In the end, I didn't confess first

Today was the day of his results. 

I knew I should have chosen a better day to do it since this was his day and he was going to be really anxious but I didn’t find it in me to cause him any distress during his exams. If he had failed because of me, I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself. Even if I wanted to do something, he still hadn’t made an appearance at school. It made me wonder if his parents had changed their minds about letting him take the exams of the university he wanted and he was at home fighting with them. I had tried to pry some information from Karuizawa-sensei but to no avail. He had even refused to see Matsuda as if he knew that I had used her as a cover. Not knowing what was going on in his life or how he was doing, was more devastating than I had ever imagined and I didn’t want to go through it ever again. If I would have to, it would be decided by today and my idea of making it up to him. If this didn’t work, I didn’t know what would. I had put my all into it and was still trying to convince myself to not turn around and walk away before I had to die from embarrassment. It was worth it. I knew it was.

I arrived at the university he was applying for a lot of time before the allotted one and I was mostly alone there, looking around or at the empty board being the only one there who wasn’t an applicant. I didn’t dare look at anyone around me, let alone inquire about the whole process or anything else even if I didn't know much about it or how it worked.

I looked up at the sky and narrowed my eyes at the burning sun. The weather was extremely hot and I found it hard to breathe but I wasn’t going to back down so easily. I kept on looking at the sunlight with determination wanting to let him know that nothing would stop me from doing what I planned today. 

The rest of my body had other plans, however. I had been so nervous about all this and so melancholic to be apart from him, more than I could have ever guessed, that I still hadn't been able to sleep properly and my stomach clenched stubbornly everytime I tried to put some food into it like a child throwing a tantrum. I was hit by a bit of dizziness and nausea and people were starting to come towards me making my breathing become difficult and they were looking at me and he was right there looking around frantically. Wait what?! He was here! He had arrived! I needed to hide before I ruined this moment for him. He was alone? Why was he alone? Not even his brother came with him? I peered at his face unable to move. I was petrified. If I tried walking, I had a terrible inkling that I wasn’t going to hide but run towards him. My whole body reacted to his presence. His body pulled mine like a magnet and I wasn’t sure how much longer I would be able to hold myself to place. I hadn’t seen him for weeks but it had felt so much longer. Like a lifetime. He looked older, more mature, his hair had even grown a bit. I ached to touch him and talk to him. Nothing else mattered, every other detail and piece of information was forgotten and my mind was filled with him.

As the time approached, more people started coming. They pushed and pulled trying to go closer to the place where the board was going to appear with the results. There were so many of them between us but I could still see him so clearly. The announcement board was taken out by some staff members. He took a look at the board. I watched as if time was flowing in an entirely different way for me. I noticed the change of his expression as it started lifting and he turned behind him with the brightest smile on his lips to celebrate. But nobody was there. He wouldn’t have anyone to congratulate him and share this with him. His expression started falling when he turned back in the front and froze. His eyes met mine with shock, not only because I was there but because I had lost control of my body and was running towards him. I was hit by some elbows but I stroke right back without stopping until I slammed onto his body -meeting him in the middle as he had been moving towards me as well even if with less enthusiasm- and curled my feet and hands around his torso letting him support my weight fully.

“Oof” He let out as he barely kept his balance. I didn’t let him say anything more. I was happy he was there, I was exhilarated that I could see him and I was hella excited for his success. I took him by the cheeks and kissed him wantingly. Don't ask me. I have no idea what I was thinking either. Most definitely I wasn't. Not everything can be explained by logic. 

He let out a grunt of surprise and didn’t really reciprocate as I tasted his lips for some time. I didn’t know if he didn't because of the shock or if I had really ruined us irreparably.

“I wanted to do that for a long time” I admitted with a wide smile when I separated my lips from his. When I looked at his expression and remembered our last encounter, I was overwhelmed by my need to apologize but this wasn’t why I was here. I took on a serious expression as I descended from his hold. “I peed myself during class when I was ten.”

“What?”

“I learned how to bike when I was twelve and let me tell you, it took me one hell of a long time and it was hard. I purr like a cat if you stroke the behind of my ears and the base of my spine. My favorite character is the penguin Ken but you already knew that. I’ve had sexy dreams about you, some pretty weird thoughts too”

“Okay, it’s hard not to comment on that, but what?” He tried to interrupt me but I went on.

“I feel insecure about the size of my breasts and butt-” He covered my mouth with his palm seeing that I wasn’t going to stop anytime soon no matter what he said.

“Are you sure you want everyone around us to listen to all that? And what are you even saying?” He looked worried about my sanity. I couldn’t blame him. I would be too. I sighed inside his hand before moving it away.

“Do I look like I want everyone to know about this?! Who do you take me for? I wouldn’t even want you to find out about these things.” My face was burning and my heart was ready to leap off my chest and through all that, I looked at his face and remembered that crying boy in my dreams. I would never allow myself to forget that boy.

“Then what the heck are you doing?” I felt everyone’s stare on us but the only look I cared about was his.

“You opened your heart to me and I stabbed you right through it. I’m opening my heart to you and I’m not being quiet about it so that I feel even an ounce of the pain I caused you” I admitted and he looked genuinely shocked. “I even made an album with my most embarrassing photos and a compilation of videos from when I was a baby till now. I’m laying myself bare too.” I moved the album in front of his face and he quickly snatched it away like a racoon.

“I will see that and the video later." He said with a contemplative look as if it was a very important task. "Don’t let me keep from what you were doing. Keep going” He made a move with his hand for me to continue embarrassing myself. He looked amused and even as I groaned at him, I felt relieved that this side of himself was still there. He wouldn’t be able to see my next move coming though. I took out a microphone and checked its sound with the tip of my index finger. He lifted his arms, eyes wide. “Wait what are you-?”

“I LIKE YOU!” I shouted into it making sure everyone in this neighbor and the next heard it. He stepped away as if he had been hit by my words themselves. His face was beet red and looked like he didn't know what to do with himself. I found myself smiling. “And I’m sorry” I said only for him to hear and saw his face jerk up with a soft expression.

He mercifully took me by the hand and started walking away from the crowd we had gathered around us.

“Just so you know, I haven’t forgiven you.” I nodded thinking it was a given. “But you have the whole summer to convince me otherwise.” He turned around with a smile so bright and mischievous that I finally felt alive. I was a walking dead until that moment. I smiled so hard that I thought my cheeks would break. He blushed and looked away.

“And just so you know…” I said pointedly and his attention was drawn back at me, curious about what else I had to say. “That was my first kiss. You better give it back”

He blinked once before jerking his head even further back, laughing loudly and suddenly leaning towards me and kissing me sweetly but too quickly for me to enjoy it. I groaned when he backed away before I could actually kiss him back and he just smiled deviously. This boy would be the end of me. And what a sweet way to go that would be.