Chapter 20:

Double Suicide

Skipped a Beat

*Phone buzzingBookmark here

Takahashi: my alarms going off… which means I restarted…Bookmark here

I tried to stay awake to see if I can escape these restarts but… I guess, no matter what I do, if I go to sleep, I restart. What else I can do? I’m tired… of repeating these year… spending time with Sachi then seeing her die… I can’t do this… should I drop out of school? No… I can’t, there’s no reason that mom and dad will understand. I have to do something while going to school… Bookmark here

The saddest part is seeing her go away after spending time with her, how many years has it been since I started restarting? Second year, then first, then third, then first, then second, then first, then second, then this first I think, around 7 years. No wait, first 3 years were skipping back and forth, after the third year, I restarted to first so this is the fifth year… if I was living a normal life, I would have definitely gotten over Sachi, or maybe even had forgotten her. But… What's the point of ifs, focus on what's happening right now…Bookmark here

What can I do, if I can't save her nor kill myself… Wait… what if I get on with her, on the train to Kyoto, and die in that train with her… then I'll restart and go back to first. That way I won't have to spend time without her… though this is still considered killing myself in the sense that I know that train crashes… but who cares. I restart and nobody knows anything. Bookmark here

It's like I'm planning to spend my rest of eternity, or just eternity, because I can't kill myself, in this first and second year loop… what other choice do I have, I don't understand why it's happening, and I can't even save Sachi. Maybe that is the best option. Bookmark here

Oh shit, it's 08: 14 now, I should get ready… why do I even care about anything now? I could commit a crime and don't even give a shit because I'll restart anyway… NO! I can't let myself go insane. I have to stay the way I am. Because if I find a way out of this loop. I will live a normal life.Bookmark here

(After winter vacation)Bookmark here

It's 7th January 2019, Monday.
I became friends with them just like before, and just for fun, I gave them the questions that appear in the exams saying I hacked teacher’s computer. At first, they were like nah you probably joking or something, until they saw the question paper for themselves.
And I didn't go to Sachi this time, I have decided I don't need to go to Kyoto because I can tell her everything when she comes here in second year.Bookmark here

Winter vacation ended today. Right now, I'm on my way to school on foot. It's 08: 20 right nowBookmark here

08: 28, I enter the class and Eiji and Aoi are here already. Bookmark here

"Good morning Eiji, Aoi" (Takahashi)Bookmark here

"Morning Takahashi, I wanted to ask you something" (Aoi)Bookmark here

"What is it?"Bookmark here

"Have you also been feeling like you and I went to meet someone during winter vacation?"Bookmark here

Takahashi: WHAT THE FUCK IS SHE TALKING ABOUT… I never even mentioned Sachi, how can she…Bookmark here

"Yeah, I have also recently started feeling like you and Aoi went somewhere" (Eiji)Bookmark here

"No, I have never felt like that" (Takahashi)Bookmark here

Takahashi: Is this happening because of my restarts? I know that I go back in time so they shouldn't know about something I did in a different time than theirs.Bookmark here

"Weird, I really feel like we went somewhere but I know that I spent those days at home." (Aoi)Bookmark here

“What are you guys talking about?” (Hina)Bookmark here

“Do you feel like Aoi and Takahashi went somewhere during the winter vacation?” (Eiji)Bookmark here

“They did, didn’t they? Aoi never told me why though”Bookmark here

“No, we didn’t. I spent my time in the house, I don’t remember taking a whole day trip to somewhere” (Aoi)Bookmark here

“Yeah, I don’t remember anything like that either” (Takahashi)Bookmark here

Takahashi: saving Sachi was another problem and now this… but I can just say that I don’t feel like that. Since they are aware that it didn’t happen…Bookmark here

“This is weird, I wonder why we all feel like that” (Eiji)Bookmark here

“Yeah, me too” (Aoi)Bookmark here

So, if they feel like Aoi and I went somewhere and Aoi says that she went on a whole day trip with me… then Sachi must feel like someone came to meet her… who else could be feeling like this? My mom! She knew every time that I was going to Kyoto, I should ask her when I get home today.Bookmark here

(At home)Bookmark here

Mom is in the kitchen, I’ll change to home cloths and go talk to her.Bookmark here

Okay…Bookmark here

“Mom…”Bookmark here

“Hmm?”Bookmark here

“Do you feel like I went to somewhere in winter vacation?”Bookmark here

“You? I don’t know. Did you?”Bookmark here

So, she doesn’t feel like that… it’s just my friends thenBookmark here

“No, just wanted to check something”Bookmark here

“Okay…”Bookmark here

So, it’s just them… well it won’t be a problem until Sachi comes. Bookmark here

(Months later)Bookmark here

Just like every time, Sachi comes on the second day, which is today, 2nd April 2019. And yeah, I didn’t restart, I don’t even need to check now, I wake up and I’m certain which year it is. Bookmark here

It’s 08: 16, I’m on my way to school right nowBookmark here

08: 24, Eiji and Sachi are hereBookmark here

“Morning Eiji”Bookmark here

“Morning Takahashi”Bookmark here

“… Takahashi?” (Sachi)Bookmark here

“Hey… Sachi, right?” (Takahashi)Bookmark here

“Wait, you know me?”Bookmark here

“Same middle school so…”Bookmark here

“Yeah…” (Sachi)Bookmark here

“Hey, I had this feeling that you came to Kyoto at the end of last year, do you feel like that too?” (Sachi)Bookmark here

Takahashi: so, her too… and she’s certain it was me…Bookmark here

“Me? I don’t remember coming to Kyoto. Why do you feel like that?”Bookmark here

“WAIT… You too?” (Eiji)Bookmark here

“You feel like too?” (Sachi)Bookmark here

“I felt like that Takahashi went to a whole day trip with our friend, Aoi”Bookmark here

“Yeah yeah, there was girl too with him…”Bookmark here

Takahashi: she knows more about this than others. They weren’t sure about who it was. But now that Sachi is agreeing with them, this might become a problem…Bookmark here

“I don’t remember anything like that, and Aoi confirmed that she stayed at home, so I know that we didn’t go anywhere” (Takahashi)Bookmark here

“Yeah, that is true…” (Eiji)Bookmark here

“You… I have seen you somewhere” (Aoi just entered the class) Bookmark here

“Me too… you must be Aoi” (Sachi)Bookmark here

Takahashi: it’s like they have the memories of last year’s still in them… well, I won’t tell them about anything so, it will be fineBookmark here

“Yeah… you feel like we have met too?” (Aoi)Bookmark here

“Yeah, around the end of last year”Bookmark here

“Yeah, where are you from?”Bookmark here

“At that time, I was in Kyoto but now, I am living in Tokyo”Bookmark here

“Yeah, that’s why it felt like it was a whole day trip”Bookmark here

“This is weird” (Eiji)Bookmark here

“Yeah, I don’t understand what’s happening either” (Takahashi)Bookmark here

After that, Hina came and had the same reaction as Eiji. Honestly, it isn’t a big problem because they’ll forget about it and just spend days like normal. At least this time, we can be friends from the start.Bookmark here

(28th December)Bookmark here

Sachi is my girlfriend, just like before. But this time, I had to ask her if I can come with her to Kyoto… at first, she said that I don’t need to… but I persisted to take a train with me to Kyoto, and she agreed. Bookmark here

I’m ready, I’ll get into the train with her and then the train will collide with another train… just like every time. And I’ll restart… unless I don’t die and get heavily injured… then I’ll have to spend these coming 4 months in pain. Until I restart. Bookmark here

It’s 08: 25, We are all on the train stationBookmark here

“How long will it take to reach Kyoto?” (Aoi)Bookmark here

“Probably around 6 hours”Bookmark here

“And I don’t understand why you are going with her; you have to come back too… it will take this much time” (Aoi)Bookmark here

“I wanted to be with her for more time…” Bookmark here

Takahashi: I can’t think of a better reason…Bookmark here

“You’re too much attached to her” (Aoi)Bookmark here

“I will come back, why do you worry so much?”Bookmark here

“I’m not worrying”Bookmark here

“It’s fine, I know he can’t live without me Haha” (Sachi)Bookmark here

“I can…” (Takahashi)Bookmark here

Takahashi: it’s actually true though. I can’t…Bookmark here

“Message us when you reach home, ok?” (Hina)Bookmark here

“I will”Bookmark here

“It’s 08: 27 now, we should be going now” (Takahashi)Bookmark here

“Yeah, Bye guys. Meet you after 4 months”Bookmark here

“We’ll be waiting” (Hina)Bookmark here

Takahashi: …waiting foreverBookmark here

08: 33 right now, I’m sitting in the train with Sachi… I wonder when that happens. I’m getting nervous… Damn! This is the exact same feeling I had when I committed suicide in third year… but at that time hopelessness had overcome me so I just couldn’t think of anything else. But this time… now I know how scary it is when you know that you are going to die… Bookmark here

knowing your own deadline… I’m sorry I made you feel like this Sachi… I won’t tell you about your death ever againBookmark here

(Around an hour later)Bookmark here

“Takahashi What’s wrong” (Sachi)Bookmark here

“What?”Bookmark here

“You’re shivering”Bookmark here

“Really? (Takes a deep breath) I feel fine though…”Bookmark here

“(Sachi grabs his hand) Your hands are cold, and you are sweating… tell me what’s wrong”Bookmark here

Takahashi: should I tell? I know she won’t believe me, but laugh instead… I guess it fine if I tell her nowBookmark here

“We might die in this train…”Bookmark here

“What?...... Hahahahaha, I didn’t know you were afraid of trains” Bookmark here

“No… for real, something will happen”Bookmark here

“Don’t worry, nothing’s going to happen to this train… why did you wanted to travel on a train with me if you are this scared of riding them”Bookmark here

“I… didn’t have money for a Plane ticket…”Bookmark here

“Well, you don’t need to worry, nothing will happen”Bookmark here

“Maybe…”Bookmark here

“Even if something happens, and we die, let’s call it double suicide. That way, it’s romantic”Bookmark here

“This won’t be a double suicide though”Bookmark here

“Shh, I know. But just to make it sound romantic. Also, to draw your attention from the train to something else.”Bookmark here

“Oh…”Bookmark here

Takahashi: a double suicide… it’s a nice idea. But Sachi won’t do it, I know. She’s a strong girl. Bookmark here

“How are you feeling now?”Bookmark here

“I’m fine…”Bookmark here

“Good, and just say it if you aren’t feeling well. Don’t keep it to yourself”Bookmark here

“Okay… I will”Bookmark here

(Some hours later)Bookmark here

This is weird… we’ll be reaching Kyoto in about 20 minutes… and nothing happened. Just to be sure, I’ll wait till we walk out of the train. Bookmark here

14: 44… and I’m standing on the train station… in Kyoto. I’m alive… no wait… SACHI’S ALIVE. Bookmark here

“Sachi, we are alive! WE ARE ALIVEEEEEE!!!”Bookmark here

“Yeah… we are alive… just how scared of trains are you?”Bookmark here

“You won’t understand how happy I am right now”Bookmark here

Takahashi: seriously, after so many restarts, I was able to save her… I guess I will stop looping now… if saving her was the condition. But still, even if I restart, at least I know what to do, Sachi won’t die ever again!Bookmark here

“Okay… I’m going to get a taxi. You go back to Tokyo… will you be fine though? On your own?”Bookmark here

“Yeah, I’ll be fine. Don’t worry”Bookmark here

“Okay… I’ll be going now (Takahashi hugs her)”Bookmark here

“Message me when you reach your apartment safely”Bookmark here

“… I will”Bookmark here

Sachi: wonder what happened to him suddenly… he looks so cheerful now…doesn’t feel like just his fear of trains is gone… something much bigger. Well, if he’s happy, that’s goodBookmark here

“Take care…”Bookmark here

“Bye”Bookmark here

(Months later)Bookmark here

It’s 1st April 2020 tomorrow, Sachi is still alive. Nothing happened to her… now I’m just worried about restarting… was this it? Or do I restart again… if I restart what then? Well, even if I restart, now I know that I have to go to Kyoto with her, that way she lives. Bookmark here

It’s 22: 33 right now, I should go to sleep. I’m more relaxed than last time. I think I’ll wake up normally.Bookmark here

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