Chapter 3:

A Certain Discovery 1

If I Had the Chance!


Lethargic lenses show blurry visions as my interests obscure all other features in my surroundings. Passing mirages for the most part, all parts of this sickening reality are ignored when I try to interpret a simple form of pleasure. My eyes are glued to my book and trace each line down their course. One page unto the next, I find pleasure in this fantasy. My preferred reality.

I do not know what it is about books, but they are far more interesting than reality, or at least I tend to find. I realize some form of humility from the heroes that these tales tell of, so I wonder if it is me in the end and end up agreeing.

It is an awkward relation, me and life. If you were to stare at me from a distant, you would simply find that I seem to be doing well for myself. Dressed, and serious, the embodiment of a scholarly student. I don't find as many issues with those more mechanical parts of life. I understand their rules and play by them. The issue comes though less with the mechanics and more the aesthetics and other characters.

Glancing up from the book for just a second, I search for examples. That school girl over there, 2 rows down, simply staring at her phone. Her uniform suggests a high schooler and with the fortune of youth on her side, she is sure to have something going for her. But that is just it, in comparison to the fantasies I read, reality does not have that sparkle.

While immoral in more ways than one, if I were to read some random teen manga, that girl over there would be surrounded by flowers and sparkles that would obscure but enhance her appearance. There is a romance to fantasy that I do not find in reality, nor do I find myself naturally able to apply it.

A sort of disconnection that I fear that I can only blame myself for. It wouldn’t make sense to blame anyone else for it. There was no injury, no traumatic event. Only a curse of a blessing. She didn’t do me any wrong; the world is cruel even if it isn’t its fault.

An easy way to describe my scenario would be to say that I now have too high of expectations, but this easy out is just that, an easy out. What I am currently afflicted with is far more complex than something like pride or pickiness.

I am incapable.

When we have simple expectations we many times do not hold them wholeheartedly; they are more of our conscious biases. Because of this we are able to find those moments where these biases are weaker. Show them something that is enjoyable that goes against their list of prerequisites, but hide these features. This would usually show that it is simply a conscious preference.

Mine though is far more ‘consistent’. I have tried to figure this out a bit more myself and have even talked to some therapist. They did not prove themselves to be of any real use.

Preferences cannot be changed, but not all of them are within reasonable measures. Near no one can find themselves finding themselves attracted to someone excessively ugly, cruel, or vicious. Same thing when it comes to animals, objects, and things that are not related to the fields of romance or attraction. And when these cases are to come to the light, we find that they are representations of mental disorders, illness, and a series of other aberrant forms of thinking.

There is no sense in being with someone who hurts you.

There is no sense in being with someone who doesn’t love you.

There is no sense in being with someone that you don’t love.

There is no sense in being with someone that isn’t real…

That is how my issue can be described. She isn’t real. It wasn’t always like this, but for probably the last 5 years, during the summer before my first year of high school, I found myself enchanted and cursed. 

Bubbles
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If I Had the Chance!


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