EMOTIONS THAT HURTS.

Ahh! What a nice evening. It really feels good. Ohh, sorry, where should I start with? I guess I’ll start by introducing myself first. My name is Hiro. My age is 17 and I’m in high school. In my life what I hate the most is myself. I despise every inch of me. I really hate myself. I hate myself for what I did. The reason I hate myself so much is because of me that someone got badly hurt. That person is very important to me, but the worst thing is that now I don’t know anything about that person who’s most important to me. It’s almost laughable isn’t it? But it’s all true. It’s a grave sin that I committed.

There are a lot of things that I don’t understand. Like, what is happiness? When someone is smiling, does it mean they are happy? So, is smiling happiness? Possibly not. Someone’s smile might be fake. Maybe they are trying to act cheerful so they use can hide their true self or their problems. So what is happiness exactly? I don’t know either. The only emotions I have felt for all these years are guilt, regret, and sadness. What does it mean to feel happiness? And how does it feel to be happy? Because I am unable to feel happiness!

How can people be happy or keep smiling in this world where sadness is everywhere, where hatred is everywhere, where jealousy is everywhere, and where people are greedy everywhere? But The good thing is that there is also happiness, but I haven’t felt any happiness for a long period of time. That’s not the only thing. For a long time, I haven’t smiled from the bottom of my heart.

The other thing that I can’t understand is, what is life? Is this what we do day by day is this the life? I really don’t think so. They say life is simply existing, but all these years I haven’t felt any excitement at all. Also, why are we born as humans? Why not animals? What is the purpose behind this? I really want to find meaning in what my life means.

 I wish I had friends so I could live normally, but I guess it’s not possible for me. Forget I said anything. To me life is certainly boring. This so called is meaningless to me. It holds nothing, it counts nothing. In these past years of life as time passed down, I began to talk less and hate myself more. So guilt, remorse, grief, and pain in my heart kept growing and eventually I lost myself. Because of the sin I committed.

Tomorrow is my first day of high school. I am not excited about anything, though. I will be doing what I’ve been doing these past years. That means I’m going to find her no matter what! For now, I’ve got to enjoy today’s weather. It really feels nice to sit at riverside to feel this weather. Ohh, yeah I forgot to tell you this my favourite spot where I usually come. I wish I could have been sitting here with my friend, but I don’t have any friends, so it’s a pity. Forget I said anything. Next day.

Wake up, Here. You are going to be late on your first day of high school.

I have already woke up, Mom.

I’m off, Mom.

 Last night I really had a bad dream. Actually to tell you the truth, it’s a nightmare for me. It was a dream about the sin I committed, and because of it, I lost something precious. To know about my dream, you need to know about myself first. How was I when I was little and what exactly happened when I was little.

 When I was a little, I had friend. Her name is Azuki. She was best friend of mine. She also was neighbor of mine. We were always play together. We were spend most of our time together. I was a crybaby when I was a little, but she was strong. She always support me. She always kind to me. Whenever someone tried to bully me she always stood strong in front of me. She always protected me. We are even in same elementary school & also in same class. There are also lots of friends I had in elementary school. We always meet at park at evening for playing. When I was young, I lived like a normal child. I was happy with it, But my happiness didn’t last long. After that day my life changed.

One day, I told Azuki that we were going to the park, but we were going by bicycle. We took our cycles and headed towards the park. When we reached our friends were already there, and they were playing without us. Azuki chastised them because they were playing without us. After that, we played for a while at the park. After a while we decided we should go to the lake. How much time has passed, no one knows. The sun started to set and that view was beautiful. We were watching that wonderful scenery. Now everyone has decided that we should go home. That day was fun. I didn’t forget that day. There are two memories I have of that day. The first one is about what we did that day. It’s a good memory. The second one is a fateful memory that I couldn’t forget until now. It’s a memory that became a nightmare for me.

 On that day, a fateful incident happened with us on our way back home. After a while playing at river side, after some time everyone started to going home, so Azuki & I also took our cycle & headed home. On our way back home a accident happened with us. After the accident, only a few seconds after the accident, I fell unconscious. I really don’t know exactly what happened. When I woke up I saw I was in hospital & my mother was sitting beside me. She looked exhausted. At that moment I didn’t understand what happened to me. My mother also woke up. Her eyes were all red. It looked like she couldn’t sleep for days. When she saw me she hugged me & started crying. When she hugged me, I asked mother where is azuki?, but she didn’t respond to me. After that doctor came in & checked me. Few minutes later mother came in. She sits beside me. At that time I really didn’t know why I was at hospital, so I asked mother what had happened. She told me about the accident, & that I was in coma for 30 days. I asked my mother again about azuki, but she didn’t told me anything. I thought she might be resting in her house….

….Still, I know my mother knows something about Azuki, but I couldn’t understand the situation at the time. I can remember whenever I asked my mother about Azuki, her expression changed for a moment. At that moment, I wanted to see Azuki because it was my fault that she got hurt. My heart was getting heavier every time I thought about her. Two days have passed, but Azuki didn’t come. Few days later, they discharged me. At that moment, I was just thinking about seeing Azuki, but when we arrived at our house, I saw Azuki’s house was locked. At that moment, I had no idea what was going on. Azuki must be resting at her house. That’s what I thought, but her house is locked. How is this possible? Moreover, why is her house locked? I asked my mother again, she didn’t tell me. At that instant, I ran and tried to find Azuki. That day, I searched her everywhere, but I couldn’t find her. There was a lot more happening that day that my brain couldn’t process. My thoughts and emotions were all mixed up. At that moment, only one thought in my mind was clear as water, and that was, I had to see Azuki.

A few days later, I calmed down, but as days passed, the guilt in my heart was growing as well. Because of me, she got hurt. It was my fault.

 When I started going to middle school, I started to see her. At first, I tried to find her in my school, but she was not in my school. Every day after school, I tried to find her in different schools. Whenever I got free time, I tried to find her. Sometimes I’ve gone to the park or the library to find her. Slowly, I searched the whole town, but I always failed to find her. At that time, I also saved some money in case I had to travel to find her.

 Year have passed. I started as a second-year middle school student. In my second year, I started to travel to some nearby towns in the hope that I could find Azuki. Whenever I failed to find her, I lost hope that I would be able to find her. Guilt, regret, sadness, agony, all these emotions started to grow in my heart tremendously. The second year has also ended just like the first year. In these two years of middle school life, I couldn’t able change anything.

In my third year of middle school, I started to travel to some towns that I had never been to before. I had a map, so with the help of the map, I was able to determine the town whenever I went to find her. In all these years, I have never been able to find her. At that moment, I felt like I was so pathetic. First, because of me, she got badly injured, and now I can’t even find her after all these years. I wished if I hadn’t met her back then, she would have been safe by now. I’m so damn pathetic. 

At this rate, how can I possibly be able to meet her again