The World Doesn't Need You

“Now that we talked about your negative thoughts and the relationship between your father. I would like for us to talk about YOU. Liber. The man. The person. A son. A friend. A member of society.”

“Myself, huh? I didn’t think that we would touch on this. There are about ten minutes left for our session, so I’ll get this out the way.”

“Don’t rush it. We are here for your sake, and not here for the money as you think we are Liber.”

“Sure, you’re not. Hahahaha.”

Where to start? I guess it’ll be good for me to say that I have trouble, no I find it difficult to love myself. There’s so much I dislike about myself. Every time, I want to fix those issues I can never succeed. I always fall back to those habits, and the cycle repeats of me wanting to better myself and then…disliking myself.

I feel guilty for not being there for certain people in my life. Those people were there for me a lot, and always hear me out. I updated them frequently on how I was feeling when I was down, and when it came to them, I couldn’t quite find any words to comfort them unlike them when I was going through something.

You can also say I feel shame for failing to live to my expectations. Each year I always declare I’ll do this and do that. You can say it’s like a New Year’s resolution, but to me, I look at every new year as a new year for improvement.

Usually, when I fail at something all the confidence, I had gone down the drain, and I end up in the dumps. Unmotivated. Despite knowing that failure is part of SUCCESS I can’t happen but feel bitterness and frustration towards my failures.

I don’t think I’m nobody in particular, and I no longer feel those emotions of pride and joy in my life anymore.

The only emotions that I’m able to express are how much I hate myself and anger towards people, things going on in my life, and situations I find myself in.

“Is there a particular reason you dislike yourself besides? Besides not being there for others? Even though you do not know how to accept failure despite claiming you understand that it takes failure to elevate?”

“Yeah, there are a few other reasons besides those.”

My relationship with my elder brother isn’t the greatest. The two of us aren’t constantly at each other's necks. But despite us not having a conversation as brothers for about seven years, I can still have ill feelings towards him.

My brother is “different”. He is not like my father or me at all. You can say he has different views and stances on things. A man capable of great things and probably has more potential than I ever will.

He is intelligent, calculating, and knowledgable in many things compared to me. My brother has always been the go too “problem solver” for my parents when they need help from him. When I cannot do something for them, they always go ask for his aid.

It does not irritate me if they go to somebody who can help them more. I would also do the same thing.

But like every human being in existence, he has his flaws. It is one of the few reasons I never tried repairing our relationship as brothers despite living in the same home as him.

He is the type of person to hold grudges for a long period and is more open to others that are not his family. I cannot name how many times he's made the vibe at my house utter shit. I’m not sure if my father ever took anything, that he has done or said to heart as he is not a man to show his emotions.

Mother, on the other hand, is different. She has always had deep favoritism toward him, and even if she denies I can see through her lie. I do not mind her favoritism towards him because after all, it was her first son, and he has always been at her side while I have been at my 

father’s side. Now I’m more talkative with my mother than with my father as I got older.

She has never been able to handle the actions, he has made like gatekeeping his life from her and them having their differences. Sometimes he would go weeks without talking to her and even avoid her as much as he could.

I knew that had too hurt her as a mother and it hurt her even more seeing him have “different” interactions with others. He would be all smiles, laughs, etc.

“Has this played a role in your relationship as siblings?”

“One of the major factors, but it is also the fact I cannot accept him for who he is and his choices.”

Despite my saying, I accept him and have a love for him no matter what. I do not accept him, and I know this deep down…

“I understand.” She said as she took notes.

She was most likely writing ways, I can change some of the things I talk about.

“So, how about we go over you not being there for those close to you? I want to hear how you feel accountable for not being there for them.”

There is a certain somebody who is a friend of mine. They are related to me and all. I think our bond goes beyond friendship and has become a relationship of siblings who know everything about each other.

The trust is there, and so is the love, but there is something I kept from them for the longest time. I knew more than they probably did, and they were also too young at the time for me to tell them the truth.

For a while, that held me back, and for about two years, I let them suffer instead of, telling them the truth and trying to comfort them.

Eventually, I could not hold it any longer and told them what I knew, and the response I got was.

“I know.”

That shattered my heart and made me FEEL so guilty about it. I could have been their shoulder to cry on and lean on as an older brother should be, but instead, I did not say anything, to not ruin her perspective on this person she viewed as the perfect person/

“ I see…”

“No, not yet I am not done talking. I still have more to say about another person I hold dear.”

There was another person I was extremely close with as a kid and early in my teenage years. About three weeks ago, one of their siblings would die…

I started crying at long last…

“Liber! You do not have to continue any longer! It’s okay.”

“No, I’ll go on.” I said as regained myself from that dark abyss I found myself in.

Our family’s relationship isn’t the best, and I am talking about our entire family tree of ours. A certain incident happened about nine years ago that would change everything. I would find myself drifting from them, and it wasn’t long until I lost complete knowledge of their lives when 

I found myself in a new place.

Family ties destroyed one of the relationships I valued the most, and I can never forget either side for that when I heard the news about their loss I couldn’t help but drown myself in sadness laying there in the dark and imagine the agony and pain that they are going losing somebody they were extremely close too and…I was over here with no way to contact them.

“You’re holding so much…guilt on your shoulders. I think it is time you realize that some things aren’t in your control and all you were doing was the right thing at the time with the first person you talked about. You considered their feelings.”

“No, that was just selfish of me not to tell them the truth they needed to hear. I always thought of myself as selfless, but that couldn’t be far from the truth.”

I’m aware I’m in the wrong for many things, and no sugarcoating can change that. Sometimes I wish I didn’t run into those individuals that day when I had suicide on mine and was going to go through it four years ago.

“You had an attempt in a suicide ATTEMPT!?”

“Yeah, it should not surprise you. I was a man with no purpose and soul walking that day, and I happened to run into some friends that day, that manage to get me out of that spot, and they weren’t even aware that they saved my life that day.”

All this support and success one can have, cannot stop these feelings of hatred towards oneself, low-self esteem, and these suicidal thoughts.