All Women Are Like This

Despite being the victim of a vicious verbal assault and clearly acting in self-defence, I was confined to my living quarters for the remainder of the day. ‘Disorderly conduct’ was the reason given for my imprisonment. I’ll fucking show them disorderly con- As a result, I had cost myself valuable hours in the quest to conquer Hachitama’s dream.

It did give me time to think, however. Over the course of the last two days, it had become clear to me that Japanese women were built somewhat different. It wasn’t going to be as simple as it was back home, where I could let my good looks carry me straight to the centre of every woman’s heart. In fact, I had begun to believe that all Japanese women were secretly lesbians. At the very least, grant me that it was reasonable to assume that every girl attending Yūkan must’ve swung the wrong way.

That sounded bad.

Let me be clear; I am not homophobic. If two guys want to blow each other's brains out, that’s no business of mine. In fact, I have received confessions from a great number of men over the years, and I’ve always been courteous enough to put just as much effort into rejecting them as any girl. The demonization of the GBT community sickens me as much as the numerous state-sponsored overthrowings of democratically elected governments in Central and South America did. It’s some fucked up, nasty shit.

My problem is with girls who like other girls. It’s such a waste of a woman to become infatuated with anyone other than me. Proudly, I can say that I have ‘helped’ a number of lesbians discover their latent bisexuality, only to reject them when they admitted it. To be clear, this is not to say that every lesbian woman is in truth bisexual, I don’t believe that at all. It’s just that every lesbian has a thing for me specifically.

Right. Where were we? Ah yes; the case of Hachitama Mahou.

An entire afternoon left alone in my room with no pornography gave me enough time to concoct a plan of action. Going after Hachitama directly was not the play, I reasoned. At least not until I found out the cause of that attitude she was carrying around. Shizuko had let it slip that there was some history in The Dreamer’s Club that went way back. Now Shizuko was never going to play ball with me on that, she had a vested interest in me not joining The Dreamer’s Club, for some reason. Motoko and Kaname seemed much more open to me, especially the latter. I decided that I’d go after her first.

“Hey there Melomelo! How did you get into my room?”

It was shocking how much energy Kaname managed to muster despite me only shaking her awake moments prior.

“I need to ask you some questions.”

“Can you let me sit up first?”

“I don’t see why not.”

I got up off of Kaname’s (curiously flat) chest and she sat up in her bed. She was wearing a sleek pink nightgown, the same colour as her hair.

“Ok so-”

“Oi!”

“-I wanted to ask-”

“Oi!”

“Can you stop that?”

“Why are you going straight to the questions? We haven’t even introduced ourselves.”

I know Kaname’s name now, of course, but at the time, I hadn’t yet asked for it. I only remembered her by her (top grade) looks and had only found her room through trial and error.

“Can’t we just skip introductions?”

“Hmmmmmmmmm…”

Kaname put her thumb and index finger together and brought it to her beautiful lips. After thinking about it for slightly too long, she answered me.

“I don’t see why not!”

Really, that easy? I had thought but I would come to learn (unfortunately) that there was nothing easy about Nagisa Kaname.

“I wanted to talk to you about Hachitama-san.”

“Oh yeah, she’s a robot.”

“Haha, she is a bit, isn’t she? What else can you tell me?”

“Ummmmmm, she has blonde hair. And blue eyes. I really like her blue eyes, don’t you?”

“I was thinking less about her body [for once] and more about her past.”

“Oh yeah. She has one of those.”

“Do you think you could… tell me about it?”

“I asked her about her past once and she was all like ‘better not tell you now' and when I asked her again the next day she was like ‘my reply is no’. There’s just no getting something out of her when she doesn’t want to talk! She’s a robot!”

“Wait so you don’t know about her past?”

“Nope! I only met her for the first time 3 weeks ago! One time she got really mad at me because she saw I hadn’t activated my windows licence. No matter how many times I told her I didn’t need to, she just kept pointing at the icon for activation!”

“Well I kind of get her point, having that icon permanently etched in the corner of your screen can be really frustrating, ruins what you’re watching sometimes. Now you might argue that were pornographers doing their job correctly, the action wouldn’t be happening in the bottom right corner, but I would disagree. There’s a certain allure to me about the authenticity of having the camera off centre, a big empty space to the left of the connected souls. It reminds me, in my most vulnerable moments, that we are infinitely small in the face of infinity.”

“What?”

“Anyway, who should I ask about Hachitama?”

“Try Shizuko-tan, she’s known Hacchan for, like, ever.”

“OK. Great idea, I like that one. But let’s say I had to ask someone else.”

“Why would you have to ask someone else?”

“Here’s a tip for you Kaname-chan, if you ever need to ask somebody something, ask a second person as well. That way, you can compare their answers to see if one of them is lying.”

“Wow! That sounds so smart.”

I was becoming increasingly aware that the sun was rising outside so I wanted to end this conversation quickly. It’s always difficult to sneak out of a room without the cover of darkness.

“Kaname-chan, focus. If I had to ask someone else, who would it be?”

“Probably Motoko. She and Hacchan went to middle school together.”

I was so relieved that it was Motoko. Of course, the possibility of it being someone I hadn’t yet met would’ve been a minor annoyance but nothing more than that. What I’d really feared was the possibility that the ‘we’ in Shizuko’s inadvertent clue had included Dareku. That man was a monster, I could tell because I was a monster myself.

“Thank you Kaname-chan, that’s all I need for tonight.”

I turned to exit back through the window but Kaname grabbed me by the arm.

“Hey! It’s rude to leave without a goodnight kiss.”

“Dawn is breaking, I must go.”

“Ok! Ok! No kiss. This time. But at least rub my head.”

Kaname presented her head to me like a horny cat. I could already hear the students in nearby rooms getting out of bed, I needed to make my move fast. I planted my right hand right on that bitches head and just went for it. Rubbing, petting, I even started scratching that shit.

“Prrrrrrrrr.”

“Yeah, you like that?”

“Prrrrrrrrrrrrrr.”

“Please don’t purr, it’s ruining the moment.”

“Oh, sorry.”

After I don’t know how long (I lost track of time, I got really into the character of someone who likes treating women like they’re a pet), I remembered that I still had my entire life to live.

“Kaname-chan, I have to go. They’re going to come looking for me.”

“It’s fine, I understand.”

“Don’t tell anyone I was here.”

“Only if you come again.”

Maybe not all Japanese women.

“OK fine. After I’ve helped Hachitama achieve her dream, I will return. Goodbye, Kaname-chan.”

“Goodbye, Melomelo.”

With that, I backflipped out of Kaname’s window and cracked my neck on the pavement below.