Camryn: Painful Past 04

After Bailey and Ren left, I decided to explore the park in front of the hotel. The initial view I got of it from the road was not significant.

After actually exploring it, I found that this park is really relaxing. I noticed that there are more stone paths than grass, but the greenery makes up for it. There are mature trees sprinkled around, and there are a few beds of flowers. There are also some great structures around the area. For example, there is a fountain where the water drips down multiple plates. The fountain is in a body of water, and there are platforms in it that I saw people jumping between — illegal or not, it seems fun.

And I think this park really goes well with the rest of this city. I think it’s because of the mature trees, the grey colour scheme of the structures, the darker path, or the old-fashioned-looking fences. The use of stone bricks makes this park really match with the rest of the city, and especially with the nearby church and its architecture.

I sat at a bench beside a large tree. The shade from the tree coupled with the comfortable scenes and the warm summer weather made me feel relaxed… So much that I felt like sleeping… I gently leaned my head onto the seat and closed my eyes…

With what’s happening right now, I can’t help but think back… Think back to my times before I met Ren… I remember when I’d be forced to do these things… Sleeping in public whenever I felt tired — honestly, it made me feel guilty.

No one wants to look at me — and really, no one should look at me. Back then I was a pitiful sight to see. A poor girl, sleeping on a hard park bench… A poor girl in a forlorn and defensive fetal position… A poor girl with a frown and tear stains plastered on her face… Isn’t it a real pitiful sight to see?

I hated doing this… It was really uncomfortable to assume that position, but it was also hurtful in another way… I think it was the fact that I was visible to other people — ah, it pains me just thinking about it… Dammit, why must I be cursed with constantly thinking about other people!?

But was it something I picked up, or was it burned into me? Regardless, I did not like other people seeing me… I always thought they’d be sad. No one wants to deal with hardships, and just thinking about me forced that feeling on them… And knowing that I caused it made me sad — but who really cares? Yes, it’s all my fault… I was just a burden on people just for being visible to them…

But all that is different now! Ren Morales… He really saved me… At that time, the only thing clouding my mind was negativity. I felt like I was finished… I no longer cared what happened to me…

I… I seriously contemplated suicide. I mean, who wouldn’t after a long time of fruitless effort. I felt like nothing could possibly happen to lift my spirits. I remember I also attempted this back on a cold December night of last year. It was my birthday and a week after my journey began. The thing that made me consider living alone and the reason I was put on this journey…

However, that was in the past. I was foolish and I sorely thought that things would brighten up — I’m glad things did! After, I endured the next six months — living alone, sexually pleasuring others for shelter, or suffering on the streets… Six months of fruitless effort…

I kept on travelling between cities. And when I reached Tronito, I threw away my suitcase. The thing containing my clothes, my textbooks, my extra food — there was no need for them if suicide was the most enticing option… I was so tired — but even so, I tried fighting against it. A few more days… I told myself that I would give myself a few more days…

And then, I met Ren… His deadpan face and monotone voice on that evening is still so familiar to me. It was so mean in hindsight, but I thought he looked like a hopeless loser.

Unfortunately for me, I had a goal of seducing him — a goal of stealing from him… He gave me money, so that lifted a little guilt off my shoulder — it was a very minuscule amount. I think I did what I did because I was desperate. To be useful to someone… At the time, I believed that the only thing I was useful for was pleasuring others… And I think I was also fighting with myself — I really did not want to die… So the only thing I could come up with was to pleasure this guy in order to be useful.

But I didn’t, and I couldn’t. Why? Because Ren rejected me — he was rejecting or ignoring my affection. He instead just decided to shelter me in his condo. I was saddened — not because I wanted to seduce him of course, but because I felt like I needed to. I mean, what’s a broken tool other than garbage? I desperately needed Ren to want me… But it’s only been a few days — maybe Ren will need me later…

And then, about a week passed. And at that moment, I couldn’t take it. I felt useless… So much that the guilt was overtaking other things I tried thinking about. And I feared what would happen to me if I didn’t act… I seriously needed to try harder, and I did by kissing Ren… But I did it just as he was leaving for work. So, the logical decision was to wait until he came home to see how he changed, right?.. I wish things were that simple… I was too late. The guilt accumulated, and it strongly caused me to flee before that… Gosh, my feelings do nothing but make things more complicated!

So, I fled… I was relieved, but my feeling of fear was more prominent. I got rid of the feeling of being an annoying parasite that was leeching off Ren, but I was still alone. But, deep inside me, I wanted to go back. Was it because Ren’s condo was nice? Was it because I no longer have my suitcase? Was I still hopeful for a change? I don’t know — but I knew for sure that my hope was meaningless because nothing would change…

And then… Ren Morales came for me…

Even though my eyes were closed, I could feel my mouth transform into a smile…

Ren came to find me. Thinking back, I don’t think I was angry — I was glad that Ren came. I flipped out of him and accused him of calling me weak. But those were all excuses. See, I developed the skill of acting angry. And I used this idiosyncrasy against Ren because I needed him to go away… I was still feeling awfully guilty, and his charity was only heightening it.

But I’m thankful he managed to stay calm against my outburst — I guess it’s not so impressive because he deals with Bailey a lot of the time! He was tenacious, but he taught me more about life than what I knew. Nothing in this world is free? I guess that term is not simply black or white. No… A lot of things can be free depending on the person, and the cost can be handled by others…

And the rest was history… I started living with Ren, I met Connie, I started working at Alente Bistro and met Valerie and her crew, and I met Bailey… Honestly, I’m so happy that I met someone as kind and generous as Ren.

…

After a couple of minutes that felt like hours, I suddenly opened my eyes and sat straight up.

But I should really stop lying to Ren… I told him that I come from a financially struggling family, but that is far from the truth — though, it’s not entirely false.