She Loves Me, She Loves Me Not

As usual, I can’t stop thinking about what happened yesterday.

The more things I do, the more confused I get. I used to think I’d never meet the Vtubers I watch every day. Now one lives right next to me. Except, I don’t watch Vtubers as much as I used to anymore. Instead I’ve made a steady career out of making my life more and more complicated. I used to think I’d be happy spending the rest of my life indoors, but now that just makes me worry what people like Seth might get up to if I leave them be. I don’t want the world to go on in isolation from me. If it’s happening, I may as well be a part of it. And above all else, I used to think I had it pretty rough… but after the incident with Kirk’s dad, a sort of guilt has bubbled up inside me. I can’t help but feel like maybe I am just a privileged loser who won’t amount to anything.

I like to think I live in the present, but it’s true for all humans that we linger on past things. After all, everything happening to you right now is nothing more than the result of everything that happened to you previously, right? But I’m just not sure where to go from here, and that’s what got me stuck in my memories again. They’re recent, fleeting memories- and yet, they’re the most exciting of my entire life.

I guess I’m only seventeen, but I feel like my childhood’s already passed me by entirely. Growing up, I was very close to my mother, and not really anyone else. Even after she had Mylie, and was spending most of her days in a hospital room, Denise Fletcher was my favorite person in the world. She loved me, unconditionally. Not once did I feel inferior to her, like I might around people like Elias or even Kirk. Not once was I nervous around her, like Cleo or Seth. And I never felt like I couldn’t understand her, like I sometimes do with the rest of my family. We had a very special bond- but I try not to think about her much now. Because I know she’s not coming back. And while that fact doesn’t quite make me “sad” anymore, it gets me thinking in patterns that you really shouldn’t think in.

When you want something, regardless of whether it’s a new video game or some person’s affection, your universe becomes subservient to that thing, revolving around it just as your thoughts do constantly. You begin to think about how awful it is that you don’t have it- how wonderful it would be if you did. But when that something’s a thing you just can’t have… the pattern of obsession grows darker. More sinister.

If I can’t have it, nobody can.

If I can’t have it, I’ll do anything to get it.

If I can’t have it, why live?

For most people, to want something impossible is to live a life akin to the deepest layer of hell. Whether it’s just out of your grasp or an incalculable distance away, the average person just can’t take the strain, and most of them sadly end up dead. It takes an incredibly durable soul to seek those things out anyway. And as for me… well, I know I’m not the strongest. So I try not to get started on those sorts of things. When I want something I can’t have, I give up pretty quick.

…At least, that’s what I used to think.

It was around the time when mom died that I really started to become interested in girls. How wonderful it would be, to have a lover. A person who’d never let me get lonely. Someone who’d shower me in all the praise I could ever ask for. Someone pretty to hang around with every day of my life and grow old with. The very idea is like a dream. Who wouldn’t want a lover?

Well… I know at least one person.

In all other fields, I’d stop thinking about it- I haven’t wished for my mother to come back in years, I haven’t wished for a better home or to look better, I haven’t asked for anything- and yet, even after everything that’s happened- I still want a girlfriend- specifically, I want Cleo.

I’m sure someone listening into my thoughts would understand this by now, but I’m not much of a lady’s man. Never dated anyone and never really tried. I kinda always assumed nobody was really into me, cause nobody asked or anything. Then again, I guess I’m a guy, so I’m really the one who ought to be asking. Isn’t that right? I dunno. I don’t know the first thing about love, and I’ve always thought most girls think I’m gross, Cleo included.

So why do I still want a girlfriend?

Who knows. Cause I’m a man, I suppose.

Of course I haven’t given up on finding love. Love isn’t impossible. Not for me. And maybe… not even for Cleo. And I’m deciding… right now… that as soon as I finish my job here, I’m gonna ask Cleo out.

I’m on Seth’s porch, waiting for him to get home from work. Yeah, kind of a dick move, but at least I’m not a stalker like he is. I’m gonna get to the bottom of what he’s up to even if I have to wait here all day.

Thankfully, though, it seems I won’t. The black car pulls into the driveway like a menacing serpent. I can already tell he’s looking at me through its windshield. He parks, stepping out immediately as he marches up to me in his simple black-and-white work suit.

“Kid, what the hell’s wrong with you? Why are you on my porch? Aren’t you supposed to be like, a shut-in? God, teenagers…”

“Seth.” I say, swallowing hard. “We have to talk about Cleo.”

“Again?” He groans. “My lord, Roscoe, if you wanna plow her you don’t need my permission. Can you go run off and play NSDS with your jock friend already?”

“Seth, are you stalking Cleo?” I ask bluntly.

“Are you out of your mind? I’ve heard love does funny things to people, but this is just stupid. No, Roscoe, I’m not stalking my shitty ex-girlfriend and I couldn’t if I tried. The crazy chick would probably send someone to…” he looks at me. “Did she send you to do this?”

“No! She didn’t make me do anything. But I’m worried about her. If you’re not trying to dox her, why do you keep showing up to her house all the time?”

“Dox?”

“Huh- I mean- wait, uh… Seth, do you know what that word means?”

“Yeah I know what that word means. I’m in my twenties, kid, not my fifties. And the very reason I kept scoping out that place every time I took a walk was because I had a burning question in my head- so Cleo’s in my neighborhood now, and she has a house, but where the hell does she work? Her car’s been more or less parked 24/7 since moved in and I know for a fact that girl didn’t go to college. So what’s she up to? Porn? Drugs? Well geez, I just had to know. So I stopped by now and then. But all I saw was a single room upstairs with the lights on. She could’ve been practicing witchcraft for all I know. But judging by your words… I take it she’s some kind of Internet personality? You know, that is interesting… maybe I will dox her…”

I ball up my fists. “Y-you say that again, I’ll- I’ll dox you in real life, a-asshole!” I cry, not really knowing what exactly I mean by that.

“Just a joke kid, now calm down. I have no intention of hurting the weirdo. I just wanted to know what she… waaaait a minute here. So this older lady shows up your neighborhood unannounced, doesn’t talk to nobody, and you come to her door and immediately develop a crush on her? No… by the looks of it, you had a crush on her before you knew her. I remember that conversation your friend and us had. It seemed like you hadn’t even met her. So why would you be so interested in her? I get it now. You were-“ Seth laughs out loud. “You were a fan of this chick?” He howls.

“Alright, I was! So what are you gonna do about it, huh? Listen… I- I love Cleo. I still love her. And today, I’m even gonna ask her out. And I’m gonna fix all the damage you did to her. I’m gonna show her that she can love. And that she can-“

“Love? Kid, you ever been in love?”

“I- yeah, I’m in love right now, dumbass.”

“When’s the last time you were in love? Before that.”

“Well, I guess it was… last school year, I guess?”

“And tell me about your partner.”

“She wasn’t my… she wasn’t my partner. I just- had a crush on this girl with long dark hair and glasses. I think her name was-“

“You think? Okay, kid, that doesn’t count. Tell me about the first time you dated- No, “courted” someone.”

“Well- I- I haven’t done that until now.”

“Why not? Scared?”

“Well- yeah. I suppose so. So what’s it to you?”

“Kid, why do you want a girlfriend? Ashamed of bein’ a virgin?”

“Not particularly.”

“What do you even wanna do with her, huh? Talk? Go on dates? A relationship is high-maintenance, you know. You gotta work to keep it. Tell me. What are you most excited for? Introducing her to your parents? Exchanging secrets? Having her in your room?”

“I don’t.. know, I don’t really… I’m not really excited for any of those things, I-“

“Kid.” Seth takes me by the shoulder. “You aren’t in love.”

There’s no such thing as silence. Not on planet earth. So long as you’re not up in space, you’ll hear something- even way far away- doing something. Might just be a bug. Might just be the wind. Not to mention your own body. What, don’t you breathe? There really is no such thing as peace and quiet. But right now, the feeling creeping over me is so suffocating that it feels like I am in space.

“Get the hell off me!”

I push Seth away and run. This shit is stupid. I’m never listening to this deadbeat’s half-baked advice ever again. I'm running straight to my next destination. I’m gonna go confess to Cleo, right now. To prove I love her. To prove I’m not afraid. To prove it to myself. To prove it to her. To prove it to that asshole Seth. I won’t wait a minute longer. Now is the time, like it or not. I crush an ant on my path on the way there by complete accident, but it feels good. I’m definitely angry. I won’t deny it. But I’m just gonna use that anger to overpower my fear.

I ramp up to her doorstep and ring. I’m ready. Go ahead. Try and stop me.

She opens the door pretty quickly this time.

She stands there blankly. She’s so pretty.

I decide to enter the house, first.

“Can I come in?”

“Uh, yeah. Sure. Nice to see you again.”

We end up on the couch. She’s smoking. I don’t care. Smoking is cool.

“Cleo.”

“Yeah?”

“I like…” I start… Okay, wait. This is wrong. Why is this going so fast? I don’t remember where I am. I don’t remember who I am. What am I? What’s happening? Dear god, what even is all this strange-

“You like me?”

I blink at her. She’s not looking away from me. She’s not doing anything weird. Just asking me a question. But it is weird. I dunno how to answer. I can’t answer. Why can’t I answer? I thought I knew my answer. I try to say no. I really try. I really, really try. I couldn’t explain why I would, but I do. It doesn’t matter anyway. Because the only word that comes out of my mouth is…

“…y-Yeah.”

“Oh, okay. I get it.”

Okay? What do you mean okay? Where’s my answer? Do you like me, too? Are you in love with me? How would she be in love with me? If she doesn’t like people, she doesn’t freaking like people! What am I doing? I can’t take this. I have to leave, I have to leave-

“Roscoe.” She says. “I don’t like you, but I’ll kiss you if you want.”

A star holds within it an incredible amount of nuclear energy, or fuel, at its center. This fuel is held together by the forces of gravity pushing inward as the heat and pressure from the core holding this energy pushes outward. The star holds this form with relative ease, until, of course, eventually, it runs out of fuel. Now the only thing pushing on all that energy is the force of the outside gravity, coming inward from all around it. In fifteen seconds, all that power ruptures in on itself, creating an explosion so large and bright it can be seen from light years away. A Nebula cloud forms, and a black hole is born, denser than any object in the known universe. And this all happens in less than half a minute. That is to say, I’m freaking out.

“It’s not a big deal. I can’t be with you, but you are pretty cool. And if I were in your place, I’d want a kiss. I think that’d be enough for me. So if you want, that’s my deal. I’m sorry I can’t like you. But it’s no big issue.”

Her two lips make up one strange expression- one star formed by two parts, two blades of a scissor cutting into me-

Cleo will never love me.

Cleo will kiss me right now if I want.

Her eyes are closed. She asks for nothing. She offers me all she reasonably could. She sits right next to me. I, right next to her. The galaxy has collapsed around us. I’m trapped. Stuck here. There is no air. I can hardly think. Her lips are already pursed. She has assumed my answer. If she had not, there would be no offer. After all, there’s no way she could be wrong. This is more than letting me down easy. This is as much as Cleo could ever do for me.

I run out of her front door.

My feet course through the concrete road as my field of view seems to expand, a fisheye lense placed over my life. I could run right back to my house next door, but that would be too short of a run to let any of these feelings inside me out. So I go the opposite way, and run the length of the entire neighborhood, all the way around it. Except, my plan fails completely. I’m not able to let out a single feeling or even think about what’s happened, and before I know it, I’m already back in my room- just as I realize I left her door open. I curse myself out for it. Then, I lie down.

My bed is warm.

I cover up, the lights in my room still on. It’s only four.

I sit there and cry.

I don’t love Cleo.