2.1 Men's Rights: Financial Crisis

“I don’t get any respect around here,” declared the Great Mage Kyros Magnus.

He put his tankard of ale down on the table and waited for a response. The human and the dwarf sitting before him nodded solemnly and took long sips from their own cups in solidarity. The dark elf took his cue from the dwarf and did the appropriate amount of nodding before downing his orange juice. The orc, on the other hand, was still staring in disbelief. He was not entirely sure of how he had come to share a table with the Great Mage, and the drink already in his system was making it difficult to recall all the details. He had a vague recollection of selling turtles in the market and chatting up a red-haired customer, and then, he was here.

Once he had been assured of the sympathy of his tablemates, the Great Mage looked at the bar, where the owner of the establishment was cleaning and rearranging the bottles. His table was the closest to the counter, and thus it was impossible for her to have not heard his whining.

“This city doesn’t respect me,” he wailed. His drinking buddies once again nodded. “And worst of all, I am not respected in my own home. Cami, are you listening?”

Camilla Oakridge, owner of the Gilded Horn, or Mrs. Oakridge, as she was more commonly known among the patrons, and second bestest friend of the Great Mage Kyros Magnus by his own admission fifteen years ago when they were fellow orphans running around the streets of Meridian together, turned around with a bottle of mead in one hand and a cleaning rag in the other.

“Kyros, I don’t have time for your nonsense,” she said. “I have to clean all these bottles.”

The orc gasped upon hearing this. Even the dark elf looked uncomfortable. Never in their lives had they heard of the Great Mage being shown such grave disrespect. The human and the dwarf, on the other hand, simply focused on their drinks, having been witness to this routine many times over the years.

“Cami, this is important.” The Great Mage waved his hand. “I’ll clean the bottles for you.”

“Kyros, NO…” But before Camilla could finish her sentence, the spell was done. The bottles were engulfed in a violet fog which disappeared just as quickly as it arrived, leaving behind a shelf full of shiny and spotless bottles, just as good as new.

“See, easy,” he said. “Come on, sit down. You can listen to my sorrows along with my buddies.”

He had barely finished speaking when they all heard a crackling sound, and seconds later, five bottles of alcohol in the racks exploded, spilling their expensive contents onto the floor.

“WHAT DID YOU DO, KYROS?” Camilla screamed.

The human and the dwarf did not even turn around. The dark elf looked unsure for a moment, but when he saw the dwarf’s calm expression, he went back to his juice. The orc started to panic upon witnessing the Great Mage’s magic, but the human calmed him down with another round of drinks and a pat on the back. The rest of the patrons looked at the counter in alarm, but soon lost interest when they realized that it was just an accident.

Two of the serving girls quickly came over and started cleaning the alcohol-soaked floor, all the while glaring murderously at the Great Mage.

“I told you not to do it,” Camilla yelled and threw her cleaning rag at the Great Mage. It landed on top of his red hair and sat there like an ill-used nightcap. “You always get it wrong when you are drunk. Why don’t you ever listen to me?”

Kyros hung his head in shame. “Sorry, Cami,” he whimpered. “I can clean up the mess in a second.”

“No. No. You are not doing anything else. Let the girls handle it. You are paying for those five bottles, though.”

“About that.” Kyros gave his friend a stupid smile. “I don’t have any money.”

“Then go and get it.”

“No. You don’t understand. I am broke.”

“Kyros, is this some sort of joke? If you are broke, go and ask your wife.”

“Cami, you are not listening,” he said. “Liri won’t give me any money. That’s what I was talking about. Let me tell you how badly I’ve been treated.”

Camilla let out a loud sigh. “Why do I have to be your therapist for the day, Kyros? Go and bother the Queen about it.”

Kyros drank another mouthful from his tankard. “Sera won’t listen,” he whined. “She said she was too busy. You are the only one I have left in this world, Cami.”

Just then, Camilla saw an extremely drunk half-elf kneeling and praying before the signed oil painting of the Great Mage Kyros Magnus at the other end of the room. His friends soon came over to pick him up and carry him off.

Before Camilla could reject Kyros again, the human at the table spoke up. “My lord, please tell us what happened. We will listen, even if Mrs. Oakridge won’t.”

The dwarf nodded supportively.

“Thank you, Thomas,” the Great Mage said. “You are my only true friend in the world.” Then he turned to the dwarf. “And you too, Master Stonebottom. You are my only friend. Where was I?”

“You were saying that Lady Magnus cut you off,” Thomas reminded him.

“But how is that possible, milord?” Master Stonebottom asked. “Everyone knows that you own half of everything your wife does.”

“That’s technically true. When we got married, Liri didn’t want the nobles looking down on me. So, she wanted us to own everything jointly. But I don’t have access to any of it. All I have is a monthly stipend.”

The dwarf shook his head. “Milord, that won’t do. You can’t be financially dependent on your wife. This is a serious issue. You need separate finances immediately.”

Thomas agreed. “My wife doesn’t give me the profits from her stall, and I don’t give her my pension. We only help each other out when needed or when our daughter wants something.”

The dark elf said nothing. He mostly agreed with the dwarf’s financially sensible logic.

The orc wasn’t sure what the big deal was. He gave all of his money to his mother, just like his father did. And when he got a wife in the future, he would give her all of his money as well. It was the same with everyone in the tribe. Even the chieftain let his wife handle the tribe’s finances.

“Master Stonebottom, you are getting it all wrong,” Camilla interjected. “Kyros had access to everything. He was the one who asked to be put on a stipend because he was constantly getting scammed and losing money.”

The Great Mage laughed out loud upon hearing this. “Cami, come on, be serious. Who would scam me? I am Kyros Magnus.”

“Pig Head Gang, when you gave them all of our sweets after they promised to double them in a week.”

“I was five at the time. And it worked out, didn’t it? You got the sweets back and stole some of theirs. So, it was technically doubled.”

“Or when the Queen convinced you that mages couldn’t get married and you came crying to me saying that you were going to die alone.”

“I was a teenager back then, okay? It was all the hormones. I got emotional for a moment there.”

“What about last year when you gave that con artist ten thousand crowns as ‘investment’?”

“Fine, fine, stop it. You made your point.”

Thomas and Master Stonebottom did not know what to say, so they remained silent and focused on their respective drinks. The dark elf, on the other hand, was drawn in by the entire scenario and wanted to know more details. “But, my lord, what happened to your stipend? How come you are broke now?”

The Great Mage’s eyes narrowed as he looked at the dark elf. “Eh… Who are you?” he asked. “I’ve never seen you before.”

“Apologies for not introducing him sooner, milord,” Master Stonebottom said. “This lad here is Valdek Moonshade. He just started working at our bank.”

Valdek stood up and bowed respectfully before the Great Mage.

“Moonshade… Moonshade,” Kyros pondered for a few seconds. “Isn’t there a minor noble house in Noxumbra by that name?”

“Aye,” said the dwarf. “This here is their youngest son. His father helped me out a bit when I was starting out, so it’s only right that I teach him a thing or two about the ways of the world.”

“Very good, excellent.” A very tipsy Kyros patted Valdek on the back. “I met your father once when I was a teenager. Me and my mentor Nix came to your estate, I think.”

“My father still remembers it fondly, my lord,” Valdek replied. “It was a great honor for us to host you and Archmage Shadowseer.”

“They grow so many pigs, you know,” Kyros said, addressing the others at the table. “Very tall, and very tasty. I went there with my mentor Nix.”

“Figs, my lord,” the dark elf corrected him.

“Yes, that thing.”

By now, Camilla had picked up another dishrag and was back at work, while keeping an ear on the conversation. “Don’t forget to answer the man, Kyros,” she said. “I am also curious about what happened to your stipend, and why you are not able to pay me.”

“Oh, stipend. Yeah, so, you all remember that orc tribe that came to Meridian a few weeks ago?”

Everyone looked at the orc at the table, who, suddenly sensing all the eyes on him, tried to make himself look as small as possible.

Kyros followed his companions’ gaze. “Hey, here is one of those guys. You are… Thokk, right?”

Thokk was already feeling incredibly self-conscious, and the Great Mage’s attention, combined with alcohol, was too much for him to bear. He froze up in fear and started crying. The men around the table looked at each other awkwardly, not entirely sure of what to do. None of them had dealt with a crying orc before.

“Uhh… Thokk, my boy, it’s alright,” Thomas said. “Don’t be scared. The Great Mage isn’t going to hurt you. Uhh… here, have some of my ale. It’s a bit on the strong side, but it might do you some good.”

Thokk picked up the tankard with both hands and took a big gulp. Once he had drunk enough to ease his anxiety, he put it down and said, “Thank,” to Thomas.

Thomas gently stroked his back. “You feeling alright, kid?”

“I feel alright. Sorry. Got emotional. I apologize.”

“It’s alright, lad,” Master Stonebottom said. “I guess this is your first time in the city?”

“Yes. I first time in city. I never been away from tribe before.” He suddenly remembered a grave oversight and turned to Kyros. “Great Mage,” he said. “I Thokk, son of Bork, from Skullsmasher tribe. No tribe member ever met Great Mage before. It great honor. I pay respect to Great Mage on behalf of tribe and chieftain.” After saying this, Thokk stood up, knelt down, and kowtowed before the Great Mage, like he would have done before the statue of an orc god.

Kyros immediately jumped up from his seat. “Thokk, get up, get up,” he said and pulled the orc up by the shoulders. “You don’t need to do that. I accept your respects. Come on, just sit down, and let’s have a drink.”

Camilla and the others at the table were not very surprised by this display. People praying to the Great Mage was a daily occurrence in Meridian. So it did not seem odd to anybody. Even the dark elf had heard of this and was more intrigued than astonished.

“Kyros, you were talking about your allowance,” Camilla reminded him.

“Ah, yes. My allow… stipend. Where was I? Oh, yeah. So, everyone has heard of the orc tribe…”

“Skullsmashers,” Thokk said.

“Yes, the Skullsmashers tribe.”

“And Headtakers.”

“Oh, they are here too?”

“Just few came along for trade, Great Mage,” Thokk replied.

“I see. You know, my wife knows their chieftain. They have a business deal. Nice guy. Very good at cards. Cleaned me out that one time. By the way, you guys know my wife? She is amazing. Her name is Liri, and she is so beautiful, you know.”

“Kyros, focus,” Camilla said. “What in the hells happened to your stipend?”

“Yes, yes, I am coming to that, Cami. So, you must have all heard about the Skulltakers selling turtles, right?”

“Yes, delicious little buggers,” Master Stonebottom opined. “My wife makes a wonderful goulash out of them. Valdek, my boy, you gotta come and try them at my place one of these days.”

The dark elf smiled politely.

Thomas shared his own experience with the turtles. “My wife bought a couple of them. Like Master Stonebottom said, very tasty. My daughter really liked them.”

Thokk felt a swell of pride as he heard his goods being praised. “Tribe sell only the best stock,” he said. “I personally catch most turtles.”

“WHAT ARE YOU ALL SAYING?!” the Great Mage suddenly cried out. He looked like he was in shock. “You ate them? How can you eat the turtles?”

“Well, that’s what they are for, milord,” Master Stonebottom replied.

“No, no, no. They are tiny, precious creatures. I can’t believe you all ate them. Cami, please tell me you haven’t had any.”

“No, Kyros. I haven’t eaten them.”

“Thank the gods.”

“But turtle soup was dish of the day two days ago,” Thomas said helpfully. “I think you weren’t here that day, my lord.”

“What?! Cami, you ate them?”

“I didn’t eat them, Kyros. I just… made the dish, that’s all. It’s very popular. What can I say?”

“I can’t believe this. The entire city has been eating these turtles? This is eggri…egg… This is terrible. This makes me all the more certain that I am on the right path.”

“What path is that, Kyros?”

The Great Mage looked at his second bestest friend, and then at his drinking buddies. And in the most solemn tone, he said:

“Turtle weddings.”

He let the revelation sink in before adding, “And now, weddings and rescue.”