Is There a Reason to Keep On Living? Is My Answer Love?
They say that awareness is all you need to make a change in your life. But, for as long as I can remember, I have been aware of all the things that are horrible about my life. I am aware, yet my life still continues to trend on this downwards path.
Nothing gets better.
I look down through the fence where there are a few students seemingly enjoying their youthful lunchtime chatters. Oh, how I wish I could ruin everyone's day by splattering my blood all over the schoolyard. Maybe the gory image of my skull cracked open will be burned into their heads for the rest of their lives! Then maybe they would be able to experience half of the mental anguish that I have to live with every day.
I close my eyes and start to think about the last few years. Kimura Aika, 17 years old and I’ve recently started my last year of high school. No plans for the future and no plans in my past. The past 2 years of my high school life have been some of the most mind numbing and mundane experiences one possibly could have. This is supposed to be some of the best times of our lives, but I’ve simply existed, loathing in my sweet misery every single day. This year I thought I’d try and make a change. I am aware my life is headed in a bad direction, but things haven't gone the way I’ve hoped.
The door to the roof that I used to get up here promptly slams open as I was expecting. I'm very predictable, I guess as he got here faster than I expected…
“Aika! You promised not to run away so why am I breaking a sweat trying to chase you down!?” I hear a voice behind me coming from the entrance of the roof.
When I turn around I see the small framed boy slowly running over towards me with his arms reaching out as if he was attempting to catch me.
He lunges at me, wrapping his arms around me and burying his head into my chest. Usually, a boy having their face in a girl’s chest is a problem but because of his feminine nature, no alarm bells have gone off in my head. Sasaki Yu is probably the one and only friend I’ve had since the beginning of high school. He isn’t liked very much by the other girls in our grade since he’s friends with almost every guy in our grade. Nevertheless, he is still my friend —though he can be quite annoying sometimes
“Sasaki… I just didn’t want to hear the rest, okay!”
“You never let me finish Ai-Chan! They were just rumors, RUMORS! I just heard that Hayashi-San is planning to ask him out, but she didn’t actually do it.” he says talking directly into my chest.
So I still have a chance!
I look down to see him staring right at me with an eyebrow raised.
“Don't tell me you think you still have a chance with a boy who you have NEVER spoken with!” He says with an annoyed tone.
“Look, all I have to do is get him to notice me somehow… And I have spoken with him before, I told you that back in elementary school…”
“You used to be neighbors blah blah blah, I bet he doesn't remember that in the slightest! To be honest I don't think it’s even true. Just yesterday I asked him if he has ever been friends with the weird emo girl in our class and he said never!”
“Are you trying to say I’m lying?!” I grab him by the shoulders, peeling him arm’s length away from me. “And I’m not weird… or emo.”
“Well, yea… I mean no I would never doubt you Aika!” He says with a slight giggle.
“Listen here you worthless little twink fuck, I don't know if you’re trying to be funny but don't joke around like that!”
“Stop Aika you're turning me on…” He says as his face turns a slight shade of red.
I grab him by his ponytail and shove him off of me. I turn to look back at the view through the fence.
I hate it when I can’t tell if he’s joking about something or being serious. How can he even joke about something like this?! I was seriously worried for a second, I know that he’s aware of my existence. I’ve seen the way he glances at me in class, the way his eyes quickly avert from mine, I know it’s more than what it seems…
“So, did he really say that or what?” I hiss through my teeth without turning around to see his stupid face.
“Hehe, aww how badly do you want to know?”
“Just tell me already, would you!” I say with a sigh.
I can feel his dumb face smiling without having to turn around.
The roof door cracks open again this time unexpectedly to the last person I wanted to see right now and her dumb brainlet goons. The blonde haired girl makes her presence known by walking right up into Sasaki's face.
“HAHAHA I thought I heard two freaks talking up here and look, we stumbled upon the two biggest losers in this school.”
I lean back against the fence silently trying to make my presence go unnoticed while the three girls form a circle around Sasaki leaving him with nowhere to run. I don’t know what these girls want but it can’t be good. Whenever Hayashi is involved, it’s best to proceed with caution.
“Sasaki-Kun, I’ve been looking for you!”
“Hehe, I guess you found me.” He tries to smile but I can still see the worry on his face.
“Sasaki-Kun… you know our history together, I’ve hated you for many years now. Yet you still find ways to make me dislike you even more.”
Hayashi was close before but now she is directly in front of his face.
“I know it was you running your mouth to everyone! Now.. let's keep it short, who told you?”
“Told me what?” Sasaki averts his eyes and is practically whispering.
“Don’t play dumb with me! All the boys in our grade probably know about it at this point! I just need to know how you got the information, and more importantly WHO told you it”
“Maybe one of the most popular girls in our school should be careful of who she’s telling sensitive information to…”
Hayashi kisses her teeth in response. Knowing that made her more pissed off Sasaki quickly stammers out the response she is looking for.
“Seems like you might have an idea who it is… but I’ll never tell. So just give me the usual and let's just move on.” He says, closing his eyes in defeat.
Hayashi gives the signal to the two other girls and they promptly shove him to the ground and give him a few good kicks and stomps. Despite it being a regular occurrence, I have only seen them get rough with Sasaki once with my own eyes. From what I know they have calmed down with the bullying and harassment since the beginning of the new school year. As much as he hates getting bullied, knowing Sasaki he probably is enjoying getting stepped on to some degree.
“One more thing, I thought I told you to stop talking to Daichi! We wouldn’t want any of your gayness to rub off on him now would we.” She says as she delivers one last kick to his stomach.
“Now to this other freak over here…” Hayashi turns her attention towards me and starts walking over to me by herself.
I feel the cold fence on my back as I realize that I have no escape if I need to run away. The air around me starts to get stale and my body suddenly heats up when she approaches me. I look down and start to fiddle with my bandaged up left arm.
“I would’ve thought that someone like you should know their place. I hope you don’t actually try to do anything toward Daichi! You’ve already caused trouble in his life before so leave him alone!”
Dammit, I guess she overheard the conversation we were just having.
She is practically in my face at this point. She smirks as her eyes sharply look at me up and down. Even though she is a bit shorter than me it still feels as if she is looking down on me.
“Heh, from what I’ve heard about you, your mentally ill ass needs to never talk to him ever again. You see I would give you the same treatment we gave to Sasaki-Kun over there but we wouldn’t want to be the ones written inside your suicide letter!”
If she lays a single damn finger on me I swear I will slit her fucking throat!
“Leave me alone…” I say as I grit my teeth trying to hold back my anger.
“Hmm, did you guys hear something?”
Silence fills the air as she puts her hand to her ear, daring me to repeat myself.
“That’s what I thought, I didn’t think you would have the audacity to say anything! You should know your place! I don’t care about how many years have passed! You have no right to ever speak to him ever again after what you did!”
“I don’t think I heard what you said! At least look me in the eyes if you have something you want to tell me!”
My body is suddenly slammed back into the fence as Hayashi grabs me by the collar of my shirt.
“Don’t fucking touch me!” I screech out in an ear splitting rage.
“Or else…? Is your head too messed up to realize the situation you’re in?”
The two other girls that accompanied her focused their attention on me and closed in around me.
I put my hand into my pocket to clutch onto the box cutter that I always carry around with me. If I have to stab this girl in the neck I will do it. Does she think she can come up here and boss us around?! I don’t care if she is the most popular girl in our school or anything! I’ll end her life right here.
“I just want you to understand something. I’ve known about you for longer than you would ever even know. I just need you to stay out of his life, got it?”
My breathing speeds up and I can literally feel the blood rushing towards my head as my heart is pounding against my chest. If I don’t calm down now, I already know what I’m going to do…
“Hello!? Do you understand the words that I'm saying?! Look guys, she is going absolutely mental right now hahaha!”
The sound of an open palm striking my face echoes across the roof. With my face still stinging from the impact I ready my next move.
“You’re fucking dead!” I scream out.
My instincts take over as I use all my strength to pull her hand away from my shirt causing her to stumble backward.. Before the two other goons try to do anything to me I reveal the box cutter in my pocket and retract the blade while pointing it directly towards Hayashi.
“You crazy bitch!” Hayashi says as she catches herself from falling over. “Who the hell carries something like that—”
“What the hell is going on up here!?” A concerned voice interrupts us coming from the entrance to the roof.
The roof door suddenly cracks open this time unexpectedly to the last person I wanted to see right now… wait haven’t I already said this?
Everyone freezes on the spot as their heads turn towards the two boys that just entered the roof.
“Daichi…?” Hayashi says with her eyes widened. I didn’t think this moment could get any worse but this is truly the last person that needed to show up right now ESPECIALLY at this moment.
Nothing gets better.