The Senpai Effect

From the inside of the mind of Hagesh Malumaru, alien communicator (translated from the original Lincos):

hagesh
yo @c0c0c0 i've been getting kind of a vibe around here like my classmates don’t like jajanshu

c0c0c0
why do you like jajanshu? you gay? lmao

hagesh
yeah for him totally. looks like a pretty girl can deal with the pp

d0d0d0
screenshotted

hagesh
just check the vibe man

c0c0c0
aight bruh
…
…
…
Vibe check results
Subject: Jajanshu Mamanpade
Sample: IX-A students
Favourable opinion: 22%
Unfavourable opinion: 48%
Undecided: 30%

hagesh
give me the gender breakdown

c0c0c0
nah don't feel like it

hagesh
ur a mole hair

c0c0c0
Vibe check results
Subject: Umito Dishahara
Sample: IX-A students | Subclass: Females
Favourable opinion: 90%
Unfavourable opinion: 0%
Undecided: 10%

Vibe check results
Subject: Hagesh Malumaru
Sample: IX-A students | Subclass: Females
Favourable opinion: 0%
Unfavourable opinion: 100%
Undecided: 0%

hagesh
lying alien scum

a0a0a0
lol triggered

f0f0f0
stop spamming the chat

hagesh
i don't want anyone shorter than me to leave the school cause he got bullied or something like that. i stood second in line today after such a long time. feels gud man. i'm gonna take care of this little guy no matter how weird or annoying he is. as long as he doesn't grow taller than me

c0c0c0
ur still bald. give up hope. embrace celibacy. can't be an incel if it's voluntary

hagesh
hey! tan just said something interesting. jitsu's got a new friend

f0f0f0
no one cares

hagesh
wait, jajanshu said it's a girl

d0d0d0
wut? how?

hagesh
dunno
first time i'm hearing it

a0a0a0
stream it friendo

hagesh's livestream
Jajanshu: Hahaha you’re funny, Umito. What kind of a boy looks like a girl? And boys don’t have boobies, right?

hagesh
it's confirmed boys

d0d0d0
ball bearings
oh man this is spicy gossip

hagesh
gotta nip this shizz in the bud. brb

hagesh's livestream
Hagesh: Gentlemen, I ask you: How shall we punish Jitsu Satanetra for his crimes?

Puna: Let's not skip the trial and fast forward to the sentencing.

Hagesh: What else do we have to know? Tie him to a big rock and let the gulls eat his liver.

Jajanshu: Guys, what are you—

Umito: Jajanshu, I'll explain this stuff later. It's very complicated. This takes priority over everything so we have to discuss it right now. Just tell me one thing. What did the girl look like? Tall/short, ugly/pretty, thin/fat, that sort of thing.

Jajanshu: She was a little taller than me and a little fatter than me but I think she looked very pretty almost like Yamukawa, Chi Man's second girlfriend, and oh, she was wearing a sports uniform.

Ashukami: Oh, Master, save my friend from lustful corruption. He is no saint but, being hard of sight, I never thought that he would fall prey to the temptations of the female physique. Thus, I never included his name in my prayers for my friends regarding this subject. Please, forgive me as well.

Puna: You pray on our behalf too?

Ashukami: Every day.

Umito: Tan, you must have seen the girl a little bit at least.

Tan: I… I only caught a glimpse, like I said. I don't think it's right to interfere in other people’s—

Hagesh: Sing like a canary, choir boy.

Tan: I'm sorry. I just couldn't see enough. I only saw her face from the side but I can't give you a name. I haven't seen her before.

Hagesh: Means she's not in our batch.

Umito: Did she look younger or older than us?

Tan: Um… If I had to guess… I'd say younger.

Ashukami: [Audible gasp]

Umito: I never thought he'd stoop so low.

Hagesh: All is lost.

Jajanshu: What? Why are you guys sad?

Hagesh: Jajanshu, my dear friend, do you know about The Senpai Effect?

Jajanshu: What's that?

Hagesh: It hasn't been proven scientifically yet but it's an effect I've observed quite often in the last one year or so. To understand it, first think about what a girl wants from her boyfriend. You might think of a few points of interest like, ya know, a great body, a handsome face, a nice sense of humour, etc. And yes, they're after these sorts of things but what they crave more than anything else is seniority. Girls love senpais. For a girl, even the best-looking guy in the same class as her will pale in comparison to an average-looking senior.

Jajanshu: Really? That's how you get a girlfriend? Cool! But no thank you I don't want one because Papa says I'm too young and I should wait until I'm eighteen years old.

Hagesh: I think your father has given you good advice.

Jajanshu: My Papa always gives the best advice!

Hagesh: But the Senpai Effect should not be taken as advice by anyone.

Jajanshu: Really? I thought you guys would use this to get girlfriends. Don't you have girlfriends?

c0c0c0
hahaha rekt. this jajanshu guy isn't as stupid as i thought he was

aeaeae
just tuned in but rip

hagesh
shut up lemme concentrate

hagesh's livestream
Hagesh: What kind of a self-respecting man goes after a younger girl? At best, this junior Jitsu is pursuing is thirteen years old. Who dates a thirteen-year-old?

Puna: It's only a year's difference, to be fair. And many people in our class, including many of the girls, are thirteen.

Jajanshu: I'm thirteen years old too. I'll turn fourteen on 17th May. I've never had a birthday party before but Papa says I can have one this year. You guys are all invited, except you [pointing to Tan].

Umito: Gentlemen, we're losing precious time here. If Jitsu is meeting this mystery girl at this very moment then we should go search for him.

Puna: I don't think that'll be any help. Jitsu is a smart guy. He won't just go to her classroom. He'll probably be meeting her somewhere else and we don't have enough time to search the entirety of the school premises.

Hagesh: How do we find out who this girl is then?

Umito: Wait. We can actually take advantage of the fact that he's not in her classroom.

Puna: How so?

Umito: We just go to all four VIII-standard sections and ask around if someone's seen a blond guy wearing sunglasses roaming around. Even if he's not in her classroom right now, he must have visited it at some point of time. I bet someone will know him by name too, seeing how he's the principal's grandson.

Jajanshu: What! Jitsu is Madam Principal's grandson?!

Hagesh: Yeah. I thought that when I said his surname it gave it away.

Puna: Lots of people have the same surname but aren't related. And you're an example of that, dum-dum. Chakrano isn't your estranged brother or something, is he?

Hagesh: I don't look anything like that ugly clay ball. I've got abs. He doesn't. On the other hand, Madam Principal and Jitsu look extremely alike. Both have golden hair and both wear sunglasses because they can't see too good.

Umito: You're bald, Hagesh. I admit that Chakrano's let himself go a little since he fell into his depression but he still looks better.

Jajanshu: I'm sorry! I can't help you guys. I… I have to stop you! I'm sorry we can't be friends. Madam Principal has been so kind to me and Papa. I can't stop him from getting a girlfriend.

d0d0d0
wut you gonna do now?

aeaeae
he's totally turned on you
how're you gonna keep him happy

hagesh
watch and learn noobs

hagesh's livestream
Hagesh: You misunderstand, Jajanshu, my dearest friend. We aren't doing anything to hurt him. It's only for his own good. Do you think Madam Principal would want to see – I mean hear about – her beloved grandson's grades falling to oblivion because he's been having fun with a junior? This is one of the most prestigious schools in the country. And it hasn't achieved this reputation because its students get involved in romance. It's because the students here are exceptional at academics, sports, music, debating, you name it. What will it look like if the principal's own grandson is a good-for-nothing philanderer? You might not know about it, but it's a dirty secret that Jitsu is a bastard. His mother was a party girl and she brought great shame to her family. What will happen to the honour of the Satanetra family if Jitsu repeats the same mistakes? He's a smart guy and, out of all of us, unfortunately, he looks the most handsome. For sure, he'll be a top contender for Head Boy two years down the line. We want the best for him too. We love him dearly as a brother. But love has to be tough sometimes.

Jajanshu: Are you sure you are doing this because you want to be a good friend and not because he can get a girlfriend and you can't?

c0c0c0
ohhhhh!!!!!

d0d0d0
burn!

aeaeae
lmao can't recover from this

hagesh's livestream
Hagesh: Obviously, it's because I'm a good friend. And I can get a girlfriend. I just choose not to.

Umito: All that stuff you say about aliens is a hundred times more believable than you getting a girlfriend.

Hagesh: Talk to me when you have one.

Umito: I did! You— Rat whiskers! Not now, OK? Not now!

Hagesh: Alright, alright! Don't lose your gun in the jungle.

Umito: What?

Hagesh: What? Oh, that's another premonition. Keep your gun safe if you ever find yourself in a jungle… with a gun, I guess.

hagesh
@a0a0a0 stop hacking my speech

a0a0a0
he needs to hear it

hagesh
right now?

a0a0a0
lol no. but it seemed funny to do it now

hagesh's livestream
Jajanshu: OK. I believe you. But what did you say about aliens? I think aliens are cool. Chi Man had an alien friend and he gave Chi Man a laser gun that Chi Man put inside his nose…

d0d0d0
I think we should have accessed Jajanshu's brain instead

c0c0c0
yeah prolly woulda been more appreciative of us

hagesh
please leave
i don't want you to stay

aeaeae
awww… lil baby's angry
want a pacifier?

hagesh
shut up shut up shut up

hagesh's livestream
Hagesh: The aliens are my guṇa, Jajanshu. I suddenly went bald about two years ago and I started receiving cross-dimensional EM waves inside my head. Aliens have hacked my brain. At first I couldn't understand them but they quickly installed the Lincos language package in my temporal lobe and then I could communicate with them. There are many of them and they sometimes do favours for me if I ask them nicely. Sometimes they hack my speech and tell other people something about the future like just now with Umito.

Jajanshu: Cool! What are the aliens like?

Hagesh: Hold up. You believe me?

Jajanshu: Yeah. Aliens are so awesome. I believe you thiiiiiis much.

a0a0a0
oh boy he goin to cry

c0c0c0
here come the waterworks…

hagesh's livestream
Hagesh: [crying profusely] Finally. Someone listened to me. I love you, Jajanshu. You're my best friend, Jajanshu.

Jajanshu: Ah… Thanks! But what are the aliens like?

Hagesh: [still crying] Puna! He believes me!

Umito: Nobody cares about your fake aliens, Hagesh.

Hagesh: They're not fake! He believes me!

Jajanshu: Yeah, Umito. That's not very nice.

Ashukami: Whatever the veracity of brother Hagesh's claims about these fantastical extraterrestrials may be – although we have never seen any compelling evidence in his favour – we must right now focus our attention on saving brother Jitsu from the greatest corruption of all.

Hagesh: Evidence?! You're asking for evidence? What evidence is there for your God?

Ashukami: The big GnT needs no evidence, only faith. And faith is the strongest—

Umito: Yeah, yeah. Whatever.

Hagesh: Jajanshu, the aliens – they don't have names. They differentiate themselves by colours. And the ones who're in my head are all shades of grey. It's like a chat room inside my head. I've asked them where they're from and what they're like but they don't tell me. And—

Puna: Drain hair!

[All quiet down]

Puna: Look, you made me swear again, when I swore not to. Which reminds me, we're on for tonight, right, Ashukami?

Ashukami: Yes.

Puna: Thanks. You're coming too, Umito.

Umito: What? Where?

Puna: I'll tell you later. But let's get back on topic. Jitsu Satanetra.

Jajanshu: [raises hand]

Puna: Yes, Jajanshu?

Jajanshu: What is Jitsu's guṇa?

Puna: Once a week, he can ask one person a yes-or-no question and he can tell whether that person has answered the question truthfully or not. But he also gets really bad diarrhoea when he uses his guṇa.

Jajanshu: Ew. Gross.

Umito: Diarrhoea… he he. Wait! Diarrhoea!

Puna: What about diarrhoea?

Umito: I saw Jitsu coming out of the toilet this morning.

Ashukami: Hmm… So, we can only assume that he used his guṇa on this female friend of his and then had to use the facilities. If we take the difference between the time brother Tan reached the courtyard and the time brother Umito went to urinate this morning, it's just about enough of a duration for one to relieve oneself of solid waste.

Hagesh: Liquid. Loose motions are watery, remember?

a0a0a0
genius observation

c0c0c0
truly a renaissance man

hagesh's livestream
Umito: We don't have any more time to lose then. We only have fifteen minutes of recess left and it'll take two or three minutes at least to reach the middle school block. Let's get moving.

Hagesh: Yes. Let's.

Jajanshu: Wait. I haven't finished my tiffin.

Umito: How about you stay here, Jajanshu? Make a few more friends. We'll come back in a little while.

Jajanshu: That sounds like a good idea.

Umito: Great.

[All except Jajanshu get up.]

Tan: Why are all of us going?

Puna: Great point.

Umito: Yeah, I guess it'll be weird if all of us go.

Hagesh: I'll go.

Ashukami: We are placing our trust in you, brother Hagesh. Do not let us down.

Hagesh: Relax, dude. And oh, if Jitsu comes back while I'm out, Jajanshu, don't say anything to him about this, alright?

Jajanshu: Alright.

Hagesh: I'm off.

[Hagesh goes out of the classroom.]

c0c0c0
@d0d0d0 fast forward this stuff
i don't want to see him walk for three minutes

hagesh
will you guys ever let me enjoy the mundane moments of my life? you'll skip through half my life like this. i won't ever come up with any good ideas because i don't have any time to think. please stop doing this

c0c0c0
cope, virgin

hagesh
nooooo! don't do it!

d0d0d0
Speed perception tool
Subject: Hagesh Malumaru
Value: 400%
…
…

c0c0c0
and we're there
now wasn't that cool?

hagesh
i hate all of you

hagesh's livestream
[Hagesh reaches the VIII-class corridor and is just looking around when he comes across Rushil, the gossip king of IX-A. Both stop when they see each other.]

Hagesh: What are you doing here?

Rushil: What are you doing here?

Hagesh: You were here first. You should tell me first too.

Rushil: What kind of logic is that?

Hagesh: I was just… looking for someone.

Rushil: Me too.

Hagesh: Might we be looking for the same person by chance?

Rushil: Maybe. Maybe not.

Hagesh: Uh… why are we doing this? I'm not Umito, alright? I don't care how much you spread this around. I'm looking for Jitsu. Or someone who's seen Jitsu around here. Have you seen Jitsu around here?

Rushil: Thanks for being honest. To answer your question, I haven't seen him. But I've heard some things that might be of interest to you.

Hagesh: What?

Rushil: What will I get in return for this information?

Hagesh: A roundhouse kick to your face is what you'll get if you don't give it to me. It can't get uglier anyways.

Rushil: Your foot can't even reach my shoulders, shorty. Besides, no matter how much you work out, you'll still be a tiny bean I can crush any time.

Hagesh: Can we do this gangster role-play thing some other time? Recess is gonna end soon. What's gonna be your gangster nickname anyways? Fat… fat… Rushil?

Rushil: You have such a way with words. You should be the poet laureate.

Hagesh: You… you…

Rushil: Don't bother. Your best friend Umito is much better when it comes to comebacks.

Hagesh: Umito isn't my best friend… anymore.

Rushil: [smiles] I know.

c0c0c0
damn i hate this guy

d0d0d0
yeah even if he puts down hagesh
his attitude just doesn't sit right man

hagesh
then do something about it

aeaeae
you have to fight your own battles

a0a0a0
if we interfere too much then the spacetime continuum will break

hagesh
will it now?

a0a0a0
sike no
just like to see you suffer

hagesh's livestream
Rushil: It's easy to win conversations with you, Hagesh. And for the pleasure you've given me by losing this one, I'll tell you the information I've gathered. For free. Just this once.

Hagesh: Are all conversations just battles to you?

Rushil: Not just to me. To everyone. I'm honest enough to admit it. Anyways, I came here looking for a junior of ours called Aina Pare, who's on the volleyball team with Pushpako, whose birthday is coming up.

c0c0c0
who's pushpako?

hagesh
the girl who sits next to him

hagesh's livestream
Rushil: I wanted Aina to write a message in the birthday card I'm preparing for Pushpako.

d0d0d0
is pushpako his gf or something?

a0a0a0
this guy has a girlfriend?

hagesh
no she's not his girlfriend. he's just a simp

a0a0a0
oh that makes a lot more sense

hagesh's livestream
Rushil: But Aina's not here. You know where she is right now?

Hagesh: With Jitsu?

Rushil: Correct. Wanna know how I know?

Hagesh: How?

Rushil: I talked to a friend of mine from the photography club. He's a truly dutiful junior, and he tells me, his respected senior, that Ms Aina is quite popular in her class. But she's never had a boyfriend. Countless men have confessed their love to her but she's rejected all of them. Yet today, a senior, Jitsu Satanetra to be precise, came to visit her in her class and they went out, talking to each other.

Hagesh: I see. The Senpai Effect is strong with this one…

Rushil: Indeed.

Hagesh: Thank you, Rushil.

Rushil: The pleasure's mine.