Chapter 10:

I want to kill myself

THE EX-MAFIA BOSS IS A CONVENIENCE STORE CLERK?!

“Let’s head inside.” Said Aoi as she bent down to pull me up.

“GET AWAY FROM ME!” I yelled as I pushed and kicked her away.

Aoi fell.

A harsh crack followed as her body hit the sharp edge of the fence and she fell face first into a large puddle of water. There was a sharp tearing sound. The puddle was painted red. Aoi didn’t move. She laid there, face in the puddle. Her hair came undone and was floating freely in the water. Her clenched fists relaxed.

It kept raining.

The raindrops danced around Aoi’s body, making playful ripples in the red water.

I watched. Aoi looked so peaceful, as if she were asleep.

I smiled.

I laughed.

Laughed.

LAUGHED.

I felt evil. Like a true criminal. Ha.

Ha.

HA!

This was the mafia. What did I expect? People die for the smallest things all the time.

Ha!

I’ve gone soft, so did Aoi. If she were still back in the Tokyo Ravens, she would have never been killed like this.

Fucking Aoi. Why did I fall for someone weak like her? Why did she even dare fall for me? I’m her boss, fucking leagues away from her.

Ha!

This was exhilarating!

Killing was fun.

I watched Aoi, a wide smile spread across my face.

I pushed myself up and dragged myself towards her. I felt my pants and my flesh tearing as they scraped against the pavement.

I ran out of energy before I reached her. The pain was too much for me. Physically. Mentally. Emotionally.

I laid right in front of Aoi. I notice the rain carrying her blood towards me. It was staining my clothes with it.

Aoi’s blood. The blood of such a pretty woman.

I opened my mouth, and let my tongue loose. I pressed it against the cold pavement, lapping up her warm blood.

Iron. It tastes like iron. It tastes like Aoi.

I kept lapping like a hungry street dog. My tongue was on fire as it scraped against the rough pavement. Now my blood mingled with hers. Just thinking about that made me tingle with delight.

I kept lapping her blood. I kept getting burned from the pain of my tongue being scraped away.

Ha.

HA!

Fuck.

FUCK!

The fuck am I doing?! Aoi! I have to save Aoi! She can’t be dead! Not from that!

I finally came to my senses.

Despite the burning pain on my tongue. Despite the searing sensation of my scrapes. Despite the legs that won’t move when I tell them to move. Despite the piercing in my chest.

I have to move.

Everyone had gone inside. It’s up to me.

Come on Gray! Deep breath. Move!

Fucking Gray MOVE!!!

My two arms finally obeyed my command as they pushed me back up. However, they gave up and I fell. Water splashed as I disturbed a puddle. I felt the crack of one of my ribs.

DAMN.

I tried again. Deep breath, grit my teeth. The pain. The heat. The cold. The loneliness. The tightness. FUCK ALL THAT! None of these matter. What matters is saving Aoi.

Again.

Come on. Again!

My arms responded again, this time, I forced them stiff. I’m not falling. I won’t fall.

Good.

Next up would be getting my legs to work.

They’re broken. They won’t respond at all. Damn it. It’s not about whether they can or can’t. They must!

They won’t respond. Come on! Come on!!!

Pain shot through me as if I had thousands of bulls rampaging in my stomach. Good! I’ve at least got some sensation in my legs, however painful it may be, it will do.

I reached out and grabbed a large stick that was near me, I clamped it in my jaw. I then forced my right leg to respond. I grit my teeth, tightened my jaw, my leg was moving! I moved it into a kneeling position. Now stand!

It won’t move. My teeth were digging into the stick, the bitterness of the tree’s sap infused with the blood on my tongue. Slowly, I stood up. My face tightened and grimaced, I felt like my eyes would be squeezed out.

I stood up. The stick I was biting onto completely snapped in my mouth. I felt hundreds of small splinters stick into my tongue, on the roof of my mouth. I spat out as much of the twig as possible. Then, I gurgled the smaller pieces down along with my blood.

I felt a sudden tinge, then another. I didn’t know what happened, but my eyes started hurting a lot. A sheet of red came down both eyes. Crap. I popped my eye vessels. My vision of the world was stained red.

I kept walking. Painfully each step. However, each step was firm and without a wobble.

The rain kept pouring. Cold and harsh. Relentless.

My mouth was overwhelmed with pain. Hundreds of splinters stuck inside, my tongue was in tatters and bleeding. The blood kept filling up in my mouth. I had to keep spitting it out so that I don’t choke on it.

I finally reached Aoi.

She was lying there, face down in the dark red puddle. She was defenseless, helpless, so exposed. I was craving something. Yeah.

I saw her had her belly exposed, her shirt had been ruffled up. She had lots of holes all over her clothes everywhere. She never showed this much skin before, unless she was in the bath. However, seeing her thinly covered, helpless, and drenched wet had made me start craving even more.

If I were to do something to her right now, she would never know.

Fuck.

What am I thinking?!

Was I really this kind of a person all along?

Calm down Gray! Calm down!

…

Ok. There.

I bent over, I didn’t grimace this time. I was getting used to the pain.

I picked Aoi up. She was lighter than I had thought. I then turned her over facing up.

I leaned in and put my ear near her nose. I didn’t feel any breathing. Damn it. I checked her pulse. Nothing.

DAMN IT!

Stay calm.

Things are going to be alright. Aoi had drowned, I can still save her.

I quickly tilted her head to the side, letting water drain out of her mouth and nose, then I turned it back facing up. I lowered my face towards hers, I took my right hand and pinched her nose as my lips met with hers. I gave her four strong breaths.

Her chest rose each time I breathed into her. However, they remained still after that. Come on! Another time!

Aoi’s chest remained still. Another time!

Again!

Again!!!

No matter how many times I did it, Aoi remained motionless. I turned my head to the side and hacked up more blood. Aoi’s face was covered in her blood, and mine. She had a large scrape on her forehead, it was bleeding.

I can’t give up. God-Damn it. I’m sorry. I’m sorry! Fuck.

I’m so evil.

I pressed my lips against hers again. Four large breaths! Again! Once more!

I was running out of breath. My lungs were squeezed dry of oxygen. However, I kept forcing more out.

My body can’t support me anymore. My limbs wobbled and went limp. My face fell onto Aoi’s stomach. My hands went to my sides. I cried. Damn. This hurts. It really hurts.

Her stomach was smooth, pale, and cold. Up close, I saw goosebumps appear on it. It smelled like Aoi. I like this smell.

Fuck.

I couldn’t get off of her.

“Sorry Aoi.” I whimpered, my voice was crying.

“I’ve always had eyes for you, ever since you beat me near death the day we met.” Fuck it. What am I doing? Confessing to Aoi when she was dead. I should have told her this when she was still alive!

“I… I guess I never had the chance to make you happy huh… I never appreciated you as much as I should have.” I swear, I’m going crazy. However, I kept going. It kept raining. The pain kept searing. My tears kept coming.

Blood filled my mouth as I kept speaking. Speaking of how sorry I was, how regretful I was. Blood kept filling and filling. I kept speaking. Finally, I choked as the blood entered my lungs.

My body heaved as I hacked up blood. The blood went all over her stomach. Damn, how much am I going to defile her?

“I love you.” I whispered. I wasn’t sure why, but I just felt like I had to get it out.

A hand stroked my hair, it played with it, combing through it, ruffling it. The hand was pale, slender, and soft.

“I love you too.” Whispered Aoi. She smiled at me, her eyes were misted with tears. “I love you and I forgive you. I love you too much.” Said Aoi, her words were the faintest whisper against the roaring of the rain.

“Yeah, stupid Aoi loves me too much. I’m a dangerous man.” I said as I smiled back at her. I was excited. I was torn. I don’t deserve this, yet here it was. I didn’t have the energy to do anything else other than rest my head against her cool stomach.

I took out my phone and called Evan.

As we waited for help to arrive, I laid on Aoi’s stomach as we both told jokes to each other.

When Evan came, I gave him a bloody smile and a thumbs up.

“Congrats buddy” He said, however, he didn’t question any further. We were brought to the hospital.

I felt a pang to my chest, the heart rate monitor started beating really fast. My lungs were expanding in and out, I couldn't breath. It feels as if an invisible hand was squeezing both my lungs and my heart. I felt a heave from my stomach, my throat started burning. I quickly sat up and hung my head to the side of the bed.

My throat burned as blood came out of it. My heart burns, my lungs burn. I saw bright flashes, were they from the hospital lights? Or were they…

Black.

A color which represents the lack of light. Lack of anything really.

Flash

Oh, wait, there’s something.

Wait, that’s me! And there’s Red, Momma was yelling at us for making Eiko cry…

Another flash appeared and now there’s me in front of a large cake, there was Momma, Eiko, Red and Julius… my twelfth birthday!

I see now.

I guess your life really does flash before your eyes when you die.

I can’t feel anything. It was painful moments ago. Now I’m painless.

I don’t feel anything. Is it warm or cool? Where is up and where is down?

Everything is just…