The Apocalypse is Penguins???

My name is Ichinose Akira. I'm currently 17 and this is my second year of high school. My hobbies are reading, tea ceremony, and piano.

Every morning, I wake up at exactly 7 AM without the need of an alarm clock. I wash my face and then make breakfast. I generally enjoy preparing the traditional Japanese breakfast: steamed rice, miso soup, grilled fish, and a side of soft tofu that I get freshly made at the local farm market.

Then, I brush my teeth. I don't understand people who brush before eating. Doesn't that defeat the purpose of brushing your teeth?

After brushing my teeth, I immediately start my morning workout so I can finish at precisely 8:00 AM which gives me forty-five minutes before I have to arrive at school. I shower and then get dressed in my perfectly ironed school uniform.

I iron it every day.

Then, I walk to school at a leisurely pace and take care not to exhaust myself. The scenery is the most beautiful in the spring, but the summer isn't too bad either. The only problem is the sweltering heat. That's why I always bring deodorant.

In class, I sit in my assigned seat and listen to the teacher attentively, taking notes whenever needed. I am not the best student, but I try my best to perform at an acceptable level.

After school, I can finally enter my paradise. The school's library isn't very big, but it's cozy. It's quiet and just the perfect place for me to wind down after a long day. I make some progress on my reading list and then I head home exactly thirty seconds before the library's closing time.

I'm very punctual.

After I get home, I finish my homework and then take a shower before going to bed precisely 10 at PM.

Basically, I'm a very average individual who wishes for nothing more than a peaceful and quiet life. If nothing exciting ever happened during the course of my lifetime, I would be immensely satisfied. All I want is for these oneiric days to continue billowing past me.

So then why the hell is this bitch intruding on my paradise? Why is she defacing the sole comfort I have other than my home!?

"YAHOOOOOOOOOOOO~!" A scantily dressed girl was cartwheeling herself through the library. Literally.

Books were strewn all across the ground, and some were even torn beyond recognition. There were pieces of assorted food all scattered around.

What the fuck even is that!? Pizza? No... Yakisoba bread? Wait, why the hell is there pepperoni and cheese inside it!?

It was mayhem.

It was chaos.

It was torture.

It was hell.

"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING, BITCH!?" I had never cursed in my life. Even speaking in such a crass fashion went completely against my life principles, but right now, I couldn't give less of a shit.

I proudly roared that curse at this no-good whore who was literally flashing me her panties every second as she continued wreaking havoc throughout the library.

"LOL! Who're you? A survivor?"

Before I could even respond, she had already closed the distance between us impossibly quickly. Her ugly—

Wait, no she was actually really hot. Like, really hot. Smoking hot.

She was the hottest girl I'd ever seen in my life.

But even I had standards. I didn't care how hot she was.

My dream woman was a girl with long black hair, straight bangs, and modest proportions. A woman who dressed demurely and conducted herself with grace and elegance. A woman of intellect and style.

Whoever this bitch was, she was the complete opposite.

There was no way I would even consider dating her even if—

Wait, what the hell is she doing!?

There was a playful smirk on her face, and I felt something warm caressing the heavenly spheres of the forbidden firmament.

Wait, why's she grabbing—

AND THEN SHE SQUEEZED.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH!!!!"

I immediately hit the ground as my faced shriveled up like a fucking shrunken voodoo head, convulsing in the purest pain and agony.

Then, she mounted me and all I could see was black and yellow dots.

Wait... Isn't it supposed to be black and red?

Oh. This was fucking leopard print.

Very interesting.

"So you are a survivor! Man, I'm so glad! Did you know? The world ended after class today!"

What now?

"Mnnnf! Gnngh mmfngf!" I tried to speak, but I couldn't. Not while I was being suffocated by the beast from the jungle.

"Hm? What's that?"

"MNFNFF!!!!!"

She stared at my fruitless efforts and fucking laughed.

Then, out of nowhere, she was blasted backwards by a fucking beam.

I shit you not.

You know those laser beams that they shoot in sci-fi movies? Or superhero movies when they've got blasting powers?

Yeah, that shit. It was a bright blue beam that fired straight into the library through the door behind me, blasted into the girl, and shot her through the wall across from us.

"What the FUCK." It was a statement, not a question.

I picked myself up and found myself staring at the most ridiculous thing I'd ever seen.

It was a penguin two heads taller than me (I'm fucking 5'11", by the way) and four times as wide. It had a goofy looking grin plastered on its beak and lopsided eyes.

But the worst part?

It was holding what looked like a military-grade rocket launcher in the shape of a fucking ice cream cone.

Again, what the FUCK.