2.2 Men's Rights: Oppression

Camilla burst out laughing. Even Thomas and Master Stonebottom cracked a smile. Valdek followed his boss's cue, and Thokk looked at everyone in surprise, not fully understanding what was going on.

Kyros quickly suppressed the small smile that made a brief appearance. "It's not funny. Stop laughing," he cried. "Cami, this is serious business."

"It is very funny, Kyros," Camilla said and laughed even harder. After she had managed to gain some semblance of control over herself and wiped the tears, she asked him, "So, this is what you have been spending all of your allowance on?"

"Yeah. You have no idea how much turtle weddings cost. There are a lot of expenses. First, all the brides and grooms need to be housed and fed. Then you need to make them tiny hats and ceremonial capes for the wedding. Of course, there is the matter of booking the venue, getting permits, going through all the red tape. It's exhausting. Oh, and can't forget about food for the wedding. We need human food and turtle food. And since it's wedding day, turtle food needs to be of premium quality. All of my allowance is gone, and I haven't even booked a venue yet. And did I tell you about the capes?"

Camilla laughed some more, and this time, the others joined her openly. Even Thokk laughed because everyone else was laughing.

"Where are you keeping the turtles, Kyros?" she asked. "Are they at the estate?"

"No. I didn't want to risk anyone finding out before all the planning was done. They are at the orphanage next to the market. The kids love feeding them."

"So, I guess you asked your wife for money when you ran out?"

Kyros nodded.

"What did Liri say?"

Everyone leaned in to listen properly. This was premium gossip.

"Well, at first I didn't tell her about the turtles. I said that I needed more money for my expenses. She didn't believe me, you know. She told me that without exact details and voices, she won't give me any extra money."

"Voices? Do you mean invoices?"

"Yes, that. Then I told her I wanted to buy some turtles. I didn't tell her about the weddings. I know that if I had told her about that my chances would have been zero. But she refused to even let me buy them." Kyros paused for a moment and his eyes widened as if he had a sudden realization. "After hearing you all talking about eating the turtles, I think Liri might have assumed that I wanted to buy and eat them. Hmm..."

"So what's your next move?" Camilla asked her friend.

"There is no next move. After Liri refused me, I asked Aunty Mabel. But that busybody Barnabas convinced her not to give me any money."

"My lord, who are Aunty Mabel and Barnabas?" the dark elf enquired.

"Aunty Mabel is the head maid at Magnus Estate," Camilla said.

"And Barnabas Ironhammer is Lady Liriel's senior-most secretary," Master Stonebottom told his protégé. "Very smart dwarf. I'll introduce you to him one of these days. You can learn a lot from him."

Valdek nodded.

Meanwhile, Kyros continued his tirade. "The old dwarf has never forgiven me for shaving his beard. He looked so smug when Aunty Mabel told me that she couldn't give me any money. And then I asked the maids. Liri has banned them from giving me money, but she doesn't know that they had already helped me out with the hats and capes before the ban. Now, I guess there is no point to any of it. I don't have any money. All I have are some tiny hats and lots of turtles to feed."

"And my tab to pay," Camilla reminded him.

Kyros looked at her sadly.

Camilla placed the bottle she was just cleaning back on the shelf and put down the dishrag. "Alright, boys," she said. "I need to go and check some of the stock in the basement. Get home safely once you are done. And Kyros, bring money next time. Remember that all these guys are drinking on your tab today. If you don't bring any money, I'll make you clean the plates." Before Kyros could say anything, she added, "No. Not with magic." And then Camilla was gone.

By now, everyone at the table had been drinking for quite some time, and they were all (except Valdek with his orange juice) reasonably drunk. The loss of Camilla's grounded voice only led to the drunkards losing more of their inhibitions and granted them freedom from pesky little things such as logic and truth.

Thomas put his tankard down quite forcefully, startling everybody. "My lord," he said. "This is unacceptable."

Everyone looked at him curiously.

"What's unacceptable, Thomas?" Kyros asked.

"You being treated like this. You are the Great Mage. The most powerful being in existence, ever."

"And the most handsome, don't forget that," Kyros added. "My wife says that I am very handsome, and I agree with her. Hey, by the way, do you guys know my wife? Her name is Liriel. She is the best ever. You know—"

"MY LORD," Thomas cried out. "Sorry for interrupting you, my lord, but I have to get this off my chest."

"Oh, okay! Go ahead, Thomas."

"Thank you, my lord. As I was saying earlier, you are the most powerful... thing ever, but you are treated like a misbehaving child. You are not allowed to use your own money. You are not allowed to work on your hobbies. You are not even allowed to drink in peace. There is no other way to say it, my lord. You are oppressed."

"I am?"

Thomas looked at Master Stonebottom for support.

"Yes. I agree," the dwarf said. "All classic signs of oppression." He then looked at Valdek.

Valdek had his doubts about this definition of oppression, but he did not want to contradict the drunk Great Mage and his even more drunk boss. He simply nodded.

Thokk also nodded because everyone else was nodding.

"I am really oppressed?" Kyros did not seem fully convinced.

"My lord, you are," Thomas replied. "Trust me, I know what I am talking about. Because I am also oppressed."

This was news to Kyros. He had never considered Thomas to be oppressed. Thomas usually spent his time at the tavern, playing cards and chatting people up, and he generally seemed happy. But now that Thomas himself had confirmed that he was oppressed, Kyros was concerned.

"Are you alright, Thomas?" he asked. "I am sorry. I didn't know things were this serious. Do you think it's permanent? How did it reach this stage?"

"My lord, I'll tell you." Thomas looked around the table. "You all know that I am a veteran of the Lich War." The dwarf nodded. The dark elf and the orc did not know this, but they too nodded to seem polite. "I am a godsdamned war hero who lost a finger to a zombie." He held up his left hand, whose pinky was missing.

Valdek recoiled upon seeing the wound. This was his first time seeing anything more than a paper cut. Thokk leaned in curiously. He had seen much worse among the hunters of his tribe.

"You are a war hero, Thomas?" Kyros looked at his drinking buddy in awe. "Thank you for your service. You must have gone through a lot in the war."

"I did, my lord. But you were also there."

"I was?!"

"Yes, you were our commander, and you defeated the ancient Lich Lord Ver...Ver... Worm... something."

"Vermithrex," Valdek said.

"Vermithrex..." Kyros tried to remember. "Ahh... Vermi... that guy. I remember now. Pretty gnarly fellow. Killed a lot of people. Hate that guy. But his magic was pretty pathetic though, too easy."

"The world was saved because of you, my lord, and because of brave veterans like myself."

"Yes, exactly. We saved the world," Kyros said.

Everyone nodded again, picked up their respective tankards, and took big mouthfuls.

Thomas was not done. "So, when the war is over, and we come back, are things better for us?" He looked at his audience.

"No?" Kyros ventured forth cautiously.

"No. Things are not better. We get a pension, true. But what about back home? Does it stop our wives from nagging at us to get a job and threatening to divorce us if we don't?"

"No," Kyros said loudly.

"No," said the others.

"Wait, you get a pension? Nobody told me about a pension."

"That is it, my lord. You are oppressed."

"Oh my Gods! I am oppressed. Master Stonebottom, Valdek, Thokk, I am oppressed."

All three nodded along solemnly. Thokk especially was distraught to learn that the Great Mage was oppressed.

"It's a sad state of affairs," Master Stonebottom observed, "when a dwarf"—he looked at Kyros and Thomas—"or man, can't get any respect in his own home. It's especially true when you are dealing with kids. This new generation, milord, has no respect for their elders. Take my daughter, for example. The girl is obsessed with a singer. A SINGER!! CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT?! A SINGER!"

When the rest of the patrons started looking their way, Kyros and Thomas urged Master Stonebottom to calm down by drinking more ale.

Even though Master Stonebottom's anger was momentarily soothed with alcohol, his tirade had not finished. "I ask you all, is singing a respectable profession for anyone? I look around this table, and I see three... two bankers, a soldier, a merchant, and..." Master Stonebottom stared at Kyros for a moment but couldn't figure out what he was supposed to be. "And... you, milord. You are all men of the world, and I ask you, is there any money to be made in singing? He is not good enough to get patronage from the court or some fancy noble, and he thinks he is too good to sing at taverns. All he does is gather other worthless bums together and call it a band. Tell me, milord, am I wrong about this?"

Kyros assured Master Stonebottom that he was indeed completely correct. Following the Great Mage's lead, the rest also agreed that this was the case.

"I don't even care that he is a half-elf," Master Stonebottom continued. "I ain't one of these traditional dwarves who think dwarves should only marry other elves."

"Dwarves, Master Stonebottom," Valdek corrected him.

"What? What about dwarves?"

"Eh! Nothing Master Stonebottom, please continue," Valdek said.

"Strange kid. Anyway, as I was saying, he needs to be able to take care of my daughter. Can you survive on love? Can you eat it? Does it put your children through school? Does it pay for your medicine? I explained this to her so many times, and the girl just doesn't listen. And my wife, my wife thinks I should let her make her own decisions. What good is making your own decisions if you end up on the streets with nothing to your name?"

"I agree with you completely, Master Stonebottom," Kyros said. "As someone who understands the value of money, if I had a daughter, I would not let her date a singer." He looked around the table at his drinking buddies. "I have to be honest with you all," he said. "I did not expect things to be this bad. It's not just me and Thomas; even Master Stonebottom is being oppressed by his daughter and his wife."

"And singers," Master Stonebottom added.

"Yes, and singers. It's all very alarming. I think we deserve a little more ale. Let me get a few more bottles."

Kyros had barely finished speaking when bottles of alcohol floated over to the table from the shelves, and the Great Mage urged his buddies to help themselves to their contents. There was even a bottle of apple juice for the dark elf.

The serving girls saw this blatant theft, but none of them said anything. They simply followed the established protocol and recorded it all under the Great Mage's tab.

Once all the new stuff was added to the tankards, Kyros continued. "Is anyone else being oppressed? Valdek, what about you?"

The dark elf thought for a moment. His father was a bit strict, but he would not call him oppressive. Other than that, Valdek had led an easy and pampered life. Even though he wished that he had been oppressed so that he could fit in, he couldn't come up with anything. "No, sorry, my lord. I don't think I am," he said. "I am not married, and I don't have a girlfriend. My parents are also pretty nice."

"I see. Good for you, Valdek." Kyros patted the dark elf on the back, but he sounded disappointed. Thomas and Master Stonebottom also looked dissatisfied with not having another victim at the table. Even Valdek felt that he had let everyone down.

Thokk suddenly raised his hand. "Great Mage, I oppressed," he said.