Stan I

“You are a man, a man doesn’t cry ok?”

What is mommy saying, I just turned three yesterday, I’m just a boy.

“But mom, you’re dying.”

“I DON’T CARE.”

Shouted mom very loudly. After that, she does something that makes a breathing sound, one that looks like one of the steps in the exercise dance.

“Listen here Marsh, when men show emotions, they ruin people’s lives ok? You know what happened to grandpa when he showed emotions? Grandma left him was what happened, it’s all because grandpa gotta be a little bitch that grandma left us behind. And it didn’t just make me sad, it made my whole childhood turn for the worse, everyone thinks I’m gonna turn out a criminal just because my mother wasn’t here to raise me, DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH IT HURTS TO HAVE YOUR WHOLE LIFE RUINED BECAUSE OF SOMEONE ELSE ENTIRELY.”

“Mommy, stop shouting you’re hurting my ears!”

“Marsh, promise me, I need you to never, and by never I mean NEVER are you going to express your feelings. Only then will you be a good boy, a good person, you understand?”

“Of course I will mom, anything for you.”

“Good boy Marsh, good boy… Now I can rest in peace.”

Following my mother’s last words was a sound, one though exists as a tool to tell a person’s life, it fills me with nothing but death, a never dying, infinite beep sound.

“I heard shouts.” Said a man

“She’s in her last stages of cancer, she didn’t really have a fulfilling life, bear that in mind and understand her alright?”

“Alright.”

“I love Marry until the very last moments… but Marsh, even though your beloved mother just passed away, don’t worry, I am still here, I promise you that whatever comes my way, I will raise you as a father would.”

“Ok thanks.”

“I know I can never ever give you enough love as Marry but, you can count on me to have a good life.”

“I will.”

…

He didn’t keep his promise.

“I’m sorry but, we are going to have to take away your badge.”

“What? Why? I did the right thing didn’t I? How could I have shot him when he was only a kid!”

“A kid that killed ten people and further killed four more because you didn’t shoot him right then and there.”

“I’m a police officer, how could killing a little child have been considered the right thing to do.”

“The kid is an outsider, anyone that fits that category is dangerous. Now I’m not trying to discriminate but it’s a war zone out there, people are different than inside citizens Mr. Stan.”

“Goddamnit this isn’t happening right now!”

“I’m sorry but I can’t be on your side on this one. The public is trying to put you in jail so I advise you to lay low and wait for the mass to calm down. I’m afraid that’s the best outcome for you right now.”

“But what I did was the right thing..”

“No it wasn’t, sometimes the cruel way is the better way, thank you for your service Mr. stan, now your badge please.”

“I want to be a police officer fighting for justice when I grow up.” A sentence that has always felt so real, to the point that It’s the main motivation for the man’s life, the man’s fuel.

“Did I really say that, I don’t.. remember anymore.

What a dumb dream, there is no justice, you decide not to shoot a child and four more people die, you decide to not end a little kid’s life you get pissed on by the public.

Hey universe.

WHERE IS MY FUCKING JUSTICE!” cried the man. Seconds continued on, and he calmed down.

“Right, I need to get my mind straight, I have a responsibility, a kid. The man inhales, and then exhales. Alright, daddy is going to buy something you like.”

The man entered the air tube, a form of transportation that is convenient for traveling to public places in a short time in the inside buildings. His destination was a bookstore, a public place, even with everyone having their attention on him right now, he still went there, for the sake of his son.

“Hey! what’s with the weird look, people?”

“What do you think? Everyone here resent you, your hesitation caused four people to die, they all had families, someone who cared for them, and they died sorely because you were too much of a fucking pussy. Do you really think you’re a good person for being so kind? You’re just a coward, face it!”

“Yea, I’m a pussy because I didn’t murder a child that makes so much sense, dumbass!”

“You..”

The man didn’t regret doing what he had done, since in the end, he did get what he wanted.

“I’m home Marsh!”

Before the sound could echo back into his ears, a figure as small as a child appeared, me.

“I got you a little present! It’s a book about transplant engineering, since you know, you always look at those stuff on TV.”

I reached my hand towards the book wrapped in a red layout and offered my gratitude.

“Thanks dad.”

“It’s no problem, I’m your dad after all.”

“Dad.”

“Yes Marsh?”

“Why is your face like that?”

“Um, what do you mean?”

“Why does your face look like you’re in pain of being treated unfairly, like you’re blaming everything.”

Misunderstanding is the root of all relationships’ downfall, from lovers to familial. If five year-old me hadn’t got such a sharp eye, maybe everything would have been better.

“Unfair? Of.. of course I am being treated unfairly! Wait wait, Marsh.. you’re.. on my side, right..?”

“Your side on what dad?”

“The murder! I didn’t shoot a child so he killed four others, that incident.”

“I don’t know what you are talking about dad. You’re a man, and a man doesn't show emotions so can you please stop making that face, it’s making me uncomfortable.”

“Marsh.. What do you mean by that? Why are you saying that?”

“It’s mom’s last wish. Mom said that when a man does anything that shows emotions, he ruins people’s lives.”

“What.. Marsh, it’s just nonsense from your mother’s-“

“Stop right there! How could you say that! Mom used every life force that she had left to shout that at me and it’s ‘just’ a wish? You can’t say that to your wife! Do you not respect mom’s last wish? You’re a horrible person! You’re a horrible boyfriend and dad!”

“Marsh.. I didn’t mean to”

His words went from one ear and out the other. Five year old me was too upset while running away.

At that moment, the man thought his life had just reached the lowest point, little did he know, it didn’t end there. Constant rumors, constant bullying, the only thing he looked forward to when he was out is going home. But he couldn’t even find his own comfort, everytime he went home, even though his son was always there, he no longer felt like family to him. Emotionless eyes, like they were from a soulless doll staring at him.

“This is never going to end is it.”

 He was right, that was the case. Like the whole world was against him, there was no place for him to lean on. Not the people he had loved and protected. Not his beloved son.

Little me was always there with him, but the only thing he could feel were stares. Never ending, unexpressive stares. Like they are judging him. Always remind him to be aware.

“A man doesn’t show his emotions.”

Like mentioning a rule, those words kept living in his mind.

“Treated unfairly”

“You’re blaming everything”

No, no no on no no NO NO NO NOO, I DID WHAT WAS RIGHT, HOW COULD YOU ALL DISAGREE, HOW COULD MY OWN SON DISAGREE WITH ME. I’M THE ONE BLAMING? HOW IS GETTING TREATED LIKE I’M A MONSTER FOR NOT KILLING A CHILD NOT UNFAIR. WHAT KIND OF FUCKING MORALES DO ALL OF YOU PEOPLE HAVE. DID YOUR MOTHER LEAVE YOU WHEN YOU WERE A KID SO NOW Y-.. No.. I can’t. What did I just say.. No, Marry that’s not what I meant. I’m sorry.. The man looks up at the woman, though he’s aware it’s just an illusion, his eyes give signs of expecting a response.

“A man doesn’t show his emotions.”

Fuck off.

“A man doesn’t show his emotions.”

I said, FUCK OFF.

“A man doesn’t show his emotions.”

“A man doesn’t show his emotions.”

“A man doesn’t show his emotions.”

“A man doesn’t show his emotions.”

“A man doesn’t show his emotions.”

“A man doesn’t show his emotions.”

“A man doesn’t show his emotions.”

Drowning in the sea of darkness, the man couldn’t do anything but hug his head, hoping this could all go away.

“A man doesn’t show his emotions.”“A man doesn’t show his emotions.”“A man doesn’t show his emotions.”“A man doesn’t show his emotions.”“A man doesn’t show his emotions.”“A man doesn’t show his emotions.”“A man doesn’t show his emotions.”“A man doesn’t show his emotions.”“A man doesn’t show his emotions.”“A man doesn’t show his emotions.”“A man doesn’t show his emotions.

“Please, I’d rather end my life than hearing that one more time.”

“Ok. Then.”

“Gu hu hu.”

“Huh.”

“Gu hu hu hu hu.”

“Are you laughing? Why are you laughing at a time like this, I’M SAYING I AM GOING TO KILL MYSELF, WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU LAUGHING.”

“Gu hu hu hu hu hu hu hu hu hu hu hu hu hu hu hu hu hu hu hu hu hu

hu hu hu hu hu hu hu hu hu hu hu hu hu hu hu hu hu hu hu hu hu

…”

“Marry”