Those clowns always say money doesn’t buy happiness. Come on, don’t lie. Yes, I’m talking to you. Your parents, your girlfriend, your best friend, your grandma. One of them has told you that garbage. Money does buy happiness. Money buys anything, and whoever tells you it doesn’t is just another one of those peasants that go to… wait… what do those peasants call it again? Oh, that’s right… they call it “work”.
My god. Peasants, am I right? Anyways, I wanted something and went to get it. Yes, it’s that simple. If I want something, then I’m getting it.
It all started when I bumped into a brawny fellow with hazel eyes in the city passing by me. I thought it would be the normal everyday gain, but from that encounter, I ended up gaining something worse than ever. Those memories… were horrifying. I had Linguini sleep in a bed near me for two days straight after gaining those memories. It turns out that the man I bumped into was acquainted with me in all the wrong ways.
Oh, wait! I should explain! You’re probably not the sharpest tool in the shed just like all those other people that “work”. God damn, I get shivers just from thinking about that word. Anyways, if I didn’t mention earlier, I’m a number. I go by Number Twenty-Nine to be exact. Yes, yes. I am a killer, and I did gain from it. Memories specifically. Memories in the shape of faces, secrets, hidden desires, movements, walking postures, and much more simply from killing or making contact with people. From killing someone, I would gain all of their memories. Every single feeling and piece of information about the person’s life. Who they were, who they wanted to be, who they despised, and even who they loved. All of it.
From a simple touch, however, I would gain only snip bits and chunks of past memories that I desired, and lastly, from simply gazing upon someone I gain their most recent memory (although that’s usually useless since I’m usually their most recent memory). I don’t have a choice. That’s what comes from killing people and being a number, I guess?
So, back to what’s actually important. After bumping into One, I learned of a warrior that fought him. A real warrior who actually brought Number One to his knees. From gaining the memories of the hazel-eyed man, I learned of a weapon that I want. I heard that the weapon, that I now freshly remember the warrior using in battle, is being held at the main hall of the bounty hunters in the middle of Dividend City. I remember the location of the weapon after bumping into a bounty hunter while walking out of the Association. I bumped into the fellow by “mistake” as you would imagine, and his memories revealed to me what I desired.
I ordered, “Linguini get over here.”
My dear Linguini responded, “Yes? What is it, master?”
“Come on Linguini, I told you to stop calling me that. You can just refer to me as ‘sir’, my good man. Anyways, I want something, and I wanna go get it now. Let’s go. Bring Caviar and all the explosives too.”
Linguini expressed, “Are you sure Caviar will want to come? He’s working out downstairs as we speak sir. Perhaps we should wait for him to finish at least?”
I demanded, “No, no. This can’t wait. Bring him now.”
“At once my good sir.”
I grabbed the thousand-dollar comb that was in my right pocket and combed over my elegant brown and coffee-colored hair. Normally, my hair is grey, but I dyed it because if I walked out in public with that hair people would, god-forbid, think I was poor.
Linguini walked downstairs to retrieve Caviar while I finished my tea. Oh, damn! I keep forgetting that you’re probably poor and stupid like everyone else! Here, I’ll explain what’s going on a little more. I live on my own in my palace at the east edge of Dividend City, and Linguini Parmigiano is my fine butler and friend. He’s a sixty-two-year-old man with short white hair, a short white beard along with a white goatee, and a truly stunning black suit and tie. He has brown eyes and a fairly toned physique under his suit. I must say, he is truly an inspiration. People have told me that Linguini is actually a retired bounty hunter who used to go by the nickname "The Snatcher" because of his greed, but that's not why I hired him. I only hired him because he makes the finest tea and cake I've ever tasted.
I only wear suits. One different suit every day alongside my burgundy tie with “#29” written on the backside of it. I can’t forget my black leather dress shoes either of course. What? Do you take me as a commoner? Of course, my pajamas are a suit too!
Caviar Bottoms is my honorable bodyguard. He is an extremely muscular and tall ally who also wears true style, and by true style, I mean a suit, tie, and dress shoes like me. His hair color is black, and he ties his hair into a man bun every morning like a truly civilized fellow. He also has a naturally intimidating face with plain orange-brownish eyes. How I met Caviar you may ask? Well, that's a long story... Ah! Whatever I'll tell you! While walking to my palace one night, I actually saw him boxing some thugs on the street in Dividend City. I was perplexed by the way he fought, so I considered hiring him as my bodyguard. I only actually hired him when I found out his name was Caviar though. I mean, come on, that name is breathtaking! Isn't it?
As Caviar and Linguini walked back upstairs together with the C-4 explosives I requested, they strapped some on my body under my suit’s vest, gave me the button to activate them, and placed many more in a giant black duffel bag. We walked to my limo, and my good man Linguini opened my door for me as I entered the back seat. Caviar threw the duffel bag into the front passenger seat and began driving out of my gated home after Linguini jumped in the back with me.
We arrived at our destination promptly and elegantly. We were now right outside the capital hall of the bounty hunters.
As hours passed, the morning turned into afternoon. Caviar parked directly in front of the building, opened the door for Linguini and me after he got out of the driver’s seat, and subsequently locked the car after we exited.
I ordered, “Linguini my good man, stay here and watch the car.”
Caviar gave Linguini the keys, and Caviar and I began to walk. We walked past a few bounty hunters casually while Caviar held the duffel bag of explosives and kicked the door open critically. The room had a colossal and flat marble center floor with stairs on both sides of a long desk in front of a vault with an old man behind it. The stairs led to a giant mezzanine circling around the entire inside of the building. I howled at the swarm of bounty hunters.
The hundreds of both male and female bounty hunters immediately silenced and turned to look at me. They were all wearing different and unique outfits with different weapons including blades, knives, snipers, machine guns, and more. Many wore masks but began to take them off as more bounty hunters followed in staring at me and Caviar.
I raised my hands and arms out in front of me in an embracing-like position expecting them to praise me, “I’M NUMBER TWENTY-NINE!”
I grinned and lifted my tie flipping it around showing the “#29” precisely and artistically stamped on it. The bounty hunters far in the back continued their silence, but the ones much closer to me opened their mouths wide. The many hunters reacted differently.
Many exclaimed, “What?”
Many more laughed, “What the hell? Who the hell is this chump!”
The room was filled with only laughter. I responded with only one action. I pulled up my vest with my left hand and smiled even brighter in a serious and convincing fashion. The laughter died quickly.
The closest hunter to my right asked, “Wait… what…? Is he actually… a number?”
All I heard was the unsheathing of countless tools and reloading of guns as people started to notice the explosives on my body. I lifted the button, which was wired to the explosives, from my pocket with my right and free hand. Everyone stood still as Caviar unzipped the bag of explosives and held it up. Bounty hunters began shouting frantically.
“IS HE REALLY A NUMBER?”
Everyone panicked and pointed their weapons at me. The closest few hunters swiftly and fiercely thrusted their pocket knives towards my neck only to be instantly halted by a double crooked arm lariat from Caviar who also grabbed their faces and slammed them into the ground sending rubble flying. Multitudes of hunters began to sprint towards me.
I yelled, “STOP!”
I raised my voice firmly so that it could reach those in the back, but at the same time, I wasn’t screaming like a homeless person. Caviar let go of the hunters’ faces as they dropped their knives.
“I have explosives wrapped all around me idiots, and you see right there?”
I pointed at the duffel bag my colleague Caviar began to hold up again.
“That’s even more explosives!”
Everyone stopped talking. I instructed Caviar to begin sticking explosives around the room as I continued walking.
“Listen fools. I’m not here because I care about people like you. I vowed to never kill a poor person because I can’t stand their disgusting memories. There’s something I want, and it’s not your lives. I mean, let's be real, most of you dress like trash, so your memories are also probably trash!”
Many of the hunters’ glares grew angrily in confusion. I walked forward with Caviar at my side as we moved past countless bounty hunters. I made sure not to touch them because I didn’t want their memories. The hunters, quiet and on edge, kept pointing their weapons at me.
One distinct hunter in the back wearing a distinct plague mask yelled out loud, “Wait, do you think we’re idiots? If you press that button you’ll die too!”
I connected my eyes to the bounty hunter speaking.
“Come on peasant. Do you really think a number would die from something like this?”
The crowd gasped in realization. A bounty hunter wearing a plain yellow mask with open holes where the eyes were, including red lines running down where the eyes were, reacted in obvious fear.
“Oh damn, he’s right… an explosion wouldn’t kill a number…this guy’s ability is probably crazy…”
The crowd continued to converse and mumble amongst each other as I walked further. The funny thing is that I would obviously die from pressing the button, but of course, poor people aren’t that smart. It always astounded me how easy it is to trick poor people. I looked back at the hunter with the plague mask who I was beginning to pass up.
“You’re beginning to… BLOW MY MIND by how stupid you all look!.”
The man in the plague mask along with everyone else flinched and squealed when I said the word “blow”. I inched my finger closer to the button which scared them even more. Another odd-looking bounty hunter holding a tiny hammer with long cone-shaped green hair resembling a Christmas tree squealed like a child.
“Oh my god! This guy’s crazy!”
He tried to make a run for it, and we just let him run past us since my dear Caviar already locked the door. Right when the man tried to push through and open the door, he hit his head against the door sending him flying back onto the marble floor. I ignored the idiot and kept walking forward.
“I’ve always known poor people for being clumsy.”
Caviar finished planting the bombs and quickly joined my side. Afterward, Caviar and I eventually reached the desk that the old man stood behind located all the way in the back of the giant hall. He was short with wrinkles all over his face and messy white hair. He was wearing a plain brown cloak similar to the cloaks that most bounty hunters wear. He looked at me with hatred-filled emerald green eyes as if he was holding himself back from killing me where I stood.
“Old man. I’m looking for a weapon that belonged to a bounty hunter named Arsenal.”
The old man continued to leer at me and exclaimed in his raspy voice, “Get out! Get out now! I’ll never help a filthy number!”
I raised an eyebrow and acknowledged, “I understand my dear elder, but you know, I’m not asking.”
The old man gritted his teeth in anger. I reached my hand onto the old man’s shoulder and gained what I wanted.
“I see. I see. It’s in that safe behind you my good elder. Isn’t it?”
The geezer’s anger turned into puzzlement as I lifted my arm off the man and jumped over the long desk. The safe had a lock that was connected to an advanced, small digital keyboard. It appeared to need many required digits to unlock it.
The elder taunted, “Even if you know it’s in there you’ll never get inside! I only know the code, and I’ll never give it to scum like you!”
Caviar began stepping towards the old man aggressively, but I stopped him by throwing my arm at his chest. I lowered that arm and took a final step forward reaching the lock. I grabbed the lock, placed a finger to my head to help me remember what I gained from the geezer, and began typing away at the digital keyboard. The old man gasped in disbelief as he noticed that I was typing the correct numbers. The room stood silent, and almost every bounty hunter had their weapons dropped by now.
I asked myself aloud, “Let's see… what are the last twenty-three digits again?”
The old man couldn’t believe his eyes as I entered them. He was shaking in confusion and anger as I called out the digits while typing.
“Six, seven, two, three, six, nine…”
After typing in the last digit, the safe roared and unlocked. The old man simply had his mouth wide open and said nothing as I walked into the safe. The safe was packed with cabinets and giant drawers of steel holding countless contents. I placed my finger on my head again and remembered where the elder stored the sickle. I pulled the drawer labeled “7302” and snatched the weapon that resided in it. It was a sickle that was clearly old, and it was just as I remembered it from gaining the old man’s memories. As I walked out of the safe, I closed the door behind me and patted the elder on the back playfully.
I teased, “See? Nice and easy.”
The old man sniveled in anger.
“You piece of shi-”
I asked by cutting the old man off quickly, “Hey, by the way, I need to use the bathroom. Where would that be again?”
Of course, I knew where it was from gaining the elder’s memory, but I just wanted to piss him off since his memories disgusted me after they showed me how poor he was.
“I WILL KILL YO-”
I cut the man off once more, “Oh ok! It’s over there? Thanks for telling me!”
I pointed at a door to the left side of the desk that was titled “restroom”. I tossed the sickle to Caviar.
“I’ll be right back, Caviar. I need to use it real quick.”
Caviar responded, “Alright. I’ll wait for you sir.”
The room still remained silent as I took my tie and vest off and handed it to the bounty hunter wearing the plague mask making sure not to touch him. I didn’t want to accidentally gain whatever worthless memories he probably had.
“What? What is thi-”
I cut off the hunter expressing, “I’ll be right back my man. Just hold that for me. Keep it clean by the way or, you know, I’ll kill you all.”
The man shrieked and began cradling the vest and tie as if they were babies. I entered the bathroom pocketing the button for detonation, locked the door, took off my ten-thousand-dollar pants, and sat on the toilet. After using it, I turned to my left and swiped at where the toilet paper was supposed to be. There was nothing there. So, I did the only thing a logical person would do. I took my wallet out of my fallen pants and began counting one-hundred-dollar bills. I counted about thirty, threw my wallet back in my pants, and wiped.
After tossing the wiped bills into the toilet, I flushed, pulled up my pants, quickly washed my hands, and walked out. As soon as I walked out, three bounty hunters dashed into the restroom. I’m guessing they went to make sure I didn’t do anything fishy. I instantly pulled out the button for detonation once more and grabbed my vest and tie from the bounty hunter holding them. I wore them properly, and after pulling up my tie, I reached into my pocket. The hunter with the plague mask along with a few other hunters squirmed. They probably thought I was trying to do something. What kind of person do they think I am?
I pulled out my wallet, took out several one-hundred-dollar bills, and handed them casually to the plague-masked bounty hunter slowly making sure not to touch him.
“Here’s your tip peasant.”
I walked with Caviar towards the door, and Caviar unlocked it. As soon as I was about to step out, I heard the old geezer yell, and I turned around.
“We’ve seen your face now number! I’m putting a bounty on your head so large that you won’t be able to sleep at night fearing us! Do you hear that bounty hunters? Ten-million dollar bounty for whoever brings me the head of Number Twenty-Nine!”
Everyone began muttering, but I just ignored the old man. I remember how much money he has from touching him. That peasant can’t afford that. I turned back around towards the door with Caviar and began to walk out.
“Now, now. No one follows me or I press the button.”
The bounty hunters didn’t respond as I walked out. Linguini, still waiting at the car for us, greeted us as he saw Caviar carrying the sickle alongside me.
Linguini assumed, “I see everything went well sir.”
“Yea, I got what I wanted. Let’s go.”
Caviar handed me the sickle and opened the door for me. Linguini and I jumped in the back seat, and Caviar drove off back towards our mansion.
As we drove a fair distance, I confirmed with Caviar, “Is anyone following us?”
My true ally replied, “Doesn’t look like it sir.”
And that’s the story of how I got what I wanted! You guys have probably all had the same question the whole time. Why did I want the sickle, and what have I done with it? Honestly, I just wanted it because it looked cool after remembering it from Number One’s memory, and you ask what I do with it now?
I just use it as a back scratcher.
The man that sickle belonged to… I think his name was… Adderall? Or maybe Arserol? Oh whatever, he was probably just another poor person.