Canto XI: Sic Vita Est

A week or so after the festival ended, Fetail found a good moment to ask Alumdena if she knew anything about everybody’s odd behaviour due to her control over shadows. And, of course, Almudena said she didn't know a thing, but that she'd keep an eye on the situation. Thus Fetail would have to do everything by her lonesome, as she had expected. "Such is the life of the one who embodies the future, it's fine." She muttered that as she made herself comfortable in the bus's seat.

Fetail had resolved herself to take a step in the direction of immortality while looking for clues on their unnaturally peaceful situation. And that first step consisted of a trip to Montserrat, near Barcelona. So she took a bus from Carcabuey to Córdoba, and then took a high-speed train from Córdoba to Barcelona. And she was on her way from Barcelona to Montserrat, leaning her head against the window of the bus. When she got there, she'd have to take the mountain railway to get her to the monastery, which was her objective.

Fetail was dizzy out of her mind, and she could barely speak, lest she throw up in her gas mask. But she knew one thing: Because she told her friends her destination, she knew very well they were tailing her. They wouldn't just let her go alone. She was very glad they were such good friends, but they were a bit too overbearing at times for Fetail's liking. As the self-declared most sane inhabitant of their household, she felt like she had a duty to take care of her wacky friends. So, while they tailed her, she made sure to clear the way ahead so they didn't have any problems like trees in the road, blocked streets, etc…

Fetail was dozing off and was starting to have her thoughts clouded over, but she knew that her friends would be fine: Their biggest issue would be the language barrier, but Imperator the Andorran could speak Catalan fluently, one could say it had been safely removed. She spoke the northwestern variant of Catalan, but apart from some differences, they weren't that far apart.

Fetail herself wasn’t too good at it, but could handle basic conversations in that language. Anyways, she could always try Spanish or English if the area wasn’t too rural.

The bus suddenly stopped, and as a groggy Fetail looked out of the window, she could see they had stopped at their destination: The foot of the mountain. Fetail got off and shambled over to the mountain railway station, in front of which they had stopped. After a few minutes, she was on the tiny, tiny rack railway, being dragged to her destination. It was uneventful, and she eventually got off into the area around the abbey, which was quite imposing and very crowded! She crossed the road and walked straight until she found a set of stairs between a tourist information point and what appeared to be a museum. Walking past the open iron doors and past the stone arch, she climbed up the stairs which led up to a square.

It was rather late, and she was hungry: She had left at 10 PM, getting to Córdoba at 12:30 PM. From there, she had boarded a high-speed train and arrived in Barcelona at 4:30 AM, more or less. Of course, she was mentally exhausted when she got there, so she rented a room in an inn and slept there until 10:50 AM. Then, she rushed to her closest bus station and boarded her bus at 12:12 AM. Finally, she arrived at her final destination at 2:37 PM.

She felt like she needed a bite, so she took a few more steps and was about to turn to the left, following a path between an art museum further to her right and a large building to her left which contained a post office and an interactive museum: At the end of that path, beyond that gate, was a nice café to eat at.

But she was stopped in her tracks by a crowd which had formed in a small square to her right: A bunch of high school students, controlled by their teachers, were having lunch and occasionally looking at a huge building located at the end of said square: It was where Montserrat’s choir of young men lived, and the legendary Abbey.

But there was another reason for such a crowd: In a small depression in the square, Fetail could see a small cat made of dust duking it out against a large scorpion made of sand. Of course, the culprits were Hadrinyan, Gladstone and Imperator, who were entertaining some of the high schoolers and some of their teachers. How had her friends arrived before her? She had no idea, but she was more concerned with hiding: She climbed up a nearby tree and watched them all from there.

A few high schoolers were surprised at her sudden appearance, but one You’ll regret making a spectacle out of my presence glare from her was enough to make them look elsewhere. The rest of the crowd was centred around Godofreda, who was teaching her mixed audience about the wonders of archaeology, talking about her experience as a member of Olivia’s household, and occasionally being petted by enterprising students.

Finally, the crowd around Voytek was mostly made out of young men, who observed intently as she regaled them with stories of her reign and taught them all about chivalry and its finer points. They were all having a great time: The students were able to witness the beauty of Magical Girls from up close, and the Protection Squadron was able to get in touch with people from outside the village.

Fetail watched them as they shared parts of their packed meals with her friends. The fox girl’s tails suddenly let go of the branches they were holding onto, as a result of a crow landing next to her which spooked the daylights out of her. Thus, she ended up falling from the tree with a tremendous thud, falling headfirst. The pavement dented at the impact, and everybody turned to look at the source of the noise. Such was the embarrassment that she felt, that Fetail ended up taking a few steps away from the tree and then vigorously caught fire, her limbs turning into jelly, as they always did. ‘’Cazzo, ho fatto una cazzata." That meant something like Shit, I screwed up.

"This body isn't made for things like this. Haaaah, being me is a pain. But if I were not Fetail, I would also wish to be Fetail."

The flaming fox-girl propped herself up with her tails. "Behold, Aristhenes's Magical Girl!" Aristhenes was a Philosopher Magical Girl who had attempted to define Magical Girls with an exceedingly vague definition. And thus, Fetail was mocking her definition. Just like Diogenes and Plato! Fetail was heading down a strange path, but perhaps that was what fit her the most.

Imperator confidently approached Fetail and snapped her fingers: Her Atavistic Sand Emperor activated and enveloped Fetail in a localised sandstorm, managing to put out the flames which had enveloped her. The sandstorm then vanished, and Imperator took advantage of that to make fun of her sand-covered friend: She dumped an additional bucketload of sand onto her! "Behold, a sand fox, gobi!" Some people never changed.

Since the fire was gone, her limbs had gone back to normal, and she shook the sand off herself, ensuring that it all ended up on Imperator. "Little Zoya, you win this time, gobi: You found us before we could find you, gobi! I'm so proud of you: At this rate, you'll leave us all in the dust soon, gobi!" Seeing her best friend so happy, she couldn't deny her, so Fetail merely endured Imperator's tight and rather painful embrace. Suddenly, a question appeared in her mind.

"Haaaaah. Imperator, is your tail's stinger poisonous? I can’t believe I never asked you." The rabbit-scorpion thought about it for a moment, and then shrugged. "Do I look like I know, gobi? It is my theory that it contains some sort of tranquilliser, gobi." Imperator turned around and beckoned Voytek over. "How can we help you, Imperator?" She asked, eager to help.

Imperator replied with a short sentence: "Stand still, gobi." And then stung her with her stinger's tail.

Voytek fell over and fell asleep on the spot. "My theory was right, gobi. No hi ha ningú com jo, gobi!" Imperator was so busy gloating she didn’t notice a very angry-looking Hadrinyan coming to whack her in the head for doing something so reckless and stupid. Incidentally, the cat made of dust and the sand scorpion had both fallen apart the moment they stopped paying attention.

"You idiooootttt!" Hadrinyan grabbed Imperator by her bunny ears and then delivered a mighty hammer-like blow to her head, sinking her from the waist down into the pavement. Another day, another Imperator-made pothole. Truly, she was the greatest enemy of any road or pavement! Godofreda waddled over and playfully stepped on Imperator's head. "You were mean to my Fetail! Repent, rabbit-scorpion, repent!" To Imperator, it was but a rather pleasant massage. "Godster, you're not half bad at this, gobi!"

Godofreda stopped after hearing those words, clearly disgusted. So she hid behind Fetail, who had a look which said I knew this would happen on her face. "Protect me from this monster, Fetail!"

"It's your fault for stepping on her. Haaaah. One, two, three… Come out, radish rabbit." Fetail picked Imperator up by her ears and pulled her out of the hole she was in. Fetail placed her friend over her shoulder like a sack of potatoes, and put Voytek in a similar position. "What the hell, you're both extremely heavy. Go on a diet or something. Haaaah."

Fetail looked around and saw that the crowds had left, probably because it wasn't safe to be around Magical Girls and their associates when they started quarrelling. Thus, they were alone, once again. "Haaaaaah. I'm going for a bite, come along if you want."

Fetail started walking, albeit with great difficulty, towards the café-restaurant at the end of the path. She walked and walked, followed by Hadrinyan and Godofreda and Gladstone. She was halfway there, but she couldn’t bear it anymore: She grabbed the two girls she was carrying and threw them at Hadrinyan, who skilfully caught them. "I can't do it, so you do it for me."

Fetail then skipped to the entrance of the café, located in a little and comfy square, unburdened. Imperator's eyes were spinning around, dizzy at being thrown around, but she’d recover fast. Godofreda poked Voytek's face, but she didn’t react, continuing to doze away. Hadrinyan was full from the meals the students had showered, so she waited outside the café with Voytek, while everyone else went inside to have a burger. Hadrinyan stared at the imposing building which hosted the café: A large, cream-colored hostel. And to her right was a similar building, but she knew it was an apartment complex. Perhaps Fetail had rented a room there.

‘’Something is about to happen.’’ Hadrinyan sensed something was afoot and sat down on a stone band which surrounded a tree and some bushes, acting as a bench. She could call her mascot to her side if needed, but he was busy making sure they didn’t fully empty Hadrinyan-Olivia’s wallet. He was unavailable at the most inconvenient times…

Voytek made a strange groan and opened her eyes, finding herself lying on Hadrinyan’s lap. ‘’Eh… We are sorry for falling prey to such a petty trick. We swear not to trust that woman again.’’

The cat-maid patted the groggy girl’s horns. ‘’Hmph! It is good that you can learn from your mistakes, but you should know that trusting your allies is necessary, even if they go overboard sometimes. But I have decided, that dummy is going to get the scolding of a lifetime when I get the chance! It’s not like I care about you and it’s not like I got mad for your sake or anything, alright?! It’s simply a matter of discipline, and a matter of not having my rival tricked into strange situations. Understood, Voytek?’’

The girl nodded slightly, staring at the sky with a vacant expression. ‘’We have something to say. It is about that fox girl… She is keeping her court empty on purpose. To fulfil her ambition, she must do just that. But we think she's lonely because of that, we think that she is like a prisoner awaiting her execution. Her dream is like a star: Lonely but pure. And she must one day leave us all behind for the sake of that dream: That dream shall not be abandoned."

Voytek got off her rival's lap and sat down next to her. "If we are to be a good rival to you, then we must take care of those who are in need. So, dear rival, may we pamper Fetail like if she were our little sister? She is most cute!" Hadrinyan looked incredulous, but then her expression turned to resignation. "So many words to say Fetail is lonely, I want to pamper her."

The cat-maid sighed and cleaned some dust off the bench. "Go pamper her all you like. It's not like we desperately want to pamper such a moody girl or anything, but we shall leave in your care: A leader must make sacrifices." Her expression read We will fluff and pamper her more than you, prepare yourself! Voytek understood her rival's true feelings, and shook her hand. "We shall compete fair and square." She looked delighted to compete. Hadrinyan, however, looked like she was regretting her life decisions.

Out of the blue, their noggins were clobbered by a powerful strike. The fact was that Fetail had demolished her food at lightning speed and stepped outside to enjoy the breeze a bit… And she had caught most of their little chat! Thus, to show her irritation, she had struck their heads with her wooden shoes, and she ended up standing on their heads. "As if I didn't have enough with Godofreda, Imperator and Olivia, now you two are trying to join in. I have no interest in having more sisters: I have enough with the real thing… "

But of course, the involved parties objected to Fetail's objection, so Godofreda dashed out of the restaurant and tackle-hugged Fetail, throwing her to the ground. "Protect me from Imperator, Big Sis Fetail! She’s scary when using her magic!" Godofreda looked afraid at first, but being around Fetail calmed her down fast.

Fetail looked like she wanted to cry from how the world was going out of its way to annoy her. "Haaaah. This is what happens when you leave a little domestic animal next to an apex predator. Now, would you please get off me? You’re heavy.’’

"No way, I'm not letting go! You're warm and fluffy!" Fetail knew she'd react like that, so she took a silver dog whistle out of her pocket, pointed at the ground next to her, and blew the whistle. "Sit, Godofreda!"

Godofreda instantly got off Fetail and sat down where indicated, a confused look on her face. The silver whistle disintegrated into a fine mist, having served its purpose.

The confused dog-girl blankly stared at Fetail, who wore a smug expression on her face. "I am always one step ahead of you, Goddy."

"You're so mean, Clocky! Why must you reject me in this way?! You know, I've spoken to Olivia-Hadrinyan, and I have decided to go against what Almudena told me. I'll make you mine, and only mine! I will reject my unnatural affection for Olivia-Hadrinyan for your sake!" That was what Godofreda cried.

Fetail put her hands in her pockets and looked at a falcon soaring through the sky. "I refuse to be anyone's possession. I will not be chained down. I will not be restrained. Not by you, not by anyone… Not even by them. When dealing with them, I've kept running away. But I have improved, it's time to face them. Haaaaah, my sisters are a pain to deal with. But they're still my sisters…" Godofreda wanted to complain but upon seeing that Fetail was fondly remembering, she didn't. Nobody was saying anything, and Fetail looked like she was enjoying having ruined the mood.

The mood in the air had turned awkward, so Imperator chose that moment to stroll back to her group of friends, having demolished the café's stock of hamburgers. Even Gladstone could not stop a force of nature like her! Luckily for everyone involved, and for Hadrinyan's wallet, Imperator had figured out a way of paying with sand: Since she could control and create any type of sand, she

tried to extract titanium out of ironsand… And it worked! She dumped the massive pile of titanium on her table and left. Imperator ignored the fact that she'd left the place covered in sand.

As she left, Gladstone rushed to Hadrinyan to tell her that they now had a money-printing machine in the family. Imperator saw Godofreda looking quite dejected, and correctly guessed that she'd been rejected again. "Little Zoya is Little Zoya, gobi. Godster, I'm not telling you to give up: She is not heartless, and she is as soft inside as she is outside, gobi. But it appears that she is being really stubborn this time, and that your current strategy is not working, gobi. If you want to devour your prey, you must always adapt your strategy: If attacking head on won't do the trick, then you'll have to exploit a weak point of hers, gobi. So go for it, and make her fall for you, gobi!"

Godofreda mulled it over and nodded, full of energy once again. "Understood! I'll try a different strategy, then, Hare-Hare. You know, you’re scary, but you’re reliable when it matters the most! I’ll do it, I’ll change my strategy, for the sake of winning her heart!’’ Godofreda was brimming with confidence this time around. She would not fail!

‘’Oi, I can hear you. Don’t discuss your strategy where I can hear it, dumb dog, dumb rabbit-scorpion. Good grief, surely things can’t get more troublesome than this.’’ Fetail said those words with full knowledge that it would make things worse. But it would probably divert attention from her, so she thought it was worth it. Oh, how it would backfire in her! ‘’Someone’s calling me? That’s unusual.’’

Fetail felt her phone vibrate, emitting a jaunty rendition of Farewell of Slavianka. She removed it from her parka’s pocket. Her suspicions were confirmed upon seeing the caller’s name, her face went from mild irritation, to confusion, to absolute horror. Her face blanched, and she put it back in her pocket. ‘’If I can’t see it, she can’t send me to the gulag.’’ The phone rang again, this time playing a rendition of Funiculi Funicula. She knew exactly who it was this time. She looked like she had accepted her death, making everyone except Imperator very worried about her. But Imperator, being her best friend and knowing what was going on, knew that there was no use in worrying: What would happen, would happen.

Imperator gave them a thumbs-up: ‘’Her sisters are now after her, gobi. They're harmless to anyone but her, gobi. They're very good girls, those two, gobi. But I still can't fully believe that Totenslag and Siberian Quasar are her sisters, gobi…"

Godofreda jumped in shock: "THEY are HER sisters?! They’re both top examples of popular Magical Girls: Totenslag is extremely well known in the heavy metal world, and Siberian Quasar is a legend among jazz fans! Not like I listen to them, since I’m more of a mediaeval music fan, but still! They’re super famous!’’

Voytek, who was listening intently, shrugged. ‘’We do not know those music genres. We merely know what the travelling minstrels sang. We have so much to learn…’’

Hadrinyan patted Fetail’s back: ‘’Heh, look at that: You rejected Godofreda, and you received swift karmic punishment. I knew this would happen, as expected from me! But I hope they don’t come near me. It’s not like I’m scared of your sisters, ok!?’’

Fetail’s phone vibrated again: She was being bombarded with messages from her sisters. But why now? She hadn’t been slacking off excessively. She checked her messages in her most used messaging app, and saw that both her sisters were flooding her with messages, with the younger sister, Totenslag, having sent 50 messages in mere seconds. Her older sister was more slow-paced, sending about 3 per second. Most of them were nonsense, but the initial messages were important…

Godofreda was, of course, peeking at the messages, and she was overjoyed to see what Siberian Quasar had suggested: The sister of the girl she fancied, approving and even recommending their relationship? This was great news for her!

So, beaming, she leaned her head against Fetail’s face. ‘’Clocky, gulags aren’t fun, right? They’re painful and cold, right? Siberia is a cold place, right? You wouldn’t want to be sent there by your sister, riiiiight?’’

Fetail looked at her as if she were looking at a strange insect. ‘’Haaaah. That won't work on me, Goddy. I don't care if it's you or my sisters, none of you will force me into doing something I really don't want to, be it a relationship, or being sent to a gulag. I will resist until I am nothing but a flaming pile of goo, if need be. Now, I'm off to look for the Holy Grail.’’

She took a few steps towards the abbey in the square and then turned her head to look at her comrades: "You should know that the gears of the world will soon start moving once again: Someone had to take the initiative, and that someone was, of course, me. So keep up with me, or you'll be left behind." She turned around again and stuck her hands in her pockets.

"Haaaah. It appears that Part 1 was a success. Will I ever find out who stuck their hands in the gears of the world? I doubt it. What a pain that is to live in such a bizarre universe!" Part 2 of her plan would soon begin. What would happen next? Would it go well, or would it turn into a train wreck?

                                                                            ☆☆☆