Giving my other self the perfect ideal youth, As the perfect childhood friend next door that had never exited in my past life.
Oh, youth does wonderful but short years. Yes, youth the years of adolescence, the years of love, the years of the first times. The years when boys become men and girls become women.
Well, there are also some who decide to change their gender during those times as they don’t feel like they fit into the gender that they have been assigned at birth. so not all boys become men and not all girls become women. and then there are also the people who don’t feel like they fit in either of those two genders and decide to identify as neither of those two, But that’s not what am here to monologue about, is it. Yes, well first of all am not really well versed in the field of gender studies and such and second, and yes second…. Am just going off-topic again, aren’t I?
well yes, let's get back to the topic at hand.
Oh, youth does sweet wonderful but short years. Celebrated throughout the world through different media and genres. From the many high school romance novels to the teenage break-up song, the coming-of-age movies, and the many different anime romcoms that are usually almost all ways set in high school. But why do celebrate and remember does sweet short yes. Yes, why do we care so much for those short few years that are often just a small percentage of the years we live in our greater lifetime. Yes, because those years are the years that set up where we often end up. When you look back to those times, you can see why you are where you are and why you are the way you are.
Well, you can also say and see the same things if you look back at your childhood. And it’s also arguably a more important stage of development than your youth and your teenage year are. As those years …….
Dammit, am going off-topic again.
But yes, because youth are years when we feel our strongest emotion. Why we feel our strongest emotions during those years has something to do with the amygdala and different hormones we release during those times, I think, am not really certain though. But am not going to go into that now mostly because I don’t want to get off topic again and because I really don’t know to be honest. But its thanks to those strong feelings and emotions that we feel during that time, is why so many of us create our greatest and longest-lasting memories during those short years. Yes, Those strong memories that last until the day you die. But another reason we form those strong memories at that age is because that age is the age of the first. The age when we experience many of those great firsts in life. the first love, the first date, and the first kiss. Those first are often the great memories of youth that celebrate and holds so fondly. And it’s also why I went on this great big ramble about youth.
As I want to tell you about one of these first, yes about one of my first.
About the first time, someone confessed to me.
it was during a spring evening during my second year in middle school. the sky was orange as the sun was starting to set. I was still in school as the night had started to slowly approach. I had just recently ended my football(the one with the ball and not the egg ) practice with my middle school team and was on my way home. everyone else had already left and I was the only one left the campus. during that time it was usual for me to be the last one still on the school ground during the late hours of the day. as I would always wait until everybody else was already finished showering and changing before entering the locker room. it was mostly a precaution to try to avoid the locker room talk that the boys usually had in there. yeah, I was not the most sociable guy during those times, I was kind of a loner always trying to keep my social interactions to a bare minimum. so avoiding the locker room talk was one of my top priorities. And as I just lived a short walk away from school also meant that I didn´t have to worry about missing the train or bus as some of the other boys did. why I didn't just change at home instead of waiting until everybody else was done and then entering taking a shower and changing is something that I still don't quite understand. but it was thanks to this weird way of think trying to minimize as much social interaction as much possible. that was what often led me to be the last student to leave the school grounds. it´s also what led me to almost have no friends during most of my middle school years. well at the time I didn´t see a problem with that but that loner mentality would later come back and bite me in the ass when a grew older.
but as I made my way to the school's front gate to make my way home. I was stooped right before exiting the gate and a little after I had passed the main school building. as during that moment, someone had caught the sleeve of my left arm and was refusing to let go. a small quiet feminine voice came from behind me just at the moment my shirtsleeve had been caught.
"please wait "
" for just a moment please "
even though I couldn't hear what she said at times thanks to her words sounding like whispers, but It was pretty obvious to me what she wanted, she wanted me to stop.
and as I stopped, I looked back to see who it was that wanted to stop my walk home. and as I looked back saw her, there was a short girl around 150 cm standing there with both of her arms reaching out holding on to my shirt's left sleeve as hard as she could while looking down at the ground. she had short black hair that was glistening at the time thanks to the sunlight that was reflecting from it. on her, she had a pair of black-rimmed glasses and she was wearing our middle school standard light blue uniform. a light blue blazer with a light blue short skirt and a light blue tie with a white shirt under the blazer. it was the same uniform as the boy's well except for the skirt, of course. many of the girls in school used customized their uniforms as the school dress code wasn't that strict and was rarely enforced. but she had chosen to keep it nice and simple. even tho I could not see her face at the time I could already tell who it was. There was the only person I knew who fit all of those characteristics I had mentioned. and that was a girl that I didn't really know. I knew who she was of course but we weren't close so why she stopped me was a kind of a mystery to me at that time.
"Please wait, just a for a little bit," she said this time with a much louder voice but she was still looking down as she was too nervous to look me in the eyes, but she at least let go of my sleeve.
"just if you can of course. if you have to go I understand but if you have time could I just take a short moment of it to ask you something ?"
"well I guess could do that If it's just for a short while guess, well my dinner is probably already cold so I can probably extend that short while to a just a while if it's really needed "
the girl gave a small chuckle to the response I had given her, it also seemed to have helped as subsided a bit of her nervousness as well as she finally looked up at me, a small cute face with big light brown eyes met my face as she looked up.
the girl who had stopped me was as I had said before a girl that I really didn't have a lot of contact with and didn't really know but we had some interaction with her before at least. her name was ann well anna as ann was just a nickname that I usually called her as at the time there was another anna that I knew. she was a member of our school's literature club or was it the library committee? or maybe it was both?. but I remember that she was a member of something to do with books at least, the first time I had met her was in the school library. there we had met and had started talking, I don't exactly remember how it started but remember that we had somehow started talking about different anime and mangas and the stories that we liked.
I usually went to the library during recess and breaks mostly to get away from the classroom that became full of hustle and bustle during those times and to try to avoid my classmate so I wouldn't get involved in the awkward small talk and conversations that I sometimes got unwillingly involved in when I was there. now that I look back at it a bit, I probably had had more interactions with her than I had previously remembered. it was probably thanks to those few interactions that we had in the library that she had developed a crush on me. and also thanks to my handsome looks it really doesn't surprise me that she would have fallen in love with me. a handsome mysterious boy that shared her interest and was also one of the stars of the football club and he was single to boot. of course, she would have fallen in love with me.
" so what did you want to ask me?"
" Ah ah yes, yes um, can I ask you another question before I, I ask you the question a want to ask? "
" hmmm yeah I guess, am already here so why not "
ann took a big breath in before asking me the following question.
"hm hm, do you, you know, have a, a girlfriend? "
" no, no I don´t, but I have been thinking that I kinda want to try to get one. "
" You want to get one !" ann said with a much louder and happier tone than she had spoken previously
" Yeah I guess so, I kind of just want to see what all the fuss is about you know. I've been thinking about that but for a little while now "
even though it was pretty obvious to anyone where she was trying to go with this conversation. I was too dense to realize that at the time. so I was pretty confused with this question and the following.
" Okay, is, is it okay if I ask you yet another question before? I ask you the question I was meaning to ask? "
"Yeah why not"
" Do you like someone? "
" Do I like someone ?"
" Yeah do your like or love someone? , in a romantic way "
" no, not really "
that was a lie
yeah, a big lie to be honest, because during those years there was one girl, yes only one girl that was on my mind at that time.
And her name was angela. yes, angela, and just like her name, she really was an angel. blonde hair that shined like gold in the sun, sky blue eyes that you just get couldn't look away from, a face so beautiful that you would think that God personally took the time to sculpt it, and also the body and her bust yeah her bust was kind big to you know but that is something we don´t have to talk about now. she was beautiful probably just like an angel. she was the only girl that I could say that I truly ever loved. she was one of the few people that I would actively try to engage in conversations with. we kind of had a thing going at the time. even tho she was the popular the most popular girl in the year she would always try to start conversations with me even though everybody was clamoring for the opportunity.
but that was something I couldn't tell her as there was no guarantee that she would keep it a secret and that my feelings for angela wouldn't reach her ears through a third party. and it would also break the cool mysterious loner persona that I had going for me at the time.
yeah, I know am not proud of it.
so didn't tell but I really should have because then that probably wouldn't have happened.
"you don't like anyone romanticly ?"
"I guess so"
" so you don't like anybody in that way then?"
" Yeah, I don't "
" oh okay yeah okay"
" so what was it that you wanted to tell me?"
" oh yeah, sorry for asking you those weird questions"
" no problem, so what was it that you wanted to ask? because I think that I have to be home soon as my mom is probably already angry that I have missed dinner and I don't want to keep her waiting, I promised her that I would try to start coming home sooner after practice so I wouldn't miss dinner. so I would appreciate it if you could get to what you wanted to ask me? "
" Sorry, am so sorry, I, I will get to it, yes.
"Take a deep breath anna, take a deep breath " she whispered
ann once again took a deep breath and then she addressed with a confident and determined voice
"yeah what "
" you see ever since we meet in that day library when you went up to me and you started up a conversation. you have helped me "
"I have ?"
" you have. you see I have always been shy always been afraid to talk to others, especially about my interests. I have always been afraid of coming out as weird for liking the things I like"
"like anime and such "
" Yeah those things "
"I thought it was pretty normal to like such things nowadays? "
" well maybe on the internet but not here especially in this school. a group in my class made fun of a guy who tried to start a conversation about what anime they liked. they started calling him creepy and weird for watching such things. he tried to excuse himself by saying that he had been forced to watch it by his younger brother and that he didn't actually like such things"
" oh is that so? "
" yes it is, so I have always kept that liked such things a secret from everybody never speaking about it. but you don´t seem to be ashamed or afraid of talking about such things. so when you started to talk to me about those things so openly I was honestly very surprised. I thought that you, someone in the football club would have no such interest"
" isn't that kinda simple-minded that just because I was in a sports club meant that I wouldn't like such things"
" it probably was, to be honest, but it was thanks to you not being ashamed of talking about such a thing with me . that made me realize that neither should I be afraid or ashamed of liking and talking about the things i like . and that has helped me become more confident and helped me gain friends, friends who just like you are not afraid of liking the things that they like "
" isn't that just you who became more honest with yourself? "
" it is, but without you, I would not have come to that realization, so thank you "
" oh okay, so was that all you wanted to tell me? I thought you were going to ask me something?
" no it's not, not all "
" so what is it? "
once again ann took a deep breath
" do you, Do you want to become my friend !?"
" eh eh eh, you see even do we talk when you are in the library we never talk outside of it you see, but i want to closer to you so that maybe we could start doing things outside of the library and school,and so i thought that maybe i could ask you if we could become friends and start doing more things together, just if you want to of course if you,i wouldn't want to force if you don't want to, "
" well why not, i don't see any problem in that "
" so it's okay if we become friends!" she said with a bright smile on her face
" yes of course it is, well if that's all you came to say, then am going to go now. so next week"
and then I started on my track home again. but before I could even take five steps I was stopped once again. as I felt my arm once again getting caught.
" was there something more?"
"That wasn´t really what I came here to ask you?"
"no, it wasn´t"
" then what was it?"
" that is, that is "
ann started to whisper and once again began to take deep breaths
"am not going run, am not going run"
"Adrian!, I didn't come here to ask you if you want to be my friend, no what I came here for was to tell you something"
" To tell me something?"
" yes to tell you about my feelings "
" to tell me about your feelings?"
" yes, you see for a long time now I have started to feel feelings, feelings that I didn't have before. feelings that I get when I think of you or am close to you. a warm feeling, a feeling that makes me want to talk to you forever to be close to you. it is a feeling that gets my heart beating, my face red, and my mind self-conscious. a feeling that I don't want to go away a feeling that I always want to feel "
" Adrian, I think I love you"
" you love me ?"
"I think so, I don't know what other feeling it could. I've been afraid to tell you about how I feel for a long time now. but I count stand holding it back any longer. so garner all the confidence I had to tell, to tell about how I felt. I am sorry for stopping you this late, stopping you on your way home. but I didn't know any other place or time where I could be alone with you. but I didn't just come here just to tell you about how I felt but also to ask you, not about if you wanted to be my friend but to ask you, yes to ask you, to ask you "
"calm down anna calm down "
the sky was now wholly orange as the sun had started to fully set. And in front of me stod girl a shy girl a girl that I would have never expected to pour her heart out in this way. the first time I had met her not a single word had come out of her I couldn't even see her face at the time as she had hidden it fully behind the book she was reading. how we started to talk about anime and manga I don't remember?. but it was thanks to that, that the ice between us finally broke.
I think I just tried asking her about as many different topics as possible to find something that we had in common so we could start a conversation. but now that stod that shy girl confidently in front of me ready to ask the question she had waited to ask for so long. her big light brown eyes look straight at me, her cheeks dyed red and her black hair still glistening from the little sunlight that still reaches it.
ann took a deep breath. then with all her power finally said the words that she had been waiting to say
"DO YOU WANT TO GO OUT WITH ME!"
This!; this truly was one of those sweet moments of youth one of those memories that still remember fully and clearly just as if it had been yesterday but more than 10 years it had been. I wish could remember this memory just like that, a sweet memory of youth. a sweet memory of a shy girl building up all her confidence to finally confess her love to the boy she loved.
yes that all have to remember, yes this is how this memory ends.
" ann, am sorry but am not into girls with glasses "
" what "
" yeah am sorry. but if you want a boyfriend I recommend asking Albert from the football club I heard that his looking for a girlfriend and I've been told that he has a glasses fetish so if you want a boyfriend you could go and ask him. well if that's all then; I probably have to go now,so see you soon"
" oh Okay okay okay okay "
KILL ME! KILL ME! KILL ME ! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
I WANT TO DIE! I WANT TO DIE ! I WANT DIE!
I want to punch my past self. how could I be so stupid? I know why rejected her as I had another girl in mind at the time but why did I have to do it in the worst possible way.
that was my memory about the first time I got confessed to by a girl and also the last.
I truly just want to die remembering this.