Burpin Turd!

Music beats rang uninterrupted over the parking lot, but that only attracted more of a crowd. An impromptu party formed on the campus. It wasn’t unlike Gaienbu University to hold events, and most students didn’t rigorously check the event schedule. Food vendors would have completed the festive scene. There would surely be complaints about the lack of stands.

The camel hair coat swayed above heavy boots. A cough dripped flecks of saliva against a closed fist. Withered hand went above his head to block out the sun.

The bottom of Zaap’s boots formed two leathery ovals as he stood like a superhero floating in mid-air. If he had a cape, the ensemble would have been complete.

The old man pointed, yelling over the music with a scratchy voice, “Do you honestly think turning this into a dog and pony show is going to buy you time? We’ve been using entertainment to draw power from civilizations since before you hatched from your first Gribbeck stone. You can’t you maneuver us like this.”

“You call this entertainment?” Zaap frowned as his arms folded about his chest, biceps slightly flexed while he floated in mid-air, “You can’t repeat the same few verses and beats ad nauseum and call it entertainment.”

“Oh, but we can. And we’ve gotten better at it. All you have to do is release the right hormone cocktail in their brains and these humans will do almost anything. We have your captain, now come along peacefully. The human you’ve taken captive won’t be harmed. But she will be anesthetized.”

Yuki waved up at Zaap, “We can’t let them get away with this! They’re using mind control.”

“It’s not mind control if people like it,” the old man shouted, “Apprehend them. Don’t make me have coughing fit in this crowd.”

“Wait, how about a challenge?” Zaap offered, “If we can win over the crowd, we’ll come peacefully. All of us. And submit to your demands without making a fuss.”

The old man smirked, then laughed with wheeze escaping from every breath, “You’re on Valererixian. But you do know this means the end of your species if we win. Hilarious that a human of all things swallowed your Gribbeck stone! Let’s go DJ! Play our hit from sixty years ago!”

A giant belch rang throughout the crowd, many stopped dancing and covered their ears, but only for a moment as soon they were shimmying to the beat. A fat Irish man with a double chin danced on the screen so the crowd could follow along.

Burpin Turd!

Ugh Ugh Ugh, Up Down Up, Down Down, Down Down!

Ugh Ugh Ugh, Down Up Down, Down Down, Up Down!

Haven’t you listened to the Burpin’ Turd!?

Everybody hails the Burpin’ Turd!

That’s Stinky!

The chorus of ughs, up and downs continued while people danced. Only a few lost interest and walked away from the impromptu party. They more curious about the little alien and the woman dressed in a space suit.

“Are you enjoying the Burpin Turd,” the DJ shouted, “Let’s go one more round!” He shook his face to make his lips waggle, “Blublublublublu, Burpin’ Turd!”

Zaap pressed fingers against his horns, “They’ve seen through our strategy and raised the stakes. It appears that we’ve failed you all.”

“Use the folds in reality!” Yuki shouted up to him.

“Yes, the folds,” his eyes lit up as he smacked his fist into his palm, “like the captain, but we’ve never done it with Captain Zarp’s grace. There’s a chance doing so will prove useless and counter productive for the energy expenditure.”

“You can do it! We believe in you! Right Asami?”

“Umm yeah, what Yuki said, we believe in you!”

Zaap flexed, “Fine, alrighty then! Here we go. Let’s bring these brain rot crusaders down with real music. Asami, Queen Yuki, do you know any songs that are heartfelt and deeply connect to human emotion?”

“My grandmother listened to Enka, I might know a few songs, does that work?”

Asami and Yuki were floated upward and placed atop the truck’s trailer. It sounded hollow under their feet, empty. A light blue kimono patterned with white lotus flowers and green lotus leaves twirling about on a vine appeared on Asami; Zaap handed her the microphone.

“You’ve always been really good at Karaoke,” Yuki cheered, “You can do this!”

“Exactly how is this going to help us though?”

“The Flavions take excessive pride in controlling races through brain melting entertainment. If we can contest their brain rot with genuine human cultural output, we should be able to delay their attack long enough to escape.”

The old man smiled at Yuki as she looked down from the top of the trailer. A shiver went down her spine, “Are you sure we aren’t too close to the boombox bus? We’re going to be overpowered by that noise.”

“We should have enough space to perform, our music will be louder in our space,” he twirled and the truck was topped by two massive speakers appearing from dimensional pockets. An organ attached to drums held a guitar and multiple wind instruments. Hands sprouted from multiple arms growing over Zaap’s back, “We’ve been a huge fan of Enka since even before the Gribbeck stone was lost. Your most primitive music has an ability to sooth our souls. We may be able to serve as your accompaniment if you can do vocals.”

While Zaap took a seat, Asami looked unsure of herself. She clutched the microphone, “W-w-what do I sing about? I don’t know any songs by memory.”

“Just capture the style,” Yuki jumped, “Sing your heart out about something you love!”

“I love you; can I sing about you?”

Yuki pointed to herself, blushed bright green, and vomited. Purple goo ate through the top of the truck and fell into the cab below.

“So that’s how you really feel about me!”

“No! I didn’t mean to do that. My stomach’s still upset, and I love you too,” she was crying.

“Your human relationship is indeed lovely, but the Flavions have nearly completed drawing power from the crowd. At this rate, they’ll finish the show by apprehending us.”

Asami wiped her forehead while snickering, “I’m going to sing about you Yuki! Give me an opening alien boy!”

“We are many, of many genders, but yes, an opening you shall reception.”

The opening chords of an Enka ballad blasted from the speakers as bucolic scenes of the Hokkaido countryside projected across the side of the trailer. Asami braced herself for the opening words.

Yuki pressed her hands against her chest, “W-w-wait a minute, you’re really gonna sing about me!?”