Running

After a long journey, we had finally reached the home which I had felt estranged to. I left the carriage quickly, making my way as fast as I could to the room which had once been mine. Due to the speed I was going up, the creaking of the stairs sounded louder than ever before.

My steps felt far heavier than normal, as if I had eaten ten times my weight. I blew past my former owners’ room and Cordelia’s old room, trying to get to the place I had stayed in. I had one possession I needed. I had to get it. I can’t leave it here.

Entering the room, the odd stain on the roof seemed to have only grown in size. It was probably mold, but I didn’t have time to tell him about it. I had to hurry and find where I kept it. Seeing the books still kept on the ground, I made my way over to grab them so I would have them with me.

Upon lifting the books, a metal object fell and hit the ground, making a loud sound as it banged against the wood. Seeing the shining of the jewel, I realized it was what I was looking for. Lying down on my stomach, I clutched it in my hands, holding on to whatever warmth it could provide for me.

“I’m okay.” I spoke aloud with tears streaming down my eyes.

“I’m okay, I’m okay, I’m okay.” I repeated, trying to make the words true for me.

I picked up the books, the ring and whatever spare money I still had and got up from my prone position. I left the blanket and bedding behind as it did not belong to me. I slowly made my way down, trying to savour my time in the house for longer. But with each step, my time shortened and shortened as if I had been dying from a disease.

The dread that built up inside me was almost suffocating. It was as though my heart had stopped pumping blood around my body and instead chose to give in to despair. Finally reaching the stairs, I looked around at all the rooms.

Peering into Cordelia’s room, it was as though it had been abandoned. There was no sign that a person had ever lived in it before, that’s how well and thoroughly it had been cleared out. Would the room I stayed in all this time end up in the same way? The chill from this thought caused me to shiver and hold myself tightly.

I decided to stop looking at the rooms as I could no longer bear to do so. I made my way down the stairs, gripping the railing. I felt like I would go tumbling down the stairs even with my fixed ankle. The steps going downward felt heavier than they had been going up. The stairs wiggled and buckled in front of me under my weight.

While holding onto the railing, I tried stepping onto one of the stairs which I had seen, but I was unable to make contact with physical ground. Instead, the foot fell through the stair, almost causing me to fall over. The grip I had on the railing had saved me. It was then that I realized that my grip on the railing was as if I had been dead.

But in a way, the emotions I was feeling could not be described as anything but dead. In fact, I think that was the perfect description for it. I was dead.

I kept making my way down, finally able to see the people who had been the cause of this feeling. Their faces looked at me with pity, a pity I couldn’t stand to take from them. I averted my gaze from them, trying not to acknowledge what I had just seen.

I began marching my way out, but I was just as quickly stopped by the man. He stopped me and turned me to look at him in the face. His face had such kindness to it that it couldn’t be anything but pity.

The sickening thought that he was feeling sorry for me almost caused me to rip his hands off from my shoulders. I wanted to vomit after taking everything in. The only thing that kept me from blowing up was the feeling of the ring in my palm, and the promise it reminded me of.

“I need to see your information card.” He told me, the noise barely making it through my rage.

Reluctantly, I handed him the slip of paper detailing the basic details about me. Taking it, he went over to the table while I watched him. When he got to the table, he ripped it into pieces right in front of my eyes.

With this, it felt like he was kicking me while I was down. It wasn’t enough for them to take away my home, but they had also taken the small piece of paper that I could call my own as well. The sight and thought caused me to start grinding my teeth as though I was going to flatten them.

The woman handed the man something which caused him to walk towards me. Extending his arm out, he handed me a different slip of paper. I angrily took it from his hands and began reading it. The slip had been a new information card, the only change on it being the class had changed to “citizen” instead of “slave”.

“Also take this.” He said as he handed me two hundred fifty copper. “It’s not much, but it's all we can give now.”

My anger at them started fading after looking at the items, but this very anger was then diverted to me. How could I be so stupid? I knew they were kind. I knew that even if my injury had healed, they were still going to leave me out of their plan.

To have this kind of resentment for their kindness would be a betrayal to them. I told myself I would meet them with a smile no matter the outcome. I told myself all of this, so why did I feel so betrayed? I needed to meet them with a smile as I left. I have to.

I forced out a smile for them. The sight had caused them both to react with more worry than the one they had before. Seeing their faces shift like so, I could only resolve myself to run out of there as fast as I could.

I swiftly turned and dashed out of the home, the smile being the last thing I could give them. I kept sprinting and sprinting. I couldn’t tell them goodbye, I couldn’t tell them to be safe. I couldn’t do anything but run.

I could only take from them and run. That’s all I ever did. All I did was take and run. Nothing had changed at all. I might be stronger, I might know how to survive a bit more, and I might have made that mighty promise, but in the end all of it was just a bluff.

Without realizing it, I had already reached the garden. Seeing the garden only reminded me of the snow day I had with Cordelia in this same garden. We had so much fun in the sun, but the pain was so heavy when that sun was taken away.

I brought the ring in my hand in front of me. It’s shimmering green jewel was shining far brighter than the grass. Its clean gold only made the jewel look even nicer. The ring was the promise I had made so brazenly. This ring was the only thing that bound me so tightly to it.

I could sell this for quite a lot, right? This is a transparent magic crystal, not to mention the gold. I could make so much money that I wouldn’t even need to care anymore. I wouldn’t have to care about what happens to Flint and Allirea, I wouldn’t have to care about what happens to this Capital. There wouldn’t be some stupid oath I made with a child that binded me from freedom.

That’s right. This ring is the only item still binding me to the extravagant words and dreams I spoke of in that household. Getting rid of it would be perfect. It would help me so much. I’d make so much money with it.

I’ll have to run far away from here. That way I’ll never have to see Flint, Allirea or Cordelia again. That way I could keep running and then nothing would matter anymore. Hahahahahahahahaha! I just need to run. I need to ru…

I….need…..to….run? To do what? If I did that, I would just be doing what I always do right? I’d be running like usual. Running away from everything. Even on the day I died I was just running.

“Damn it! What’s so wrong with running! Why can’t I just run away! It’ll be easier than having to deal with everything else! I don’t want to suffer anymore!” I called aloud, getting the people around to gaze at me.

Those words had caused the promise I made with Cordelia to come back to me. I swore I would protect her parents. If I run away, it won’t stop the suffering. It’ll just cause more because of me. The person who gave me this ring was so kind. I can’t make her suffer for my accord. She placed all her hopes onto me.

While it felt like it could completely crush my spirit if I let it, this was all I had left. I was holding fancy books and an expensive ring on loan. I had clothes which weren’t mine. I had money which was given to me, and even this slip with my information was given to me.

None of it is mine. Nothing is mine except these hopes. If I abandoned them, would I really have anything left? The hopes which gave me such warmth, the hopes which allowed me to fall asleep at night. I can’t abandon them. They’re the only things I still have left now.

But how can I keep my promise if I can't even be around Flint and Allirea? How will I protect them when I’m so far from them? Seeing the odd stares still plastered on me, I began making my way back to the market while covering my face to avoid the attention.

Even my plan to use magic won’t work. I can’t muster enough magic power to use it in combat. I wish I had the power that Celestia did. With that kind of power, I could help everyone. Damn it! Where is she? I need her to help me.

She just ran off and didn’t even come meet me. If I could just ask her then she could solve all my problems. My magic is too weak to do anything related to combat with. The best I could do with my power was simply some menial tasks every day. How could I ever be useful like Celestia?

I’m completely useless like this. Whatever strength I had wouldn’t even matter. Any skilled assassin, or trained swordsmen, or even mage could easily take me out. They would see through my lack of training and cut out whatever conviction I had created for myself.

What about money? If I could somehow find a way to get them money, I can easily get them to run away from the revolution. With money they can just run with me. That way we can get far away and make a new life somewhere else. Somewhere away from all of this.

This type of running would be far different from cowardice. It could even be considered bravery. The bravery to run away when it mattered.

I need to help them, I have to. But how would I even make money? I don’t think there’s anything I can invest in that would instantly grow in value to help get me money. My magic is useless and with this amount of money I doubt I can even buy anything.

My ideas are all worthless. Almost as worthless as the coal from the cart that one man had! Wait! The coal! That’s it!