Double Suicide

*Phone buzzing

Takahashi: my alarms going off… which means I restarted…

I tried to stay awake to see if I can escape these restarts but… I guess, no matter what I do, if I go to sleep, I restart. What else I can do? I’m tired… of repeating these year… spending time with Sachi then seeing her die… I can’t do this… should I drop out of school? No… I can’t, there’s no reason that mom and dad will understand. I have to do something while going to school…

The saddest part is seeing her go away after spending time with her, how many years has it been since I started restarting? Second year, then first, then third, then first, then second, then first, then second, then this first I think, around 7 years. No wait, first 3 years were skipping back and forth, after the third year, I restarted to first so this is the fifth year… if I was living a normal life, I would have definitely gotten over Sachi, or maybe even had forgotten her. But… What's the point of ifs, focus on what's happening right now…

What can I do, if I can't save her nor kill myself… Wait… what if I get on with her, on the train to Kyoto, and die in that train with her… then I'll restart and go back to first. That way I won't have to spend time without her… though this is still considered killing myself in the sense that I know that train crashes… but who cares. I restart and nobody knows anything.

It's like I'm planning to spend my rest of eternity, or just eternity, because I can't kill myself, in this first and second year loop… what other choice do I have, I don't understand why it's happening, and I can't even save Sachi. Maybe that is the best option.

Oh shit, it's 08: 14 now, I should get ready… why do I even care about anything now? I could commit a crime and don't even give a shit because I'll restart anyway… NO! I can't let myself go insane. I have to stay the way I am. Because if I find a way out of this loop. I will live a normal life.

(After winter vacation)

It's 7th January 2019, Monday.
I became friends with them just like before, and just for fun, I gave them the questions that appear in the exams saying I hacked teacher’s computer. At first, they were like nah you probably joking or something, until they saw the question paper for themselves.
And I didn't go to Sachi this time, I have decided I don't need to go to Kyoto because I can tell her everything when she comes here in second year.

Winter vacation ended today. Right now, I'm on my way to school on foot. It's 08: 20 right now

08: 28, I enter the class and Eiji and Aoi are here already.

"Good morning Eiji, Aoi" (Takahashi)

"Morning Takahashi, I wanted to ask you something" (Aoi)

"What is it?"

"Have you also been feeling like you and I went to meet someone during winter vacation?"

Takahashi: WHAT THE FUCK IS SHE TALKING ABOUT… I never even mentioned Sachi, how can she…

"Yeah, I have also recently started feeling like you and Aoi went somewhere" (Eiji)

"No, I have never felt like that" (Takahashi)

Takahashi: Is this happening because of my restarts? I know that I go back in time so they shouldn't know about something I did in a different time than theirs.

"Weird, I really feel like we went somewhere but I know that I spent those days at home." (Aoi)

“What are you guys talking about?” (Hina)

“Do you feel like Aoi and Takahashi went somewhere during the winter vacation?” (Eiji)

“They did, didn’t they? Aoi never told me why though”

“No, we didn’t. I spent my time in the house, I don’t remember taking a whole day trip to somewhere” (Aoi)

“Yeah, I don’t remember anything like that either” (Takahashi)

Takahashi: saving Sachi was another problem and now this… but I can just say that I don’t feel like that. Since they are aware that it didn’t happen…

“This is weird, I wonder why we all feel like that” (Eiji)

“Yeah, me too” (Aoi)

So, if they feel like Aoi and I went somewhere and Aoi says that she went on a whole day trip with me… then Sachi must feel like someone came to meet her… who else could be feeling like this? My mom! She knew every time that I was going to Kyoto, I should ask her when I get home today.

(At home)

Mom is in the kitchen, I’ll change to home cloths and go talk to her.

Okay…

“Mom…”

“Hmm?”

“Do you feel like I went to somewhere in winter vacation?”

“You? I don’t know. Did you?”

So, she doesn’t feel like that… it’s just my friends then

“No, just wanted to check something”

“Okay…”

So, it’s just them… well it won’t be a problem until Sachi comes.

(Months later)

Just like every time, Sachi comes on the second day, which is today, 2nd April 2019. And yeah, I didn’t restart, I don’t even need to check now, I wake up and I’m certain which year it is.

It’s 08: 16, I’m on my way to school right now

08: 24, Eiji and Sachi are here

“Morning Eiji”

“Morning Takahashi”

“… Takahashi?” (Sachi)

“Hey… Sachi, right?” (Takahashi)

“Wait, you know me?”

“Same middle school so…”

“Yeah…” (Sachi)

“Hey, I had this feeling that you came to Kyoto at the end of last year, do you feel like that too?” (Sachi)

Takahashi: so, her too… and she’s certain it was me…

“Me? I don’t remember coming to Kyoto. Why do you feel like that?”

“WAIT… You too?” (Eiji)

“You feel like too?” (Sachi)

“I felt like that Takahashi went to a whole day trip with our friend, Aoi”

“Yeah yeah, there was girl too with him…”

Takahashi: she knows more about this than others. They weren’t sure about who it was. But now that Sachi is agreeing with them, this might become a problem…

“I don’t remember anything like that, and Aoi confirmed that she stayed at home, so I know that we didn’t go anywhere” (Takahashi)

“Yeah, that is true…” (Eiji)

“You… I have seen you somewhere” (Aoi just entered the class)

“Me too… you must be Aoi” (Sachi)

Takahashi: it’s like they have the memories of last year’s still in them… well, I won’t tell them about anything so, it will be fine

“Yeah… you feel like we have met too?” (Aoi)

“Yeah, around the end of last year”

“Yeah, where are you from?”

“At that time, I was in Kyoto but now, I am living in Tokyo”

“Yeah, that’s why it felt like it was a whole day trip”

“This is weird” (Eiji)

“Yeah, I don’t understand what’s happening either” (Takahashi)

After that, Hina came and had the same reaction as Eiji. Honestly, it isn’t a big problem because they’ll forget about it and just spend days like normal. At least this time, we can be friends from the start.

(28th December)

Sachi is my girlfriend, just like before. But this time, I had to ask her if I can come with her to Kyoto… at first, she said that I don’t need to… but I persisted to take a train with me to Kyoto, and she agreed.

I’m ready, I’ll get into the train with her and then the train will collide with another train… just like every time. And I’ll restart… unless I don’t die and get heavily injured… then I’ll have to spend these coming 4 months in pain. Until I restart.

It’s 08: 25, We are all on the train station

“How long will it take to reach Kyoto?” (Aoi)

“Probably around 6 hours”

“And I don’t understand why you are going with her; you have to come back too… it will take this much time” (Aoi)

“I wanted to be with her for more time…”

Takahashi: I can’t think of a better reason…

“You’re too much attached to her” (Aoi)

“I will come back, why do you worry so much?”

“I’m not worrying”

“It’s fine, I know he can’t live without me Haha” (Sachi)

“I can…” (Takahashi)

Takahashi: it’s actually true though. I can’t…

“Message us when you reach home, ok?” (Hina)

“I will”

“It’s 08: 27 now, we should be going now” (Takahashi)

“Yeah, Bye guys. Meet you after 4 months”

“We’ll be waiting” (Hina)

Takahashi: …waiting forever

08: 33 right now, I’m sitting in the train with Sachi… I wonder when that happens. I’m getting nervous… Damn! This is the exact same feeling I had when I committed suicide in third year… but at that time hopelessness had overcome me so I just couldn’t think of anything else. But this time… now I know how scary it is when you know that you are going to die…

knowing your own deadline… I’m sorry I made you feel like this Sachi… I won’t tell you about your death ever again

(Around an hour later)

“Takahashi What’s wrong” (Sachi)

“What?”

“You’re shivering”

“Really? (Takes a deep breath) I feel fine though…”

“(Sachi grabs his hand) Your hands are cold, and you are sweating… tell me what’s wrong”

Takahashi: should I tell? I know she won’t believe me, but laugh instead… I guess it fine if I tell her now

“We might die in this train…”

“What?...... Hahahahaha, I didn’t know you were afraid of trains”

“No… for real, something will happen”

“Don’t worry, nothing’s going to happen to this train… why did you wanted to travel on a train with me if you are this scared of riding them”

“I… didn’t have money for a Plane ticket…”

“Well, you don’t need to worry, nothing will happen”

“Maybe…”

“Even if something happens, and we die, let’s call it double suicide. That way, it’s romantic”

“This won’t be a double suicide though”

“Shh, I know. But just to make it sound romantic. Also, to draw your attention from the train to something else.”

“Oh…”

Takahashi: a double suicide… it’s a nice idea. But Sachi won’t do it, I know. She’s a strong girl.

“How are you feeling now?”

“I’m fine…”

“Good, and just say it if you aren’t feeling well. Don’t keep it to yourself”

“Okay… I will”

(Some hours later)

This is weird… we’ll be reaching Kyoto in about 20 minutes… and nothing happened. Just to be sure, I’ll wait till we walk out of the train.

14: 44… and I’m standing on the train station… in Kyoto. I’m alive… no wait… SACHI’S ALIVE.

“Sachi, we are alive! WE ARE ALIVEEEEEE!!!”

“Yeah… we are alive… just how scared of trains are you?”

“You won’t understand how happy I am right now”

Takahashi: seriously, after so many restarts, I was able to save her… I guess I will stop looping now… if saving her was the condition. But still, even if I restart, at least I know what to do, Sachi won’t die ever again!

“Okay… I’m going to get a taxi. You go back to Tokyo… will you be fine though? On your own?”

“Yeah, I’ll be fine. Don’t worry”

“Okay… I’ll be going now (Takahashi hugs her)”

“Message me when you reach your apartment safely”

“… I will”

Sachi: wonder what happened to him suddenly… he looks so cheerful now…doesn’t feel like just his fear of trains is gone… something much bigger. Well, if he’s happy, that’s good

“Take care…”

“Bye”

(Months later)

It’s 1st April 2020 tomorrow, Sachi is still alive. Nothing happened to her… now I’m just worried about restarting… was this it? Or do I restart again… if I restart what then? Well, even if I restart, now I know that I have to go to Kyoto with her, that way she lives.

It’s 22: 33 right now, I should go to sleep. I’m more relaxed than last time. I think I’ll wake up normally.