Post 2: Choosing Your Human

The first and most important decision you will make as a pet owner is selection.

Most new owners go to a licensed breeder. With the greatest respect to our visitor from Region 17, I do not recommend it. Breeder humans are soft, obedient, and have the personality of a damp sponge. 

Instead, I recommend a Processing & Detention Facility. This is where the Patrols bring the wild ones living outside the system, which means they have an abundance of personality!

I visited the East Annex facility here in Region 5. The cages are lined up in long rows and crammed with an assortment of bound humans. I found this charming. 

The handler on duty was a low-blood enforcer who went by Gristle (an alias, naturally, and a poor one). As a member of the work sector, Gristle speaks Human, which I am told is very difficult to learn as many of them even speak different sub languages. Imagine that? Either way, they went on and on about their duties and their dislike of cleaning the sewage drains. I don’t blame them.

Some tips for evaluating stock:

Look at the eyes. Cloudy eyes mean sickness. Eyes on the floor means the human is fearful. 

Check the hands. Calluses mean usefulness. Bitten nails mean nerves. Missing fingers means an interesting past.

Listen. Even if you don't understand. The ones that sound like weeping are weeping. The ones that sound like bargaining are bargaining. Tone and gesture, like blood, is universal.

I nearly left with nothing. Aisle after aisle of sobbing, staring, avoidance, and what I can only assume was bargaining. And then, at the very back, under a sign that said CLEARANCE, I saw cage 114.

The tag on the bars was red. Gristle read it out for me. SCHEDULED FOR DISPOSAL. Reason: combative. Prior escapes: four. Bites: "several."

She was crouched in the corner. Scratches all over her arms, a split lip, hair so matted with mud I genuinely could not tell you its color. Her transport collar was too tight and had rubbed her neck raw. According to the file she was roughly thirty-four years old, which in human years is mature and practically vintage! She had survived all ten years since the Ascension on her own, out in the ruins, before the Patrol caught her.

Free-range, as it were.

When I stepped up to the bars, every other human in that aisle looked at the floor.

She looked at my throat.

Then she looked at my hands, the length of my arms (which, I will admit, are long, a fact humans tend to find upsetting), and then back at my face. I could hear her heart beating as fast as a war drum, but despite that fear she didn’t cower. In fact, she seemed hyper vigilant.

Then she spoke. To the untrained ear, Human sounds rather like a goose arguing with a kettle, but even I could tell this was a very committed goose.

I asked Gristle what she had said.

Gristle looked at her. Then looked at me and said, "You don't want to know, sir."

I took this as a compliment. I said, "I want that one."

Gristle said, "Sir, that one's scheduled for euthanasia on Thursday."

I said, "Then it seems I've arrived just in time, as it is Wednesday."

Gristle unlocked the cage. The moment she did, the human woman lunged at her, throwing her whole weight against the door and broke two of Gristle’s fingers in the process. Before the human could run off I grabbed her by the hem of the gown just as Gristle’s fingers grew back into place and made a very satisfying noise.

I paid sixty percent below the listed price. A great deal. Gristle called it a temperament discount. I call it a valued deal.

TIP: Choose the one who looks at you. Anyone can own a pet that obeys. It takes a true connoisseur to own one that you have to train from scratch.

REPLIES

xX_RedRum_Xx u paid money for one that was literally scheduled to be food. lol. That’s not a pet, thats a rescued meal lmao

LaDy_of_darkNess How charitable of you, Seventh. I didn't realize the Fifth Region let its progenitors shop at the clearance aisle.

xXBloodyWristsXx @LaDy_of_darkNess Firstly, I’m all about getting the best value at the best price. Additionally, I also got a temperament discount, which is a recognized category of sale. A great deal for a pet.

~PaWz_n_FaNgZ~ aw sweetie wild ones NEVER behave well 😬 get her spayed asap, it takes the fight right out of them!! i have a litter due in spring if u want a starter human 🐣

GuRl_666 I need to meet them immediately!! Pls upload photos of her in cute outfits!!

xXBloodyWristsXx @GuRl_666 Unknown. Once I get her cleaned up and settled I will upload photos.

MagicalRaven39 She sounds like a handful for a first time owner.

xXBloodyWristsXx @MagicalRaven39. For any lower rank vampire I would probably not recommend, but she can easily be handled by any lankin.