Looking for “I Love You”

My upbringing was a great one. It wasn’t exactly full of loving parents and having everything handed to me. We had everything they could were capable of providing. My father when I was a child, showed me lots of love and did the same with my siblings. I absolutely love the man, and my life would be different as well as my mindset if he wasn’t in my life.

All that love and compassion as a child would slowly drift away, and it would turn into “tough” love like me, and my brother would grow up. My mother has always been the same since I was a child, but he, on the other hand, has changed. That lack of love and compassion went away at an age where I needed it the most, but…he just created a wall around him, and all that ever came out of his mouth were words that would destroy my confidence for a while.

I can’t question why they raised me the way they did, and why that love changed when I became more mature. Was it because that was the way he was raised, and that was the way his father was raised?

Showing your feelings and emotions, such as crying or being depressed was viewed as a “weakness”. Their response was always. "What are you sad about?". I always had to hide my emotions, and that included the love I had for my very father…

I became a child that grew accustomed to burying my emotions when something drastic occurred in my life. If I were to cry in front of him, my father and mother would tell me to not be weak.

As a man, I was taught that man should never show feelings and that being sensitive has never helped. If they sensed your sensitivity they avoided talking to you in certain ways, and I began taking it as disrespectful because they thought less of me.

Being a guy, and being in high school as a freshman, I never had any idea what I wanted to do with my life. When I’m telling you, I had nothing in mind because I had NOTHING. We’re supposed to figure out what we want at a very young and pursue it to the very end until that goal has finally been reached. With another goal, out the way, another goal will come again, and the cycle would continue.

It an never-ending cycle that never lead to happiness, and that would never lead to freedom.

As for the lack of confidence I had growing up, it was mainly for certain factors, and as much as I would like to blame myself for my lack of drive…some part of me says otherwise.Anything I ever did I always feared the idea of failure. Whether it was failing classes during high school or needing extra help, to me that was FAILURE. The worse part of the failure was failing to help my parents when they needed something, and I was incapable of….

Two words that will always have a place in my will be “good for nothing”. Every time I was incapable of doing anything father would say that word, and as a kid, I didn’t understand what he said but with the expression and change of tone I could tell it wasn’t a pleasant word to be called.

As I grew up, I finally understood what that word meant, but as usual, I didn’t give it any thought because…if I did, I would break down. Who the hell am I kidding? I’m on the verge of breaking down any day now. It’s only a matter of time.

“Has all of that affected the relationship between you and your father?”

“No, I wouldn’t say that. It’s a distant relationship where the two of us rarely show love towards each other. The only times of the year I try showing that I care for the old guy is when it’s father’s day and his birthday. I always make sure, to give him his hugs, but how do I say it? I have to prepare myself, and practice beforehand and give him a hug when he least expects it.”

“Do you think you have issues with your father? Such as the lack of love when you needed it in your adolescent years and now in adulthood. If your father never stopped showing love and compassion, towards you would it change who you are?”

Liber scratches his head and grabs the cup of water. Takes a sip and gives it a thought.

“It’s not that I have issues against my old man. I have all the love anybody can have, and all the respect for a man he’s admired for his hard work and drive. He’s managed to accept the times without a problem, and I see that he’s made an effort to change as a parent when it came to my youngest brother.”

“Do you think your brother will flourish differently than you and your elder brother?”

“Will he? Who knows there’s so much he has to experience which can change him as a man. And as for the never-ending love and compassion part, would it change me? It definitely would, without a doubt.”