Ambition and Admission

The waves soothe the beach with a steady rhythm as Yume and I sit on the sand. I didn’t expect anyone else to be here tonight, but I should’ve known the one girl who’s been stuck to me would follow me here.

“You didn’t have to come out here, you know,” I say, still staring at the starry sky.

“You didn’t have to lie about not wanting to come out here either,” responds Yume.

Her voice is quieter than usual, probably because she’s tired from how late it is. Oh jeez, what time is it? Anyways, I guess there’s no point in hiding this spot from her or Satoro anymore. She knows how to get here after seeing it for herself now. Still, I’m not sure how I feel about having someone else here after so long.

“If you’re going to sneak off, at least do a better job at it,” says Yume.

“I thought I was pretty quiet,” I say.

There is another silence between us as we listen to the waves. It’s awkward not having Yume talk as constantly as she normally does or even call my name every second. I turn my head to my right and look at her. Her hair seems to light up under the moonlight—each strand glints a bit each time a breeze blows through it. Her eyes slightly glow as she focuses on one object in the sky—the moon.

“The moon seems so far away, doesn’t it?” asks Yume. She reaches out with her right hand, then closes it and says, “I’ll get back there. I know I will.”

Right. Despite everything that we’ve talked about, Yume’s claims of being from the moon is still one of the wildest stories she’s told me. How did she even get down from there in the first place? How are we going to even get her back up there if she really did fall from there?

“Hey Yuma, why didn’t you want to come here?” She suddenly switches the topic to me. She looks at me and continues saying, “Saying that you’re tired was such a bad lie.” She smiles.

I’m not surprised she saw through that. It was just an excuse I thought of on the spot so we wouldn’t come. And yet, here we are.

“It’s…a personal reason. That’s all,” I answer.

This beach is the only thing I really have left of Hiroto—the only thing I can still look at without wanting to tear it up.

“Personal reason?”

“Yeah. Let’s leave it at that.”

“But Yuma—”

“Please.”

I curl up my hand and push myself off from the ground.

“It’s getting late. We should head back,” I say.

“…did something happen here?” asks Yume in a soft voice that is barely louder than the waves.

I don’t know how to answer her. I don’t even know how to answer that question in the first place. It’s not that something happened, but rather…

“Nope, nothing at all,” I answer.

“Then, why did you come out here alone tonight?” she asks.

“Well, obviously to get away from you. You invaded my life after all and—”

“Liar.”

Her serious tone surprises me. Up until now, I’ve never heard her had a different expression other than joy or concern. However, what bothers me more is that she accuses me of lying. I did want to come out here to escape her and that house. I just wanted some time alone now that I’ve been forced to interact with so many people all of a sudden.

“W-What?” I ask.

“You came out here for another reason, didn’t you?” she asks again.

“Oh c’mon. What makes you say that?”

“You were just looking out there for a long time. You didn’t even hear me stepping on the sand even though you were the only one here.” She takes a deep breath. “And there’s nothing out there, right?”

“No, it’s just…”

I wanted to break away from this nightly routine for so long, but she caught me right when I started losing myself within my thoughts on this beach again.

“Just…what?”

“Just…well, I guess I’m waiting for someone.”

How embarrassing. It’s such a dumb answer that even I can’t believe in my own sentence. I let out a laugh, but Yume seems unphased.

“Hmm?” She tilts her head at my laugh.

“It’s a stupid answer now that I’ve said it out loud.”

Nobody would take what I said seriously. Nobody did back then, and nobody will care about my reasons now.

“Nope, it’s not stupid at all,” answers Yume. She looks at me as her soft smile returns. “So, who are you waiting for?”

“…nobody important.”

“Liar!” Her smiles widen as she calls me that in a more playful tone this time. How annoying.

“W-What do you mean?”

“You wouldn’t have come here if there was no reason or nobody. Besides, of all the places to go to, you just happen to come to the beach we talked about earlier.”

This girl is too curious for her own good. I wish I didn’t have to deal with her every day. She doesn’t know me, and I don’t know her. She doesn’t have a reason to intrude on my life.

“No comment,” I respond.

“Aww, nothing at all?”

“…no.”

“Don’t be shy, Yuma. It’s just us two here after all.”

It was supposed to only be just one of us here. Not like I invited this girl. This was supposed to be a private spot at a private time after all.

“…I used to sit here and wait for my older brother.”

Still, for whatever reason, being around this girl just makes me want to talk more than usual. Maybe I have fallen for her charms after all. Maybe it’s because I’m just that desperate for attention.

“I didn’t know you had an older brother,” says Yume. She pats the sand on her left, signaling me to sit next to her.

“It’s…not something I like talking about these days.” I sit on the spot she touched.

“Huh? Why not? Isn’t he important to you?”

“He is, but it’s hard to talk about someone who’s no longer here.”

“No longer here? Makes sense. I haven’t seen him at all. Where did he go then?”

“Ah, Yume, what I mean is…”

He’s gone. He’s not coming back. He went away. She really doesn’t know what those words mean. I keep forgetting Yume isn’t exactly keen on these kinds of things.

“Yeah?” asks Yume as she tilts her head.

“…he went to become an astronaut overseas. And well, he’s…most likely…yeah…”

It’s hard to find the words to say it. Part of me wants to just come out and say it—get it over with so I can stop thinking about these kinds of things. However, there’s another part of me that’s scared to confirm it. I don’t want to say it—it would mean I finally believe in it. There’s still a small chance, isn’t there? They never did find him.

“Mostly likely…what?”

“Hiroto is never coming back…probably.”

“So his name is Hiroto, huh?”

“Oh, yeah, his name is Hiroto.”

I haven’t told anyone else his name since elementary school. It’s weird having someone else now know his name after such a long time. I just hope Yume doesn’t start calling his name out like she does with mines.

“An astronaut…meaning he’s been able to fly up there then,” says Yume, holding out a hand up towards the moon again.

“Yeah, something like that.” At least, that was the plan.

“So, why sit here on this beach then?”

“…it’s peaceful here.”

“You’re not wrong. It is pretty calm here.”

Another wave washes onto the sand as more silence passes between us. It used to be like this with Hiroto and I. We’d always just be here—quietly observing the stars and moon so far out of our reach. It’s…weird—too weird. Doing the same thing with Yume now just makes it all seem so stupid that I came out here so many times alone. What was it all for? What am I even waiting for? He’s not coming back ever again. I know that, but I still…

“Yuma,” says Yume all of a sudden.

“Y-Yeah?” My words stumble out upon being surprised.

“Wherever Hiroto is, I’m sure he’s waiting to come back as well.” She looks right at me and smiles.

It’s hard to say this, but her smile feels gentler than normal. It doesn’t look any different, but it just feels so much warmer. This girl says whatever pops up in her head, but in a way, it always means she’s the most genuine person I’ve ever met because she doesn’t have the capacity to lie—at least, I don’t think so.

“I’m sure Hiroto…” Yume pauses. She looks off into the ocean as her smile fades, not saying a word for a moment. Then, she finally says, “I’m sure Hiroto wishes he could come back and talk to you on this beach again.”

“Yume?”

“I…” She looks up to think about what she’s about to say. “…just know so.”

“…you’re asking me to believe you on a lot of stuff, you know?”

My nose sniffles as I breathe in. My eyes start to water up as I try to keep her words in my mind. No, she doesn’t know Hiroto. She’s just trying to be nice. She’s probably worried about the fact that I suddenly left the house in the middle of the night just to sit at some beach. This girl has no reason to be so nice to me.

“Yep, it’s because I completely believe in you getting me back to the moon, Yuma.”

What? What did Yume just say? A memory of Hiroto plays in my mind—a scene of looking up at him as we stand on this beach. He points at the moon. If I can get up there, then you can too, Yuma. I completely believe in you.

She looks at me, gives me her biggest smile, and then says, “If anyone can do it…”

It would be you, Yuma.

Why? A single tear falls from my right eye and rolls down my cheek. Why did Yume just say that? Words from Hiroto all those years ago came out of Yume’s mouth as if it was so natural—words I want to bury deep within and never unearth again. My dreams of going to space, my goals of being an astronaut…they’re nothing but the desires of a small kid not knowing anything more about the world. The world has nothing that the kid wants so all he ever wants is to fly away and never look back down. There’s nothing left for him down here except for his older brother. Yet, the only thing he ever cherished was taken away so suddenly. It’s why that kid discarded that dream that day. It’s why that kid wants nothing more than just a normal life where every day is a blur, and growing up is nothing more than going through the motions. It’s why that kid is me.

“…damn it,” I say, turning away from Yume so she doesn’t see another tear roll down my left cheek.

But I can’t. Hearing Hiroto’s voice play in my head again after I tried so hard to block it out hurts. It hurts more than anything I’ve had to put up with my entire life. I wanted to forget him so much. I never wanted to think about him ever again. I never wanted to know he even existed. All because it hurts too much. Someone who believed in me, someone who gave me a chance to actually dream, someone who was that close to me—I wanted to forget him. It was easier that way to keep moving forward. It was easier because I wouldn’t have to keep feeling like something was always missing.

“After all, we have a contract to help each other and other people out,” responds Yume.

I hate it. I hate how I’m still here. I hate that I’m thinking about him now after all these years. I hate that I have to just keep going forward without any thought or ambition. I hate that I stopped caring about space. I hate that I can’t talk about him anymore. I hate that I grew up running away from anything mentioning him at all. I hate myself. I hate being alone.

“And I’ll be here the entire time—even if you don’t want me to be here,” says Yume.

I look at Yume again. Her eyes focus on the moon as they moonlight reflects in her glowing yellow eyes. Right. What was I doing again? I want to get this girl back to the moon so she would leave me alone. I want to continue ignoring the pain and memories of Hiroto. I want to drift aimlessly in a sea of anonymity—contributing nothing, thinking of nothing, dreaming for nothing.

“Yuma?”

But that’s not true. Yume’s right—I am a liar. I’ve been lying to myself the entire time. I want to be a nobody—that’s a lie. I want to forget Hiroto—that’s a lie. I want my life to be normal again—that’s a lie.

“It’s…nothing,” I answer.

For a what feels like a long time, Yume and I just silently stare out at the stars. I wonder what she’s thinking about—probably the fact that I’m a crybaby. After a while, Yume stands up and stretches.

“I’m tired. Let’s go home and sleep, Yuma.”

“But…”

She reaches a hand out towards me.

“C’mon. It’s late, and you’re the one always sleeping in class, remember?” She giggles as she pokes fun at me.

“Fine.” I smile and reach out for her hand, then she pulls me up.

Yume starts walking ahead, leaving small footprints in the sand. I look back at the beach.

I’ll be here again. Next time will be on happier terms. I promise.

Just like back then, Hiroto.