Densetsu Kenshi: Beginnings
Hours passed and the sun dipped under its covers and my world was welcomed with darkness. I was still in the same spot on the floor under the window in the front room. Although my physical tears had dried up long ago, the flood of anguish in my heart was still flowing strong.
Alone in this building. This building that housed so may complicated emotions, but never felt like a home. If home was where the heart is, then this place truly was empty and never a home.
I loved my father, but he left. My mother loved my brother, but he died. Did my mother really love me? It's too late to ask now. Questions without answers are just thoughts, and thoughts are just whims that come and go. They'll show up, and you dwell on it for a bit, and then you get distracted and you never think about it again. In this life where growth and progression is key, there really are a lot of things that pass you up and leave you behind. Without a second glance.
With that being said, it was clear that at this moment, I was rooted in a mire of depression and anger. A mire so deep and thick that I couldn't move or grow or change at all. All I could do was sit and think about everything that I was missing out on. Sit and think about all the opportunities to be happy that were passing me up.
I don't need to explain the depression, but the anger was surprisingly strong. After all this time, after all the experiences I had with the people closest to me, nobody reached out to me. Mitsuki, Maekawa-sensei, Takenaka, Shoko-- not a single one tried to comfort me. I was completely and utterly alone.
People may argue that after a traumatic event, some alone time is necessary in order to heal. Although that may be true in many situations, I believe that in the precise moment that a person admits they need time to be alone, is the exact moment for loved ones, friends and family to reach out to that person.
To me, it only makes sense.
That alone time is supposed to be one of grieving, understanding, and acceptance. But, it can turn the other way in the blink of an eye. It can easily become a negative experience.
An experience where you don't overcome your sorrow, but push it down and hide it.
An experience where you failed to understand, and then became angry and blamed others for what happened.
An experience where you never accept the situation, and you lie to yourself and become emotionally unstable sitting upon a foundation of lies, anger, and excuses.
I understand that not every situation or period of grief is the same, but these seem to be all too common reactions. Common reactions that are justified by one's own thought process, but to others appear self-destructive and pitiful.
For that reason I believe that a support system in life is absolutely necessary. Whether it be your family, club members, co-workers or your trusty group of friends, more often than not, they'll be able to help you.
The "how" and "why" are pretty clear, aren't they? If not, I'll take my time to explain.
The consequences of an action aren't unilaterally applied to you and only you. Often times others are affected by another person's decision. Based on the people affected, they may feel different emotions. I guarantee that two people won't feel the exact same thing from the same resulting action. One person may feel like they just got scammed and another could feel extremely happy. Their different feelings are extremely important in the example, but the key is that they experienced the same thing, but came out of it with different experiences.
In the end its all subjective, but the truth is that people with shared experiences have a higher chance to relate well with each other. I realize I've been rambling for a while now, but given my state of mind, it all makes sense. You and I might just learn something from all these thoughts I'm feeling. Back to the topic of getting along with others, if I had to sum it up.
In a family there's a million things that everyone experiences together as they grow up and get older.
In a club at school, everyone chose to be a member because they all enjoy the same thing.
At work, people from all over are able to get together and work toward a common goal because they share the same knowledge, passion, and commitment.
A group of friends consistently get together because of the pleasant and fun atmosphere that they can only enjoy when everyone's present.
These groups of people and experiences aren't available to everyone, but as long as one person has a passion, a desire to belong, or finds joy in any little thing, there will always be people waiting to accept them with open arms.
To learn together.
To struggle together.
To rejoice together.
To cry together.
To grow together.
To comfort each other when the going gets tough and the finish line is far out of sight.
I admit that this isn't something that I always knew, but now that I know, I feel like I should share it with everyone.
With all that being said, I probably won't, because right now I just need some alone time.
My blissless alone time was unexpectedly interrupted by a giant rock crashing through the window behind me.
Time seemed to slow down as the shards of glass flew across the room. The sunlight poured in the room, the pieces of glass refracting the light and basking the room in a rainbow of colors.
Woah... so... so pretty...
I momentarily let my guard down and observed all the pretty lights.
A scuffling sound outside brought me back to my senses. Just in time, too.
A shadowy figure leapt through the window and pulled a sword on me.
My reflexes kicked in and I grabbed my new sword and blocked the assailant's attack.
"hehehe!" They giggled.
"Who are you!?"
"direct message: k."
My body stiffened up and I was unable to move. Unlike when the shards of glass were frozen in the air, this attack froze all of my movements. I felt like I had been completely rejected by such a subtle yet powerfully indifferent response.
My home invader hostage taker assailant stepped into the light and out of the shadows, revealing their identity.
"Yo. Izumi-chan. What're you doing?"
I asked her straight up. No need to beat around the bush. This turn of events was thoroughly unexpected. If anything, I'd imagined that Mitsuki would stop by to comfort me and maybe bring some homemade cookies. But, no. Izumi-chan from Thermo Corp. was inside my house. Maybe she showed up at this time to take me out while I'm down in the dumps. I have no idea why she was ordered to hunt me down like this, but now that I do know she tried to kill me once, would I ever be able to trust her?
"Um, Izumi-chan. Can you stop looking at my family photos and scrapbooks and answer my question. Please?"
Her attention seemed to be quite strained at the moment.
"oh? ur not wearing clothes in this pic. how provocative!"
"That's me as a baby."
"And answer me already! What're you doing here!"
"wdym? i came to visit u."
"Visit me? Are we friends?"
"um, idk? i have seen u naked... and i did say u were cute..."
"That's a baby photo! And what does me being cute have to do with anything??"
"if u saw a cute boy wouldn't u follow him home?"
"What? No! If I saw a cute boy I'd put a bag over his head so all the girls wouldn't see his face and they'd look at me instead!"
"hehehehehe! ur cute and funny!"
"And you're extremely brave! Trespassing and talking to me like this! I'm just another assignment at work for you! Are you gonna kill me, huh? Tell me! I'm ready for it, I'm a dead man walking, there's nothing holding me back..."
"that is why i came here..."
"Really? Then do it! Finish it and collect your paycheck for all I care!"
"Why not!? I'm practically begging you at this point!"
At the pressure of her constant refusal, I got on my knees and thrust my head to the floor.
"Please! Just do it!" I begged.
"no. don't u get it?"
"Get what?? I don't have anything!"
"i didn't come here to kill u. i came here to help u out."
"Help...? Help me out? Th-there's nothing wrong with me!" I shouted defiantly.
"u saying that only makes it more #obvious. don't look at me like that. let me ask u, is it really possible for nothing to be wrong with the person that's responsible for the deaths of their brother and mother?"
"umm how do i put it? u aren't but u are?"
"ur not a responsible person. u let two people close to you die. and like, bc of that ur responsible for their deaths."
"idk! don't ask me bruv. i'm just here to help u get back on ur feet."
"But you're being so mean about it all..."
"oh well, ur just being a vulnerable lil baby. that's how i see all this. i've only said the truth, after all."
"The truth? Yeah, I mean I guess you're right."
"so, Seijiii-kun, can u accept the truth?"
I got off the floor and looked her in the eye. I wiped away the stream of tears on my face and replied.
"Yeah, yeah I can accept it."
"great! now that ur able to, will u accept the truth?"
"Will I? What's the difference between this question and the last one?"
"umm, like, 'can' is super passive and means that ur able to accept it, but like, 'will' is strong and means that u actually will accept the truth? u know, put some talk in ur walk, right?"
"Walk the talk, but I get what you mean now. You need to do a better job at communicating you know. I understand you but some people might get confused. Anyway. I will accept it. I don't really have any other options. I'll accept it."
"dope! ignoring that rude stuff u said, now that u accepted what happened, what r u gonna do about it?"
"I'll move on. I'll move on and live without ever looking back."
"bzzzzzzzz, wrong answer!"
"What!? It's up to me! What I want to do isn't defined as right or wrong!"
"u have a point, but it's not very sharp. don't u think it'd be wise to learn from this? like, were the lives of ur brother and mother so insignificant that u won't ever look back and remember them?"
"W-well, uh, I..."
"didn't it hurt u to see them like that? what are u gonna do if it happens again? what about that girl? what about ur sensei? what about u, Seijiii-kun? do u really want to stay vulnerable like this and let the world pick on u by taking away the ones u love?"
"Yes, n-no. That's the last thing I want."
"so what r u gonna do about it?"
"I'll keep them with me, at my side. A-and when the time comes, I-I'll put myself forward to protect them. No matter the consequence."
"that's brave of u, Seijiii-kun."
"Can I add you as one of those people that I need to protect?"
"me? ur making me blush, Seijiii-kun..."
"I think it's necessary to protect people like you. Good natured people that go out of their way to help others."
"wow. u really think all that about me? i-i mean, i guess it's okay then."
"You did come here out of your own free will, right?" I pressured.
"oh! yes, today's my day off."
Right. All that stuff happened yesterday afternoon. I must've been super out of it to let almost a whole half day pass without me noticing.
"Your day off huh, so what now?"
"actually i came here to ask for a favor."
"yup. i don't have any plans for my day off..."
"... and, like i was wondering if u would want to do an activity with me?" She said shyly.
"An activity? Why are you touching your index fingers like that? No, no it's fine. Um, sure, let's do this uh, activity. I don't have anything better to do anyway." I added.
"fr? awesome!" She squealed as she proceeded to break through and jump out the other window in the front room.
"Wait a minute! You'll have to pay for these windows too, you know!"
"Jeez, give me a few minutes to get ready."
It was all so sudden and surprising, but I was happy. I was happy that someone took the time to look after me. Even though I didn't know Izumi-chan at all, there was a strong feeling of trust between us. We bonded over this experience. This experience of an impromptu therapy session. A session of healing.
Although it will undoubtedly take time for these wounds to heal, there's nothing stopping me from treating them so they heal as fast as possible.