The Seven Wonders +1 (Part 3)

“Now…” Greg asked again, “who’s in!?”

“All I’m interested in,” I said, “is the biggest mystery here of all. Where’d you get that tape?”

“Good question,” Evan added. “This thing is ancient. Where did it come from, anyway?”

“Well actually,” said Greg, “it’s kind of a funny story…”

Just then, as if on cue, there was a knock at the door. Our conversation stopped in its tracks.

“H-hey! What do you think you’re doing?” The voice came from out in the hallway. It sounded mad.

Another voice responded. This one was the exact opposite, perfectly chill despite just being yelled at, like an ice cube playing a sax solo. “O-oh!? Oh snap! My bad. Sorry, Chief. I thought that that was our cue. I mean, what I mean is, you see, if my ears don’t deceive me, they were clearly, evidently, openly talking about the origin of the tape, its source so to speak, which just so happens, as I know you already know, Chief, to be us. And so I figured that now would be as good a time as any to enter, even if uninvited. Speaking of being uninvited, did I ever mention that time my Aunt Laura showed up at my front door one Friday with her seventeen pet lorikeets? It was an overcast afternoon, at around 3:38 if I remember correctly, when I heard the knock at the front door. Oh, I don’t mean to imply this door is a front door like the one Aunt Laura knocked or anything like that. Far from it. We’re about as far from the front of the building as you can get. So, wait. In that case, would this be a back door? A secret entrance? A hidden passage? A zero day exploit? I don’t think there’s any other way into this room though. So in that sense, it is a front door, just the front door to this particular room. Come to think of it, what exactly are front doors in front of anyway? Oh, by the way, speaking of fronts, did I ever tell you about that time Lorry suckered us all into helping out with his money laundering scheme? Yeah, it was crazy, man. I had no idea people were so eager to wash their cash. Shows what I know, huh? We made bank. Oh, right, sorry: Lorry is one of Aunt Laura’s seventeen pet lorikeets. Well, to be honest, there used to be eighteen, but one of them died. Aunt Laura cried her eyes out for days. Shark attacks, man. What a way to go. I mean, seriously, imagine that… succumbing to cancer right as a gaping shark mouth — just row after row of glistening, razor-sharp teeth — engulfs your entire dying body. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention. That’s how Lorry went out. Cancer. The whole shark thing was just a freak coincidence. I still remember its huge fin poking up through the plastic. I tell ya, that was one crazy ball pit. I bet Aunt Laura never went back there. Weird, huh? Oh yeah, know what else is weird? That time when—”

“Enough!” The angrier voice put a stop to the word vomit. Finally. “If we had a cue to begin with, we definitely missed it. Thanks to you.”

“You’re welcome.”

“It wasn’t a compli… I wasn’t trying to… Aw, forget it. What do you say, Ash? Do we make our grand entrance?”

A third voice, one so faint you could hardly hear it, joined the mix. All it said was, “1-Y.”

“That settles it then.”

At that moment, the doors flew open, and, though it would be another minute or two before I realized it, all common sense vacated the room.

A guy wearing glasses, flanked by another guy and a girl, walked in like they owned the place.

The guy in the middle pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose with his middle finger and said, “Is this the office of Wallace Wade, Badass Officer of the Radioactive Equivoque Detectives?”

“Yeah,” said Greg. Come on, dude. Don’t steal my thunder. I wanted to answer that.

“That would be me,” I said. “Can I help you?”

“No.”

“...”

“...”

…

…

“That was a joke,” he said eventually. “Of course you can help us. In fact, there’s something that only you can help us with. Isn’t that right?”

Glasses guy looked to his left and right for validation, and got it.

“Right, chief. You totally said it. Couldn’t have said it better myself, in fact. That’s the chief for you, huh?” the guy standing to his right said.

“1-Y,” the girl standing on his left said again.

Whether terse or verbose, seemed like yes men were still yes men. Though I still didn’t have a clue what “1-Y” meant, or why the quiet girl kept saying it.

“Who are you guys anyway?” I asked.

“Hmph.” Glasses guy let out a “hmph.” An actual “hmph.” He pushed the bridge of his glasses up the bridge of his nose again and said, “On the one hand, we’re glad you asked. Isn’t that right, Red?” He extended a hand, palm turned up and fingers taut like he was grasping an invisible ball, toward the guy on his right.

“Right, Chief,” said the right-hand man with zero hesitation.

“But on the other…” He made the same gesture, this time toward the girl on his left. “...we’re not. Right, Ash?”

“1-Y,” the left-hand lady said. It was clearly her way of affirming what the guy in glasses was saying.

“Well then,” glasses guy said, “I didn’t think an introduction would be necessary, but obviously I was mistaken, so allow me to make one, and to make this simple. I am Edward N. Chief, the editor-in-chief, and we” — he gestured to his two buddies again — “are your new clients.”

The end of The Seven Wonders +1 (Part 3)!
To be continued in Part 4!