ISFP

This feeling of emptiness is dragging me down. Even if I have all these friends, I can't help but have this feeling.

It's to the point I'm on the verge of tearing up. I don't fear anything except:

The future.

That's what I feared the most.

I am incapable of thinking ahead. I've never liked the idea of long-term commitments.

It has caused a few problems in my life.

Breaking away from my old lifestyle was for the best. The dangers of living the life I was living is not something a human being should live. The marathon continues for self-improvement, and it's one that I'm nervous about failing to reach the finish line.

The most tedious thing about how I was living were my mood swings and aggressive reactions.

These aggressive reactions would come with things that bothered me, even if they were the littlest things.

I didn't want to be like this anymore.

My mood swings affected my everyday life, and it would be to the point I would be so angry around those I had around me or even drowning in my sadness.

It got worse with the people I surrounded myself with and still being the beginning of my smoking phase.

I'm making all these changes and finding better habits, but it's still easy to fall back into those habits I had in my past.

The emergence of my tough-guy persona created a barrier around others, not allowing them to see what I was going through.

Even failing to commit to what, I set my mind to.

Instead of venting my pain, I put this act of being okay.

Part of my insecurities has come from a program I was in elementary, middle school, and the first two years of high school.

This program always made me feel incompetent around my peers. The teacher treated me differently and gave me privileges others didn't. I never liked the idea of it and always turned them down when they were offered.

Was it pride, or was it because I didn't need them? I don't even know.

This program revolved you being around students from all grade levels. Socializing became difficult because your peers would be either too young, or much older than you.

There would always be a maturity gap that left you trapped in between two worlds.

What I disliked the most about that program was making me feel incapable of being independent.

They made us reliant on them instead of helping us with our learning problems. It became a never-ending cycle for seven years.

If they really wanted to better us, they would've, right? Some people like me wouldn't have been there for so long, but that wouldn't allow them to put food on the table, right?

I'm selfish.

So why would they want you not to need them?

I spent about seven years in this program until forcing my was out and wanting no part in it anymore.

My parents never used this against me.

Although I always managed to see the bad in it.

Seeing the bad in this program made my self-esteem worse. Always thinking less of myself.

In what would be our final meeting talking about my academic progress, I took the initiative and suggested to my teacher I no longer needed this program.

I pushed the narrative that I would be fine on my OWN without this program. She didn't hesitate and aided me in this five-month process. My parents for once were supportive in this situation, and it was one of the few times I would say what I wanted.

I cooperated with the progress even though it was tiring at times.

Around this time, I started dropping my old friend group and being distant. I no longer associated myself with those who made me feel uncomfortable with the things they were doing. 

Now I'm around those that make me enjoy myself, and I would stop doing activities that did me no good.

These people gave me a place to belong when I first arrived in town. So much would happen in this one semester, and I did a lot looking back. I proved to them that I was no longer in need of their program.

Despite resolving issues, more would soon come.

The question now is...

What am I going to do with my life?

Two years of high school left, and I have no idea what I want for myself.

This would be the beginning of one of the darkest periods of my teenage life. It would last for two years.

My watching of "explicit content" grew, and it would keep growing. I would also begin eating to the point, I was gaining so much weight in a short period.

Eventually, the COVID-19 Pandemic would come halfway through my Junior year, which lead to isolation from my friends, but not my family.

I can't complain about this period. For some people, it may have been a bad time, but for me, it was a great time.

I managed to connect myself and no longer be the soulless individual, I once was. I mellowed out and got closer to my mother. I would finally come out of that dark period after two years.