Self Care

My therapy session finally came to an end after an hour. I have lots out of my mind and feel more in charge of what is happening in my life.

This recovery has been difficult. A lot of people say what I am going through is generational trauma. I am uncertain how to view it and have no stance on it. I do not blame God or anybody for what has happened. These were the cards I'd been dealt.

I cannot change what has been dealt with me.

If I could change three of those cards, my life could be better, but it’s unrealistic and hurtful to be in that frame of thought.

I do not need to hide these cards of mine, and I will always display them no matter how ugly they are. It is who I am.

This deck, cannot be reshuffled, and I cannot trade them. It’s inscribed in my very being, and I am all in.

If we took the time to see the hand we were dealt. Is it a coincidence? Life? God?

If he loved me, the way they say he does, why would he give me these cards?

Let’s see what we have dealt with.

Emotional abuse.

Addiction? I run from the meaning of that word.

Failure.

Guilt.

And the card neither you nor I can prevent from drawing. The card of death! The only thing, that we are all truly equal in. Your wealth, good looks, and talent will not matter with this joker. It will take you no matter how hard try to escape.

Yes, we’re all meant to die. The difference is what you decide to do, with the time that's yours. 

Make of your existence of what you wish or don’t. Just remember, there would be countless of others that would kill to have your life and have the problems that you have.

Enough of that.

Now that I am out of my session, I can start my daily routines. There is nothing like an old fashion run to get your body feeling alive. I begin stretching and doing basic exercises to warm my body up. I’d never been a fan of running when I was in my younger days, I am not a fan of doing anything physically aside from…you know.

I begin running, and I take it easy. I planned to run a mile as my warm-up and go all out in the next. I’m competitive.

This self-improvement journey is something that I should have been on two years ago.

I began watching what I ate and started eating better. From what I heard, if you eat terrible foods you're going to feel that same way.

It’s been a beneficial habit for me and has changed my daily life, for the better. My favorite meal right now has to be anything revolving around chicken. I always look forward to anything chicken-related.

This may be wrong to speak on, but if I didn't I wouldn't be sticking to my motto of always being authentic in what I speak on.

I’m no longer watching “explicit” content.

I would like to say I spent my youth years watching this deranged content and being young at the time, I didn’t care. I just wanted to see what I wanted to see. Little did I know how harmful that material was, and getting off it was the best thing to ever happen to me.

Anyways.

I have been exercising far more frequently, and despite not getting that body of my dreams, I cannot complain. I’m happy at the fact, that I’m doing it consistently enough, which is a big step in itself.

It just makes me feel right.

Recently I have been finding myself waking up much earlier than usual. I have never been one to be a morning person.

I always have struggled with it. Even if I slept the right amount of hours, I would still struggle, and even sleeping all those hours, I would myself tired with no energy.

It just never worked until recently. I'd been waking up at the same hour every day, and always washing my face with cold water. Never fails to get me awake in the morning.

To add to the problem I had with “explicit” content, I'd entered semen retention. You might have heard of it depending on if you are up to date on what happens around the world and the new trends via social media.

This retention thing is not just a disciplinary act. It’s a lifestyle, and I believe every man should try it. I started putting all that sexual energy too exercising and a passion of mine.

I haven’t said anything about it, but I love drawing. It’s a valuable form of expression, and the ability to create things with a piece of lead is outstanding. I didn’t find myself growing spiritually, as I would've liked, and my mental state wouldn't have improved.

One of the reasons I started seeking out help with my therapist and why I attend despite being so negative about them.

I find it better to live in the moment. Many people love taking pictures of what they’re up to and posting them on social media. That isn’t for me, and it will never be. The best moments in my life have come from living in them with no pictures needed.

Always be mindful of your environment and the people in it.

This self-development moment has a lot of actions derived from what is known as monk mode.

If you are unaware.

Monk mode is a period of enhancement, focus, discipline, and productivity where you commit yourself to a GOAL.

My goal right now is to be more connected with those I value and to repair relationships with those I have negative feelings toward too. I want to love those people again.

I adopted isolation and discipline when I am on my own like when I work out and go on these daily runs.

As a person, I wish to conquer these aspects of myself that I dislike.

My next step in life is to reconnect with my friends, whom I had a strong bond with. It’s been a year since we last talked.

As all this happens, Liber runs into somebody that, he was once close to and knows far too well.

“Hey -! It’s been so long I didn’t know you ran around these parts.”

He didn’t recall who this woman was, and was dumbfounded, on why she would even be talking to him and even approaching him.

Liber didn’t care about that.

He was lost.

Lost in those blue eyes that were like. It made my spirit rise, and that cold breeze of my eyes made me notice more.

The way the sunlight hit her hair, it was as if being bestowed amongst a Goddess. Those lips of hers complimented her with the lovely voice she had.

Being caught in her light I snapped out of it, and she was still there. It was unreal, but I recalled who she was.

She was not an ordinary girl at all, and wouldn’t be somebody I could look at and not admire.

“I-Its you…” I said in shock while trying to control myself from falling back into her grasp.

Not again.“Of course it’s me -. After all, you and I were once…”

Ari.

The girl that I once fell for.

Her return couldn't have come at a worse time.