Lights, Camera, Action!

Hana’s chicken curry was a plate of pure magic.

The taste was kind of similar to how I envisioned a board game night with a couple close friends to feel like. From the first bite to the last lick, the flavors of sugar, spice and the secret ingredient of domestic cordiality were all holding a cozy get-together in my mouth. Curry was one of those dishes that was extremely hard to mess up, but hers was just on another level.

Unfortunately, the situation between me and Hajime wasn’t as delightful.

It had been a week since the festival and also since the day we had last met up with each other. She did send me the occasional message but whenever I asked about new dates, she either changed the subject or took an awfully long time to reply, only for it to end up being an answer indicating that she couldn't promise anything. It was strange how she was clearly avoiding to confront me about whatever it was that was bothering her yet managed to do so without ignoring me completely.

I hated to admit that my own cowardice played a big part in our quicksand situation. After being betrayed by my own mouth and having my true intentions twisted into something completely incomprehensible, my threshold of verbal expression had grown even taller. I was afraid that if I brought the topic up again, the words would be left as my last.

Of course, I knew very well that pretending against Hajime’s superhuman empathy radar was pointless but as the one who had started the games to begin with, she was letting it slide. I simply didn’t know how else I was supposed to deal with the sudden friction between us. Even when I knew that I eventually would have to...

“Earth to Ran! Is something wrong?”

My co-worker's eyes were desperately trying to meet with the spaced-out, blank stare of mine. After successfully establishing eye contact and proudly proving his existence to my confused mortal form, he continued from where he, apparently, had left off.

“Like I was saying, that movie sucked”, he proclaimed firmly.

His name was Kaname Tanaka – I wouldn’t have remembered without the silvered name plate pinned on his apron. He was one of those people who felt obligated to hit it off with every living being across their path, which is assumably why he was making an effort to chat with me as well. I suppose we all had our ways of coping with our insecurities, I wasn’t there to judge. I was there to make money and gain experience to hopefully help with landing a more pleasurable job a couple years from now.

“I haven’t seen it”, I noted.

Thanks to being thoroughly occupied by the tangles of my personal life combined with a general lack of authentic interest, I had no clue which movie he was talking about. Still, I was confident in the validity of my statement: besides the Kira-Kira Party 4th Anniversary Project Motion Picture, I hadn’t watched any movies in the past year.

“Man, what do you even do in your free time? Do you want to talk about something else?” the guy bombarded.

I harbored a strong dislike towards any question that had to do with my hobbies – how was I supposed to answer that without ending up in a psych ward? Luckily, the follow-up question allowed me to ignore his first concern smoothly.

“No, I’d rather just listen. It wouldn’t be right of me to impose on your enthusiasm.”

To be fair, I would have preferred not having a conversation in the first place. However, that wasn’t something I could be honest about to a person who was older than me.

“That’s the thing man, you’re not listening! If you think I’m satisfied with talking to that spaced-out side character expression, you’re wrong. Whatever it is that’s on your mind, get it out now. My ranting can wait”, he insisted.

Being vulnerable wasn’t exactly the closest thing to my comfort zone – it was hard for me to deal with pushy people like him. Although, in a way, I was doing the exact thing to him as Hajime was doing to me. To avoid the mental stamp of a hypocrite, I opened up about my circumstances briefly.

“Well, it’s been a bit awkward with my... girlfriend lately. Nothing is different but it still feels like things have changed in some way and I’m not sure how to fix it.”

I was hesitating to call Hajime my girlfriend – it wasn’t her I was dating, after all. Regardless, it was easier to explain our connection in a simple word as such: it wasn’t like I could just spill the lore behind our relationship to a mere unsuspecting acquaintance.

Though, as the situation I had found myself in had forced me to think about the concept of us in more depth, I came to a realization.

I wasn’t opposed to the idea of being known as Hajime’s boyfriend for real.

Still, I was not sure where to draw the line between my feelings for Neri-nee and the emotions I felt towards Hajime herself. How much of my supposed attraction was of pure aesthetic nature? The fact that she looked a lot like the girl I had, without actual reciprocation, been in love with for almost four years was reason enough to be critical of my sources. It could explain all of the jealousy, grief and infatuation infesting inside of me as I was imagining the hypothetical situation of her breaking up our contract to be in the arms of another.

“The fact that you’re referring to it as fixing sounds like you feel a strong sense of responsibility about possibly being the one in the wrong”, Kaname analyzed. “It’s hard to give any advice if that’s everything you’re willing to let me work with. How long have you been together? What’s the problem?”

“I met her a couple weeks ago at the start of summer break, we don’t go to the same school. I don’t want to get into details but let’s just say we’re dating... on terms. I feel like there might be a miscommunication between us about those terms", I disclosed.

I felt like a politician, avoiding all of the questions I didn’t want to answer.

"Well, all I can tell you is to be straight up with her. It's scary but it'll ease you in the long run. Sort out your feelings together and I guarantee you’ll arrive at the best outcome. You said it yourself, the issue is miscommunication! Do you even know how annoying it is when characters in movies don't communicate? That's such a pet peeve of mine! Though, I’m not sure if you get where I’m coming from since you don’t watch any.”

Even though Kaname's advice was average at best, feeling almost scripted, he had reminded me of something important: I wasn’t dealing with a girl made of porcelain. I could talk to Hajime just like I always had. I was not dumb enough to be avoiding her for ten episodes before making any progress.

While I was at it, I asked for his insight on another issue of mine.

“How does one know they’ve fallen for someone because of their personality and not their looks?”

As he racked his head trying to come up with a solution for my dilemma, he was squeezing his eyelids together aggressively. The way his face puckered up into a raisin looked so painful that it almost made me feel bad for asking.

“Would you still like her if she cut her hair? Or shaved her eyebrows?” he suggested.

I tried my best to amuse the thought of Hajime in a Zaitama cosplay, but my mind kept getting distracted. Instead, it reminded me of the brightness of her smile, the playful chime of her laughter and the way she always managed to slip the winning ticket into my back pocket before I could do anything about it. She was someone that was calculably certain, safe and comfortable, yet charmingly unpredictable at times. My life used to be so mundane yet she managed to color it with a vibrance I never even knew existed. I was always looking forward to the next time I could talk or hang out with her – each of our little exchanges was like a small victory.

These were all thoughts I had been suppressing; the things I couldn’t admit when she asked me to describe her as a person. I didn’t know whether to call it love but there was one thing I was unmistakably sure about: I wanted to return her kindness, and if I was in her place, I would’ve wanted, loved and needed to hear these things about myself.

“Actually, I just had an idea. Would you mind handling the rest of closing by yourself, Tanaka-senpai?" I requested.

“To fix your problem? It’s late. Are you sure it’s a good idea?” Kaname suspected.

“It’s okay, I know she’s a night owl. Besides, we’ll both sleep better tonight if we talk this out now”, I explained.

I had to make use of the confidence boost while I still had it: I knew I wouldn't last until the next morning.

“Then go for it! Lunch is on you next shift we’re together though", he laughed.

I thanked my co-worker for understanding and quickly slipped to the back room to change out of my uniform. After I was done and hurriedly passed through the shop once more, he gave me a final nod of encouragement. Then, I called Hajime.

I wasn’t sure if she’d pick up – all I could hope for was that she would. To my surprise, I was met with the bemused reply of a familiar voice even sooner than I expected.

“Kujiran?”

“I need to tell you something, it has to be in person. Where are you? I’ll meet you wherever."