Round 1, Match 2: Gilgameshuu vs T.K. 月狐. T.K. 月狐:

Round 1, Match 2: Gilgameshuu vs T.K. 月狐

Prompt: The New Kid

Participant: T.K. 月狐 (https://www.honeyfeed.fm/u/9164)

I walked into the bar, not knowing what human garbage awaited me. Calling it a bar was honestly an overstatement. The floorboards were creaky, some of the lights flickered, barely any sign of life; for a second, I thought I got the wrong place. I rechecked the card as I have for the last fifteen times the words never changed:

Angel’s Guidance.

I looked up at the letters displayed up top. Yeah, it checks out; if angels lived here, I’d rather go to hell. The bartender feigned ignorance for a while, as if he had something better to do. I could not believe he was making me do this.

Ahem!

Our eyes met then he looked around before talking.

“You look a little young.”

“Get me a Mary—”

“Sorry, but we don’t serve your kind around here, especially minors.”

I couldn’t tell if he was serious or he wanted this game of charades to continue. There is only one reason a dark-skinned male would ever enter a white establishment, especially one like this, is if they were invited. I mean, look around; there’s no one here. The bartender went back to cleaning dirty old glasses until I placed the card on the table.

“You didn’t let me finish. Get me a Virgin Mary.”

His eyes grew wide as if it was a surprise to him that someone would ask for that. Or maybe he was more surprised that I came in here for that, but the man reached under the table for whatever reason. Then a familiar voice came out from the back.

“Hey Charles, can you stop being a little bitch and let him in already.” The bartender pulled his hand away from the table and muttered something about never having any fun, and then pointed at the crooked door. The hinges were busted, and multiple bullet holes decorated it.

“You heard her; just go right on ahead.”

“And that’s Boss to you!”

“You heard the Boss.”

I felt a little bad for Charles having to deal with someone half your age and, even worst, respect them as a superior. I can see why he wants to have some fun, even at my own expense. As I walked past him, I could’ve sworn I heard a racist slur. Well, fuck you too, Charles.

The back room was just storage room filled with boxes a round poker table, and couple of foldable chairs. I couldn’t help but laugh at the cheesiness of it all; it even had the slow-moving ceiling fan. This was supposed to be the Mafia. This is what the Capones were reduced to.

“See told ya he’d love it.”

“I don’t think that’s his intention Boss.”

“…”

The silent one that’s BM short for big mouth, he got that name because, well, you guessed it, he had a big mouth; supposedly Sonny didn’t like it too much especially when he chatted to the wrong crowd. Let’s just say he’s still a big mouth; he just doesn’t use words to express it. BM scooted away from me once I took a seat…Dick. The other guy the phat one, and yeah he emphasizes the PH for some reason; Phat Tony seemed play kind of the advisor role to the boss. I looked over at her, the white-haired wannabe Capone, the “boss” of this “family. I wouldn’t have believed it if it wasn’t for the fact, I’ve seen her kill and I’ve seen the money she possessed. I knew that this was the only way to get what I wanted, even if I had to be the new kid.

“So, you came. A little bit later than I would have hoped. I like my puppies to be decisive.”

“Burying my parents take time.” I couldn’t help but adding. “Thanks to you.”

Creek!

BM moved further from me, once again he’s a dick.

“Blame yourself kid,” She took out a cig and BM moved to light it. “For sticking your nose in other people’s business”

She had a point I broke rule number 1: Keep yer nose clean. 

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Judge's Feedback

znf: Liked the ending and the voice. Feel like you could have strung the theme through the entirety of the short more. Talking about the new kid at every step of his movement through the bar. We don't really get the gist of the context until the end, and I feel like that makes the beginning seem very irrelevant.

OscarHM: Tried to tackle some subjects really briefly that warrant a bit more finesse. A bit hard to read in parts, the bit about the MC ordering the virgin Mary doesn't make sense, unless it's meant to be a conscious pivot from the MC, in which case it's not communicated. It doesn't feel like a cohesive piece, more time is spent setting up the barman than the main character and by the end I feel I know very little about anyone involved. Also Phat Tony.

otkrlj: Liked it overall. the aura of suspense and the realism factors are both constructed well. I feel like , it feels like were missing some info, and can be hard to keep track of what is going on at times