I Am Reflecting

I had spent my whole life alone on Earth.

When I was hurt, I had no one to turn to. When I was sad, I had no one to lean on.

I was used to it.

Why then, was this feeling in my heart so unbearable?

I clutched my chest as the three of us made our way eastward to Count Oswald’s domain.

I say “the three of us”, but really, it was just Lucrezia and Antenora. I lagged behind them quite a bit, only approaching during rest stops in order to set down our gear.

To be completely honest, if it weren’t for Antenora’s statement, I probably would have left.

As it stood now, I didn’t even deserve to look at Lucrezia. Similarly, she was avoiding any interaction with me.

It made the pain in my heart easier to bear, but exacerbated it at the same time.

Antenora told me that I simply had to offer Lucrezia a heartfelt apology, but I couldn’t help thinking that there was far more to it than that.

I had shattered Lucrezia’s trust in me not as a person, but as a friend.

Lurezia was the first friend I’d ever made that wasn’t behind a screen. I just didn’t know what to do. Earlier during the trip, I had been a lot more energetic, but as far as I could see, that only made things worse.

If only [Rulebook] could teach me how to resolve this situation...

Inadvertently, I’d opened up the rulebook, and it actually gave me what I needed.

[Memory Erasure]. It was Forbidden magic of the highest order, capable of erasing up to a day’s worth of someone’s memories.

With this, I could...

Before the thought even finished forming in my head, I immediately issued a sharp strike against my cheek.

The force of my own attack actually flung me several paces from where I was standing and I collapsed on the ground. A trickle of blood leaked from my nose and the place where I’d struck myself was already starting to bruise.

Lucrezia and Antenora turned to look, but once she saw that I was in no immediate danger, Lucrezia immediately turned around with a “Hmph!” and continued walking.

“...What the hell are you doing, human?”

Antenora had pointedly refused to call me by my name until I managed to get Lucrezia to forgive me. I didn’t know why she cared so much, seeing as she blatantly despised humans.

If I were Antenora, I’d want me as far away from Lucrezia as possible. But then again, I was selfish.

I only wanted what benefited myself, but standing before me was Antenora who was swallowing her tremendous hatred for humans just to see a smile on Lucrezia’s face.

She was right. Just what the hell am I doing?

I was supposed to be earning Lucrezia’s forgiveness, but I wasn’t trying at all. Yet again, I was making excuses.

I was trying to brainlessly rely on bullshit like unique skills that only I possessed. I was no different from those stupid protagonists in the ever-abundant “system” novels that I hated so much.

“Did you think it would make Lucrezia happy to see you hurt? Fool. You truly are stupid, human.”

In other words, she was indirectly telling me to heal my wound. I wish she was nicer about it, but really, this was the exact type of treatment that I deserved.

I picked myself up and used [Devouring Healing] to patch up my wound. Antenora told me not to do anything else stupid, all the while expressing how little faith she had in me. Then, she walked off and joined Lucrezia.

We continued walking in the same fashion until nightfall. In the end, I didn’t do a single thing.

Lucrezia and Antenora set up camp in a small glade nested in between two large trees. As for myself, I chose to camp out on the road.

It probably wasn’t the best idea, but I wanted a clear view of the stars. Back on Earth, seeing those distant lights was always calming to me, and I was glad that they had the same effect here in Paresica.

What could I do to make Lucrezia forgive me?

I’d asked myself this question countless times during the day, but I couldn’t arrive at a single answer.

I didn’t even know if it was something that I could possibly do.

Back on Earth, whenever I was faced with a problem, I solved it with my fists. Here, I was doing the same.

Even in this life, I was useless.

But then again, this was really the first time I’d encountered a problem I couldn’t solve with my fists. It was irritating to say the least, but my overpowering feeling of self-hate was what sucked the most.

I really was becoming the very thing I hated. Overpowered, overbearing, and just an all-around negative influence to everyone around me.

Fuck!

I slammed my fist against the ground, cracking it and causing a cloud of dust and dirt to rise up into the air just to fall on my face.

I deserved that.

Right now, I was undoubtedly even less than dirt.

Despite that, I had to press on. I’d made her a promise, and I intended to see it through even if she hated me. If I failed to do even that, then I—

I bit my lip hard enough to draw blood. I wanted to punch myself again, but Antenora had warned me against doing so.

There you go again! That fucking cursed word! “I”, “I”, “I”! That’s all you can think about, isn’t it, Ryuuko! Did you ever consider that she might not even want you escorting her back anymore!?

You useless piece of shit... You just can’t stop thinking about yourself, can you? That’s all you ever thought about, anyway. And now that you finally met someone you could call a friend, you immediately fuck everything up. Trash.

As I continued to mentally berate myself without pause, I felt a presence creep up behind me. Immediately, I kipped up into a standing position only to come face to face with Antenora.

“Something wrong?”

“Of course, human. How can you expect anyone to sleep through that pandemonium?”

“Sorry, come again?”

Antenora made an irritated gesture and mumbled something in her native tongue before actually responding. “I’m a telepath.”

“...Oh.”

What the fuck!? Has she been reading my thoughts this whole time!? Holy shit! AAAAUGH! I’m so embarrassed, I could end myself right now!

“I thought I had instructed you to refrain from any more stupid actions, human. Now then, I have a proposition for you.”

“...What is it?” I asked warily, trying my absolute hardest to make sure there were no stray thoughts lingering around in my head.

“Besides reading the thoughts of others, I also possess the ability to sense and share emotions. It would be trivial for me to show Lucrezia the true extent of your regret for your actions.”

My eyes narrowed. Surely, this would be the fastest way to resolve the situation. I mean, I was fairly certain that Antenora didn’t have any ulterior motives other than getting Lucrezia to smile again.

But...

Is this really the way I wanted to do this?

Hell no! Lucrezia deserves my effort! I need to show her that I truly want to be her friend this time... I need to show her that she was my first and brightest star in the dark tapestry of my life!

That she didn’t make a mistake.

I want her to know that for the first time in my life, I learned to care about someone. I needed to do this with my own hands. Not for myself, not for Antenora. I had to do it for Lucrezia.

That’s right. I needed to become a better person for Lucrezia.

“You probably already know the answer, but I’m gonna have to pass, Antenora. I can’t rely on someone else to do something so important.”

“...A wise choice. If you had considered it for even a moment, I would have deemed you a lost cause. Well done... Ryuuko.”

What a bitch. I can’t believe she came all this way just to test me, but... I suppose it was the only way she knew how to hype me up. Now, it was time to deal with her annoying ass ability with those levels that I’d been too depressed to spend.

I gained a good twenty levels after that fight with Jusis, so I put one of them to good use by grabbing the [Psychic Citadel] ability which shielded my mind from anyone who had a lower wisdom stat than I did.

Just for good measure, I ended up putting a few more levels into raising my wisdom before going over my character sheet.

[Creature Statistics]

Name: Mikado Ryuuko

Race: Human (Transmigrated)

Class: Classless

Strength: 30

Dexterity: 20

Constitution: 25

Intelligence: 16

Wisdom: 24

Charisma: 10

Darkness: x(s+I) = D

Corruption: 95

Skills: Rulebook (Special), Complete Analysis (Special), Transmigrator (Special), Pyromancy (Lv. 1), Devouring Healing [Forbidden] (Lv. 1), Demonic Enhancement [Forbidden] (Lv. 1), Psychic Citadel (Lv. 1)

[END]

Not bad. Compared to the average human in Paresica, I was nothing less than a monster, but I guess that would be a pretty accurate description for me right now.

After all, I still haven’t figured out how to apologize to Lucrezia.