Chapter 15:

The Voice

Mysterious Rose

I’m not sure what Shoji wants to know about me… But maybe it’s alright to tell him some things. First I ask,

“What do you want to know?”

“Well I had just thought that Rose is a unique name. I don’t know of any students by that name at school. Is it a nickname or something?”

“Yes, something like that. I’d prefer to go by Rose.”

“Ah, I see. I’m also curious about what year you’re in. Is this your first year here?”

“No, it’s my second.”

“Right, you knew Kitahashi-kun was on the student council last year. Forgive me for the dumb question. So you’re a second year and you like to go by Rose. What are your hobbies, Rose?”

“That’s alright. I usually watch TV, read, or doodle. What are your hobbies?”

“Those all sound fun. I guess my hobbies include student council work. I don’t have much free time with school and my home life. There are some times where I’m free and don’t know what to do with myself. This is one of those times actually. I appreciate you texting me and having a conversation to fill this gap.”

“Maybe you could find a hobby unrelated to school and your home life to fill that gap. What are you good at?”

“Ah, are you going to help me? That’s very kind. As for what I’m good at, I’d say I’m a decent cook. I cook for my family which I enjoy. Sometimes I patch up my family’s clothes so I’m alright at sewing as well. I’m good at my student council work.”

“Cooking and sewing could be hobbies. You could try new recipes for fun, or you could sew something new for fun. If you have the time, you could explore other hobbies as well.”

“You’re right, you’re very knowledgeable. I’ll look into that if I have the time. By the way, you must get good grades in school? You don’t have to answer that if you don’t want to.”

“I’m just sharing advice that I’ve heard before… but thank you. My grades are alright, B’s and A’s.”

“That’s excellent! I can tell that you’re intelligent and study well. If you do struggle with certain classes, I could try to help tutor you if you’d like. Helping students like you is also a part of my student council duties.”

“Thank you for the offer, I’ll think about it.”

“Of course. It was nice chatting with you, Rose. I'm afraid my free time is up now. Let’s talk again sometime though, as long as you’re alright with that.”

“Sure, let’s talk again.”

I’m glad that it seems like he’s respectful and won’t pry into my actual name or try to meet me in person… He’s definitely different compared to the others that I’ve talked to… I think we’ll get along well.

Yuasa had to ruin my good mood as he usually does during my club the next day. I was whispering to Kishi about my conversation with Shoji when he came over and sat with us.

“Did I hear Iwasaki-kun’s name?” he asked.

Kishi and I looked at him as he sat across from us.

“You shouldn’t eavesdrop…” I said.

“I wasn’t trying to, I just happened to hear his name. Did he help you or something like he keeps running around doing?”

“I just talked with him a little.”

“Well, whatever. I came over here because I was thinking about your friend Rose. If you’re willing to give up her identity now, I’m all ears.”

I just stared at him in disbelief.

“Like I thought, you won’t… Since I was thinking about it, I thought about you and how you’re hiding something too.”

“What…?” What is he trying to start now?

“Why hide your eyes if you can see without glasses? Why hide your face with your hair if you don’t seem so shy anymore? These questions have come up and have been lingering in my head. How about you explain why already?”

“I… I don’t have to explain–”

He leaned over the table to look at my face. I tilted my head down and brushed my bangs out of instinct.

“Is there something wrong with your face?” he finally asked.

I froze at the question. Does he… know…? If he doesn’t, is he just trying to find out…? I don’t like it. I don’t like it at all. Why can’t he just leave me alone? Does he like messing with me that much? He’s just an insensitive jerk… Is he really trying to make me cry again…?

I can’t show my face. I can’t let anyone see. That’s what I always tell myself since the incident. Since I saw the scars in the mirror. I can’t even look at my own face in the mirror anymore… Does he really want to see that? Why does he have to be so curious about it? I hate it… I hate him…

“Saki…?” Kishi chimed in when I didn’t answer and was just frozen.

“I…” I finally spoke. “I don’t have to tell you anything… I don’t have to do anything just because you want it…” I looked up at him through my glasses. “I won’t ever show you my face, you jerk.”

Before I could get a response, I quickly stood up and hurried out of the library. My vision is blurry as I hurry down the hall. It’s stupid… These tears are stupid… Yuasa is stupid… These scars are stupid… Why do I have to live like this? Why do I have to constantly be reminded of what happened? I just want to forget… I want to live without fear… I just can’t take this anymore.

“Saki!” I didn’t realize that Kishi was running after me until he grabbed my arm and I was pulled to a stop.

I couldn’t look at him. I sniffled and tried to wipe my face.

“Saki… Are you okay?”

I sniffed again. I shook my head.

“...I’m sorry… It seemed like something was wrong. But unlike Kitahashi-san, I wanted to wait until you were ready to tell me… I wasn’t sure how serious it was, but since you never brought it up, I wondered if it was more serious than I originally thought. Kitahashi-san shouldn’t have asked you like that… But I can’t help wanting to know too. Saki, aren’t we friends…? You can open up to me… I promise I won’t run away after you tell me, if that’s what you’re worried about. I’ll always be there for you and I’ll always support you. Just like you’ve done for me.”

He slowly let go of my arm. I sniffled some more and wiped my nose. The voice in my head doesn’t want to believe him. It keeps saying that I look like a monster. That I can’t ever show my face. That there’s no one who will accept me… Except for my father since he’s obligated to love his only daughter. I can’t show anyone else this horrendous face… I’ll ruin the relationships that I have with others…

“Saki… Do you just like me for my face?”

“Huh?” I couldn’t help turning my head to look at him.

“My face… When you talk to me or hang out with me, is it just because my face is cute?”

“No… We’re friends, it’s more than that…”

“Then if my face looked different… Would you have been my friend then?”

“Um… I think so…” We met through the announcement board event. If he looked different enough that he wasn’t chosen for that, then I’m not sure if we would have ever met… But maybe if we met in a different way… With his kindness, we probably would still become friends…

“So?” Kishi smiled. “Does your face still matter for our friendship?”

The voice is saying don’t believe him, don’t believe him… He’ll shirk away from my face… Our friendship will be ruined.

“Saki…” He took my hand. “I’m friends with you because of the kindness and thoughtfulness you’ve shown me. I never cared about your face or what you looked like. No matter what you show me now, I’ll always be your friend. I won’t force you to do anything that you’re not ready for yet either.”

The thing about that voice in your head is that it’ll always be there pulling you down. You have to decide not to listen to it. You won’t get anywhere in life if you keep listening to its negativity. I won’t be able to get past this moment if I don’t ignore it… Who would you rather believe? The always negative voice in your head? Or the friend in front of you now, saying that they’ll accept you from the bottom of their heart?

“Kishi… I’m scared…”

“That’s alright, you don't have to tell me now.”

“No… I want to believe you…” I grabbed his hand. “You’re my friend and I want to open up to you just as you have with me… I just… I just get in my head and I remember the incident and I get scared…”

“...the incident…?”

“I want to tell you about it… If you want to hear about it…”

“Of course. I’ll listen to anything you want to say. I’m here for you.”

His sincere eyes made me smile a little. I sniffed again before nodding.

“Okay… I’ll tell you. Even if I am still scared.” He squeezed my hand in response. “Are you free after school…?”

He nodded. “Yes! Well, I do have homework… But this is more important!”

“I think your mother would be upset hearing that…”

“She…She’ll understand…!” He looked frazzled.

I let out a small laugh. “It’s alright, I’m joking. I won't take up all of your time anyway.”

“Right…” He laughed a little too.

After I calmed down, I checked the time on my phone. “There’s still time in our club…”

Kishi was quiet. He looked around at the empty hallway. “We could… just leave…”