Pruning and Growing, Waiting and Hoping

Tamane Matsuzaka wasn’t used to the warmth that was provided to her every night. She felt it wasn’t right to feel so happy at the cost of lives that she herself ended with her own hands even though twenty-five years had already passed. That's why, seeing the world from another perspective, helped her from time to time.

She strolled through the streets where humans and Arcadian Beings now shared in peace and harmony, something that was achieved after much commitment and hard work. However, that caused her transient existence to be like a mirage in the eyes of others. The weight of the world was on her shoulders when she lost her beloved companion, Aim, as well as causing Ouka who was slowly becoming more than a close friend, to go through an inexplicable number of post-traumatic stress disorders.

After all, had it not been for Tamane's existence, Ouka would never have experienced the loss, which at the time she thought was permanent and not temporary, of her brother Riku. She could have singled her out, hated her, ostracized her, but Ouka would just reach out and hug her to make Tamane's own fears disappear.

That cost her dearly as she grew up.

Tamane learned about the therapies from Shinobu’s own mouth.

That's why, twenty-five years later, she doesn't find it fair that Ouka never smiled again as brightly as before, that Shinobu's passion for the arts vanished and his dreams were shattered. But being selfish, so selfish, Tamane believed that ending her life would be the solution to atone for her sins in this world.

So why, oh why, was she in this dead-end limbo after marrying Shinobu Sonozaki?

Tamane could see herself on a hospital gurney, sleeping in a deep induced coma to prevent her from drowning in her own hallucinations. Shinobu visited her every day, writing poems that he used as paper shadows to hide his pain. Ouka was also there, her cinnamon irises reflecting a kind of bitter pain. Tamane didn't understand what it meant, did she hate her?

You see, as much as we are twenty-five years in the future, now it's time to go back twenty years into the past.

Shibonu and Tamane became more than close friends by always going to see Ouka at the hospital. Shinobu out of love from his heart; Tamane out of pure selfishness. Selfishness for thinking that if she visited her, she would be able to get invisible forgiveness.

“But what beautiful flowers you have brought today," Ouka smiled one day when only the three of them were in the room designated for her. “They’re lovely”.

From the cluster in the vase, there were delicate, slender branches, exactly six in number, with four different colours of petals: purple, pink and white.

Tamane swore she saw those colours coming from the bandages on Ouka's wrists.

“We thought it would add a little more life to this white room," Shinobu replied, taking a seat.

“How are your studies coming along?” asked the brunette subtly.

“So far so good, I think studying literature is my natural calling.”

“You have always been such a poet and unbearable gallant," replied Ouka jokingly, "You always knew how to answer every love confession in the best way without breaking the heart of the ravishing damsel.”

“Come on, it's not that big of a deal.”

“Shinobu-san, I don't think that was a compliment," Tamane muttered.

Yes, there was hidden complicity between Ouka and Tamane, except that the scarlet-eyed girl was unable to understand why. After all, she was the cause of this mess. Ouka shouldn't look at her as an equal. She should see her as an insect.

“Really, onee?”

“Don't call her that, it's kind of repulsive," Ouka smiled. “Repulsive in the sense that I get chills down my spine, by the way.”

“One can't even make a joke anymore without being judged.”

Tamane laughed.

Wait a second, she shouldn't be doing that. Ah, as always, Ouka was bringing light to her knowing how sunken she was in her own darkness. She was supposed to be encouraging her, not the other way around.

At that time twenty years ago, little by little, both teenagers fell into the sweet temptation of love. However, it was not in the pure way that everyone expects. After all, the doctors had just broken the news that Ouka had again self-injured herself after a sound and visual hallucination: one of Riku dying. As much as her brother had been right there by her side telling her he was alive, breathing, hugging her, it wasn't enough for Ouka.

“A few days ago she was fine!” Shinobu hit the wall of the empty hospital.

“It's all my fault.”

“It's not, Tamane. Your attitude doesn't help either.”

“What else do you want me to say...?”

“The doctor said that any word could have been a trigger. Even a dream. It's impossible to know. So don't say that again, at least not in front of me.”

“I'm sorry.”

“And there you go again, apologizing everywhere you go.”

Tamane bit her lips. On the inside, Shinobu's words hurt her, although, on the outside, she received them as a sweet but bitter medicine that healed her in a toxic way. She was always apologising, blaming herself for everything, yes. That was Tamane Matsuzaka. For such reason, she didn't know why the following words came out of her mouth.

“Shinobu-san, you can take it out on me.”

“Excuse me?” His sky-coloured eyes scanned her, pretending not to understand what the girl meant.

“I'm your girlfriend, Shinobu.”

Tamane walked, trembling, closer to Shinobu in order to hold on to his abdomen.

He pressed his fist harder against the wall.

He knew perfectly well what she was talking about, satisfying carnal desires just to feel less empty in all the stress that enveloped them. In that shadow that was growing every day, little by little, looming over them.

“Gazing at your back is no longer enough," Tamane whispered.

Shinobu turned around, his head ceasing all function.

He grabbed her around the waist, pulling her close against his chest. His hand slid gently through her hair, as he looked at her in a way he had never looked at a girl before. His eyes were candles that night, his light a spark of passion and desire. As a small but teasing smile crept across her face, goosebumps covered his skin, not the kind you get in the cold, but the kind that occurs when nothing else matters except right here, right now.

As much as that moment was the least of it, both of them sank into their own misery and pain regarding the light of their lives.

Tamane wondered why Ouka's suffering had been the trigger for their union to take place.

That night, under worn-out sheets and a third-rate mattress, their outpourings came without warning and ended explosively, like a bombshell.

Unfortunately, that became a tradition, so to speak, after every visit, when it was allowed of course, to Ouka. And Tamane knew, knew perfectly well that Ouka knew about her dark deeds. That her suffering caused love and passion in a twisted way. However, she pretended ignorance and so did Tamane.

From that day on, Tamane lost her dreams like all the petals of the flower that she brought to the hospital.

They both knew that love was not what had sprouted, but, rather, within that love that was forming, degenerated into something known as lust.

“Lust can be fun," Shinobu mentioned two months later once Tamane wanted to face the facts, "Don't you have a good time? Your body doesn't lie, you know.”

“I'm not saying it's not, but where does it lead to? What's its purpose?” She whispered without admitting or denying the last thing he said, "Can this be called love? It’s simply not possible. It has become…”

“Pity sex, eh.”

“Don't put it that way, sounds crude.”

“But it's the truth. We sink into our own misery and the only way out of that pain is through lust.”

“At this rate, we wouldn't be a couple, but lovers or friends with benefits.”

“Maybe.”

“Still, I like this scenario” Tamane extended her hand towards Shinobu's hand.

“So do I.”

The grip became tighter.

“I'm a horrible person,” trying not to cry, Tamane lifted her face.

“We both are,” Shinobu opened the door to his room. “Escape with me.”

It was like a drug. One-touch and drunkenness was instantaneous. Whatever they wanted to do is what they would do and there was nothing they could do to stop it, though it was obvious they did not want to. Only their scents sent them into an intoxicating trance, one that doesn't end until their bodies are still once again, just warm and snuggled as close as two souls can be.

Two broken souls.

With the door closed, each simulation falls. The mask they show the world melts and all they want is to penetrate each other's brains. Each kiss has a raw intensity: rapid breathing, faster heart rate. Then, before you know how it happened, already naked, and their skins move smoothly, like the finest silk. He feels his hand enter from below moving quickly, their tongues entwined in a kiss, and then he's inside, shifting Tamane's breathing with each thrust, hearing synchronized moans in her body.

Then suddenly he stops and kisses from her breasts to her stomach, his hands light; then he licks and uses his fingers all at once, watches her reaction, feels her legs move, watches her body squirm. He tells her he'll make her beg for it and only lets out a moan, unable to articulate a response.

“You love it when I take it out on you like this, don't you?”

Within seconds he's back inside Tamane, penetrating her even stronger, enough to intoxicate her mind before stopping again. If she wants to beg, he'll have to stop time for her brain to start working again.

And so it went on and on, an absurd tradition, so to speak, of sinking her aches and pains in pleasure as each day Ouka's eyes grew cloudier, no matter how much the news that she would soon be released from the hospital reached her ears.

They went to visit her as usual, buying the same flower so that the vase wouldn't be empty.

“I don't hear or see the hallucinations anymore," Ouka confirmed with a smile.

“Ouka!!!” Shinobu hugged her, trying not to let the joy come out like tears from his eyes. “You made it. I knew you were strong, all this time…”

“Congratulations," added Tamane, hesitantly.

“I feel like I would have lost my mind if you two didn't visit me so often. Everyone did, but you two coming every single day was almost like a ritual," said with a giggling laugh the chestnut-haired girl who was being suffocated by Shinobu's tight embrace. “If you don't let go, my hair will make your nose itch.”

“I'm sorry," the blond withdrew, pretending that not a single drop of salty water had come from his eyes, "Do you plan to cut your hair when you’re discharged?”

“I don't think so, I've grown fond of this longer style.”

“It looks beautiful on you,” Tamane blurted out, always letting her guard down under the beauty of that light that made her sink deeper and deeper into her own darkness.

“You flatter me, Tamane. Maybe you can give me some advice on how to take care of it.”

“Oh, no, no," she shook both hands in embarrassment. “Hinari-san would be better at giving you tips since she has had her hair in every imaginable style!”

Ouka only replied with another silent smile.

That smile still haunts her twenty-five years later, being a wandering spirit.

Yes, Tamane, as the years passed, never sought to talk about the subject, the guilt or the pain that all those events caused her. She even wondered if her love for Shinobu was real or just some consolation between the two of them to carry their sins. However, a small presence had made its way into the Sonozaki-Matsuzaka household that made her doubt every day.

It was an eight-year-old, black-haired, blue-eyed girl: Miyoi.

That was why she cried, cried seeing Shinobu and his daughter visit her every day in the hospital together with Ouka, just as the two of them used to do in the past.

By all the deities of Japan, Tamane had been stupid enough to even think of double suicide by not being capable of holding it anymore and wanting to take Shinobu with her, but, she couldn't help but think how lonely Miyoi would be. Although, in a small corner of her little heart, when she watched Shinobu, Ouka and Miyoi, she felt a beautiful bond forming between the two of them.

Tamane was walking down the streets again, following them.

The three of them entered a family restaurant to refresh themselves, it was the beginning of summer after all.

The scene she saw made her think that maybe it was the right thing to leave this world for good. She never managed to shake off the guilt of Ouka's condition, not knowing if her marriage with Shinobu was out of love or simply dependence, and even Miyoi's existence made her believe that this child would be better off under the care of a better mother.

Definitely, all her dreams had been lost.

Nevertheless, she hoped that something similar would happen between Ouka and Shinobu as it had happened years ago with them. That love would be born from their closeness.

No.

Nothing.

It pained her to see them being friends without Shinobu getting the better of her.

She thought she deserved it.

She was in a similar position, just like Ouka before, karma had to get to her somehow, didn't it?

She went back to seeing herself sleeping in the hospital, wishing she could turn off the machine and euthanize herself somehow.

Looking at her profile, she noticed that she hadn't changed much. Her hair was not beautiful like Ouka’s, she was still somewhat blind from nearsightedness and astigmatism, as well as a not so developed body. She didn't understand how Shinobu could have found something so pathetic attractive.

Ouka was the opposite of her, even Tamane was attracted to her.

Therefore, she, being in limbo meaning she could return to life whenever she wished, did not do so. She would try to distance herself from those days when she would meet Shinobu in Ouka's hospital room, only this time, the other way around. If she spent more time in an induced coma, maybe Ouka and Shinobu would get tired of visiting her, lessen their presence, devote more time to Miyoi, and be the family everyone deserved except Tamane herself.

Still, she found herself saving Shinobu's words that he threw into the trash can every night. Since their incident happened, the blond hadn't written again just as he had with Ouka's, except this time he ran and ran. Tamane would unfold the writings every morning, only for Shinobu to think it was little Miyoi's work.

Likewise, Tamane treasured her daughter's shoes by always seeing them inside the house. Two pairs of shoes that were sometimes three and, selfishly, she wanted them to be four.

Four?

Ouka was important to her. You could say... yes, it was true.

“So this is what it feels like… loving two people at the same time. It doesn't feel so bad.”

Tamane wished she could convey courage to Ouka and Shinobu through an invisible lawless canvas.

She wished Miyoi's drawings, where the family was a family of four and not three, would come true.

But Tamane knew she was not allowed to dream such fantasies. She felt like that flower in that bygone era. Perhaps, that flower that always watched over Ouka was her in a way. No, she was having nonsensical thoughts.

The time God had given her began to move, as the gentle ticking of a grandfather’s clock.

“I wonder, how long do I have left?”

After all, as much as she could walk freely in a transparent dimension, and have the means to choose to stay or go, it wasn't infinite. But still, taking it easy didn't feel wrong. The voices of the three people she loves most echoed both pain, laughter and bitterness.

That distance she marked became tender for Tamane.

“Will it be okay if I cry?” she asked in the void, knowing she would get no answer.

That's why she did it. She was always a crybaby.

It is her tears that keep her soul alive in the furnace of this pain. They cannot extinguish what has been, yet they only carry her forward until a time comes when that stinging pain is distant enough to forget rather than remember, and maybe someday it will be erased from her mind. So maybe it's an oddity to be grateful for her tears and be proud to cry, but if that's what saves her from becoming a monster, a person indifferent to suffering and sadness, then crying is the smartest thing she could do.

It gushed like water from a dam, spilling down her face. She felt the muscles in her chin tremble like a little girl and looked down at her unconscious self as if the light that visited her could calm her. There is static in her head once again, the side effect of this constant fear, the unchanging stress she lives with. She hears her own sounds, like a distressed baby, raw from the inside. It brings out something in her that she didn't know she had left to give. That's how it is when people are hard. It's like theft of the spirit, an injury no other person can see.

Wrapped up in those days of just melancholy visiting Ouka's room, what she protected was her weeping heart. But as she got to know Shinobu more, as she helped heal Ouka, she came to know the light and gave colours to her dreams, who were now named Miyoi.

Dreams she was no longer allowed to have.

She remembered those nights of lust or maybe love, with Shinobu. She wasn’t used to that heat. Spoiled and inept, she asked to please wait for her. Ouka would always reach out to her, Shinobu would push her back in encouragement, Miyoi would light her way.

In this tale that God has woven, it's okay even if Tamane isn’t the protagonist.

Because reflected in Shinobuu's eyes is a movie theatre just for Tamane.

Is thinking "I want to be the heroine" not like her? Tamane always knew that Ouka and Shinobu were something incomprehensible and transcendent. She knew that this unison between them was mystical, unique and special. Oh, how envious she was of them. Even so, she was able to enter that circle in the worst possible way, causing Ouka trauma.

At that time, she became the heroine in Shinobu's world. The person she could depend on. The one she could talk to because her love for Ouka was the same.

Like the smell of the spider flower they always brought to the hospital, it sprouts, like destiny.

“Our meeting has been dictated by fate, from here, and from now on let's play out countless dreams," she said to herself, coming to a realization.

She wanted to live. She had to atone for her sins after all.

She wanted to walk together with Ouka and Shinobu, in a bright and irreplaceable time.

Reflected in Tamane's eyes, there was a cinema just for them.

Yes, a sparkling miracle.

The time God gave her was slipping away, and she wondered how much time she had left.

But still, taking it easy is fine too.

Their voices make echoes.

That distance now is too tender for me, so is it okay if I cry?

“I always want to be by their side.”

Tamane Sonozaki opened her eyes at 2:43 AM on July 26th after regaining her dream.

❀

Sometimes, Miyoi Sonozaki was asked why she drew a family of four. She would only reply that she thought it was strange to draw a family of three. If hers was happy, that was enough for the little girl.

She liked the stories her father told her.

She loved the caresses her mama gave her.

She loved the light her other mum provided.

Yes, having two mothers and a dad was normal for her, but knowing that her family was pure happiness since Tamane smiled was enough. She didn't feel her suffering in the shadows, didn't hear her vent in pain every night.

Ouka had brought light to her dad and mum, so Ouka was now her mum too.

Ever since she left that white building, Tamane's smile was more radiant.

For Miyoi, happiness was simple. It's hugs with her mums and playing pretend with her dad, it's an uplifting bedtime story and the knowledge that her birth mother has life. Food is always available and she has a comfortable bed. She has friends to play with. They walked in the woods and splashed in the stream. Miyoi didn't care what time it is unless she is hungry. Sure, she would get mad when they couldn't understand her world. Sometimes she screws up her face and stomps her feet, turns red and waves her hands, but her tantrums don't look pretty either, not that you ever see them, of course.

Tamane wanted to learn from her to be happy again, she wanted to see the world through her eyes. If you showed Miyoi a golden coin or a kitten and asked her to pick one, she would take the cat every time. There's a pearl of simple wisdom there and she loves it.

As simple as Ouka and Shinobu's hands intertwined with hers.

The nights when she would let herself be consumed by pleasure from both of them in separate ways.

Tamane loved Shinobu.

Tamane loved Ouka.

Ouka loved Tamane.

Shinobu loved Tamane.

She learned that there was no need to atone for a sin that never existed. That those beasts in her head were just hallucinations of something she couldn't control.

This time, they would heal all three of them, and not one by one.

Her reality wasn't as bad as she imagined once she woke up.

After all, they were family.