Negligence

I was only a scholar——a mere scholar. And they were the students——the great students.

In everyone’s view, I was the lowest class of person in the entire academy, even including the staff. All held me in low regard.

But there was something they all didn’t have; that was…

…appointments. I had appointments——too many appointments.

I had planned to talk with Ryuu and his friends. I’ve also planned to meet with Chinatsu when I find her. I will have lunch with Miyazono. I had planned to browse the mall in the afternoon.

It will be a hectic day, so I slept earlier than usual, skipping dinner since I already had a banquet.

And, as usual, I woke up before my alarm. I sat up on the floor.

On the floor?

I looked around. Something was wrong again, but I was made comfortable by the homely familiarity. Such nostalgia frightened me.

No no no no no. Not again!

The whistle of the trusty kettle. The emptiness of my heart. The fullness of my brain was filled with daily worries and studies. All I thought about was my apparent survival. My apparent future.

Someone was absent, but I was used to it. Rather than feeling gloomy when Mom’s not around, I felt disturbed whenever she visited at rare times.

It was a small box——a small apartment enough for two. Opening the only bedroom’s sliding door immediately leads to the house door.

There was a certain annoyance attached to the simple things——waking up from a futon, sliding open the door, turning off the stove, filling the pale with hot water, cooling it with faucet water, bathing——everything. The routine reminded me again and again how miserable my life was, even though I was doing fairly well for a middle-class person.

This was the boring life of a student, with the addition of loneliness.

Life is an equation; many factors mixed and affected each and everything to create an answer equalling someone’s life. My life grounded me in this fact, proving its logical correctness.

But I somehow felt it was wrong, but, by thinking and rethinking, I thought it right. But the inexplicable feeling remained.

But, I shall ignore and remove that. Feelings are only a social construct.

Ah, it must be this… It must be this I’ve desired for. Nonchalance…

But complacency!!

No no, this dream shouldn’t be. I shouldn’t allow such fantasy to poison me. I’ve been in that fantasy! I have no reason to remain in it!

Finally, I felt the soft mattress that was meant to be. These fluffy pillows were meant to be. The feeling of freedom was meant to be. These curtains…

These curtains need to be drawn.

So, I sluggishly stood up to withdraw the curtains. I unveiled the stunning view before my eyes.

I was a few stories up, and the higher rooms had probably a more impressive view, but now, this was fine. I had a taste of such a view.

The blinking stars, the dark, stretching clouds, the fast-moving car lights, the increasing number of the city lights, the skyscraper spire’s blinking lights, the brightening dawn of the sun’s light—wow, everything was about light.

I supposed there was a fascination with lights in human nature.

But why settle for this view when I could go atop again?

But first, I have to do my routines.

Every school day, I’d meet with old man Washini who caringly tended the plants as if they were his grandchildren. Sometimes, we’d have long talks about random things, mostly stories of his life. I thoroughly enjoyed it. There were many things I learned from him.

Gray is the age of glory.

But, today, it was time for me to share my only story.

“Um, Washini?”

“What’s it, kid?” he said in his usual, uncongenial, rough voice.

“I want to share a story.”

“Oh? A story from you? Finally! I’ve been waiting for one of your stories.”

I shared with him portions of my life.

Ever since I was a child, I was fatherless. I didn’t know if he was alive or not. My mom never mentioned it.

I was very young back then, and so was my brain, so I didn’t know how odd my family was.

There was this incident at kindergarten where I realized what I lacked: a father.

After this realization, I asked my mom about the whereabouts of my dad, but she was adamant about silence. I pestered her with the same question to no avail.

The mystery of my dad was unsolved. But I had my suspicions.

When I started middle school, Mom began to work longer hours thus coming home later into the night. Gradually, Mom minimized its presence and time in my life, but I still recognized my mom whom I was slowly forgetting her face.

Now, the only thing I remembered was her long, aging hair and her curving back.

There were still things that remained the same——the boiling kettle, the food stored in the fridge, the laundry done, the home clean. I’ve forgotten who did those things and assumed that I prepared those beforehand. In truth, I did those for myself to preserve the memory.

I craved my mom’s attention—more so for her presence. Her back would be enough for me forever, but I couldn’t have it forever.

Into junior high school, some things have changed. I saw my mom’s back fewer times than before, and I’ve inherited the routines that sustained me.

Tho home was deteriorating, but it was still clean. I had to fend for myself. But some things stayed the same, but I can’t remember which ones because of morphing memories.

Then, one day, I went out on a rainy day…

…

…

…

“Sorry, I’ve been talking about the depressing parts of my life, huh?”

“No, no, it’s fine. Continue.”

“I can talk about my schools. I remember a lot of interesting incidents and dramas of my classmates.”

“You told me some of them, but I’m honestly too old for youth, so please, tell me about that rainy day.”

“Well… The thing is…”

“I can’t remember.”

“Why are you telling me all this, Yajima?”

“I just felt like it.”

“I feel like you’re telling me a message through this story. I just don’t know what.”

“I wasn’t trying to impart a message.”

“Yajima.”

Staring into each other’s eyes, I waited for a bit, expecting him to continue, but I realized that he won’t.

“Yes?”

“Is something wrong?”

“No, there’s nothing wrong.”

“C’mon, there’s something wrong. I can see it. You can tell me all about it. I won’t tell anyone, cross my heart.”

I laughed, “Cross my heart? Who still says that?”

“Isn’t that still a thing?”

I continued laughing, but it gradually died down, “Well…maybe…” I looked to the brightening blue sky. “I’m not sure…”

Then, Washini sighed, “You have quite the childhood. Nothing crazy but very sad.”

I wanted to agree, but that seemed to be an inaccurate word for it. So, I just shrugged.

“I don’t know what it is you’re going to do, but,” he paused. “Know if you can take pride in what you’ll do. If you do this always, in everything you do, you’ll do your best. That’s how people work.”

Like a medium-rare wagyu steak, I chewed and relished his words. I’ve determined it to be good—no… If the food’s flavor explodes in my mouth, then his words sparked and lit my dark mind.

I smiled at him, “Thank you, old man. You made me confident.”

“I’m glad I was able to help, kid,” he smiled back.

When the sun's rays pierced the cloudy sky, I pulled out my phone and texted Ryuu, ‘You’re right. He’s going to dispute the bet. I’m sorry about this.’

‘wen r u goin to fight!?’

‘11:00.’

‘U R doin the righthing. dunnatbe ashamed!! we’ill mit u der!’