering with a shadow that stretched to eternity.

Escape was gone.

Noriko had no answer for Maiko at that moment. Or any moment that followed that night. Only silence and awkwardly forced conversation pushed out in a delay. It barely even managed to do that. If she wasn’t actively focused on something it stalked her. It forced her to think about it.

Even in her sleep they haunted her. Ghostly apparitions of Maiko and Hiroyuki stalked her in halls filled with dakis and mountains of doujin. It was the first time she felt so emotionally and mentally conflicted by such a scene.

She awoke exhausted. It was a nightmare. She wanted to murder Maiko for putting such a thing in her head. She was never going to have a normal day again. Just one moment freed from torment, she would kill for it. Possibly actually if the day continued to drain her.

“Morning!”

Noriko didn’t even need to look. She spent enough time with him to know his voice anywhere. Didn’t help that he was chasing her in her dreams. So it was etched in with a knife on her skull. And she wasn’t even but one step off the elevator. Work hadn’t even started yet. What was life’s joke on her?

Shuttering with her mouth agape, she stared up at Hiroyuki. She couldn’t even enjoy the beauty of his perfectly chiseled jaw line or sparkling eyes because Maiko’s voice was screaming in her head. Noriko took a panicked step back.

It all happened so fast that Hiroyuki hadn’t picked up on her fear yet. And it claimed her once more. She snapped around looking over in the direction of Arata. “Higashiyama! I’ve come for your bounty!”

And on cue, she saw him jump up squinting through half closed eyes and a griselled click of his teeth as Higashiyama drew his foam gun. He didn’t even hesitate to fire off a couple shots. The distance and her agility made it easy to evade. Though it did leave Hiroyuki under assault. “You won’t be claiming my head this day, gringo!”

‘I’m sorry. I’m pathetic.’ Noriko fled quickly as Higashiyama’s terror began to spread around the office. It gave her the moment of peace in chaos to reach her desk. She could only sigh in disappointment.

“Still running from your problems, I see.”

“And who’s fault is it?”

“Yours. You started this. I only asked a valid question.”

“You knew what you were doing.”

“And you’ve still yet to answer.”

“Because I can’t. How am I supposed to know? We go out and chat and flail about praying I don’t say something completely dumb as I hide all of my hobbies from him.”

“Glad you’re building a solid foundation for a relationship.”

“It’s not a relationship!”

“Yet.”

“Possibly.”

“Then be honest. With him. And yourself.”

“You’re insufferable."

“I’m also right.”

Maiko smirked, she didn’t even need to see her face to know that smirk. The words just curled the smirkiest smirk that her friend ever smirked on her. And she smirked a lot. Damn. She really did. A lot. Dammit.

She banged her head against the desk. Once. Twice. Three times, because who says thrice. It didn’t help. But it did give her a headache and a ringing. Maybe that would drown out the haunting. Or just make her too stupid to remember it anymore. That wouldn’t be so bad. It would be peaceful. But then how would she do her job anymore. Dammit.

Contradictions aside, Noriko forced herself to find a way to work. She was still an earnest Japanese salarywoman, work was her life.

BL was her life, but self-deception and denial were human qualities. It was also a river.

Work crawled across the clock of the world like it had been shot in the kidney. It was bleeding out everywhere. Just getting that mess everywhere. It bothered everyone with its problems. And no one got anything done. The groaning and death rattles just kept breaking any focus. They were truthfully rude and uncaring. How could work do such dastardly things to innocent people? It was almost like it had a smirk while it was dying. Being an amateur high school theater performance not knowing how to die right.

Dragged out.

The only thing that it succeeded in doing was leaving. It took a miserable nine hours to do so and an extra three of overtime, but it was gone. Though something else just replaced it. There had to be a sniper just taking cruel shots at an unsuspecting crowd of innocents. Once death came another had to begin.

A vicious cycle.

It just couldn’t be solved simply. Mashing through problems wouldn’t fix anything. Though it certainly felt good. So good. Oh hell did it ever feel good. Just round after round mashing it in the face repeatedly until the shout of KO came out of it. Knock that smirk right out of it. And then misery would be shared.

The controller flopped on the couch cushion. Maiko glared over at Noriko. “You’re really locked in. That pissed off at me?”

Noriko had been expressionless for nearly a solid thirty minutes. All it took was the first juicy crunch of that sound effect with the flash of seeing the fist going through the hot half naked anchor wielding woman. Thirty minutes was too short. Another was needed. This peace was too short lived.

She looked over at her friend. “Reap what you sow.”

“Way to kill the mood.” Maiko stood up and went over to the kitchen. She likely was sneaking a snack, her favored strawberries. “At least you’re taking it out in the game and not on me.”

“I think I’d break a finger first.”

“I am pretty thick boned.” She chomped off a strawberry from the leafy side as she stood by the sink. “Doesn’t make me any less right though.”

“But it felt good.”

“Well get it out of your system. You need to face the truth.”

“Not if I keep punching it away.”

“Glad to hear you’ve got a healthy grasp on your feelings and reality. How long are you going to keep using your co-workers as ammo to dodge him?”

Booting Maiko’s character out, she switched to AI on easy. She could take something on medium difficulty, but that wasn’t the point right now. The moment “Fight!” appeared she was on the unaware AI. Getting a perfect game had been something that she had done before, not often and usually in such cases as being the easiest setting. Tonight added to the short list.

Once she got a complete lock out on the AI, she paused. It took a little more of the edge off that Maiko left hanging unsatisfied. “As much as I wish I could say as long as there’s a bullet to fire, but I feel guilty about running from him again. I’m just back to the start again.”

“Should have been a track star if you’re so talented.”

“Har Har Har. You get to laugh it up stirring the pot. It’s my pot that you’re stirring, you know!”

“It’s a good pot. I like your pot.”

“I’d like you not to screw with my pot. I liked it the way it was.”

“It was boiling over.”

“No it wasn’t. You were impatient.”

“You were being too slow. You need to figure this out, girl. The way you’re going the two of you are going to have gray hair and wrinkles and you’re just going to be holding hands still. I feel bad for the guy.”

“I’m not that bad!” Maiko leaned a little as she ate another strawberry. Her eyes staring daggers at her. “A little. I don’t know what I’m doing.”

“It’s time to change that. Face up to him and just be honest. You don’t have to say yes. Rejecting him is fine.” Then her life might be a little less stressful. But until the matter with Hiroyuki was settled, there would not be an end to her stress.

Noriko squeezed on the controller. She didn’t continue another match. “I’ll have to take the time. He needs a proper response.”