Overload Part 1

It was the middle of the night… Everyone was asleep — us and the population of this city… The night was dormant, and only darkness coated outside… It was peaceful…

Everyone was asleep… Well, everyone was asleep except for me.

I couldn’t sleep… Was it because I wasn’t tired? No, I usually fall asleep at that time… Was it because sleeping with someone else was uncomfortable? No, Bailey looked peaceful and the bed was big enough for two people. Then why?..

I was sitting in the swivel chair, staring out of the big window… My bed was farther from the window and closer to the door, so I walked a bit to the chair…

...What’s keeping me from sleeping? It’s obvious… As usual, I feel somewhat guilty. This bothered me when I was sitting in the park, but the thing bothering me is that Ren doesn’t know the whole story — I’m lying… But I should tell him, right? I mean, I live with him, so he should at least know…

But I’m still a bit hesitant about sharing… Why? Maybe it’s because I don’t want to face it… I don’t want to come to terms with those things about myself — but what’s the point in hiding when being found is inevitable?.. There is none, so fearing is pointless… But even so, I’ll keep repeating this futile act.

But those are just the effects on me… Ren doesn’t have to know, right? What’ll it cause? Hatred — yeah, that has to be it… I’ll reveal those things about myself — those ugly things — and Ren will resent me for them. But what if I’m lucky? Well, there’s no doubt that he’ll still feel saddened about it… So what’s the point in telling him? Really, it’s a win-win situation for the both of us — Ren won’t be burdened with compassion for me, and I get to keep hiding and not be hated by Ren…

What grounds are these predictions based on?.. Nothing. It’s nothing but a gut feeling — a gut feeling so strong that it’s basically fact…

But even so, there’s an internal conflict… It’s so obvious that I should keep this secret buried and not reveal it… But there’s something else — I want to share it with Ren… This feeling is so strong — so strong that I feel like I’ll go insane if I don’t act on it despite the major consequences… But do I tell Ren? Or do I not?..

Geez… Life would be so much better if I weren’t having these complicated feelings — the only thing they do is make things more problematic…

I buried my head into my lap… I’m just so confused…

…

“Camryn?”

While I was deep in thought, I heard someone call to me. I turned my head, and there he was — Ren Morales… He was sitting up in the white queen-sized bed with his legs covered with the thick comforter.

“Oh, Ren, good evening… Sorry, did I wake you?”

“Good evening…”

He shook his head.

“Oh, no…”

I think that’s a lie… There were no other interferences other than me after all… But I think I was being relatively quiet and still as to not be a distraction… Did he hear me walking from my bed to the window? Then was he awake for a longer time? Hm…

Only the dim light from outside made things in this room visible, and I saw Ren caress the back of his neck.

“Um… So Camryn, are you okay? Are to having problems with sleeping?”

“Yeah…”

I guess there’s no point in hiding it…

“I see… What is the problem? I can probably help with resolving it…”

Oh… Well, I think there’s only one solution that can ease my guilt — telling Ren the truth about my past… But still, there are the other things that may occur. Is Ren okay with accepting them? And am I okay with accepting them? I hope so…

I faced down.

“Well… You see…”

I don’t want to feel this feeling again…

“Recently, I’ve been thinking… And those thoughts are really bugging me…”

I spun in the chair to face Ren with a determined look…

“Ren, I’ve been lying to you… I… I want to tell you the truth!”

Ren nodded — but it looked slightly hesitant. He spun in his bed and sat with his legs hanging off the side.

“Okay.”

I was slightly nervous, and my walk to the bed reflected that… I sat down next to Ren. I looked forward, staring at my knees as I thought.

“Ren… I’m sorry for lying to you all of this time… See, I lied to you when we first met, and since then, you’ve had a false vision of me…”

“Hm?”

“You see…”

I took a deep breath… I saw my leg slightly shake out of fearful anticipation…

“Do you remember what I told you about myself when we first met?”

“Well, you said that you were a homeless girl from a financially struggling family, and you temporarily separated from them… And you told me that you couldn’t seek help from the police, homeless shelters, or orphanages — you never told me why…”

So he still remembers… It’d be so much better if Ren could live with this fabricated story… But…

“Yeah… But Ren… That’s not the truth…”

I took another deep breath and braced myself…

“You see Ren, I’m… I’m actually an orphan…”

Like ripping off an incredibly sticky bandage.

“I said that I separated from my family, but the truth is, I probably separated from them at birth…”

The truth is out… I never knew my real parents. I’ve tried forgetting my past, but I think I was scared. I mean, having no one to truly rely on… Being forced to trust people that were obviously acting familial solely for the money…

“And that’s not the only thing I need to reveal... “

I swallowed my saliva hard and took another deep breath.

“I said I’ve been homeless for six months, right?"

Here goes nothing...

"Well, the reason I became homeless was that… I’m a runaway…”