Starting over?

I feel nauseous, I feel so cold, I’m trying to open my eyes but they’re all so very blurry. I feel hunger and a raging headache, which could only mean one thing. My second suicide attempt has once again ended in another miserable failure. As I lay dumbfounded in bed, I sit and think about where it all went wrong, I believe it was my last year of high school, wasn’t it? I think to myself how many regrets I have as I stare at the strange substance going thru the tubes attached to me, they’re probably just trying to keep me alive, all very pointless.

I struggle to gather the energy to rip the tubes off of me and finally give up as they wouldn’t come off, instead I reach over and grab my phone, and as my eyes struggle to adjust to the very bright screen I see it’s almost a few hours away from new years day. I was probably asleep for a day or so, the medication I took that I was supposed to overdose on was not strong enough it seems, as I’m looking around I notice there are a lot more clipboards and cameras around the room than the first time, they were probably running more tests than usual for some reason, not that it matters anyway. As soon as they dispatch me again, I will make sure it works this time.

After a few minutes I finally get up still laying in bed with the tubes attached and drink the glass of bubbly water and burger they left me next to my phone, they probably remember the first time I ran into the street across from a very popular food stand so they might have assumed I enjoyed that restaurant or just a sick joke from the doctors themselves, nonetheless, I do enjoy that spot, shame this is probably going to be my last meal, but I wouldn’t have wanted it any other way. As I’m checking thru my phone and finish eating the door slowly opens and the doctor walks in looking unconcerned as it's just another day at work, he places the clipboard down along with some keys on another table next to some flowers someone might have left.

I wonder who left them?

“I’m glad you’re awake Maxwell, how are you feeling?”

“…”

“Ah, okay do you prefer Max then?”

“Yeah that’s fine so what happened?”

“Well, then Max I’m glad to see you're able to talk fine and you managed to finish the food we got you, I greatly appreciate that!”

“…”

“Well, anyways as you can probably tell we did have to monitor you and keep surveillance on you for the time being to make sure you didn’t have a seizure or started convulsing or things of that nature, but as the report would show, if we didn’t save you in time you probably could have died you know that?”

“Of course, I do, as you guys probably know this isn’t my first time trying to die…”

I’m sure he knows I don't understand why he’s acting dumb.

“Well, we’re doctors, it's our job you know? The last thing I would want is someone so young like yourself dying so soon! I see here you’re 23, I'm assuming school is being rough for you, or is it other problems?”

“No actually I’m not even in school, I dropped out and never graduated, there’s just too much going on and I'm sure you don't care either way, do you know when I can leave?”

“My apologies Max I don't mean to intrude I just want to understand this all, I just really wanted to know if someone like you wanted to die, or was it just some sort of accident?”

“Honestly we both know it wasn’t an accident, I don’t even want to talk about it, maybe if I didn’t fuck up back then it would’ve been different, but it's too late to think about that now it's done, and over with.”

“Understandable, don't we all wish we can go back and relive those great fond memories? Trust me I understand max.”

“I’m sure you don't understand. I don't have any friends anymore, the only people I loved hate me and I went dead broke, there’s nothing left for me anymore.”

As I finished saying that a nurse comes barging in and whispers something in the doctor's ear and he creepily gives a quick smile and goes back to his neutral face.

“Well, it appears they need me elsewhere, if you don't mind me I will be leaving, feel free to use our phones if you need any assistance with anything, have a good day sir and I will be back in a few hours.”

“…”

He gets up and walks out with the nurse without giving me a second glance.

That nurse looked very familiar for some reason? She did look very cute but she was wearing a mask so I couldn’t make out her face but I can tell she was very anxious, I wonder what that was all about?

I look over and notice he left his clipboard and keys, I start to tell him to wait up but the door is already closed, so I begin to glance at it but can’t see, so I decide to take off the remainder of the tubes attached to me and walk towards the table, as I get up I barley can stand I feel so weak and lightheaded but I begin to look thru the documents and see lots more information about me, more than I thought doctors should know. As I’m examining everything I start to think about that nurse's face and how she reminds me so much of this girl in high school whom I had a crush on for so long but lost the chance to talk to her when I fucked everything up. I wish I can redo everything over, high school, my friendships, my relationships everything! Hell, I probably could’ve just graduated as well if I put in some effort back then and didn’t get into all the mischief I did. I kinda had an idea of what I wanted to major in and what school to go to…

I look at the flowers on the table next to the clipboard, they smell fresh like someone just picked them out this morning. Oh now I remember, I wanted to major in horticulture…the reason? Oh yeah, it was that girl from high school, I can’t even remember her name now.

After a moment of just staring at the floor, I finally decide to grab the keys and look thru them, there’s a lot more than I realized, as I’m glancing thru them and notice how heavy they are when I have a thought.

I’m going to jump off the roof.

That thought has never occurred to me before, mostly because I'm scared of heights but at this point, there’s nothing else I want to do, I open the door leading outside and the light hurts my eyes as I stare at the oddly white hallway. It smells like fresh paint and everything looks unorganized for being a hospital, even the photos and posters hung on the walls look very out of place, as I’m trying to find where the rooftop access is, I notice a security guard in my peripherals…

This won’t be good, I see him going left, I immediately start going right, and how my luck might have it I see an elevator and some stairs!

Of course, the elevator doesn’t work. I go and open the door for the stairs and it goes a long way up, grabbing the handrail and slowly ascending I feel myself slowly getting weaker, how am I getting more tired? I figured I would feel much better after eating. As I get closer to the top, I notice I left the door open and the security guard I easily avoided has entered, he looks up and we make direct eye contact.

“DON’T MOVE, STAY WHERE YOU ARE”

As he screams I being to run the fastest I can, which is not very fast but I am trying my best, I’m trying not to drop the keys as I reach the door at the end and go thru the keys desperately trying to find the one that opens the door, I can hear him getting closer, my hands are so sweaty I almost drop the keys.

Klink.

The door opens, I go outside and I can feel the very cold air hit my face, oh it feels so good actually and this view overlooks the city, it looks so great and peaceful. I can hear him yelling and getting closer, I shut the door this time and start running towards the edge as I fall straight on the asphalt and I am feeling much worse. I hear him open the door, I gather the rest of my energy and go towards the edge ready to jump, I close my eyes…I hear a faint laugh…my mind goes black…

…

…

…

*BZZT BZZT BZZT*

What? I turn over and shut off that noise as its second nature as if I have been doing it for years…wait I have? Back in high school? What's going on?

I slowly open my eyes and look around and it's my room. Not my worn-down room I was renting but my old room at my parent's home. What’s happening?

I check my phone and the date is August 1st 20XX.

Today is the first day of my senior year of high school.