An Excellent Juggler

I like to think of myself as an optimistic person. I’ve even heard people say that my positive attitude is only rivaled by my beauty, intelligence, generosity, and charisma.

And yet, we’ve reached a point where even I can admit the sad reality of the current situation.

The harem route was most definitely not open.

“Where exactly did things go wrong?”

“From the moment I met you.”

I was trying to ask the rhetorical question, but Eris answered instantly.

“I’d rather you not write me off completely.”

“Actually, things probably started going wrong the moment I met Sanson.”

“Well, at least I’m not your only regret.”

“If I never met Sanson, I certainly never would have met you.”

“So you're willing to remove Sanson if it means getting rid of me?”

I feel like that was an insult, but hearing it made me feel important.

“I would sacrifice every left handed person if it meant getting rid of you.”

“What did they ever do to you? I’m not even left handed!”

“I see. So you haven’t realized it yet.”

“Don’t deliver that line in such a serious way. You won’t trick me. I’m not left handed. At least, I don’t think I am.”

“I’d also sacrifice all of the right handed people, just to make sure.”

“There’d be no one left! Or right!”

“No, I’d survive, and unfortunately so would you.”

“So everyone’s sacrifice was for nothing. Am I actually ambidextrous?”

“No, the opposite. Just like the rest of you, both of your hands are equally useless.”

“Ha. Now I know you’re just messing with me. That couldn’t be true. I’ve often thought I’d make an excellent juggler.”

“And I thought that I had nothing to lose by coming to Valieris.”

“You know, my fourth sense is starting to tell me that something is weighing on you, Eris.”

“All of your senses should be telling you that the burden I can’t shake is you, but I’ll bite. Why is it your fourth sense? I know you are lacking in all ways, but shouldn’t you have more than that?

“Of course I have more than four, but most people only have the main three: a sense of pain, sight, and taste. My fourth sense is my sense that helps me discover hidden truths. And my fifth sense is the sense of satisfaction I get from looking in a mirror. I think my sixth sense is my sense of direction, but it might actually be my seventh.”

“It was foolish of me to even ask. Forget four, you don’t have any sense at all, but here I am, locked up with you.”

Yeah. I hadn’t mentioned it, but Eris and I were currently locked in the Milize city dungeon. And it wasn’t a fun time dungeon like Ane’s. It was a real dungeon. You know, for prisoners and such. There wasn’t even a single guard with the decency to put me on the stretcher.

What were we doing there? Well, that should be obvious. We’d been arrested.

Why had we been arrested? Well, that was slightly less obvious.

I used Ane’s influence to find out where Sanson was staying and made contact with him. He was excited to meet back up with me, but let’s not talk about that now. I know, I know, we haven’t had any male characters take center stage for a while, so I promise my next adventure will involve Sanson or Rakki. Or maybe even Ane’s bodyguard. That guy was cool. There needed to be at least one cool guy.

Anyway.

I had Sanson set up a team meeting. Eris didn’t seem interested in talking with me, but she wouldn’t ignore a party meet up. If she did, she risked Sanson and I making some kind of terrible decision that would affect her as well.

Obviously I then brought Ane to the meet up. That’s around the point in which I would have said something went wrong. In retrospect, it would seem that Ane had ulterior motives for wanting to meet Eris. If I had to guess, I would say that she was the jealous type.

After a single sniff Ane attacked Eris like a bat out of heaven. Now Ane didn’t have much combat training, but her abnormally high level of divinity gave her base parameters a massive boost. Even if she didn’t do it on purpose, her regular punches were infused with holy energy.

After her first swing the walls to the inn were blasted away, and with the second the entire place started to collapse.

And while Eris wasn’t a top mercenary, she was still a mercenary. In reality, both her and Sanson were skilled enough to work while covering for their deficits. Needless to say, she had plenty of combat experience, and wouldn’t go down without a fight.

So they fought.

The longer it went on the more power Ane started to release. It started with punches, but it didn’t take her long to bust out her holy magic. That made Eris stop holding back and start going for the kill. Eventually Sanson got involved in order to stop them.

Hmm? Why didn’t I do anything to stop things? I didn’t think it was necessary. They both liked to get rough, so I figured it was best to let them tire themselves out. As someone who’d been mortally wounded by both of them, I knew neither would die that easily.

Now Sanson wanted to stop the fight, but his involvement only made things more chaotic. Then Ane’s bodyguard decided enough was enough and moved in for the kill.

I figured he had the skill and the temperament to actually cut Eris and Sanson down, so I had to enter the fray to keep him busy. He seemed a little too eager to chop my head off, but I didn’t let that stop me. His sword was moving faster than I could follow with my eyes. I wouldn’t even realize anything happened until my arm or leg would hit the ground.

I’m pretty sure he already knew I was an undead, but he kept slicing me up anyway. Now that I think about it, he definitely had the agility to just slip past me. And yet, he spent the entire time cutting me to ribbons.

This song and dance continued for around twenty minutes or so. Things eventually simmered down when the five of us were surrounded by the city guards.

You’d think all of us would be punished equally, but that’s not how things have worked out so far. The guards instantly assumed that Ane was in the right, but after discussing her recent behavior they decided to take her to the castle for an examination. From what I could gather, they seemed to think that some evil witch had cursed her. Scary stuff.

Ane’s bodyguard didn’t get in trouble at all, so he went with her to the castle as an escort.

That just left Sanson, Eris, and myself. The three of us were arrested, but since Sanson was a noble from a foreign kingdom, he was basically just put on house arrest. We had just destroyed the inn he was staying at, so I’m not sure what house he would be arrested at, but that wasn’t my problem.

Then there were two. Eris and I weren’t nobles or saints, so it made sense to blame most of what happened on us. We were put in chains and sent off like a pair of common criminals. Out of respect for Ane’s position within the city, I decided to not resist arrest. I figured that if things actually started looking bad Eris and I could just break ourselves out.

Although don’t take anything I just said as an admission of guilt. Until I talk to a lawyer I don’t plan on admitting anything.

“You know, Eris, thinking about it, I kind of feel like it's your own fault you’re locked up in here. If anything, for once, I feel like I’m the victim who got swept up in someone else’s antics.”

“That’s a surprisingly high level of self awareness coming from you, but I fail to see how this is anyone’s fault but your girlfriend’s.”

I blushed a bit.

“Do you think we make a good couple?”

“How are you even blushing?”

“Why is that the part you're asking about? Don’t ask questions you know I don’t have the answer to!”

“Those should be my lines.”

“Going back, this was just as much your fault. Ane may have caused more property damage, but it’s your fault that there were so many victims.”

“You can’t blame me. It was her gorilla strength that hurt most of them.”

“Because you kept grabbing people to use as human shields!”

“Listen, we won’t get anywhere playing the blame game. It’s time we think about breaking out of here.” Realizing that she was just as guilty, Eris dangled some bait she knew I couldn’t refuse .

“Sounds like fun. What’s the plan?”

I could have just broken the bars or punched a hole in the wall, but that would have been boring.

“We stick to the classics. We have someone fake an injury and get the guard’s attention.”

“I see. Who should be our actress?”

“I’d like to hurt you for real, but you won’t work. Any injury would heal too quickly.”

“So then you?”

“No, I don’t want to get hurt either.”

“Hmm? Aren’t we just pretending?”

“In theory, but to make it seem believable it would be best to inflict a real wound.”

“Makes sense. So then our only option left is her.”

I pointed to the other prisoner in our cell. She was there when the two of us were thrown in, and she’d been keeping her distance from us the whole time. She said something about not wanting any trouble from the witch that poisoned the saint, but I had no idea what she was talking about.

“Exactly. We could break her legs or something.”

“Great idea! That would definitely get the guard’s attention.”

“Help! Help! Please help me!”

She ran over to the bars and started screaming.

“Yeah, that’s the spirit! I love that you’re already in character, but let us break a few of your bones first. That will really get the guard’s attention.”

“Will you just drop it already?”

The voice was coming from outside of our cell. The prison guard was already standing there.

“Why are you here? We haven’t even broken a single bone yet.”

“I hesitate to say this, but I’m here to let you out. Someone who only identified themselves as ‘little sister’ posted bail for the both of you.”

Way to go little sister! They’ve never met, but she even thought to pay for Eris. I don’t care what anyone thinks. I’ve lost track of how many good ideas I’ve had, but giving that young child all of my money was one of my best.

“Why didn’t you say so sooner? Because of you this poor woman was put under unnecessary stress. How long have you been watching us?”

“From the point when you started singing prison songs.”

“Then say something! You’ve been here since before my narration even started!”

“I mean, I was going too, but you just kept getting weirder and weirder. Even with someone paying to get you out, I’ve been debating whether or not it’s actually a good idea.”

“Sorry about that. After you spend enough time on the inside you start to go stir-crazy.”

“Lady, you and your friend haven’t even been here for an hour.”

I blushed a bit.

“Do we really look like friends?”

“No, seriously, how are you blushing?”