The Seven Wonders +1 (Part 5)

Great and Illustrious Committee? Talk about delusions of grandeur. If I ever took an ego trip this huge, I wouldn’t be back for months. Why couldn’t they just call themselves the school newspaper like every other school newspaper in existence did?

“Kind of blowing yourselves out of proportion, aren’t you?” I said.

“Sigh.” The Indelible Legend said “sigh” instead of sighing. “On the one hand, Wallace Wade, tales of your exploits amaze me. But on the other, the man doesn’t quite live up to the legend, does he?”

“No, sir!” the flunkies in file answered all at once, a dozen heels stamping at the same exact second.

Apparently his question wasn’t rhetorical. Though the answer was still a big, fat, depressing “NO,” so what did it matter anyway?

The Indelible Legend pushed his glasses up again. What was so legendary about him, anyway? Heck, I could’ve done what he was doing. Annoyingly pushing his glasses up every two seconds, I mean. Well, if I had glasses anyway.

“Well, in that case,” said The Indelible Legend, “what do you say I make things simple for you, Wallace Wade?”

I nulped. That was a nod and a gulp at the same time. Ok, fine, I’ll stop trying to coin new phrases.

After that, I learned that The Indelible Legend indeed lived up to his nickname. The reason for his lofty title was simple, like he said. The man — and he was indeed a man, not a boy — was indelible, unable to be swept away by any tide, and this made him legendary, especially in the eyes of those who worked on the school newspaper. Edward N. Chief was 19 going on 20, and for the last two years, he had refused to graduate.

“Why?” I asked.

“1,000,” he replied.

“‘1,000?’ 1,000 what?”

“Guess.”

I looked at Greg, then at Evan, like they might have the answer. After all, they’d heard about The Indelible Legend before. But they were as clueless as I was. Which meant it was time for my speciality: the S.W.A.G. That stands for “scientific wild-ass guess,” in case you forgot.

“The amount of dollars you’re gonna pay me for this job?” I said.

“Nice try,” said The Indelible Legend. Hey, it was worth a shot, right?

“The number of days it’s been since Wallace last showered?” Greg guessed, earning him an elbow to the side from me.

Not wanting to be left out, Evan took a stab too. “The amount of Cross Quartz it takes to do a 10 pull in Cross Crash?”

No way that was right.

“Yes, exactly,” said The Indelible Legend. “That’s right.”

Say what!?

“...”

“...”

…

…

“That was a joke.” He pushed up his glasses. Someone please get this man a pair that actually fits. And a better sense of humor while we’re at it.

“Good one, Chief!” right-hand man Red said, fake laughing hard. “Oh hey, speaking of good ones, did I ever tell you about that time I drove my little brother to ice-sculpture league? It was crazy. He made it to interstate, first of all, which was wild. I hardly thought he had it in him. But when I got a good look at the sculpture he made, I finally got it, you know? It was a good one alright. Better than good, even. Great. Well, that was the first time I had ever driven a refrigerated truck, and boy did I learn my lesson. Well, it was more like a refrigerator we tossed in the back of my dad’s old pickup, but same difference, right? Well, I’ll tell ya, that’s the last time I try to stretch 150 miles of extension cord to cover a 200-mile trip. Cutting corners, Chief. Never pays. Take it from me. Anyway, by the time we got there, the fridge had been unplugged for ages and my bro’s piece was a melted puddle. It was a shame too. It looked so much better as a frozen puddle. Oh, right. That’s what the piece was: Rendition in Ice of a Water Puddle on a Rainy Day. Speaking of rainy days, how about this weather lately? This rain has been awful. Global warming, am I right? Almost as bad as that one time my older sister was trying to warm up her drink in the microwave and accidentally set the timer to 45 years instead of 45 seconds. It’s still going. We haven’t been able to use the microwave since. All because she wanted to warm up her Diet Coke. Can you believe that? Oh, right, have I ever told you that, Chief? Her favorite food is warm Diet Coke with Mentos. Speaking of Mentos, do you want some? No? Anyone want one? Going once… twice… Alright. More for me, then. Wow. I am seriously getting turned down right now, huh? Like, some cold shoulder stuff. You know, this is almost like that time in the fourth grade when my third cousin four times removed’s dog kept bringing him, like, dead animals and stuff. Its own prey, random roadkill, those dried lizards and seahorses from that herbal remedy place just around the block from where he used to live. You name it. If it was dead, it was in that dog’s mouth and on my cousin’s heels, 25/8 just about. Too bad for him too. I mean, who wants a bunch of dead stuff? Not me. Not anyone, right? Not my cousin, definitely. But he was always too nice to refuse, you know? Poor guy. Well, one day he had finally had enough and he turned down his dog flat. They didn’t talk to each other for weeks. Which, I mean, duh, right? Not like dogs can spea—”

“Red!” The Indelible Legend snapped. And just in time too. I was just about ready to snap myself if this Red guy had kept running his mouth.

“Chief!?” he yelped.

“What do I keep telling you?”

“Right. Keep it concise. Sorry, Chief.”

Sheesh. Guy’d probably talk till he ran out of air if no one stopped him. I wondered what his newspaper articles looked like.

The end of The Seven Wonders +1 (Part 5)!
To be continued in Part 6!