Drown it in lies

I should've just pretended I wasn't home—or even better: left through the window and searched for a ditch to hide in.

"Hey there, Betta. What's up?"

"What was that about? Zipping out like a hawk tore your tail off."

"I just wanted to do some exercise, you know?"

"Suuure, buddy. How about you do me a favor and stop spitting rubbish in my face?"

Keep it cool. Clashing with her never works out.

"You're right. Sorry I ran away, I just got tired of everyone looking at me like I'd stolen their marks."

"Ugh," she scoffed. "Whatever, I'm not here to eat the crap of a phony like you." Betta crossed her arms and leaned on one foot. "Now listen to me. And you listen good: I'm in charge of the quest."

"Sure. No complaints."

She took a step forward. "It means no bullshit this time around. We're going for that monstrosity, I'm slaying it with my own two hands, and you're helping me. Are we clear?"

"As clear as a crystal mark."

Apparently, that wasn't clear enough because she grabbed me by the collar and forced me to hunch down to her face. "Let me repeat it a second time, just in case. I'm going to kill that Cursed Prince and you're not going to hinder me in any way, shape, form, spirit or dream. If at any point during our journey I get the slightest suspicion that you might become a liability to the quest, I'm strangling you on the spot. Are. We. Clear?"

"We clear, yes," I squeezed through what little breath her grip allowed me.

Betta threw me to the ground and—before leaving—she just had to stab me one last time: "I'm not going to let your stubbornness kill anyone else."

I stayed down for a while even after she was no longer present.

Then I got up, closed the door, walked up the stairs and lay back on the bed.

After a moment, I looked to the side, at the window. Only a second floor so it wasn't high. It still showed the sky. Endless blue. Pure. Clean.

Blurry.

I wish Oscar was here.

But I also didn't.

His presence would mean I'd need to act merry again, and Betta had left me drier than sand.

However, I really, really needed to hear him say to me, yet another time: "It's alright, Dori. You know I don't blame you for any of what happened. Not even my death."

Unfortunately, the bond was unstable. His ghost would appear and disappear at random intervals, and never linger for more than a couple hours.

He described it as getting terribly sleepy and taking a dreamless nap—probably what being dead felt like.

When I'd performed that ritual I wasn't aware this would be the result. I expected it to bring him back to life like nothing had happened. Instead, I cursed him to be invisible to everyone else, to exist but not really live. To be tied to the person who did this to him.

Betta and the Council believed the ritual just failed. Still, I'd committed a taboo by attempting it, on top of all my other mistakes.

It should have been me who…

ᗢ⫘⫘⫘⫘𖦹⫘⫘⫘⫘♡

I made a choice. A simple one.

"Welcome back, Oscar," I said while chopping some carrots.

"Hi, Dory. Did I miss much? How was the meeting?"

"Meh, you know how those things go. A lot of boring talks about the political situation of city A, the trade route of city B and so on. Also, they're sending us to deal with the Cursed Prince."

"Wha—? You mean… to kill it?"

"Yeah, probably." The carrots were done. Next came the lemon. "They didn't explicitly say it, but you know how Betta is. Girl needs her regular dose of butt-kicking to function, hehe."

Oscar didn't laugh.

"Are you… are you okay with that, Dori?"

"I mean, it's not like I can refuse. Gotta do my duty." With the lemon cut in discs, only the fish remained. "Also, you're not gonna believe this, but they want to send the three of us without a Paladin of Justice. Like, come on. What's next? Lowering our pay to save budget?"

Oscar, please stop frowning.

Just let us move on.

"Though I guess they already do it," as I said that, I cut my finger fileting the fish. "Even if it's only my pay they've reduced. Kinda hilarious that with a decreased salary I still earn enough to support my entire family and friends back home. Paladins live in quite..."

I kept going, but I was running out of rubbish to spit, and the cutting board was becoming a red mess.

My cheeks tugged the sides of my lips with all the strength I had, praying that when Oscar decided to speak, he'd prattle about something meaningless too, and allow the real talk to go unaddressed and sink to the bottom.

Please.

"Dori… " His eyes darted around, avoiding mine, glancing at the bloodied board. "This is… well… " He scratched the back of his neck despite the fact that he shouldn't be able to feel itchy. "Yeah, I guess it's kinda funny in the wrong kind of way. Even as a noble I was surprised at how much a Paladin is paid. The Council really wants to make sure the symbols of hope are well fed. But I say, shouldn't they worry about them getting a little too chunky to properly fight?" He smiled, or at least pretended to.

Thank you.

I was fully aware I'd need to address those matters eventually. It was the purpose of our journey, we'd actively travel toward it.

But I wasn't ready.

It implied too much.

So my preferred approach was to avoid it until it came knocking at my door and dragged me by the collar.

Not the attitude of a true Paladin, of someone people looked up to—but I wasn't one anyway. I was only a good pretender.

I'd always been just that.